Chapter Five
Sitting propped up in her bed, Rosa leaned her head against the pillow sandwiched between her back and the headboard. Her limbs heavy, her stomach aching after the dry heaves, she closed her eyes on a tired sigh, longing to give in to the sleep tugging her under.
“Are you comfortable?” Yaz asked, her voice heavy with concern.
Rosa nodded, too weary to do much else. She hadn’t expected the “big reveal” to go down quite like it had moments ago. Interrupting everyone’s Thanksgiving dinner. An impromptu family meeting in the hallway with an impressionable Maria in the next room overhearing Rosa’s confession.
Then again, lately little was happening according to any plan she’d concocted.
Yaz tucked the covers around Rosa’s legs, creating a comfy cocoon, and an elusive sense of peace wove through her, easing the tension tightening Rosa’s muscles.
The mattress shifted on either side of her, a sign that Yaz and Lilí were joining her on the queen-sized bed. The last time that had happened, it’d been a couple days after Papi’s funeral.
That night, Rosa had lain awake in the dark, silently crying tears of grief and pain.
The emptiness that came from not having Papi as her anchor anymore had consumed her. When he’d been alive, her life choices had been so clear-cut. Finish her degree, come home to work at Queen of Peace and take care of him, continue in Mami’s footsteps as Rosa tried to atone for a mistake she would never forgive herself for.
With Papi gone, nothing had felt certain anymore.
Lost in the dark emotions, she hadn’t heard her door open, hadn’t been aware anyone else was in the room, until Yaz whispered her name in a raspy voice. Rosa had taken one look at her sister’s pain-filled face, then scooted over to make room for Yaz. They’d clung to each other and cried, eventually falling asleep side by side.
At some point in the night, Lilí had come in and crawled into the bed, too.
They’d awoken in a cramped jumble of arms and legs, with tired and tear-swollen eyes, quietly thankful to have each other.
Now, the comfort her sisters offered was a welcome balm to Rosa’s burdened soul. Ever since the pregnancy test, fear had been driving her, its foot pressing hard on the gas pedal while life as she’d known it was left behind in the dust.
She knew what she wanted to do. What her heart felt was best.
Like she’d told Jeremy several times already, her decision had been made, and as scared as she might be about it, she couldn’t back down.
At the same time, she was cognizant of the turmoil her choices would bring to her and Jeremy. And probably her sisters too, knowing how their community would react once the news of her pregnancy hit the gossip wires.
The pressure tightened her chest, and Rosa took a deep breath, slowly releasing it while repeating Mami’s mantra in her head. Dios no te da lo que no puedes manejar.
Oh, how she needed those words to be true. She simply had to trust that God hadn’t given her something she couldn’t manage. Another life was in the balance because of her. She couldn’t make a mistake again. That guilt would devastate her.
Yaz reached for one of Rosa’s hands, squeezing it between both of hers. “Do you need anything? Maybe some water?”
Rosa’s eyes fluttered open. She met Yazmine’s troubled gaze and gave a little shake of her head.
“No lo puedo creer,” Lilí whispered, her expression still shell-shocked.
“Tell me about it,” Rosa murmured. She couldn’t believe it either.
“Never in my wildest dreams,” Lilí went on, hugging one of the orange throw pillows from Rosa’s bed against her chest. Lilí crossed her legs tailor-style, her left knee poking out of the hole in her faded jeans. “I mean, Rosa, the good girl, is the one of us who got knocked up!”
Rosa cringed at her sister’s crass statement.
Yaz reached across Rosa’s legs to smack Lilí on the back of the head.
“Ow!” Lilí yelped.
“Callate la boca,” Yaz admonished.
Lilí glared at their older sister, but followed her reprimand and grudgingly closed her mouth.
Tears burned Rosa’s eyes. She blinked them away, craning her neck to stare up at her ceiling fan.
Guilt and shame pecked at her conscience. This was why she hadn’t said anything to her sisters earlier. The fear of facing their disappointment in her. The worry that she might let herself get talked into “doing the right thing” like she always had before.
“What Lilí meant to say is,” Yaz grumbled, “qué está pasando?”
Yaz tightened her grip on Rosa’s hand, drawing her gaze away from the dark brown patterns in the wooden ceiling fan blades.
“Pues,” Rosa said slowly, stalling for time. “What’s going on is . . . I’m pregnant.”
“Yeah, we got that much already,” Lilí said, then she huffed in frustration when Yaz glared at her.
“And Jeremy is the father,” Yaz added for her.
Rosa nodded, her insides quivering, whether from nausea or nerves, or both.
The thing was, as long as this had been her secret—well, hers and Jeremy’s—she’d been able to remain in a strange sort of limbo. Vacillating between excited and frightened about the idea of having a baby and being a single mom, the changes that meant for her life.
Change usually brought strife or pain. After Mami’s death, it had even brought guilt.
Dios mío, the guilt was the worst.
Rosa had lived with it every day since then, an oppressive weight she hadn’t been able to shed or share with anyone, not even her sisters. Especially not them.
Guilt had shaped her life. Though no one else knew.
If she hadn’t begged Mami to come pick her up from school that afternoon, too embarrassed to face her classmates after her foolish behavior in the lunchroom, the car accident wouldn’t have happened. Mami might still be alive.
After that, Rosa had stepped in, determined to fill the void, do everything in her power to follow Mami’s lead and become the caretaker in their home, ensuring everyone else’s needs were met.
With Papi gone and her sisters making their own paths, she’d been praying for a way to find a role of her own. Maybe this new challenge was a sign. Like Mami telling her to follow Papi’s advice and start writing her own story, instead of always helping others write theirs.
A tear slipped from the corner of her eye to trail a warm path down her cheek.
“Hey, qué pasa?” Yaz asked. She tucked Rosa’s hair behind her ear, something Papi had often done before pressing a good-night kiss to her forehead when he tucked her in as a child.
“We’re here for you, Rosa, really. I was kidding before.” Lilí scooted closer on the bed, laying a comforting hand on Rosa’s shoulder. “We all know if there’s anyone who’s going to be a wonderful mamá, it’s you. No offense, Yaz.” Lilí tossed the last part over to Yaz with a jerk of her chin.
Yazmine’s lips twisted in a smirk. She pushed her long black hair over her shoulder, a dark brow arched in a haughty angle as she muttered, “Whatever.”
Rosa chuckled, comforted by their typical sister banter. Appropriate or not, Lilí always knew how to break the tension in a room.
“Personally, I’ve enjoyed seeing this new motherly side of you with Maria.” Rosa gave her older sister’s hand a love squeeze.
“Gracias,” Yaz said, then her expression grew serious again. “But you still haven’t explained much. How did this happen? No sex-ed wise cracks out of you, Lilí.”
Their younger sister flashed her mischievous Cheshire cat grin, but wisely remained quiet.
“When did you and Jeremy, uh, start dating?”
Rosa winced at Yaz’s question. Of course they’d assume she and Jeremy were an item. It would never occur to them that she might be a one-night stand.
She bit her lip, vacillating between how much to share and how much was too embarrassing to admit.
“I hadn’t realized you two were even together,” Yaz continued. “I mean, over the summer you moved back home and he bought his place downtown, but you never mentioned meeting up with him in the city. After your graduation, I thought you hadn’t seen each other until my wedding. Even then, Jeremy brought that snooty girl as his plus-one.”
True, but that snooty girl had left early, and he’d stuck around.
Lilí’s dark eyes widened like a cartoon character who’d figured out an important clue. Her grip on Rosa’s shoulder tightened, her fingers digging through Rosa’s sweater.
Rosa gulped. Meeting her little sister’s gaze, she noticed the same shock and awe she’d been grappling with since seeing that pink little plus sign.
“No me digas,” Lilí whispered.
“Sí,” Rosa answered.
“Don’t tell me, what?” Yaz demanded.
“Increíble.” Lilí’s shock gave way to her awe and she leaned in to envelope Rosa in a tight hug. “As strange as this sounds, I am so freaking proud of you.”
Rosa smiled, touched by Lilí’s words.
“Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on here?” Yaz complained, her voice rising with frustration. “What secret are you two keeping from me? And how did that even happen? You’re never on the same page together!”
Yaz was right; Rosa and her little sister tended to butt heads more often than not. Hearing Lilí’s praise, feeling the love in her embrace, offered a comfort Rosa hadn’t expected to find from her. Overwhelmed, Rosa tightened their hug.
“Gracias,” she murmured, holding her sister close a few more seconds.
Fingers strumming on her crossed legs, Yaz wiggled impatiently on the bed. “Well? I’m waiting.”
Rosa actually laughed. For the first time in weeks, fear no longer clawed at her chest.
Reaching out to both her sisters, she grasped their hands. Her earlier trepidation over revealing the “how” she and Jeremy had gotten into this predicament faded in the strength of her sisters’ love.
“The night of your wedding,” Rosa began, “Jeremy and I kinda . . . bueno, we were sharing some champagne, and, ay I guess you could say that we . . . hooked up.”
Yaz blinked, her face going slack in surprise.
Heat crawled up Rosa’s throat and onto her cheeks. “I invited him up to my room for drinks after the reception. And—”
“Wait a minute.” Yaz held up a hand to stop her. “Please tell me you weren’t tipsy and things got out of hand. He knows better. Lo mato! I mean it, I will kill him!”
Yaz swung her legs off the bed like she was ready to go tearing after Jeremy right now.
“No! Wait, por favor!” Rosa cried. She grabbed Yaz’s wrist, tugging her sister to a stop. “It wasn’t like that at all. Can you just let me get this out? It’s embarrassing enough as it is without you freaking out on him.”
Her lips pursed, Yaz jabbed a fist onto her hip. She held her tall dancer’s body stiff, her expression fuming.
Ave Maria purísima, getting married and becoming a stepmom had really pushed her older sister into protective mode in a way Rosa had rarely seen.
“Come on, you know Jer. He’d never hurt Rosa. Any of us,” Lilí said, a surprising voice of reason in the room.
Gracias, Rosa mouthed to Lilí with a grateful look.
“Hey, I’ve done some pretty stupid shit in my life,” her younger sister admitted. She rubbed Rosa’s thigh through the comforter. “Despite your nagging, I’ve always known you had my back.”
Tears blurred Rosa’s vision again. She swiped a knuckle under her right eye, smearing a drop of moisture.
“Fine.” Yaz plopped back down on the bed and pushed up the sleeves of her maroon sweater. “And when did you get so smart, huh? You’re making me feel old.”
Lilí smirked back at Yaz. “College life, fun but eyeopening. The stuff I deal with as the RA on my dorm floor? Unbelievable.”
With Yaz settled back on the bed, Rosa took a deep breath, then continued with her confession. “What happened with Jeremy and me was consensual. Actually—” She broke off, self-conscious about admitting the truth. “I’d have to say that I was the instigator.”
“No me digas!”
Heat flaming in her cheeks at Lilí’s “you don’t say” exclamation, Rosa smothered her laugh with a hand. “Uh-huh. Honestly, I can’t believe I did it.”
“You and me both, girl.” Lilí nudged Rosa’s shoulder with a conspiratorial chuckle. “When I encouraged you to go for it with Jeremy, I never thought you’d—”
“You encouraged her?” Yaz sputtered. “Are you crazy? Qué estabas pensando?”
“I was thinking it was time for her to have some fun,” Lilí fired back. “What’s wrong with that?”
The two of them glared at each other in a staring contest battle of wills. The tension between them ratcheted up, bringing Rosa’s stress level with it.
She was about to step in and try to broker peace when Lilí flung one of the round orange throw pillows at Yaz, hitting her in the chest.
“Get off my case,” Lilí complained. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Basta, por favor. Enough,” Rosa repeated, putting her hand on top of the pillow where it had landed on Yaz’s lap, intent on keeping Yaz from throwing it back. It had been years since she’d broken up a pillow fight between her sisters. She had no desire to do so now. “What happened is on me. No one else.”
“And Jeremy!” Yaz’s ire darkened her tanned cheeks. Her brown eyes flashed with anger and betrayal. “I can’t believe he would do this to you!”
“Jeremy didn’t do anything to me, Yazmine!” Anger boiled up inside Rosa. She wasn’t a helpless innocent to be protected, needing others to take the blame for her actions. “If anything, I seduced him. Is that so hard for you to believe?”
“Frankly, yes.”
Rosa jerked back as if Yaz had slapped her. The idea that her sister believed her incapable of drawing Jeremy’s attention jabbed at one of Rosa’s deepest fears. She’d never been good enough to get the guy she wanted before. What made her think now was any different?
Tears of shame and aggravation filled her eyes. Damn these hormones. All she seemed to do lately was cry or throw up.
Hurt consuming her, she sagged back against the pillow.
“That’s a hateful thing to say,” Lilí ground out, practically spitting the words at Yaz. “What is wrong with you?”
“What?” Yaz looked back and forth between the two of them. Confusion creased her normally smooth forehead. It took her a minute, but Rosa watched Yaz replay their conversation in her head, dismay quickly replacing her confused frown. “Oh, Rosa, I didn’t mean anything against you.”
“It’s okay,” Rosa mumbled.
“No, it’s not,” Lilí argued. “Don’t give her a pass for saying something so bitchy to you.”
The fact that Yaz didn’t argue with Lilí’s assessment told Rosa how ashamed her older sister must feel.
Adding credence to Rosa’s thoughts, Yaz reached out to gently wipe a tear from Rosa’s cheeks. “I’m sorry for how that sounded. Anyone would be lucky to be with you. I know that. I guess, with Papi gone, somehow I feel more protective of you two. Even when you’re being a little brat.” She exchanged a playful scowl with Lilí, then turned back to Rosa with a remorseful expression. “You and Jeremy getting together, I just didn’t see it coming. That’s all. I’m, I guess I’m shocked.”
“You’ve been in wedding-prep fog for months,” Lilí said. “But I noticed how Rosa kept tabs on Jeremy at her graduation dinner. Goo-goo eyes and all.”
“You did?” Rosa and Yaz spoke in unison.
Lilí’s face beamed with a cat-who-ate-the-canary grin. “You two don’t give me enough credit. Why do you think I told you to take a shot at the reception?” She nudged Rosa. “Though, I gotta admit, girl, I totally didn’t expect this at all.”
“You and me both,” Rosa admitted.
She and Lilí shared a soft chuckle, then the three of them grew silent as the gravity of the situation descended on them.
Rosa picked nervously at the orange and red design stitched into her comforter. The emotional highs and lows had her feeling like an unmoored boat tossing back and forth upon the waves.
“So, Jeremy proposed, but you said no?” Yaz finally asked.
Chin ducked, Rosa nodded.
“¿Por qué?” Yaz pressed.
This answer was easy. “Because I will not force him into a marriage of convenience. He deserves better than that. I deserve better than that.”
Rosa pressed a hand to her churning stomach. The thought of single parenting scared her, but the thought of always being the one Jeremy settled for was much worse. She could do this. Lots of women and men were single parents. Look at Tomás. He’d been a single dad until Yaz came into the picture last year.
“It’s not that simple.” Yaz shook her head, worry painting her features once again. “Your baby will be a Taylor. That’s big around here. Jeremy’s family has influence in the city—they come with lots of strings attached. That’s one of the reasons why he moved to New York after college. To get away from the craziness.”
Jeremy had shared a little bit about how he didn’t always enjoy the limelight that shone on his family because of his dad’s high-profile cases and the fact that he’d co-founded one of the most highly sought-after boutique law firms in Chicago.
“The local media will have a field day with the news that he’s fathering a child out of wedlock,” Yazmine continued. “I’m sure they’ll hound you once they find out who you are. Can you deal with that?”
Rosa gulped at the question. The difference in the social circles she and Jeremy traveled in was one of the reasons she’d been hesitant about the possibility of a relationship with him in the past, not that he’d given any indication that he was interested. At least, not before they’d jumped the gun by jumping into bed.
Yaz was the one used to paparazzi and the spotlight after years of dancing on Broadway. Rosa felt more comfortable in the shadows, behind the scenes. But for her baby, she’d face anything.
“I’ll learn to deal if need be,” Rosa answered. But inside, her trepidation grew at the prospect of having her one night of indiscretion detailed in the Tribune’s society pages.
“And how about Queen of Peace?” Yaz asked, poking at another potential sore spot Rosa’s pregnancy created.
“What about it?” Lilí picked up another throw pillow and set it on her lap, hands clasped on top of it. “I don’t see how the school has anything to do with this.”
“Actually, they kind of do,” Rosa answered.
Telling Principal Meyer and confessing to Father Yosef, her family’s and the school’s priest, was going to be exceedingly difficult. She anticipated, and deserved, their disappointment.
Guilt burned in her chest. Failing to meet expectations or responsibilities went against every instinct she’d honed in the years since Mami’s death. The need to please others and do what was right had become second nature. Her penance, though she had never shared this truth with anyone.
Yet, a voice inside her kept whispering it was time she stop second-guessing herself and listen to her heart.
“I don’t get it. What does the school care if Rosa’s pregnant?” Lilí asked, drawing Rosa out of her spiraling thoughts.
“The diocese added a morality statement to the teacher manual this year,” Rosa explained, meeting Lilí’s confused gaze. She had already mentioned the statement in passing to Yaz at the beginning of the school year. Back then, neither one had any inkling that the clause would matter to her at some point. “It’s not in our contract, but they plan on adding it next year. I’m not sure if they can hold me to it at the moment.”
“What does that mean?” Lilí pressed.
Rosa scrubbed her hands over her face, overwhelmed by the mounting complications. “An unwed, pregnant librarian isn’t really high on their list of acceptable role models for their students, especially when it comes to faculty or staff. It might be more difficult to fire me than if the clause was actually in my contract, but I’m sure there’s still the possibility that the school council could recommend my dismissal.”
“That’s bullshit!” Lilí punched her fist into the pillow in her lap.
“Yeah, but it’s a reality,” Yaz countered. Stretching out across the bottom half of Rosa’s legs, Yaz propped her elbow on the bed, resting her head in the palm of her hand. Her black hair pooled around her, a stark contrast to the cream-colored background material of the comforter. She stared intently at Rosa, her brow furrowed with concern. “The school, the church, our community. Not to mention Tío Pablo and Tía Dolores.”
“Ay, ay, ay, Tía Dolores! She’s gonna freak!” Lilí’s pained look mirrored Rosa’s reaction every time she thought of her godmother and how the woman who was like a second mother to all three of them was going to take the news.
“I know!” Yaz pursed her lips as she nodded. “I can’t even imagine that conversation. But it should happen, soon! Once word gets out, everyone, especially the viejitas at church will have an opinion. We all know those old ladies don’t hold their tongue.”
The ever-widening ripple effect her actions had created set Rosa’s queasy stomach to complaining again.
She closed her eyes, listening to her sisters as they commiserated over the maddening way gossip burnt up the airwaves within their community. Each one upping the other with stories of times past when one or the other had been the topic of choice. It was no surprise that most of the gossip fodder featured Lilí.
Strangely, having Yaz and Lilí voice the same concerns she’d been anguishing over on her own for the past week made them less daunting than before. She drew strength from her sisters. That strength in turn fed this new sense of determination that had taken root deep inside of her. Steadily growing along with the tiny baby in her belly.
“You’re right,” Rosa interrupted. “About all of it.”
“What do you mean?” Lilí asked.
“Todo esto es una realidad,” Rosa repeated Yaz’s declaration from moments ago, because there was no hiding from the reality of it all. “But, that doesn’t change my mind. I’ll face whatever newspaper gossip, hold my head high at mass on Sundays, and listen respectfully to Tía Dolores’s lecture.”
“Girl, there’ll be more than one of those. Believe me, I know.” Having been the recipient of countless Tía Dolores’s lectures in the past, Lilí pressed a hand to her chest, her expression dire. “I love you, but let me know when you plan to tell her. I want to make sure I’m not there.”
“I don’t care what she says,” Rosa asserted. “It won’t change my mind. Jeremy thinks he needs to do the right thing and marry me. That’s not enough. Not for me, or for this baby.”
Calling on every ounce of grit within her, she sat up straighter. “He’s a good guy. You know that. So I trust we’ll figure things out. Maybe some type of co-parenting, I don’t know. Only, not a quickie wedding for the wrong reasons.”
Her hands fluttered nervously and she clasped them on her lap to steady the trembling building inside of her. Anxiety urged her to play it safe. Follow conventional advice.
A new sense of desperation screamed at her not to listen.
Scared but determined, she met Yaz and Lilí’s gazes. “If that means I have to leave Queen of Peace and find a new job, so be it.”
The slack-jawed shock on her sisters’ faces was almost comical. Rosa would have laughed, if she wasn’t afraid her laughter might morph into tears. These days, it was hard to tell, thanks to the hormonal emotion roller coaster.
“I mean it. No one is going to force me to do what I don’t think is right for me or my baby. I’m not settling. I want to be strong enough to not do that anymore in my life.” Rosa stopped, hope and trepidation clashing inside as she asked, “Can I count on the two of you to stand with me?”
The bed jostled as Yaz pushed herself to a seated position, tucking her legs underneath her.
Without missing a beat, her sisters held out their hands to her and each other, creating an unbreakable circle of trust.
“I’m with you, whatever you decide,” Lilí asserted, her grip tightening around Rosa’s.
“Gracias,” Rosa answered, her throat clogging with unshed tears.
“Me, too. And I’m sure Tomás feels the same,” Yaz added.
Hearing her brother-in-law’s name reminded Rosa that the rest of the family waited downstairs. Their Thanksgiving meal growing cold on the dining room table.
“I’m sorry I ruined dinner. You two should go back, make sure Maria’s okay.”
“They’re good—”
“I’m sure it’s—”
“No,” Rosa interrupted her sisters. “I’ll get some sleep. Or maybe work on my poetry for a bit. You know it soothes me when my thoughts are jumbled.”
“You and your writing. I’ll never get it. Give me a dance-off any time I need to get rid of stress!” Lilí shimmied her shoulders to some music inside her fun-filled head.
“Whatever.” Yaz chucked their younger sister on the shoulder and rose. “Come on, let’s give her some space.”
After quick hugs, Yaz and Lilí left, and the room grew quiet.
Rosa reached for her Moleskine journal and favorite ink pen on her nightstand. She rubbed her fingers over the smooth surface, flicked her nail at the letter from Papi that marked her place. There was comfort in the familiar talismans.
Leaning back against the headboard, she closed her eyes. Fear, anxiety, and determination swarmed through her in a frenzy. She was too worked up to put pen to paper right now.
Taking a deep breath, she focused on centering herself. Allowing her emotions to settle around her so she could better translate them to the page.
Only then did she realize that hovering above them all was relief.
Dios mío! She’d been so worried Yaz and Lilí wouldn’t get behind her unconventional idea. How foolish.
Sí, this wasn’t going to be easy. She’d have to stand strong in the face of busybodies here in Oakmont, not to mention what would inevitably come from those in Jeremy’s circle. Add to it the uncertainty of what might happen with her position at Queen of Peace.
But when it came down to it, none of that mattered.
For her child’s sake, for their future, she was intent on standing her ground.
Her one hope was that Jeremy would see things her way. If not, the road ahead would be even bumpier than it appeared right now.