Of course, even in the middle of the night, the traffic in Miami was impossible. Mary and I were both silent as the van made its way out of the city proper, and I racked my brain trying to think of how we could get ourselves out of what was about to happen—just in case the fucking cops had set us up. Obviously, I couldn’t use my phone; the minute I went to take it out, Reggie or someone else in the van would just snatch it away from me, and even if they didn’t, I wouldn’t exactly be able to call Nick or Jules and ask them how things were going in their particular locations.
I thought long and hard about what had come about to bring me to this particular situation. Fucking ‘How Did We Get Here’ all over again. I could have almost laughed. I was in this situation because some asshole had stolen Big J’s stash, and I was a convenient fucking scapegoat. I was in this situation because screwing around with Mary had gotten us both kicked out of Recovery Now, and I’d had to do something to get the heat off of me. I was in this situation because I’d been too stupid to take the previous situation—the one in Germany, the time I’d almost OD’d—seriously enough to actually stop using.
“You look nervous, bro,” Reggie said, watching me intently.
“Well, look at it from my fucking point of view,” I said calmly. “I’m probably about to be beaten to death, if I remember Big J’s interests correctly. My girl here is probably going to meet the same fate. Not exactly something that fills a motherfucker with joyful anticipation.”
Reggie laughed. “Want a bump? I have a sample. Might make it a bit easier.”
I raised an eyebrow. It had been more than two weeks since I’d had anything in my system; no E, no pot, no coke, not even any alcohol. I bit into the inner surface of my lip, glancing at Mary. I knew what she’d want me to do, but I heard a dozen conflicting arguments in my brain all at once. If I took a bump, it’d put Reggie at ease. If I took a bump, I’d be betraying Mary’s trust. If I took a bump I’d be setting back my ‘recovery’—which as little as I really wanted it even still, I’d committed to at least a little bit. If I took a bump, I’d be playing into Reggie’s hands. If I took a bump, it might calm my nerves a bit, so I could think a little better.
“I’ll do it if Mary does one,” I said finally. I looked across the car at the woman I’d begrudgingly come to respect over the past couple of weeks. Mary’s eyes widened.
“A little powder courage?” Reggie produced a little bag of white powder—coke. Big J’s product was always worth the price, and Reggie sold direct from Big J. Mary glanced from me to Reggie and then back to me. I willed her to take it; I willed her to refuse. If she took it, I would have to. I wanted it, but I didn’t want it, all at once. “You ever do coke before?” Mary shook her head.
“Aww a coke virgin. Make her take it! Make her take it Reggie, it’ll be great.” I glanced at one of the tough women who had control of Mary and I wondered just what they were getting out of the idea of having Mary do a bump of coke.
“First taste is always free, and you’ve got the friends and family deal on top,” Reggie said. “May as well try it, you only regret the shit you didn’t do in life.”
Mary chuckled softly. “Okay, fine,” she said, glancing at me. I could see the worry in her dark eyes. “I’ll do a line.”
Reggie called up to the front for the driver to smooth it out a bit, and the other dealer brought out a mirror. I watched, practically salivating, as Reggie and the other dealer dumped the powder onto the glass and started separating it out into a couple of tiny lines, cutting it up. I shuddered; the ritual was so familiar to me. I could feel my body already gearing up for the high, already tightening down. I knew that if I took the bump, I’d be quicker, I’d be able to think more clearly; but I also knew that Mary was going down with me. I hated myself for making her make that choice. I hated the fact that I might be dragging her down into my need instead of letting her pull me out of the hole. Fuck it. Both of us might die by the end of the night anyway. She might as well get a little thrill out of it.
Mary took the rolled-up twenty that one of the women offered her and got onto her knees in front of Reggie’s lap, where the blow was perfectly lined up. I watched her in fascination and disgust; it seemed to me like she was deliberately making it look as much as possible as if she was about to go down on Reg. I gritted my teeth. This wasn’t part of the plan, but I couldn’t exactly do anything about it now; I had opened myself up for it. I had made it happen.
I heard the little snort of Mary inhaling the line, the sniff of her drawing it deeper into her sinuses. She shivered and turned to look at me. “Your turn,” Mary said, tilting her head back slightly and breathing in once more. I took the rolled-up bill from her and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. If I was going to die tonight—and unless the cops came through, that was the high fucking probability—I was at least going to go out with a buzz.