I wanted to sulk in the office for a few minutes, but Emma wasn’t going to let me. She knocked almost instantly after I shut the door and swung it open before I could even answer. She walked in like she owned the place, which of course she nearly did. I blinked at her, feeling both conflicted and cornered.

“You’re mad at me,” she asserted, flopping down in the chair in front of me and not giving me a chance to cool off. “Why are you mad at me? Is it really because I said ok to the Christmas lights for that party?”

Her voice was concerned and frightened, and I frowned more in annoyance than anger. I sighed as my irritation drained out me at the sight of her expression. I couldn’t stay mad at her. “I’m not really mad at you,” I replied after a moment of playing uselessly with the papers in front of me. I shoved them away across the desk and met Emma’s big, green eyes. “Not really. I’m just being an insecure jerk.”

She cocked her head to the side like confused, blonde puppy. “Insecure?”

I nodded in defeat. “Yeah. Insecure. I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels. My whole life is just stuck on repeat. I’m not going anywhere. Especially compared to Cole, Ward, Lucas, and you. All of you have your careers figured out, except me. I’m afraid I’m going to get left behind while you all become real adults. I’ll probably be managing this bar for the rest of my life.”

Emma’s wide eyes got even wider. “I can only speak for myself, but I definitely don’t have my career figured out! Teaching is much harder than I expected it to be. I like it, but it’s hard. I’m not sure I’m cut out for it long term. Every day in the classroom is still really, really challenging.”

I sighed. “That’s not what I meant. I… I know it’s not all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows for anyone. But at least you have a trajectory. An end goal. You may not have a perfect plan, but you have a plan. You at least sort-of know what you want. I’m just drifting aimlessly through my twenties like plankton.”

“You know what you want. You have a goal. You have a plan. You’ve been talking about opening a boutique since we were in college. Doesn’t that count for something?”

I swallowed uncomfortably. “But I’m not any closer to doing it than I was back then.” My voice was small, and I felt vulnerable and weak. It wasn’t something I was used to feeling, and I didn’t like it at all. Seeing Cole, just seeing him sitting in the bar next to Ward, made my stress level go up to level one billion. I wanted him more than I wanted anything in my life, and it was amplifying all my other worries.

“That’s not even true. You’ve been diligently saving up money for years,” Emma argued.

“Sure. And in approximately forty years I’ll have enough.” My voice was bitter. More bitter than I expected, actually. I’d never really been concerned about money much until recently. My bank account was healthy enough to support me, which used to feel like it was all I ever wanted, but it wasn’t enough to finance my goal. I was safe—which given my background, I knew was still an achievement—but I wasn’t exactly rolling in the dough.

I knew that if I asked Ward for money, he would probably give it to me. Or find a way to give it to me. But I couldn’t—didn’t dare—ask for him to do that. There were no guarantees in business, and certainly not in retail. I would not be able to forgive myself it I crashed and burned on someone else’s dollar. Better that I wreck my own finances.

“You could sell your condo,” she replied confidently. “You should have a lot of equity in it by now. You’ve done a lot of improvements over the years.”

She was right, of course. That had been my entire plan all along. I bought the condo with the intention that I would fix it up and flip it, and then use the money to start my boutique. Based on my current calculations, I would have nearly enough if I sold it for top dollar. Austin’s real estate market had gone completely nuts in recent years. My condo would probably sell in just a couple of days. But then I would have nowhere to live.

“I love my condo,” I admitted. “And it’s scary to spend all that money.”

Emma nodded understandingly. “I’d be extremely scared too,” she told me, “but being scared isn’t the same as being aimless. No one has it all figured out. Least of all me.”

My sigh was embarrassed. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just hard. Being around Cole and seeing his dealership thing come together. Lucas is too smart to ever fail at anything. Ward has his bar. You have your PhD and your teaching. I feel like everyone else gets to have their dreams come true but me.”

“Does that mean your date with Cole didn’t go well?” Emma asked gently. Her voice made me suspect that this is what she’d wanted to talk about the entire time we’d been discussing other topics. This is what she thought I was really upset about. And she was right.

I shook my head. “I don’t think I want to talk about it.” In reality, I did want to talk about it. I wanted to talk about it so badly that it was driving me crazy, but I couldn’t. I was just too much of a coward. “I don’t think it’s gonna’ work out.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” I lied, “I’m sure. I just need some time to process things.”

Emma wasn’t used to me keeping things from her. Usually we shared all the gory details of our dates (although the fact that she was about to be married to my brother meant that she thankfully didn’t share everything anymore). I could tell she wanted to ask questions, and I knew if she did, I wouldn’t be able to lie to her. But after a moment she nodded, and I saw the moment where she decided to be respectful of my request. I almost wished that she hadn’t been. It was becoming harder and harder for me to avoid screaming from the rooftops that Cole Rylander wanted me. But even though I was over the moon that he wanted me, I wasn’t sure that I could trust that it would last. After all, I’d been burned before.

Better for me to put the brakes on this flirty non-relationship while I still could. If I didn’t, my heart was going to get crushed to smithereens. Cole and I were just not to be.

“Ok, well if you change your mind, I’m here,” Emma said eventually. We stared at one another for a long second before she rose and left. Once she was gone, I put my head down on the desk and closed my eyes. I felt like I was in freefall.

How had everything in my life spun so suddenly out of control? I needed to protect myself before it was too late.