Biggest Regret

I looked at my phone and scrolled up. All the messages were in blue. I can tell she read my messages but she isn’t answering them, and then when she does come home, she avoids me.

I grabbed a beer from the fridge. I need to relax. I pulled the chair and sat back down at the dining room table. I will sit here all night if I have to. I need to talk to her. I need to figure out what the fuck is going on.

Ever since her mom brought up moving out, she has been acting so distant. I understand Holly is her mom and all, but goddamit. She can’t just ignore me.

I looked at the oven clock. She should be home any second. I finished my beer and headed toward the fridge for another.

I heard the BING of the elevator. Finally. My anger started to build up.

“We need to talk!” She took one step into the apartment.

She didn’t say anything. She just stood in the doorway and gave me a dirty stare.

“Don’t even try to avoid me today because we ARE going to talk. Whether you like it or not.”

She slammed the front door. The whole apartment shook.

“What the fuck! Don’t slam the door!”

“Fine. You want to talk? Then let’s talk.” This is the angriest I have ever seen her.

“How did I get my job?” She shouted.    

“What?”

“How did I get my job?” She repeated it again in the same tone.

“Wha- What does that have to do with anything? I wanted to talk about you moving out, and us.”

Her nostrils flared. Did she find out? No, she couldn’t have found out.

“There was no connection to the job, was there?” She yelled louder than before.

“Lily-”

“Answer the question!” Her face was turning red.

“NO!” I yelled at her.

An angry tear ran down her face. She started to laugh.

“That’s what I thought.”

She stared me down. Lily was trying to make me confess. But I couldn’t tell her the truth. I didn’t want to tell her what I did.

She opened her mouth, and then closed it. She was afraid to ask the next question.

“You hacked into the receptionist’s computer. Didn’t you?” She stomped her foot.    “DIDN’T YOU!” she roared again, not giving me any time to respond.

“You were the last person on the list! You were never going to make the cut!” I told her.

She took a deep breath and walked toward me. She walked past me, radiating anger and walked towards her room.

She swung her closet door open and pulled out the box she packed her clothes in.

“Lily?”

She grabbed an arm full of her closet and threw it in the box.

“Lily!”

She pushed the clothes down and threw more on top.

“LILY! STOP PACKING!!” I snapped.

My heart started to ache from the thought of her leaving.

“WHY??? You lied to me. You lied about having a connection at Prime so you can USE me. So you can FUCK me. I was your secret fuck that no one knew about. Because how could they. I am your stepsister!” Her voice was broken. “It was all a lie!” She tried to shove more clothes into the box.

She lifted her head, her eyes filled with tears.

“Was this your plan along? You-You-.” She inhaled. “I thought it was faith that I got the second interview with Prime Design which then let to the job. But it was-” She let out a frustrated yell.

“Lily, Let me explain-”

“NO!” she roared. “You fucked with me. You only got me the second interview because you wanted to use me! You wanted to fuck your little sister so badly you cheated the system. Well, good job. You did it!”

“I took matters into my own HANDS! Don’t you FUCKING tell me that I USED YOU! YOU’RE NOT JUST A FUCK!” I yelled back at her.

She went back to her box. I grabbed her hand, but she yanked it away.

“DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!”

I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know how to fix this.

“Lil-” I said quietly.

“I thought I got the job because I deserved it. I thought that if I got the second interview and the job then that meant.” Her voice shook. “Then that meant that it didn’t matter if we were related. I thought it meant that what we were doing was… okay. And maybe, just maybe, we were doing something right.” She closed up the box. “But I was wrong.”

She walked past me with the box in her hand and stopped in the kitchen. She placed the box on the counter and turned toward me with angry eyes.

“Can’t you see that I did it for you? I saw that you were passionate about that job when you came back from the interview. I just wanted to make you happy, Lily. That’s all I want. I just want to make you happy!”

She didn’t say anything. She was too angry to reason with me or see my side.

I looked into her room, “If you can’t find a way. Make a way.”

She let out a little sniffle.

“That’s exactly what I did. I couldn’t find a way to you. I couldn’t find a way to get you that job. So, I made a way.” I inched toward her. “I made a way, Lily. I never used you. I promise.”

I walked a little closer to her. I wrapped my arms around her and pouring my soul into the hug. We stayed in silence for a few seconds, until she mumbled something into my chest.

“This.” She pushed me away. “This is my biggest regret. You’re my biggest regret.”

A sharp pain filled my chest, I felt like I was drowning and burned at the same time.

“I started to regret things between us after dinner with our PARENTS,” she emphasized. “But now. Now I know this is the biggest regret of my life.”

She grabbed her box and walked toward the door but stopped abruptly.

“You know what. I’m glad that I found out. This made my decision to move out so much easier.”

I grabbed her shoulder.

“Please. Lillian. Don’t go.” I begged her.

She pulled her shoulder away from me. I hugged her from behind.

“I’m serious, Nate.” Her body was as hot as lava, but her voice was freezing. “Leave me alone. If you care about me at all, just leave me alone.”

I ripped myself off her. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I knew I wasn’t going to convince her to stay. But I had to try.

“Please. Lily.” I begged for the last time. “Just stay. We can make this work. You promised me that you would do anything. This is my anything. Don’t leave, Lillian.”

She looked back at me with a tear rolling down her eyes and walked out of the door without saying another word.

She left.

I stood in my kitchen feeling as though I didn’t belong in my own home. I felt lost.

“FUCK!”

I tightened my hand and aimed it toward the wall, putting all my strength behind it. I looked down at my hand. It was filled with drywall and broken skin. But I felt nothing.

She just.

Left.

She left me.