On my way downstairs, I reached into my bag, tired of waiting for Declan to call. Hopefully, I’d catch him while he was somewhere he could talk.

That’s when I saw all the missed calls and texts. I had to scroll down through my notices to see them all. The first call had probably come in while I was in the shower. The others while I was arguing with my mom.

Five missed calls. Four texts that were all variations of ‘I really need to talk to you.’

“Shit.” I called him back, the apology already forming on my lips.

“Where the fuck are you?” Declan shouted as soon as he picked up.

“Where do I even start?” I asked, glaring at my mom who was still staring at me from the top of the stairs.

“You know what? Don’t bother,” he spat, completely misunderstanding the direction my flippancy was aimed in. “I can’t take any more of this shit, Sara. I just can’t deal with it. Not now. Not…now. You promised you’d stay here until I got back. You promised you’d pick up your phone. Damn it, Sara, I needed you. I needed someone who understood, who knows me. But you weren’t fucking here.”

“I’m here now. I’m—” I wished I could’ve reached for him to prove it. To prove that I was real and with him.

“I gotta go.”

“Wait, Declan! I missed your call because I told my mo—”

I’m not sure he heard it before he hung up on me. It had been an accident, but in his current state of mind I wasn’t sure he would’ve cared. Since I’d been the first to break our promise to one another—good reason or not—why would he care about breaking it now?

It wasn’t about me, or even us. I couldn’t take his reaction personally. I should go to him, explain it to him in person, face-to-face. Even if he walked away or screamed at me again, I should go. He deserved that, especially now when he was hurting so badly.

Of course, I couldn’t do that without knowing where he was. I wished Andi were here—she’d have been able to triangulate his cell phone location or whatever computer geniuses did.

I tried calling him back even though I knew he wouldn’t answer. As soon as his voice mail message picked up, I hung up and then called him right back, hoping he’d be annoyed enough with the incessant ringing that he’d answer just to tell me off again. No such luck.

So I texted. No idea how many times. Then I gave up and called Trevor. I didn’t know what was going on, but if anyone other than Declan did, it would be his best friend. Before he left, Declan had said something about Trevor knocked out. I hoped it wasn’t bad enough to keep him off his cell phone.

Trevor didn’t answer my call…but someone else did.

“Trevor’s phone,” a slow, groggy-sounding voice said.

“Who is this?”

“Sam. Who are you?”

Thank goodness. “Sam, it’s Sara. Declan’s…girl…friend.” Why did that word suddenly make me feel like a liar? “I’m looking for Declan. Do you know where he is? And do you know what’s happening with Trevor?”

“I think they’re still at the hospital. Well…” Fatigue and sadness slurred his words in a way alcohol could never do. “Obviously, Trevor is still there, and Dec probably is, too, but I’m not a hundred percent on that. Or much of anything right now, actually.”

“You sound exhausted. I don’t want to keep you from sleeping. But I wanted to find out if everyone’s okay.” I held it together while he explained. I think I understood about half of it because his story kept bouncing around from the bar, to Trevor, to the past, to Declan until I was so confused I had to stop him. “Trevor’s going to be alright, though, won’t he?” In the short time I’d known him, I’d come to believe that Trevor had a superhero’s liver and a toddler’s joie du vive. Nothing was strong enough to keep him down.

“Fuck, I hope so. I’m going back to see him in a few hours. Just came home to shower and grab a few z’s.”

“I’m sorry for keeping you from it. One more quick question?”

“Anything for you, Sara.” His sincerity caught my breath and held it for a second. From the moment I’d met them, each member of Self Defense had shown me nothing but respect and friendship. It was fairly obvious that they all were as screwed up in the head as I was, but that had never affected how well they treated me, or each other.

“What did I ever do to deserve you guys?” Then, realizing I’d just said ‘one more question,’ I added, “Don’t answer that. Because then you might realize I don’t deserve you.”

“Never. But I’m…”

“Right. You don’t think he’d want me to be there?”

“Declan? Nah. I think he needs you to be there.” Sam would’ve been right an hour ago, but now?

I wanted to scream. But with so much crashing down on top of me, I couldn’t even manage a whisper. Somehow, everything had gone wrong, and I’d ended up in the middle of it. How did this happen? Had I been avoiding what was really going on around me for so long I hadn’t seen the inevitable?

“Where is he, Sam?”

After he’d told me which hospital to go to, I thanked him, told him to call me if he needed anything, and then hung up.

Okay. It was time to prove I could be there for Declan like he’d been for me. He needed me now.

“Sara, what’s going on?” my mom called from upstairs.

“Nothing,” I yelled as I yanked the door open and ran down the driveway.

Cal’s lies would take time to unwind and prove wrong. I couldn’t fix Trevor, but I could help Declan. I could stand by someone who’d never once hurt me and who’d proven over and over that I could trust him.

Declan had listened and believed in me when no one else did—when I’d been too afraid to even tell my best friends. He’d heard me when I wasn’t even speaking. He’d known me even though I hadn’t deliberately let him in.

I heard my mom still calling me, but I didn’t stop. I stood on the sidewalk in front of the house, willing a cab to drive by. But they didn’t come to residential areas without reason, and they couldn’t read the desperation in my mind.

Fuck! I took out my phone to check my ride-share app. Hopefully, a car was dropping someone off nearby, and I could reserve it before anyone else did. I was too upset to get my thumbs to function correctly, so before I’d even been able to enlarge the map’s screen view, my mom was next to me, out of breath.

When she grabbed my arm, I realized how she could help. “Mom, I need your car.”

“What’s going on, Sara? What happened?”

It would take three days and more energy than I had to tell her everything. “I’ll explain it to you later, but right now, I really need you to let me use your car.”

Growing up in the city had given me very little experience behind the wheel, and I didn’t even know where the hospital was. Hell, the only reason I even had a license was to prove I was over twenty-one. But there was no other way, so I had to risk it.

“No way.”

“Goddamn it, Mom! I can’t deal with your bullshit right now.”

“I’ll drive you,” she said. “You’re too upset to drive yourself. It’s not safe.”

True, but was it any safer if she was drunk? I leaned closer to her, smelling her breath.

She knew exactly what I was checking. “I haven’t had anything tonight. I…I’ve been trying to slow down.”

How many times had I heard her say that?

“I swear to you, Sara. I’m sober. Tell me where you want to go, and I’ll take you. No questions. No bullshit. Please, let me do this for you.”

After another moment, I nodded. “Fine. Saint Francis Memorial Hospital.” It was the only place he’d go—to be with his friend, to be there for his best friend, even if Trevor were still unconscious. Or…worse.

No matter what, Declan would be there. And so would I. No matter what.

I hurried back up the driveway and into the garage, my mom a few steps behind me.

I held on to the door handle and my seat as Mom drove, bracing myself as we came to each corner. She was driving faster than I’d ever seen, her eyes stuck on the road, never speaking. Thank goodness.

A few minutes later, she pulled the car into the emergency drop-off area and skidded to a stop.

“I’ll go park and—” She sighed, looking at me with wet eyes. “Can I come in after I park, or would you rather I—?” I was fairly certain that this was the first time she’d ever stepped foot out of the house without her makeup and hair done, not to mention that she was still in her pajamas.

“I’ll be okay. I can get a cab back to the house when I’m ready. Just don’t freak out if I don’t come back for a while.” I walked away before she tried to change my mind.