CHAPTER TEN
From the Texts of Shane Willoughby and Jake “the Dragon” Falcone
Jake: Hey, it’s me.
Thought we could answer some of these questions. You busy?
Shane: Nope. I’m Shane Francesca Willoughby. Thirty-two years old. Scorpio.
Jake: Jake Anthony Tobias Falcone. Thirty years old. Taurus.
So I guess I should respect your authority.
Shane: Because I’m an older woman?
Jake: Because you’re a Scorpio. My mom used to write horoscopes for our local paper. She said you should never cross a scorpion.
Shane: That’s right, Falcone, don’t cross me. No matter how much your stubborn Taurus head might want to.
Jake: Bulls are also known for being patient and friendly, you know.
Shane: I’ll try to remember that if I ever see you being patient or friendly.
Jake: Ouch.
But I guess I deserve that. I wasn’t on my best behavior today.
Shane: Your behavior was fine. I was just joking.
Moving on to number two: any known allergies?
Jake: Nope.
Shane: Good. I’m allergic to hairy caterpillars, but only if I inhale.
Jake: Is that another joke?
Shane: A bad one, lol. Sorry.
But it’s also true.
If inhaled, caterpillar hair can cause anaphylactic shock in people who are sensitive to the toxin. I’m sensitive.
Jake: That’s wild. How did you find out you’re allergic to something like that?
Shane: I was camping with my parents when I was little. We were watching a bunch of pine caterpillars crawling up a tree and all of a sudden I started swelling up. My dad was allergic to beestings so he happened to have an EpiPen on him. If he hadn’t, chances are I would have died before we got back to our tent, let alone to a hospital.
Jake: So you carry one of those EpiPens with you all of the time?
Should I learn how to use it? Just in case?
Shane: I do carry one all the time, but no, you don’t have to learn how to use it. You don’t run into too many hairy caterpillars in NYC. I haven’t had a reaction since that first time.
But that’s thoughtful of you.
Jake: Friendly, patient, and thoughtful. Typical Taurus.
Also, reliable and stable.
I knew there were a few good things I left out before.
Shane: Humble, too.
Jake: I try.
People who don’t cover their mouth when they cough.
Shane: Excuse me?
Jake: Number three, pet peeves. I can’t stand it when people don’t cover their mouths when they cough. And assholes who stand right in front of the subway door instead of moving into the car are pretty high on my shit list, too.
Shane: Omg, I hate those people! They suck so hard.
Almost as hard as people who throw their trash on the street when there’s a damn trashcan half a block up.
Jake: Yes! Fuck, those lazy fucks.
We don’t all want to live in your trashcan, ass-wipe.
Shane: Right? And people who don’t clean up after their dogs!
Grr! What is wrong with them?
Jake: Exactly! What kind of miserable excuse for a human being do you have to be to leave a steaming pile of crap on the ground for someone to come along and step in?
Shane: A steaming pile of stupid human.
A giant, living poop emoji without the smiley face.
And don’t even get me started on people who refuse to recycle. I mean, I get that they don’t care if their grandchildren have a habitable planet but maybe the rest of us would like to leave the next generation something better than an overheated garbage palace infested with plague and pestilence.
Jake: Yes!
To all of that.
I like you…
Shane: You like how easily irritated I am by other human beings?
Jake: Yes. People are the worst. I avoid them as much as possible.
Shane: So I’ve heard…
I’m assuming that’s why I can’t find a single picture of you out on a date where you aren’t glaring and looking grumpy?
Jake: I’m not a fan of paparazzi, either.
Or anyone else who wants to take my picture without warning me about it at least a week in advance.
Shane: I get it, but you’re always scowling, buddy. Even in the shots when it doesn’t seem like you know anyone is taking your picture.
Jake: I like to keep my game face on. I save the other stuff for when my date and I are alone.
Shane: It’s amazing they agree to be alone with you if you refuse to smile until you’ve got them behind closed doors.
Very serial killer-y, dragon.
Jake: No, serial killers are nice up front, crazy in the back. Like a mullet.
Shane: Lol.
Jake: Besides, I’m not an asshole to the women I go out with. I just don’t smile a lot.
Shane: That’s a shame. You have a beautiful smile.
Jake: Well…thank you.
I haven’t smiled much lately. Until today.
It was nice.
Shane: You’re nice, but I wouldn’t have been interested in going anywhere with you unless I’d seen you smile a little. Not to be a jerk, but I’m kind of baffled by your success with women.
I guess I’m underestimating the appeal of the professional hockey player thing.
Jake: It’s helpful. I won’t lie.
But I like to think I have a few other things going for me.
I’m a decent kisser, for example…
Shane: I’m serious, Falcone. Don’t try to change the subject.
We need to get past this dark, broody thing.
We want Keri to believe that I’m the girl who finally broke through your crusty, scaly dragon exterior to the squishy, cuddle-monster hiding inside. That’s not going to happen if you look constipated and grouchy when we’re together.
Jake: Nothing sexier than constipation.
Shane: Sexiness is not required for this part of the process.
Jake: Too bad.
Are you still wearing that fluffy sweater?
Shane: No…
Why?
Jake: I could probably manage to smile more if you wear that sweater every time we’re together. It was so fucking soft.
I never wanted to stop touching it.
Shane: Well…good.
I have the same one in light blue. I’ll wear it tomorrow.
Maybe it will help you come out of your shell.
But in case we run into trouble, I’ve taken the liberty of arranging for the public portion of our orientation to be only semi-public, and attended by people I know we can trust not to talk.
If we can’t pull off crazy-in-love on our first try, we don’t want the paparazzi getting any pictures of our practice sessions.
Jake: Good luck with that. Those fuckers are everywhere. Especially now.
But I’m not worried about awkward. I think we’ll work well together.
Worst-case scenario, I could just kiss you the entire time.
Seems like we’re pretty good at that.
Shane: I don’t think we should resort to kissing for two hours. We’re supposed to be in love, not acting like horny teenagers sucking face in the park.
Jake: Disgusting description, Willoughby. Let’s go back to constipation.
Shane: Ha. Ha.
Seriously, though, I’ve got a safe space ready for us.
A good friend at the Met owes me a favor. Meet me on the roof of the museum tomorrow at six p.m. Bring your paperwork and we can go through the rest of the questionnaire in person. Texting is good, but I’m exhausted. I’m one of those up-at-five-a.m. people who runs out of steam after ten.
Jake: I’m not much of a night owl, either.
I’ll let you go, but let’s talk number eight first.
Shane: Phobias? Yes, lets.
That’s something I should definitely know about.
Jake: I don’t have any real phobias, but I am a very private person, and not just because I prefer to keep my personal matters personal. It’s my family.
Growing up, everyone in my neighborhood had something to say about the Falcones—ugly stories that most of the time weren’t even true, but they still ripped apart the people I care about.
But it’s not like that anymore.
Now, people treat my mom and brothers with respect. I don’t want to do anything to change that. So whatever we do in public, I want to make sure it’s nothing that will embarrass the people who mean the most to me.
Shane: Of course. We’ll keep it classy. I promise.
But what you said does make me wonder…
Jake: Wonder what?
Shane: How did a sweet man like you end up with a nickname like “the Dragon?”
Jake: Because I set the ice on fire, baby.
Shane: *fire emoji* *snow emoji* Of course. I should have known.
Jake: And I’m not a sweet man, Shane.
When it comes to protecting what’s mine, I’m ruthless. I will do whatever it takes to get Keri out of my life and this scandal out of the headlines.
So I don’t want you to pull any punches, either. Okay?
Shane: Okay.
Good night, dragon.
Jake: Good night, kitten. (That’s what that sweater was made of, right? Kittens?)
Shane: Alpaca.
Jake: Gesundheit.
Shane: *smiley face emoji* See you tomorrow. Six sharp.
Jake: On the dot.