WESTON
“I honestly don’t know if I can handle it as well as you did with dad.” I grumble, running my frustrated hand through my long hair.
“—had to, Weston. I wasn’t given a choice. I had you and your brothers to look after. I couldn’t dwell on my grief or anxiety. You boys needed me to be strong enough to carry that weight for all of us, your father included.” My mother’s voice cracks and, as I look over her shattering strength, I notice the new wrinkles that have taken up residence around her kind, soft eyes.
“I can’t lose her, Mom. Kate is everything to me.” I ball my fists at my side, trying with all my might to hold back my anger and bitterness, but knowing my efforts are futile. “Fuck—”
“Language, Weston Alexander.” my petite mother scolds while kneeling on a foam pad amidst the dirt and flowers in her overalls and straw floppy hat. She pulls aggressively at the weeds that have sprung up in the small patch of hydrangeas lining our front pathway.
“Sorry, ma.” I sigh. “I’m just so angry at her for keeping me in the dark. We’re married. We’re a team. How am I supposed to get over this?”
My mother places her small hand shovel down and looks me in the eyes.
“You won’t be able to.” She smiles a sad, sympathetic smile. “Kate made a mistake and I think she realizes it now, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that she kept this from you. She’s never been around this disease before, so I’m not sure she fully realizes what’s going to come.”
“I know she hasn’t come to grips with the reality of our situation.” I kneel beside my mother, pulling out the weeds with my fists. Gardening isn’t something I enjoy,; in fact, I hate it, but hard work is therapeutic and it helps ease the restlessness in me to do something- anything.
“Have you talked to her about it?”
“I tried. She won’t listen. All Kate keeps reiterating is that we made each other a promise to focus on the good, and only the good. She refuses to give light to the cancer topic until Charlotte is born.”
“Your wife is one hardheaded and stubborn gal.”
I laugh at the truth of her statement. “Don’t I know it. She drives me fucking crazy.”
“Weston Alexander Cahill, watch your damn language.”
“Mom, you just said damn.” I chuckle, watching that familiar spark enter her eyes, reminding me all too much of when she used to chastise us as kids.
“Well, I’m the mother and I’m allowed.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
We continue pulling weeds in silence. I feel the dirt beneath my fingers and can feel my muscles flexing with each handful of weeds I yank from the ground.
I missed being around my mom. With her living a few hours away, we don’t get to see each other often. Luckily though, since Kate is nearing the end of her pregnancy, my mom has come into town. She’s convinced she will be the first one- besides Kate and me- to hold our daughter.
I love being able to talk to her about everything I’m going through. She’s been through what I’m beginning to experience and is wise beyond her years. One thing I’ve learned growing up is that my mother is always right. Even when she’s wrong, she’s right.
“How bad is it gonna get, mom?” I ask her, remaining hopeful that what Kate is going to endure isn’t nearly as bad as I remember it being.
“Kate has a different cancer than your father, but regardless, it’ll depend upon how far it progresses before she begins treatment. Obviously, the farther along it is, the harder it will be for her to beat.”
I don’t realize it until my mom places her hand upon mine that I’ve stopped working.
“Kate is strong and has the heart of a warrior. Don’t give up on her just yet; she might just surprise you, son.”
“I’m not giving up on her. I never will. It’s just that I’m scared. When she begins her treatments, I might not always be there. We’ll have Charlotte to look after and it’s going to be hard to divide my time between being a new father and looking after a little human and being there physically and emotionally for Kate while she goes through everything. I don’t know how I’m going to do it and be strong for her at the same time.” I choke up, but mentally remind myself that I don’t cry. “I don’t want her to go through that all alone.”
“She won’t, my sweet boy.” She pulls me into a hug and, for a few moments, I let the tears fall. “You’ll figure it out. Kate won’t be alone. She has you, Charlotte, Jasmine, and even me. If you need me, I will be here. If you need someone to watch your daughter while you’re at the hospital with your wife, I’ll be here. If you need a listening ear, I’m here. If you ever need to get away and think, don’t hesitate to put more onto my plate. I will welcome that burden because I love you and I adore Kate as if she was my own.”
We sit together in comfortable silence, my mom holding me as if I was still a young child. I can’t remember the last time that happened and it kind of feels nice to have a little of the weight lifting from my shoulders.
It wasn’t expected. It wasn’t warranted. It just appeared out of nowhere like a dagger piercing my heart. Nearly impossible to remove without damaging the muscles surrounding it and slowly bleeding to death.
Every moment of every day my thoughts are focused solely on Kate’s cancer. The questions plaguing me- Will she beat this? How much pain is she going to be in? Will the cancer beat her? Am I capable of raising a child on my own? Do I want to? How could I possibly live without the person who breathes life into my soul? What the fuck am I going to do?
They never go away. With each passing minute, at least three more questions are added to my list.
“You can handle this, honey. I have faith in you and I have faith in Kate. You’re both young and have your lives ahead of you. Don’t let fear of the unknown encompass you.” I breathe out deeply, pulling back from her embrace. “Enjoy each other. Enjoy this beautiful time. The birth to your first child only happens once.”
“I can’t wait to meet her.” I say, changing the conversation to a more positive one while both of us stand and brush the dirt from our hands and knees.
“She’s gonna be a beauty, that’s for sure. Let’s hope she takes after her momma.” My mom winks at me and I laugh.
“I hope so too. It might be a little strange if she looked like me. You know, the whole beard thing.”
“Speaking of your beard, it needs to be shaved. We can’t even see your handsome face with all that hair.” She grabs onto my beard and pulls, as if that’s going to magically remove it from my face altogether.
“If I shave it, you’re going to be forced to listen to Kate moan and groan while she threatens to leave me for a lumberjack.”
“She would not.” Her eyes widen in shock as I nod, chuckling beneath my breath.
“My wife likes my beard. So it stays.”
She holds up her hands. “Okay, okay. If you say so.”
“Oh, I say so.” Kate walks out the front door, smiling. She walks up to me and kisses my cheek, running the tips of her fingers through my beard. “I’m quite attached.”
I pull back and bend down to her protruding belly, giving it a soft kiss. I hear a sharp intake of breath and I glance over at my mom. She has tears in her eyes and is covering her mouth with her hand.
“Seriously mom?” I roll my eyes at her.
“Shush, Weston. Let me enjoy my baby being a daddy.”
“He’s going to be a great one, huh?” Kate looks at her smiling, her eyes twinkling in the light of the sunshine.
I stand there watching something pass between them before my mother grabs Kate, pulling her into a tight hug.
“He’s gonna be the best.”
Kate and my mom are two peas in a pod. Dramatic, bossy, but with hearts of gold. Charlotte is going to be one blessed little baby with two softies like them in her life.
I wish she would hurry up and come already. The anticipation is too much.
“Oh, I see that look in your eyes, mister. She won’t make her grand appearance until she’s good and ready. And at this rate, she’s about as stubborn as her mommy. It might be awhile.”
“I don’t doubt it.” I chuckle.