“Hey darlin’ can I get another old fashioned?”

I nodded at the man who thought I was his darlin’. The fact that I was still standing, walking, and talking, was a miracle. But my miraculous ability to continue my normal life after breaking up with Cole had somehow also robbed me of my ordinary reactions. I made the drink with practiced hands and barely a thought in my head. I felt like a robot, or a sleepwalker.

“Thanks sweetheart,” the guy said when I slid his drink across the bar to him.

I nodded again, mute.

“Smile, sweetheart,” he told me. His tone was petulant. “A pretty girl like you shouldn’t frown.”

I forced myself to smile at him, drawing my lips away from my teeth with effort, and then immediately turned away. It probably looked more like a sneer than a smile, but only because I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t have the heart to tell him off. I didn’t have a heart at all these days. I found something to busy myself with and tried not to think.

The days had been sliding by around me, turning into lonely, long nights. Most of those nights I dreamed about Cole, and it was only then, in dreams, when I felt like I was real. Then I’d wake up and go through my waking life in a haze. I’d gone through this before and my response had been to internalize my pain and go wild. This time I was smarter. This time, at least, I was numb.

“Hey Kate,” Ward asked a bit later, approaching in my peripheral vision with a frown on his face. “When you get a second, I need your help on the payroll.” He had a handful of rumpled papers in one hand and a calculator in the other.

In anticipation of finally, finally doing something other than working at the Lone Star Lounge, I’d been working to get Ward up to speed on some of the business processes at the bar. Of course, I didn’t say that to Ward. Not yet. Instead, I told him that I was sick of it and he had to do it.

“You’ve only been at it for fifteen minutes.”

“I need help.”

“So Google it.”

“Come on Kate.” He made puppy dog eyes at me. That might work on Emma, but it would never, ever work on me. Especially these days.

“What would you do if I got hit by a bus?” I asked, arching an eyebrow at him. Even through my heartbroken haze, I could scrape together enough feeling to be annoyed at my brother. “You’d be totally unable to pay Willie.”

Willie, who was next to me at the bar, looked over in mock horror. “We can’t have that,” he chimed in.

“Yeah but Willie knows how to do payroll,” Ward argued. “If you know, and Willie knows, why do I need to know? You can both just cover for each other.”

“Oh I dunno, maybe because you own this place?” I countered. “What if both me and Willie got hit by a bus?”

“I’d probably just shut down.” Ward’s face was unexpectedly serious. He had taken the joking suggestion literally. I bit back a comment. Ward might be annoying sometimes, and he might be helpless when it came to payroll, but he loved me.

But this was also exactly why I was worried. Ward relied too much on me. Surprisingly, it was Willie who answered Ward,

“You had better not,” he told my brother. His voice was chiding, and he looked unimpressed. “I sold you this place specifically, so you would keep it open. You’d be breaking your word to me if you closed it. I’d have to rise from the grave and come haunt you until you reopened.”

Ward and Willie exchanged a significant glance, and whatever passed between them was beyond words. Ward nodded after a moment and Willie glanced away, seemingly satisfied. Whatever that had been about, Willie had obviously won.

“Then we’re good,” Ward said to me a second later. “Ghost Willie can do payroll if you both die.” He shrugged.

I sighed. “Come on,” I told him, rounding the bar and heading towards the office. “Let’s go take a look at it. I’ll walk you through everything again.”

Late that evening, when the bar had gotten quiet just before closing, I caught Lucas and Ward talking in the corner. They fell silent when I came close, and I instantly knew they were talking about either Cole or me. I cringed but curiosity got the best of me, as always.

“What is it?” I reluctantly asked. “What are you two talking about that you don’t want me to hear?” I pulled up a chair and sat down with them, waiting on the answer.

Lucas looked at Ward, who was staring resolutely at the ground, and then at me. I saw indecision flit across his face before he decided to answer. “Cole’s not doing so great these past few days,” he told me. His voice was uncharacteristically soft. “I think he misses you.” After a moment, Ward nodded. He wasn’t looking at me, and his face was blank, but I could tell he was listening carefully.

Cole misses you.

Cole loves you. Deep down, you know he does.

My heart throbbed in my chest, telling me lies just like Lucas was. I shook my head to clear it from the surge of memories and thoughts. The numbness descended again, cool and cleansing. Once again, I felt remote and distant, like I was watching a movie of myself.

“He’ll get over it,” I told Lucas. My voice was totally unemotional. “Cole’s a great guy. I’m sure he’ll find someone new soon.”

It should have hurt to say those words, but it didn’t. I wasn’t feeling a thing. If I didn’t let anything around me be real, I didn’t have to imagine him in another woman’s life. Or her arms. Or her bed. Hysteria rose again, along with bile in my throat. I took a deep breath and pushed the images down and the jealously away.

Don’t melt down, I ordered myself. Breathe. Keep it together.

“I don’t think he wants someone new.” It wasn’t like Lucas to talk about feelings—his or anyone else’s—so I should have been shocked. Yet in the moment, I couldn’t muster the appropriate disbelief or grasp its significance.

“Are we still talking about Cole? Or is this about you and Victoria?” I asked the question to distract him. As usual, mention of Victoria did the trick. His eyes filled with the same helpless emptiness I saw in my own every morning in the mirror. The fact that he’d been dealing with this emptiness for months penetrated my haze enough to make me feel a bit guilty. “Sorry Lucas,” I told him. “I’m just not up to talking about this right now.”

Lucas shrugged. Like me, he’d gotten good at wearing a mask that made him appear like a normal, functioning person. It was only now that I was broken that I saw it for what it was. Lucas was still suffering over Victoria all this time later. He hadn’t recovered at all. I could only hope I would heal faster from Cole than he had from Victoria. I wasn’t sure how long I could keep this act up.