chapter eleven

 

Several weeks later, I’m sitting with Keith in the office Mark secured for me at Ashmark. “We need to finish the advancing and collate the final tour book,” Keith says. Advancing, as Keith calls it, basically means double checking every single detail related to the tour to make sure everything is properly set into place. We’ve got a month until our first tour stop, and it feels like a never-ending list of things to accomplish before we go.

I glance at the checklist in front of me. “I’ve confirmed with the first eight venues, added contact names and numbers, and cross-checked arrival, load-in, sound check, and performance times for each of them. I also confirmed accommodations for the first eight cities. Confirmation numbers are listed on the itinerary for each city.”

Keith glances at me with a look of appreciation. “Well done, Mr. Fox.”

I lift a shoulder from the seat across from him behind a desk that’s mine even though the office belongs to my brother. He decided I needed a more permanent setup for discussing tour details behind closed doors once I agreed to split managing duties with Keith, and it helps to have a quiet space for the analytics part of my job as well. “I learned from the best,” I say.

He holds his hands up as if to tell me to stop with the compliments. “I’ve been doing this a lot of years, and it’s hard to hand it off to someone else, no matter how temporary it might be.”

“You can have it back when you’re ready.” I tap the rubber eraser of the pencil I’m holding on the table in front of me. “I never knew how much work went into managing a tour before it even got off the ground.”

“Even more behind the scenes stuff I haven’t talked about yet,” he says. “Let’s focus ahead. We’ve got thirteen more to confirm. I’ve got the crew booked out and contracts signed. Buses are ready to go. Mark said they’re working on last minute rider details and I’ll have you shoot those off to the venues as soon as we have them.”

“I’ll get to work on the final thirteen venues today. I should have it done by the end of the week.”

Keith nods. “Perfect. Thanks for taking this on.”

I press my lips together in a non-smile. “It’s a welcome change of focus for me.”

“For me, too. My life at home is all which diapers are the best and look at this cute onesie, let’s get two.”

I chuckle as he mimics his wife out of love. “Pampers,” I say.

He shoots me a confused look.

“Pampers are the best. They’re the ones Mark and Reese use for Ashton, and if I know those two, I know they’ll only get the very best.” I actually don’t personally know if they’re the best since I’ve not had the pleasure of changing a diaper even once in my life—and I have no desire to—but I offer the nugget of information anyway.

He chuckles and stands. “Can’t argue there. I’ll tell Molly about the Pampers, then.”

“Same time next week?” I ask as he approaches the door.

“Yeah. Will you be at practice this week?”

I glace at my computer screen filled with a million tiny details I need to take care of. It’s like I’m suddenly working two full time jobs—perfect for getting my mind off of the ache of missing someone you never really had, I guess. But it’s exhausting, too. I’ve already promised myself some time off after the tour wraps. It’ll be just in time for Christmas...which is sort of meaningless, just like everything these days. I’ll probably go home to Chicago for a few days to celebrate with my family unless they fly out here to be at Mark’s place for Ashton’s first Christmas. It’s those sorts of personal details that are getting pushed to the backburner in favor of Ashmark web analytics combined with learning the basics of accounting, budgeting, and scheduling a huge band’s tour.

I work and work and work because it’s the thing that saves me from myself. It’s an endless cycle of monotony. I’m living to work right now, not working to live, and at the end of the day, I congratulate myself on trudging through another one before it all starts again the next morning.

I went out seeking to make my own life, as Mark so eloquently put it, and I failed.

I don’t know how long I can go on doing this to myself, but I keep thinking I can do it for just another few days. After next week, I’ll try again. But when next week comes, I push it off one more week. I tried and failed, and I’m not ready to get back up on the horse.

I finally shrug at Keith before he walks out the door. “I’m not sure. I’ve got a bunch to take care of and now thirteen more venues to confirm.”

He shoots me a wry smile as he opens the door. “It’ll all get done. It always does.”

“Have a great day, Keith.”

He nods and heads out the door, and Jami, the receptionist, appears in my doorway. “There’s someone here to see you,” she says. She steps out of the way and my doorway is filled with a gorgeous woman who I once loved beyond all measure. She’s wearing a short, black dress, and she still has the body and the face of a commercial model. I know she’s bartending now, and I wonder if she’s still modeling.

I want to just look upon my former girlfriend with all the pent-up anger and frustration I’ve felt for more than three years, but I can’t help wondering what she’s up to.

“I don’t have time for this, Kendra,” I say. I shuffle some papers around on my desk to appear busy.

“I’ll only take a minute. Promise.” She snags her bottom lip between her teeth the way she used to when we were together in a look that used to get her whatever she wanted.

I blow out a breath, and she closes the door then slides into the seat Keith just vacated. She drops her purse on the edge of my desk, and I immediately cover some of the more sensitive paperwork in front of me to hide it from her view.

“What do you want?” I ask as I narrow my eyes at her.

“I can’t stop thinking about you.” She lowers her voice when she says the words, but they still deliver a blow I wasn’t expecting. “I loved you, Brian. I still do. And you walked away from me. You didn’t even give me a chance to explain.”

“Wasn’t much to explain when I found you naked in my brother’s bed.” I give her my best unaffected tone, but it still hurts even after so much time has passed.

“I thought it was your room. I was drunk and didn’t realize...”

She forgets I used to know her better than anyone. I can sniff out her lies from a mile away.

“It’s been three years, and just now you’re claiming it wasn’t your fault? Don’t you think that little lie might’ve held up better had you tried to feed it to me at the time of the offense?”

“I did try. I tried to explain.”

“No, Kendra,” I say sharply. “You didn’t. You meant everything to me, and you gave it all up. For what? Did you think he was going to give up his entire life for you? A gold-digging, lying, cheating star fucker?”

Her eyes harden, but I can tell she’s not exactly offended by my words. Not in the way she should be, and my guess is because she knows I’m telling the truth. “Someone grew a pair of balls,” she says snidely.

I shake my head in disgust. “I can’t believe I used to love you. I can’t believe I bought you a goddamn ring and planned to ask you to spend your life with me.”

Her hard eyes soften as she thinks that over. She could’ve been sister-in-law to Mark Ashton, sitting across the table from him at the holidays, drawing his name in the family gift exchange, making his favorite potato casserole as part of his family. Instead, she fucked it all up by getting too greedy and tricking him into bedding her. “You wanted to marry me?”

I raise both brows. “Yeah. How’s that for fucked up? I wanted to marry you, and you were only with me because you wanted to end up with my brother. Do you have any idea how much you completely killed me? I’m not the same man I was back then.”

“No, I can see that.” She presses her lips together and stands up. She places both palms on my desk and leans forward to give me a cheap shot right down her dress. She’s not wearing a bra, and her perky nipples graze the black fabric.

My traitorous dick stirs to life again. I haven’t palmed a woman’s breasts or tasted her sweet skin for far too long. It’s doing things to my brain, and I have a feeling I’m going to make the wrong decision with this temptation dangled right in front of my face.

It’s inevitable.

“I like this new Brian. You’re strong and mean. Aggressive. You know what you want, and I’m sure you’ll stop at nothing to get it. You used to be ambitious, but you were never like this.” Her eyes light up as she talks, like she’s getting more turned on with every new attribute she characterizes me with.

“You’re right. You hardened me.”

She glances down at my lap, currently hidden under my desk. Her lip curls as her gaze lifts back up to mine. “Hard, huh?”

I shake my head. “That’s not where this is going.”

“I’d like to see you try to stop it.” She straightens and steps around my desk so she’s squaring off beside me. I swivel in my chair to face her. “You never could resist me.”

“A lot has changed, Kendra.”

She shakes her head with confidence. “It doesn’t matter.”

“You don’t know the first goddamn thing about me,” I say, because it’s true. I’m a completely different man than I was with her. I’m not just scorned; I’m bitter. I’m not just frustrated; I’m aggressive. I don’t just hate her...even if I’m starting to see the benefit of a quick hate fuck. “Not anymore.”

She reaches down toward my dick that’s straining against my zipper, but I stop her by fisting her wrist before she reaches her goal.

It’s hard to believe this woman used to turn me on. Now she just turns my stomach.

The old Brian would’ve hate fucked her anyway, but I’m not that man anymore. Instead of going down an old road that’ll only open old wounds of the past, I decide to take the high road.

I drop her wrist and back away from her. “I have a lot of work to do. I need you to go.”

She stares at me for a long moment, and then she shakes her head. “You’re right, Brian. You used to be a good guy. Now you’re just an asshole.”

She storms out of my office, and I can’t help but think she’s got it wrong. I used to be an asshole, but I’m working on being a good guy.