Chapter 18
Joanna
“Do you understand where I’m coming from?”
I didn’t have a clue where Bastian was coming from. It was clear that he regretted letting things transpire between the two of us. He didn’t want to risk our working relationship or friendship. I had my suspicions that it had a lot to do with his past.
I forced myself to nod, though, while masking the sting of rejection I felt so deep in my stomach that it caused me to grimace. Nothing about Bastian made sense anymore. He was hot, then cold. He wanted me close, then he pushed me away. I didn’t know how to deal with his mercurial moods anymore.
“I understand what you’re trying to say,” I said.
“I’m not saying that I didn’t enjoy it,” Bastian said, folding his hands in front of him on the desk. “I won’t deny that I’ve thought about it for a very long time. You’re very attractive to me, Joanna. I can’t lie to you about that.”
A shiver went up my spine at that. So he did want me. He just didn’t want to pursue anything further in an attempt to save me from something. I had already gone through a shitty relationship where everything I did was always wrong. Things with Bastian felt natural, even good. I liked feeling like I didn’t have to answer to him about what I wanted to do during the day.
“I’m attracted to you, too,” I said slowly. “I’ve been attracted to you for a while, but I understand what you’re trying to tell me. It’s probably for the best if we just nip it in the bud for now.”
Bastian nodded at that even though he didn’t look entirely pleased with what I was saying. “It’s for the best, I think. You’ve been going through a bad relationship, so I don’t want you to jump into another one.”
“Is that what you think is going to happen?” I asked, frowning. “I don’t know why you think you are some horrible guy, Bastian. I don’t think you understand any of your worth here.”
Shadows danced across Bastian’s face. Before I could even read them, he turned harshly around in his chair to power his computer on. I took it as a sign that the conversation was over, and I turned to go. I didn’t trust my voice at the moment with anger and confusion rippling through me.
“It’s not about worth,” he said.
I paused in surprise to hear those words come out of Bastian’s mouth in a low-pitched voice. I glanced over my shoulder to gaze at him with a pounding heart.
“Then what is it about at the end of the day?” I asked. “You told me to come here with you. You’ve done all these things for me that most people normally wouldn’t do, but you insist that you aren’t willing to go further with anything.”
“Are you expecting a relationship with me then?”
I didn’t like that question. I didn’t like the strange turn this entire conversation was taking, but I was more tired of second-guessing what Bastian wanted me to do. I didn’t expect a relationship. I didn’t even know if I was emotionally equipped to deal with another relationship to begin with.
“I don’t know,” I replied honestly. “I’m not sure about what I want at this point in time, but I can’t deal with this back and forth thing.”
Bastian swiped a hand over his face in aggravation. “That’s my point. I’m not good at being consistent with what I want because I don’t even know what I want at times.” He looked up at me. “I just don’t want to break your heart by getting involved with you is all, Joanna. I’m honestly not a good man. I have my demons to deal with.”
I came around the edge of Bastian’s desk to cup his face in my hands. I didn’t care whether he stiffened underneath my touch out of surprise or something else.
“You are not a bad man,” I insisted, gazing down at him. “You are a good man. I don’t care what you say about yourself; you are a good man. You just don’t see your worth because of your own scars.”
He reached up to gently pull my hands away from his scruffy cheeks. “That’s my entire point to you. We can’t have a relationship if we can’t look past our own personal issues.”
“Maybe you’re right, but I am going to try to move on from my own problems. Maybe you should give it a try, too.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Bastian asked, his eyes narrowing in defense. “Are you implying that I’m refusing to move on from my ex-wife?”
“You’re implying that I’m not ready to move on from my ex-boyfriend.” I tilted my head up bravely then. “And you’re right. I may be fucked up for saying this, but I just wanted to feel good away from the shit that I have going on inside my heart. I just thought we could make each other feel good. That was it. I wasn’t asking for you to date me exclusively since we work together. I realize that isn’t even in the cards.”
“It can’t be in the cards,” he said. “Not while you are employed by me. Not while you are going through your thing.”
“You need to move on too, Bastian,” I said, shaking my head at him. “You honestly need to just move on from Sierra. You can’t keep going at the pace you’re going at.”
He flashed me a dark and humorless smile. “More reason to avoid a man like me, honey. I’m a good friend. I’m a good lover. I sure as hell ain’t a good anything else. I’m trying to protect you here.”
“I can protect myself. Believe it or not, I have been okay before you.”
“Really?” Bastian questioned sarcastically. “The bruises on your neck that are fading tell me a completely different story.”
The lash of words against me drew the air right out of my lungs. I stared down at Bastian in disbelief. Tears filled my eyes.
“Who are you?” I asked, shaking my head. “This isn’t the Bastian I knew before coming out to Park City.”
I twisted on the heel of my foot to leave the office before he could say anything else. I could feel a confrontation brewing. I wasn’t in the mood to battle with Bastian any longer about who had the worst scars to deal with. A thick snowfall was coming down outside when I entered the living room to gaze out the large and spotless windows. It was beautiful when the entire world was covered in a thick blanket of pure white. There was something utterly peaceful about going out to the forest in the middle of a snowstorm just to hear how quiet the world could be for a moment.
That had been what had lured me into my walk through the evergreen pines: the quiet stillness there and the muffled and distant world. I hadn’t even realized I’d been going in the wrong direction for at least an hour until Bastian stormed up on the snowmobile with a gun strapped to him. He could’ve just trusted that I would find my way back, but he didn’t want me to get killed.
I shook my head as I went back upstairs to grab my phone. I texted Sabrina, who texted back that she would call me after work. They were far behind on a few things in the office, which I was sure didn’t add nicely to Bastian’s already foul temper. He had left work to be with me for an entire week until things settled down with Sid, but they weren’t settling down. They were getting worse. Even if Bastian didn’t say a word, I could see that in his eyes. He wasn’t happy about having his office messed with, but it was only going to get worse when it came to Sid. Those photographs had been a clear and stark warning that it would only get worse the longer I tried to hide from him.
In need of a friendly voice, I called my mother, who was undoubtedly home and about to start lunch for my father. She answered on the second ring.
“Joanna, thank goodness you called,” she said into the phone. “Are you okay?”
I frowned as I curled up in front of the fireplace. “Of course I am. Why do you sound so panicked?”
“There’s a woman named Sabrina who has been telling me a few things about that boss of yours. She called me last night to talk to me.”
“Sabrina?” I repeated, thoroughly confused. “What are you talking about, Mom? I know Sabrina wouldn’t call you—”
“She has called me, though, Joanna. I think it’s a good idea if you tell me where you are now. Your boss does not sound like the greatest protector in the world.”
“I don’t understand what you’re talking about,” I said. “Who called you?”
“Sabrina did,” she said impatiently. “She’s worried that you’ve moved from one abusive relationship to another one. Quite frankly, I don’t blame her for being worried. Do you even have an understanding of what sort of reputation that Bastian Burke has with women?”
“Of course I know his reputation,” I replied hesitantly. “He isn’t like my ex, though. He isn’t verbally or physically abusive. He just doesn’t like relationships.”
“And how is that going to do you any good?” she asked.
“I never said we were going to have a relationship in the first place. How do you even know that I’m with him exactly?”
“Your friend told me, for the hundredth time,” she said, frustrated. “He sounds like a heartbreaker, honey. Just tell me where you are, and we’ll come get you in a heartbeat.”
“I can’t just leave.” I toyed with an errant string poking out of the couch cushion. “I don’t know if I can be out there with you until Sid calms down, Mom. He’s manipulating everybody.”
“I don’t doubt that, but what’s the difference between the two of them?”
“There is a huge difference,” I said. “I don’t even know why we are having this conversation right now. Sabrina wouldn’t tell you things like that.”
“She’s just concerned about you. She wanted to see if I had an idea of who you are staying with.”
Something didn’t sound right. I looked up when I heard Bastian move around upstairs before it went quiet again.
“Why don’t you give me that number?” I questioned. “That way I can call her myself to figure out what is going on.”
I wrote down the number she rattled off. I hung up after promising to call her back and then scrolled to my saved contact information for Sabrina. Dread filled my stomach as I compared the two numbers. Whoever had called my mother was certainly not Sabrina. The numbers didn’t match.
I debated on texting the number, or even calling it, just to see who it was. I resisted at the last second because a part of me already knew the answer. Sid was charming. He could easily tell a woman to pretend to be Sabrina calling in concern about my whereabouts when Sabrina already knew.
The walls of Bastian’s mansion suddenly felt as though they were closing in on me. It didn’t matter where I decided to hide; Sid was always going to be there. He had his resources working double time in an attempt to figure out where I had gone. It was only a matter of time before he showed up at Bastian’s front door with his gun drawn.
I swallowed thickly as I rose from the couch to gaze out at the abandoned road leading up to the house. This wasn’t going to end well. I could already feel it in my heart.