Chapter 36 – Brynn
I head back home to where Caleb steadfastly awaits. No matter how long I leave him hanging, he has no choice but to be there waiting for me when I get home. Poor little guy.
"Mommy!" he cries, as I walk through the door.
He's already in his pajamas, which makes sense because it's already his bed time.
"Hi Love," I tell him, bending down to wrap my arms around him and smell his hair. A mix of pancakes, maple syrup and dirt greet me in the aroma. He must have refused his bedtime bath again.
"Hello, Ms. Brynn," Esmeralda says, handing me a glass of sparkling water. "We have all missed you very much today. Your gentleman friend Larson is very nice."
"Ha ha ha. Gent-le-man friend," Caleb laughs.
I smile at him.
"What's so funny, my little guy?"
Then I smile at Esmeralda.
"How do I always have such great people to help me?" I muse aloud.
I'm thinking of her, and Mary, and even the airline employee who tried to support true love and my efforts to get to Larson.
"Because you are a very nice person and a joy to work for," Esmeralda says, smiling back at me.
I guess I'll have to take her word for it. Because right now I feel like a selfish bitch.
"What did you do today?" I ask Caleb, as he jumps up into my arms.
"Play with Larson," he says proudly.
I see he has moved on to calling him Larson instead of Motorcycle Man. And it makes my heart ache. Because I'm pretty sure I just messed that up.
And I knew I shouldn't have let Caleb get so close so soon. Even though I didn't know I'd be the one messing it up. I was afraid that Larson would, when all along I'm the one obviously not ready for a commitment of this magnitude because I can't even keep my commitment to day three of a 3-day date.
"I'll put him to bed," I whisper to Esmeralda.
"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow morning then," she says. "I'll give him a bath before his play group tomorrow, because he was not wanting to take one tonight."
"No bath!" Caleb cries, shaking his head back and forth vigorously.
"Thanks Esmeralda, and good night."
I nod at her and start walking upstairs.
"You have to be a good boy for Esie," I tell him. "Take a bath when she says to, okay?"
He nods his head but then shakes it.
"I know, you're tired," I tell him. "What did you and Larson do today?"
"Bunny. Hop hop," says Caleb, hopping like a rabbit in my lap.
"Hopped like bunnies?" I ask him.
He nods and smiles.
"Miss Bonnie."
"You hopped like bunnies at story time with Miss Bonnie?" I guess.
He nods again, proudly.
"Well, that sounds like fun."
He nestles his head under my own as I read him Goodnight Moon. We find the mouse in the picture on every page. At the end, he likes to add his own good nights.
"Good night Mommy," he says. "Goodnight Esie. Good night Miss Bonnie. Good night Larson."
By the time he gets to Larson's name, he's almost asleep, and he yawns half way through it.
I kiss him goodnight and say, "Mommy loves you, Caleb."
I just look at him in my arms, sad that this was the extent of the amount of time I was able to see him today— a Sunday. Tomorrow will be back to the rat race and our weekend plans got cut short.
Even if it wasn't for Larson, I'm getting tired of this life of working all the time. I don't want to miss the few years I have left of Caleb still being a little boy. But I have no idea how to get out of this mess I've created. I now understand the phrase "golden handcuffs." Without the job, I can't afford the life we've become accustomed to because of the job.
After a few minutes, I lay Caleb in his bed and kiss him again on his forehead. He groans and reaches out to hug his Tow Mater pillow from the Cars movies he loves so much. And then he's back asleep.
I go down to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of wine. Esmeralda was sweet to offer me the sparkling water I usually reach for as soon as I get home, but tonight I need to drown my sorrows a little bit.
Just a little bit, because I have to work tomorrow and I'm sure that will bring its own set of new challenges depending on what the partners and Clay— and I, I guess, since he's so insistent I be involved in everything— come up with in terms of his proposal.
And I also need liquid courage.
I decide to wait until I know that Larson's flight landed to call him. I try to watch mindless reality TV while I wait. And I drink another glass of wine.
When my phone beeps with the alert that Larson’s plane has landed in Albuquerque, I stare at it, afraid to find out what will happen when he answers.
But when I finally dial, he doesn't answer.
"Larson, it's Brynn again, and I'm an idiot," I tell him. "I'd like to explain what happened today. And apologize again profusely. Please call me back."
It’s time to go to sleep but I can’t. I can’t stop thinking that I ruined everything.
I’m always forced to choose between my job and someone I love and this time, as usual, I chose my job. Over someone I love.
I let the enormousness of the thought that I love Larson— and that I might never see him again— weigh on me as I stare at the ceiling and try to sleep.