I stood outside Declan’s apartment, staring at his door for a minute. Okay, fine. But it was no more than ten. Plus, I did a little pacing, too. Gotta get in the cardio when you can, right?

“Oh shit.” I jerked, looking for a place to hide when I heard the elevator doors open. Unfortunately, the hallway was just that, a hallway, with no plants or corners to hide behind. There was a window at one end, though. Which, in San Francisco, meant there was probably a fire escape right outside. Unfortunately, all that nervous pacing hadn’t improved my ninja skills enough to get there in time. So, I pretended to casually look outside—i.e. hide my face—and hoped it wasn’t Declan.

“Sara?” a woman’s voice asked. “Sara, is that you?”

I slowly turned around, contemplating my response. Declan’s neighbor-slash-dog sitter, Rebecca, stood there, smiling at me while rummaging around in her purse, presumably for her keys.

“Hi,” I whispered, praying these walls were thick enough that he hadn’t heard Rebecca say my name. “How are you?”

“Good. Is Declan out? Dang it. I should’ve checked with him earlier. I was hoping I could borrow Kitty tonight. She’s great company. I swear I’m going to miss that dog so much when he leaves.”

Should I lie? Tell her he was out even though I still had no idea if he was or not? Because I hadn’t built up enough courage to knock on his door. “I’m not sure, actually. I just got here myself.” I could tell by her expression she was confused by my implausible timeline. So, I did what any sane person would do—I added another lie on top of the first one. “A bird hit the window. I was checking to see if it was okay.” If I were lucky, I’d figure a way out of it before I hit the four-lie maximum during one conversation.

“Oh, the poor thing,” she said. “I owe you an apology, then.”

“For what?”

“Well, when I saw you here, I assumed you were pretending you hadn’t been standing outside Declan’s door, wondering if you should knock or not.” Thankfully, her smile was friendly, not condescending or judgmental. I wasn’t sure I could take any more judgment—I’d already done enough of it.

I threw my hands up. “You won’t tell him I’m a total coward, will you?”

“Of course not. It’s none of my business. But I don’t know what you’re afraid of. Declan’s incredible, and he really likes you.”

I must have reacted visually because her expression changed, and she nodded even though I hadn’t said a word. Damn my face.

“Are you guys fighting?”

I shrugged. “It was a misunderstanding—he misunderstood one of my issues for another one of my issues, a more hurtful one.”

“Sounds complicated.” Her keys clinked together as she pulled them out of her bag. “Will a drink give you courage?”

I followed her toward her door, my stomach churning a warning that under no circumstances should I dare pour anything alcoholic into it. “Maybe a glass of water?” So, if I ever did gather up enough courage to knock on his door, at least my throat wouldn’t be too dry to speak.

Just as she cracked open her door, I heard another open behind me. Knowing it was Declan’s, I almost shoved Rebecca through hers to get out of the hallway. But all I managed to accomplish was to scare her into stopping and turning around to check what the hell was wrong with me.

“Hey.” Declan’s tone was too flat to know if he was furious, disappointed, or completely over me. His expression didn’t give away anything either. Crap, was it possible to go through all the breakup steps and get to indifference in a single day? I didn’t have enough experience with relationships to know. I’d seen a lot of people go through it, but they’d all been fairly high-maintenance women. The kind who broke down and cried if Nordstrom’s didn’t have the pair of shoes they wanted in their size. I was fairly sure a man wouldn’t do that.

Declan stood half in and half out of his doorway, his legs wide to block Kitty from escaping.

“Hi,” I muttered lamely.

“Hey, Dec. Sara came here to talk to you, but I’ve decided to kidnap her instead because you haven’t shared her at all. And I’m lonely. Plus, I need more friends. Of course, if you really, really want to talk to her, I guess I could wait a bit. Up to you. But you’d owe me…a lot, so think about it carefully.”

Whoever this woman was, I needed her to be my friend. She’d casually set it up so that both Declan and I could save face without directly offending the other. Of course, I still hoped Declan wanted to talk to me, but it wasn’t my choice anymore. I’d blown my shot when I chose to have a pity party for myself rather than thinking of him and the promise I’d made. But I crossed my fingers anyway.

He stared at me silently for a long time, probably long enough for me to have run to the window and thrown myself out of it.

“I guess I’m going to owe you, Rebecca. Sorry. Add whatever you want to my tab.”

I let out a breath of air, feeling my shoulders lower even though I hadn’t noticed they’d lifted.

I turned to Rebecca. “I think this one should go on my tab, actually. I’ll pay his off, too. Over coffee sometime?”

“Declan’s is big enough to buy a Starbucks,” she joked. “But I’ll happily call it even if you get him to stop moping through the hallway.”

“I’ll do my best.”

His smile only lifted one side of his mouth before Rebecca rushed inside her apartment and slammed the door, her “Bye” muffled from inside, but I could still hear her laughter.

I turned to Declan. “You don’t have to talk to me. I mean, I’ll understa—”

“Want to come in?” he asked, flicking his head. “Or should we go to neutral ground?”

“You pick.”

He chuckled. “Oh, so now I get to choose?” Then he blew out a breath and ran both hands over his face, finally pushing his hair back and looking at me. “Shit, I didn’t mean that. I’m just…I’m…”

“Mad at me?” I asked as I followed him inside and shut the door behind me. At least Kitty wasn’t angry—she nuzzled my leg as I walked carefully, each step a struggle to keep from tripping over her. I rubbed her head to thank her for her support.

“Hurt. Confused. Completely out of my element.”

“What do you mean?”

He sat on the arm of the couch, and I took the opposite chair. Kitty stood between us for a second like a child being forced to pick which parent they’d live with. I didn’t stand a chance—I wasn’t even her stepmom. I was more like the thief who brought her a treat to distract her long enough to steal stuff. When she realized that, she plodded over to her dad and shoved her nose into his hand until he petted her.

“I’ve been pretty spoiled my whole life,” he said. “I have very few wants. And when I do want something, I usually get it without too much struggle. Now, what I want has never been clearer”—he smiled sadly—“and I’ve never been so unsure of how to get it.” He lifted his hand from Kitty’s head and curled it into a fist. “Every time I think I finally have it within my grasp, it slips through my fingers, and I’m back where I started—empty.” He opened his fist and stared at the palm of his hand.

I was too chicken to ask if he meant a relationship or a relationship with me.

Obviously, Kitty knew how he was feeling, or maybe she was just another female who lived for his attention, but she pushed at him until he started petting her again. It must be so great to be a dog. So simple. No games or confusion or misunderstandings. Nothing to feel sorry about, no chance of screwing up and hurting the person you loved. Kitty knew what she needed and demanded it without guilt or worry.

“I’m sorry.” It came out so quietly, only Kitty would’ve been able to hear it. So, I tried again. “I’m sorry, Declan. I didn’t mean to miss your gig, and I wasn’t out partying.”

“Where were you?”

I took a deep breath, steadying myself for the truth. Emilia and Andi had spent months trying to get me to explain what had happened with Cal, and then a few hours last night helping me figure out a way to tell Declan. But now that I was here, in front of him, it was like none of that had happened.

“Remember when we were at that bar, and I told you that people should believe the people they loved when they told them something?”

His eyes darkened. “So, I should just believe that you didn’t diss me to go out partying? Without any proof, and despite how slurred your voice was?”

“No! That’s not what I’m saying. That comment wasn’t about you.”

“Then who the hell was it about?” Damn, even Kitty glared at me angrily.

“My stepbrother…because he raped me.” I doubted either one of us had expected that to come out of my mouth quite like that. Declan’s look of shock made sense—this was the first time he’d heard about it. Mine was because I’d never told anyone so bluntly before. I couldn’t remember exactly which words I’d used to explain to my mother what Cal had done to me, but it definitely hadn’t been that direct. Neither had it been that bold when I’d told Emilia and Andi last night.

I think I just knew Declan wouldn’t blame me, no matter how much I might’ve blame myself.