CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
From the texts of Shane Willoughby
and Adeline “Addie” Klein
Shane: Where did you go, crazy squirrel?
One second you were next to me, and the next you’d vanished into thin air.
Addie: Sorry! I remembered I had a…thing.
Shane: A thing. What kind of thing?
Addie: A thing that was important.
An important thing.
That I had to do right away.
Shane: Has anyone ever told you that you’re an adorably bad liar?
Addie: Ugh…yes.
Bad anyway. Not adorably bad.
Sorry.
Shane: It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me what’s up if you don’t want to.
I just wanted to make sure you were okay.
You okay?
Addie: Yes. No.
I don’t know! Ugh!
Shane: Two ughs in two texts. This sounds serious.
Want to talk about it?
Addie: It’s Nate. That guy Aidan was talking to.
Shane: Yeah, he’s the new guy at MBC, taking over for Bash in the field.
Addie: I didn’t know that.
But I, um… I sort of know him.
Or KNEW him, a long time ago.
We went to high school together.
Shane: Okay…
So was he nice in high school? If not, I’m sure Bash would like to know about it. He likes to hire good people.
Addie: Yes, he was nice.
Well, not nice, but not mean…exactly.
Shane: Hmm. Not the response I wanted to hear.
Should I tell Bash to let him go?
Addie: No! Don’t do that.
I’m sure Nate will be a great interventionist.
He’s really good at pretending to feel things he doesn’t actually feel.
Shane: Oooo, that sounds ugly, babes.
What did he do? Tell me. I promise I won’t tell Bash if you don’t want me to.
Addie: It’s nothing really.
I mean, in the scheme of things. Of life.
I thought I’d gotten over all of it years ago, but then I saw his face and I just…froze and all of those terrible, high school nerd who’s never going to have a boyfriend feelings came rushing back.
So I ran. Like a big loser who is STILL a nerd, and will probably die a slave to Eloise’s whims, and never have a boyfriend or a family or enough time off to go get a pedicure or her stupid eyes checked.
Shane: Aw, poor pumpkin. You need some love!
Why don’t you come up for a visit and girl talk? I can get you tea and cookies and sit on the far side of the couch while you vent.
Addie: Why the far side?
Do I smell bad, too?
In addition to being the losingest loser ever? *sob*
Shane: No, you don’t smell! And you are NOT a loser. Stop that!
I just got sick again on the way home from the park, that’s all.
I think I might have a bug. It’s been going on too long to be food poisoning, and if I’m contagious, I don’t want to get you sick.
Addie: Wow. It’s been almost a week, right?
Shane: Yeah, but it’s a weird sickness. I usually have to make a run to the bathroom right before lunchtime. Then, as soon as I eat, I feel better, and I’m good for the rest of the day. It’s so strange.
Addie: Uh oh…
Shane: What? Why uh-oh?
Addie: Uh…oh…
Shane: What?! Do you think I have stomach cancer or something?
Gah, it would be just my luck to meet an amazing guy and start believing in love again and then get freaking stomach cancer!
This can’t be happening, Addie!
I don’t want stomach cancer!
Addie: Calm down, I don’t think you have stomach cancer.
I told you I have four little brothers, right?
Shane: Yes…
Addie: Well, with my littlest brother my mom always got sick right before lunch. She called it her noon-sickness, instead of morning sickness. Wasn’t sick at all the entire rest of the day.
Shane: No. No way. It can’t be that.
Addie: Well, you have been doing things that can lead to pregnancy right?
Shane: Yes, but I have an IUD.
I’m just pretending to be pregnant to get Jake’s ex to leave him alone.
I’m not really pregnant, lol.
Addie: Okay. If you say so.
Shane: I do say so! That would be crazy! Lol! I mean, I’ve only known him a couple of weeks! I don’t even know if he wants kids!
I don’t even know if I want kids, at least not right now.
Addie: You want me to go buy you a test? Or two?
My mom liked to take two, just to be sure.
Shane: NO! I don’t need a pregnancy test because I’m NOT pregnant, Addie. There is absolutely no way I could be pregnant. Seriously, this entire conversation is absurd. I probably have stomach cancer or a tapeworm or some weird virus.
Addie: All right. Well, call me later if you want. I have to go out on a grocery run. Eloise wants lemon-kissed prunes. A specific brand of lemon-kissed prunes sold only in Astoria *eye roll emoji*.
So I’ll be on the train for an hour or two, but I’ll have my phone with me if you need to talk.
Shane: And you call me if you need to talk, too.
I know you don’t want to cost someone a job, but if this Nate person is a douchebag, it will come out eventually. Better for Bash to learn now and get rid of him before he can do any damage to the company.
Think on that, okay?
Addie: I don’t need to. I’m not going to change my mind.
Nate is a good guy.
It’s not his fault that I told him I was cool with spending the summer before we left for college having wild, crazy, casual sex and then going our separate ways but ended up wanting more.
He told me up front that he wasn’t in a place to start a relationship.
Shane: Oh my…
I’m sorry, Addie. That’s hard.
But I’m glad that you had a summer of wild and crazy sex with a delicious man.
You should do that again sometime. I’ve recently been reminded how fun sexy times can be. No one should go without them for too long.
Addie: Maybe.
Shane: Definitely! Sex is the best.
Addie: Until you find out you’re accidentally pregnant…
Shane: I’m NOT pregnant. Gah. Lol.
Seriously, I’m actually laughing out loud right now because that is so absurd.
So stop fretting. I can feel you fretting through the phone.
I’m fine, just a little sick. I’m sure I’ll be back to normal soon.
Addie: Okay. Talk later.
Shane: Later, mama. Good luck on your prune hunt.
TWO HOURS LATER
Shane: Adeline.
I need you to come over.
Right now.
Maybe five minutes ago.
Adeline?
Are you there?
Addie: Yes, I’m coming out of the subway now. I just need to drop off the prunes and I’ll be right there.
Are you sick again?
Shane: No, I’m not sick.
I’m not sick at all.
I’m fucking pregnant.