I’m so annoyed over my encounter with Tucker that I forgo going to Jane’s and head home to pig out on ice cream and watch sappy movies.

“I HATE MEN!” I yell as I stomp through my aunt’s house.

“What in the world did you do to your hair?” Kassi questions from her relaxed position on the couch, her mouth hanging wide open.

I cringe. “Bad?”

She sits up and stares at me, shaking her head. “No. So, so good. I am in love with it!” Then she’s off her feet and touching it. “It’s gorgeous! Soft, feminine, edgy, you.”

Okay, she’s the second person to say how this haircut is “me” today. Have I been hiding behind who I truly am for that long? And have I been that transparent about it?

“Thanks. I think.”

She shrugs and walks back over to where she was on the couch. “What’s up with the man-bashing? What did Tanner do now?”

“Actually, it wasn’t Tanner this time. I mean, it kind of was, but it wasn’t.”

“That makes total sense,” she says, feigning understanding.

I shoot her a glance and flop down on the other end of the dark blue sofa. “First off, rude. Second off, it was Tanner and Tucker this time.”

“Tucker? You mean Tanner’s super-hot, single younger brother?”

Not wanting to admit out loud that she’s right, because Tucker isn’t bad-looking, I shrug. “Whatever. Anyway, you know that annual dinner my parents have?”

Kassi visibly shudders. “Blech. I hate that thing. It’s suffocating.”

“And that’s exactly why I wasn’t going to go this year. But then Tanner happened. My parents love him, so I kind of had to go. Tanner encouraged it. And then he bailed. Duty or whatever.”

“Okay, so where exactly does Tucker come in?”

“I found out about Tanner bailing last week, and Tucker happened to come into Clyde’s as I was wiping my eyes.”

“And you hate him because?”

“Tucker offered to take me. I turned him down. He’s been coming into my work almost every day since. I’ve been ignoring him,” I tell her.

She frowns. “Maura, honey, you’re going to have to spell this out for me. I don’t understand how any of what Tucker has done is wrong.”

“He’s trying to take me on a pity date! A freakin’ pity date to my own parents’ dinner! It’s…insulting!” I fume.

Kassi screws her face up and gives me this look that says she thinks I’m crazy. “I don’t perceive it that way at all. I see it like he’s doing a favor for you. Or maybe trying to correct his brother’s mess up.”

I huff and cross my arms over my chest like a damn toddler because I hate that her appraisal of the situation may be valid. I know I was a bitch earlier to Tucker, and if I’m honest, this is my way of justifying it.

Because let’s face it: I had no reason at all to be mean to Tucker. I was projecting, and I shouldn’t have done that. It’s not his fault that his brother is an ass who bailed on a huge event with my parents.

Fine, I shouldn’t be mad at Tanner either, but between his schedule mix up, all the phone tag we’ve been playing, and me constantly second-guessing my feelings for him lately, I’ve let it surface and all fall on him. Bitch move, Maura.

But that’s not the only thing she’s right about. I just realized that maybe Tucker can read me like a book because what I’m missing is friendship. And he’s definitely offering one.

“Go on. Tell me how right I am,” Kassi gloats.

“Yeah, yeah. The part that bugged me the most was how he acted about it. All smug and shit, telling me how he can read me. How he wants to be my friend because the ones I have are apparently shitty.”

Kassi clears her throat. “He may not be wrong.”

I snap my head toward her. “What.” It doesn’t come out as a question.

“What I mean is Tucker gets all this military crap. He’s been living with it for the last several years. He understands. Maybe you should reach out to him. He might be able to help you through the confusion you’ve been feeling.”

“Or I can not, and say I did.”

“Okay, brat. Be that way, then. But think about it. You probably need him more than you realize.”

But she’s wrong. The only person I need is my boyfriend. Or he’s the person I should need. How did I get so screwed up by all this?

“I’m going to go call Tanner,” I tell her in attempt to make myself feel better about that thought I just had.

I lied to her when I said I was going to call Tanner, because the first thing I do when I make it into my room is lie down on my bed and do my best to hold back my sudden tears, I know that Kassi is right. I’m not okay. My head isn’t where it needs to be. My heart isn’t where it needs to be. And I think I need someone else to lean on for a change. Anyone who isn’t my boyfriend’s brother.

I close my eyes tightly and try to push away all my shameful thoughts because I have no idea why I’m almost crying over a man I’m not sure I love like I should anymore. I have no idea why I’m letting whatever is happening between us push me away from my other friends and the world. I’ve been nothing but a shut-in these past few months as I’ve tried figuring out what in the hell is going on with Tanner and me.

Since Tucker is the best friend of my best friend’s boyfriend (because that wasn’t confusing or anything), I have to see him. All. The. Time. Each time we are all together, Tucker sees things, things he shouldn’t be seeing. He looks at me and understands all this stuff that I hide from Rae and Perry on the daily. I’m tired of him seeing directly through me, because that’s exactly what’s happening.

It’s so hard to keep this falsely happy attitude around everyone when all I truly want to do is break down. I want to let my tears flow because I’m lonely. I miss him, yet I have no real right to, especially not when I have no idea how I feel about him.

I simply want to cry out of frustration, want, and anger.

But I don’t. I can’t.

My phone suddenly rings, and I rush to answer it without checking the screen.

“Hello?”

“Maura. It’s about time you answered your phone.” I immediately regret pressing that green button now.

“I-I had it on silent,” I lie to my mother, my nervous stutter coming out. “It won’t happen again.”

“Having your phone on silent is incredibly rude to those trying to call you, Maura. But I don’t expect you to understand something so simple.”

I suppress a groan, because any other time she would say that it’s rude to those around me to have the volume turned on. There’s no pleasing her.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble again. “I promise I won’t do it again.”

Another lie.

“Good. Now, I’m calling to make sure you’re still attending the dinner next month. It’s exactly four weeks away, and we need to finalize your plates.”

I clear my throat and try to sound as confident as possible. “I won’t be able to attend the dinner.”

“That is absurd! You will be present, and you will wear the dress I have picked out for you. It’s blue and will match your eyes.”

But not my new hair, I want to say.

Instead, I settle for fingering the tips of my newly pink locks. “I’m sorry, Mother, but I won’t be able to attend. Tanner has—”

“You will be there, and you will bring a date. I won’t hear another word against it. Are we clear?”

All the fight I have left in me slowly drains out as I realize that nothing I say will matter to her. She’s going to make me go. She’ll badger me until I agree. She’ll call every day until I have to change my phone number and walk away from my parents. That doesn’t sound too bad.

“I have asked a question, young lady. I expect an answer if you are capable of one,” she says, impatience lining her voice.

I cringe at her harshness and nod my head.

“Maura!” she snaps as I realize she can’t see me.

“Y-yes, Mother. I’ll be there.”

“With a date,” she instructs.

“With a date,” I respond like the good daughter I am.

“Good. Now that that is settled, would you like chicken or beef?”

I finally let the tears fall.

* * *

Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz.

I fumble around until my hand lands on my buzzing phone sitting on my bedside table.

“Yeah?” I answer groggily.

“Good morning to you, too.”

A smile breaks out across my face.

“Tanner,” I say quietly.

“Hi, babe. How’s my girl?” he asks.

He so much like my Tanner today that for a split second, I want to tell him everything. Spill it all out to him. Tell him what has been off with me lately, how I’ve been nothing but up and down for the past two weeks, how much I miss him. Let him know how much I miss us. Tell him what a pain in the ass both my mom and Tucker are. Maybe be honest about how I don’t think I love him like I should.

It all wants to come out. It all almost does.

“Babe?”

“Yeah?”

“How…uh…how are things?” he tries again cautiously.

I clear my throat and put that pep into my voice that I know he wants to hear. “Good, Tanner. They’re good.”

“Yeah? Because I miss you.” My heart clenches a little bit. “I could go for a round or two of some stress-relieving activity, if you know what I mean.” And like that, my heart is back to normal, because that was not my Tanner.

Before I’m forced to answer him, or more than likely sit here in awkward silence, I hear someone in the background call to him, and I know that’s the end of our morning phone call already.

“Babe, I gotta go. Sergeant’s calling for me. I’ll talk to you later?”

“Of course. Go. Have a good day, Sergeant Bentley.”

“I love you, Maurie. Forever, babe.”

I want to be able to say it back and mean it like I should—like he should. But lust doesn’t equal love, so I can’t.

“You too,” I say.

I hit the red button and toss my phone onto the pillow beside me. I roll over and let out a frustrated groan. Why can’t I make this all easy? Why do I have to be so complicated about everything? Why can’t I be what my parents want me to be? Why can’t I love Tanner how I’m supposed to love him and leave it at that? Why do I have to question it all?

Apparently today is going to be one of those days, because my phone buzzes again.

Bestie: Wake up, hooker. Open your damn door.

Springing out of bed, I race to the front door, flinging it open so hard it slams into the wall. I immediately throw my arms around Rae’s neck and squeeze her extra tight. I’m sure it freaks her out some because I’m not one to initiate hugs that often.

She gingerly pats my back and asks, “All right. What’s up?”

Letting her go, I pull her inside. “Emotions…they’re high.”

She tsks at me and takes a seat at the bar in the kitchen. “Why, my dear?”

I head to the fridge, pulling out some apple juice for her and some grape juice for me. I grab two glasses, fill them up, and slide Rae hers. I take a sip before I answer her, because I want to stall. I know I’m about to say something bold and honest, and I need a second to collect myself.

“I don’t think I love Tanner.” And that’s how I learn how sticky apple juice is, because it’s now all over the counter and me. “Well, that was gross,” I say, wiping it from my eyes.

I grab a towel and begin to clean up the mess as Rae sits there with her mouth agape.

“But…but how? I don’t get it. You two were all lovey-dovey back in September.”

“Welcome to the club. We meet semi-regularly. No membership fee required.”

She eyes me carefully, and I give her the same stare down back. Rae claims eyes are the path to a person’s heart. I just think she’s weird.

“Wow,” she says quietly. “You mean it.”

I nod slowly. “We were…different then. It all felt like so much more. I think we rushed things. I think we forced things. I do love him, but I don’t love the version I’m getting of him now. And that’s not something I can envision myself getting used to. Ever. I don’t see that future.”

Rae studies me for a moment, her eyebrows scrunching together. “You mean he’s not your ‘The End’?”

It takes me a moment to get what she’s saying. Fairytales. They all finish with ‘The End’ and a happy couple riding off into the sunset together. The prince and princess are absolutely it for one another.

Tanner most definitely isn’t my “The End.”

“Exactly.”

She frowns. “But why? I mean, you were inseparable when you first got together. I get that time apart can be difficult, but I’m not sure what happened.”

“Can I be honest with you?” I ask her.

“I’d be pissed if you weren’t.”

“Now that you’ve mentioned it, I don’t think he was ever my ‘The End.’ I like Tanner. But we don’t have that spark we had when we first started seeing one another. I think we lost it. Or maybe it was never there. I think that what we had for those couple weeks was beautiful. But I also think it should have ended there,” I admit. I take another sip while Rae watches. Setting the glass back down, I say, “Does that make sense, or am I being stupid about this?”

Rae takes her time answering, sipping on her drink some. She expels a breath before speaking. “Thank. God. Not trying to be a total bitch, but I never understood you two. I mean, yeah, at first you were adorable as hell, all falling in love and shit, but I didn’t get it then. You don’t mesh. To people who don’t know you, you do, but not to me. He never fit you.”

“He does but he doesn’t. I mean it when I say he’s a sweet guy. He doesn’t show that side of himself enough. In another lifetime, maybe we could have been something great, but not in this one. Not now, not when I’m so…stuck, and he’s…gone. In order for us to work together, we’d both have to take a step back and evaluate what we want out of this,” I tell her. I lean onto the counter and drop my head in my hands, groaning lowly. “God, I feel like a total asshole, Rae. I feel like I’ve been leading him on or something.”

She shakes her head. “That’s not true. You did have feelings for him at first. I know you did, or you wouldn’t have trusted him with your virginity. You wouldn’t have thrown that away to anyone.” Valid point. “But I think all the ideas and notions of love you two had are based on who you show the world. Not who you really are.”

Well I’ll be damned if she didn’t hit the nail on the head.

“And speaking of that,” she continues, “your hair is marvelous! You finally look like…you.”

“Oh my God! You’re the third person to say that. What in the hell have I been hiding behind all this time?”

“Your parents. You almost constantly live in fear of their disapproval.”

“My brain. You’re in it again, woman.”

“But I speak the truth.”

I nod. “You do.”

“And how do you feel now? More you? More like the person you want to be?”

“It’s only hair, Rae,” I say, avoiding eye contact with her.

“Don’t pull that ‘only hair’ bullshit with me, girly. You’re Maura Ann Doughers, daughter of Norah and John, and their daughter would never put color in her hair. Their daughter would never do anything to mess up the carefully crafted image they’ve created for her. Their daughter would never try to cancel on their annual dinner party. Their daughter—”

“Okay, okay. I get it. I’m stepping out of my box.”

“You mean you’re becoming your own person? You’re finding who you are, for real this time? For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been…secluded. You’re like an author on a tight deadline, holed up in a woodsy cabin somewhere, making contact with the real world but never truly connecting. Then after college, just like a writer who’s made their deadline, you stepped out of your proverbial log house and reconnected with the outside world. I feel like with Tanner, you reverted back to who you were before, that timid girl always hiding behind words, whether yours or others’. Now it seems as though you’re ready to publish your manuscript,” she says with a wink. “That’s a book I’d read and recommend, because I’ve missed you, Maura.”

I hate when she’s right. I’ve always hidden myself because I’ve never felt like I was good enough, smart enough, or perfect enough. Getting out of college changed that since I was no longer under the thumb of my parents. For the first time, I felt like I was able to be me, like I could conquer my fears. Somehow, meeting Tanner changed that. I knew he was the type of person my mother would want me to be with, so I assumed he was the type of person I needed to be with. That fed the flames of my insane need to be flawless until he left. As soon as that happened, I stopped feeling good or pretty or smart. I stopped being enough.

I need a person who will make me feel that way without wanting the approval of my parents. Someone who will make me feel like me without craving perfection.

Unfortunately, Tanner isn’t that guy. I only wish it hadn’t taken me over half a year to figure that out.

Since he’s been gone, we’ve been…different. It’s not all horrible, but it’s also not what I was hoping it would be, and it’s taking me a while to adjust. I had figured we’d grow closer together, the distance weaving a bond, but I realize now that I was naive to think that.

Active Duty Tanner is different from Leave Time Tanner. He’s wound so tightly when he’s on base in his “military mode.” Leave Time Tanner is much better. He’s sweet and usually easy to talk to.

The problem here is that I met Tanner on leave. When I met him, he was sweet and fun, not mean and being pulled in a million different directions like he is now. And I fell in lust with that initial version of him. Hard. So hard that after a week of being together, I handed him the most cherished thing I had: my virginity.

What I didn’t realize when we decided to forge this relationship with one another was that I’d be getting a new Tanner along with it, the side of my boyfriend I strongly dislike. He’s selfish, egotistical, and outright rude half the time. I know that he can be caring, humble, and polite, but a majority of the time he’s not. I have this distinct feeling that won’t change. I don’t want to have to change him, and I shouldn’t have to. We should just…work.

But we don’t.

However, if I’m honest, the Maura I am when I’m with Tanner is different from the one I am without him. I’m “perfect” with him, playing the part of devoted daughter and acting as though nothing is out of place. In reality, I’m out of place.

“Fine,” I huff, giving her a bitter head shake. “Yes.”

She has the nerve to give me a smug grin. Grabbing whatever is closest to me—a banana—I throw it at her.

“Thanks,” she says, catching it and breaking open the top.

“Why are you here? Not that I haven’t missed you immensely.”

“Really? I couldn’t tell with all your avoiding me lately,” she says, talking freely with mashed food in her mouth.

“It’s a wonder you hooked such an incredible guy with all your impeccable manners.”

“Pfft. Hudson loves it,” she insists, her mouth still full of food. She finally swallows before talking this time. “Now, acknowledge that you’ve been avoiding me, and I’ll answer your burning question.”

I wince because I was hoping she’d skip over that. “You noticed, huh?”

“I have. I wanted to give you a little time.”

“Thank you. I needed it.”

She gives an indifferent shrug. “Anyway, I’m here to officially invite you to Joey’s eighth birthday party. It’s Adventure Time themed. I’m stupid excited.”

“More excited than the seven-year-old?”

“Almost eight-year-old,” she corrects. “And yes, probably. It’ll be cake and ice cream at Hudson’s crib.”

“Hudson’s crib. Like you don’t practically live there.”

She smiles shyly at me. “True. But I don’t officially live there. Yet.”

I quirk my eyebrow at her. “Yet?”

“You know…yet.”

“Anything you need to tell me?”

Rae shrugs. “Nah. Not yet.”

I throw another banana at her. “Brat.”

“So are you coming?”

“Is that a real question? Of course I’m coming, ya weirdo. I wouldn’t miss it.”

“Tucker will be there.”

I instantly bristle because deep down I know exactly what she’s getting at. I ask anyway. “And why does that matter?”

She stares me down. “Don’t play.”

I sigh harshly. “What has he said?”

“That you’re avoiding him. And that you were kinda a bitch to him yesterday. Only he said it in a much nicer way.”

I want to roll my eyes at how accurate Tucker’s assumption is—again—but instead I take the high road and admit my wrongdoing. “Well, he’s not wrong.”

“On all counts?” Rae pushes.

“Unfortunately,” I mutter. “I…he pissed me off, okay? He was acting all nosey and whatnot. It was annoying.”

“You mean offered to take you to your parents’ dinner and give up a Saturday night to help out a friend? Yep. He’s a real dick.”

“Don’t start. I already had to hear it last night from Kassi. I get that I messed up and was rude. He was being nice and I was irritable. I apologized to him.”

She narrows her eyes at me, clearly not believing me. “Did you now?”

“Fine. I will apologize to him. Happy?”

“That my best friend and my boyfriend’s best friend are going to get along from here on out? Why yes, yes I am,” she smirks.

“You need to stop hanging out with Hudson. You’ve got his stupid smirk down pat and it’s creepy.”

Rae gives a dreamy sigh. “I love his stupid smirk. And him.”

I roll my eyes. “I will barf, woman.”

“You love me and my stupid smirk.”

“Marginally.”

“And by ‘marginally’ I know you mean a lot,” she says confidently. Rae leans forward and rests her head on her hands, getting serious. “What are you going to do about the Tanner thing? You gonna end it?”

“Is it horrible if I say no? I mean, not yet anyway. I want to do it face-to-face. He needs to see that I do care for him, and I know doing that over the phone won’t cut it.”

Nodding, she says, “That sounds reasonable. But you’re definitely gonna break it off?”

“Yeah. I can’t keep pretending. I feel terrible about it, but it’s not fair to either one of us.”

“Preach,” she says seriously.

I laugh because this girl—this strange auburn-haired girl sitting across from me—she completes me. She’s the best best friend a girl could ask for. Even when she says odd things in public. Her word vomit makes her who she is, and I adore that.

I envy how sure Rae is of herself. Her self-confidence is inspiring. She’s not the type of girl to beg for attention or pretend to be someone she’s not to impress people. She’s Rae. Loud, outgoing, sarcastic, fun, and full of life.

And I’ll never tell her this, but Hudson secretly calls her—and rightfully so—his spitfire. It’s adorable.

“All right. I’m gone,” she announces, jumping off her stool. “You wanna go to Jane’s tomorrow before work? New hair, new outfit? That’s the rule.”

See? She completes me.

“I’ll have to check my schedule. I have so many options.”

This time she throws a banana at me. “Rude. See you tomorrow,” she calls over her shoulder on her way out the door.

I shake my head at the sound of the front door closing.

“That girl exhausts me,” says Kassi as she walks into the kitchen, ready for work. She grabs an apple and heads toward the door. “Send me pics of Jane’s new inventory. I’m in need of a pick-me-up outfit myself.”

And she’s gone, leaving me alone to my thoughts. No thanks. So I get dressed and head into work four hours early.

Because that’s how exciting my life is now.