“OKAY, ARE YOU going to tell me what’s going on between you two, or are we just going to pretend like it’s nothing?” asks Corie as she steers us away from the guys.
I sigh, my attention drawn to the group of men yelling and chanting to our right. A small smile plays at my lips as I watch them throw fish, but Corie tugs on my arm, linked with hers, beckoning me back to our conversation.
“I don’t think I want to talk about it,” I admit.
“Well, are you all right? Are you going to be all right? Last night, you two were joined at the hip. Now…”
I fight the urge to cry, looking everywhere but at my best friend. It’s chilly out, but as we walk around Pikes Place Market, it’s clear that the weather isn’t bad for business. People are everywhere, and I take in the sights and smells as I blink my tears away.
The truth is, Leo won’t touch me. When I woke up this morning, I found myself in bed alone. He was already showered, dressed, and ready for the day. Considering how we spent the previous morning, I can’t say that I wasn’t disappointed; but in light of all that happened last night, I wasn’t exactly surprised. His remorse is unbearably evident, and I’m trying to be understanding—I’m trying to give him the space he needs to forgive himself, but it worries me.
What the two of us need is not space. We’ve had nothing but space for the last four months. Even now, him walking with Ashley a few paces behind me, he feels farther away than ever. I’m not so clingy that I can’t spend an afternoon in his presence without touching him, but it’s more than that—he’s not only pulling away from me physically, he’s also pulling away from me emotionally. Now, more than ever, I wish he would just trust me enough to confide in me—to get whatever it is that troubles him so deeply off his chest.
“Jill?”
Still avoiding her gaze, I fidget with my scarf and clear my throat before I murmur, “He’s not Ashley. He’s not particularly charming, he’s not sweet and gentle, and he doesn’t open up to me the way I know Ashley opens up to you.” A sob crawls its way up my throat, but I swallow it down, shaking my head as if to warn myself that I will not cry in the middle of the market. Once I get a hold of myself, I go on to confess, “He’s not Ashley—but he is my Ashley. He means more to me than I even know how to express. My heart literally aches at the thought of leaving him tomorrow.
“Right now…he’s going through something. Something I’m not at liberty to share. It’s not mine to discuss, but I’m in it. I’m in the middle of it, and he’s trying to push me out. He’s trying to protect me. Except, I don’t need protecting. I just need him.”
Corie unhooks her arm from around mine before wrapping it around my waist. She pulls me into her side as we continue to stroll and says, “I wish I knew what all of that meant, but I really don’t. Whatever it is, though, I know you can get through it. You’re a strong woman, Jill. He’s a big, stubborn man, but you have his heart—I know that you do. You’ll get through it. Look at what the two of you have overcome already?”
“Yeah,” I murmur with a feeble nod.
Leo and I have endured a lot. Our relationship and all that we’ve been through isn’t exactly what I would call conventional. We had a rocky start, and as soon as we worked it out, when things were still new, we were separated. That’s not the kind of thing just any relationship could survive, but we made it. Corie was right about something else, too, though. Leo is stubborn. Far more stubborn than she knows. That’s what scares me.
“Chin up, beautiful,” Corie insists, giving me a shake. “You’re a fighter. Saw it when Aunt Edith got sick. Watched you after we lost her. You’ll fight through this. I know it.”
A small smile curls the corners of my mouth as I finally look up at her. Her brown eyes stare into mine with so much conviction, I can’t help but to feel bolstered by her encouraging words.
“Thanks, babe. I needed to hear that.”
“He is your Ashley. I’ve known it all along. No matter what, I’d never give up on the love of my life. Never. I know you won’t either.”
I think of the man behind me. I think of how I care for him so deeply. Love seems such an inadequate way to describe how I feel. My heart, my body—every single part of me is tethered to him. Our souls are linked. There’s no other way to explain it. What we have, what we share, who we are—it’s everything.
NO SOONER DO we get back to the room, and Leo changes into a pair of gym shorts and tennis shoes before taking his leave. I watch him go, still wearing my coat, my chest aching. He’s been in his head all day. I’m sure of it. Now, he needs to expend a little energy, ridding himself of his excess frustration. I know this without him having to tell me. I know this because I know him. He’s a rough and raw man, and he deals with his emotions physically. I’ve felt it. I’ve enjoyed it. But I know that on my last night with him, I won’t get the pleasure of his body. He hasn’t laid a hand on me all day.
While he’s gone, I take my time and ready myself for bed. I strip out of all my clothes, donning one of his t-shirts before I pack my bag. We have an early trip to the airport tomorrow. I’ve already said my goodbyes to Corie and Ashley, thanking them again for an amazing birthday. They’ll be boarding Ashley’s tour bus tomorrow afternoon, headed for Canada—setting out on their last three weeks on the road. I know that Corie is both excited to see more as they travel, but also ready to be home. I won’t deny that I’m ready for her to be home, too.
With nothing else to do to kill the time, I call my dad. We don’t chat for long, as he’s on his way to bed soon, but it’s nice to hear his voice. We don’t talk about anything in particular. I tell him what I did with my day, and he does the same, insisting that he wants to know more about my trip when I return home. When we say our goodbyes, I’m comforted just knowing that he’s been handling the shop without any complaints, and he’s genuinely excited that I’ve had the chance to experience something new. It makes me hopeful, knowing the choice I’ll soon have to face in regards to my future—my future with Leo.
I lay in bed for an hour before he returns to the room. He barely looks at me as he gathers what he needs for a shower and then closes himself into the bathroom. He’s only in there for twenty minutes, but it feels like a lifetime. When he comes out, instead of joining me in bed, he sits on the corner of the mattress with his back to me. I wait for him to say something—anything—but he doesn’t.
Unable to endure another second of his blatant avoidance of me, I get out of bed, make my way in front of him, and kneel down between his legs. I place my hands on the outside of his strong, hard, bare thighs, and I stare into his face, willing him to look at me. He swallows hard, his jaw locking up as he sucks in a deep breath through his nose.
I gasp when he moves suddenly, cupping his hands around my face before smashing his lips against mine. I moan loudly, unable to silence the sound, and part my lips, granting him full access. He takes it, sweeping his tongue through my mouth as he kisses me passionately. Leaning into him, I slide my hands up and around his waist, kissing him back with everything I have in me.
It’s not long before my nipples are hard, and my clit is pulsing with need. He shoves his fingers into my hair, tilting my head back further as he kisses me deeper. My heart beats wildly in my chest, and I’m so affected by him, I can hardly remember to breathe. Disappointingly, as abruptly as it began, it ends. He pulls his mouth from mine, his hands cradling my head as his blue-green eyes consume me in an intense stare. We’re both panting, and all I want is more—more of everything with him—but he doesn’t move. He doesn’t speak. He just looks at me.
“Lee,” I say, my voice softer than a whisper.
As soon as I speak his name, I regret it. He’s immediately broken from whatever trance he was lost in, and I lose his hands from in my hair as he sits up straight, pulling away from me again. I can feel it—his guard going back up, making him unreachable.
“You should get some sleep.”
Intent on making my feelings known, I state, “I won’t go to bed without you.” He stares at me blankly, which doesn’t surprise me in the least, but I don’t give up. “I leave in the morning. We’ll be apart for another three weeks. We have to say goodbye again. I won’t go to bed without you.”
I squeak when he picks me up from beneath my arms like a child, propping me against his chest. I rest my hands on his shoulders as he bars an arm under my backside, turning us around and carrying me to the top of the bed. He eases me down gently, but when he starts to pull away from me, I lock my arms around his neck, silently insisting that he stay.
“Let me get the lights, baby.”
Hesitantly, I let him go, watching as he moves about the room, shutting off the lamps. When he finally joins me in bed, I cuddle up to his side, just like always. He folds his arms behind his head, much like he did last night, and I fight against the pang of rejection, still refusing to give in to his stubbornness.
“Hold me, Lee. Stop punishing yourself and hold me.”
It takes him a few minutes, but eventually he moves, draping his arm down my back and around my side. The warm, heavy weight of him causes my entire body to relax, and I melt against him even more. I don’t know how long I fight sleep, wanting to soak up every last second I have with him, but I hold out for as long as I possibly can. We don’t speak, but for tonight, this is enough. After that kiss, I know that we’re in this together, no matter how complicated or difficult things get. It might take time for him to be ready to open up about all that happened, but we’ll get there.
I won’t give up on him. Not ever.
I LOOK BACK at the line behind me, dreading the fact that I’ll soon be in it, waiting to pass through the TSA checkpoint. With a sigh, I shift my gaze back up at Leo, resting a hand against his chest as I mutter, “I hate this part.”
“Yeah,” he grunts, his eyes dropping down to my neck before meeting my eyes once more.
I step closer to him, resting both of my hands against his chest. I’ve covered my neck again, wearing the same scarf I had on yesterday, hiding the bruises he inadvertently left on my skin. He hates it, I know that he does, and I appreciate that about him. Yet, as much as we need to talk and move past this whole incident, I don’t want to mar this moment with things that can’t be fixed right now. All I want is to say goodbye to my man; all I want is for him to promise that we’ll see each other again, soon.
“I’ll call you when I get home.” He nods curtly, and I lean into him, circling my arms around his waist. “You’ll come see me as soon as the tour is over, right? Or I can fly out and see you? I haven’t seen your place yet.”
He looks over my head, reaching back to take hold of my wrists. Prying my arms from around him, he says, “We’ll see.”
My stomach drops, my brow dipping in concern as I ask, “We’ll see? What does that mean?”
His eyes find mine, his hands squeezing my wrists before he lets me go. “It means that I’m a fuck up—and if you knew what was good for you, you’d walk away.”
“No,” I reply, gripping a fistful of his shirt. “No. We’re not having this conversation again, Leo.” The way he looks at me makes my heart sink, and I lose a little bit of my conviction as I mutter, “We belong to each other. I’m your woman. You’re my man. We decided.”
He pushes my hand away from him gently before he tells me, “It’s not safe—”
“Bullshit!” I hiss, shoving my hands against his stomach. He doesn’t move, of course, his core made of steel, which only enrages me more. Jabbing a finger in his chest, I declare, “The safest place I’ve ever known is in your arms, Lee. You’re not dangerous, and you know it!” Lowering my voice, I plead, “Don’t do this. Don’t walk away from me again. Not again! We’re meant to be together, Leo. You said it yourself—I’m the best thing to ever happen to you. Well guess what?” I reach up, taking hold of the sides of his neck as I whisper, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, too. Even worlds away from you, I’ve never been happier. Just knowing that I am yours and you are mine, it means everything to me.”
He says nothing as he stares down at me. When I notice that his eyes have grown glassy with unshed tears, a sense of doom washes over me. He cradles the back of my head, holding me still to press a kiss against my forehead, and it’s as though he’s ripping my heart out. I feel powerless to make him stop—to make him stay. His gentle touch paralyzes me, and I stand frozen in shock as he mumbles, “Goodbye, Jill.”
The next thing I know, I’m standing alone—watching as he walks away.
Again.