Naomi
Present Day
I WAS SITTING on my sofa, poring over my new commission paperwork when Monica rushed through my front door with a drug store bag in hand. The girl hadn’t even knocked, but then again, she never did. Friends like Monica didn’t really understand things like boundaries, closed doors, or personal space.
Which pretty much summed up why she was here today.
“I got it,” she announced, holding the bag out in front of her. “Well, actually, I got three. We’re gonna know for sure, once and for all.”
I didn’t want to know at all. At least, not yet. Not until I had no other choice but to admit it. Ignorance was a boundary I’d built to protect myself but like all my other boundaries, Monica was determined to trample it. Good friend that she was, she refused to rest until all my defenses were nothing more than a pile of rubble. My chest felt so tight I could barely breathe. Trying to remain calm while my insides churned, I turned another page, pretending to read. “I’ve been thinking about it, and we should probably hold off for a little while.”
Monica’s expression fell. “Hold off? You’re talkin’ crazy right now. Why the hell would we hold off?”
“I feel fine now, so it was probably just the flu that’s been going around.”
She propped her free hand on her hip and stared me down. “What flu? There’s no flu going around, Nae.”
And yet, I’d stopped our past three morning runs so I could heave my guts up on the side of the road. Monica was worried that my new daily ritual could be morning sickness. I hadn’t touched alcohol since my brother’s wedding because deep down I knew she was right. I also hadn’t admitted the other signs she didn’t know about, like the tenderness in my breasts, the mood swings, and weird late-night cravings for things like pickled beets with cream cheese and black olives stuffed with peanut butter. Either I was pregnant or crazy.
“You don’t know that,” I fired back, unwilling to go down without a fight.
She cocked her head to the side and studied me. “You have lost your mind if you think I’m gonna walk out that door and pretend like this isn’t happening. Do I really need to call the hospital and ask if the flu’s going around before you pee on these tests?”
I thought about it. Calling around to the hospitals couldn’t hurt.
She shook the bag. “Take the damn tests, Nae.”
It had been a lot easier to avoid this problem before Monica had returned from her latest deployment. If she knew how many mornings in a row I’d spent hovered over the toilet, she’d be far more insistent. Which was terrifying, considering the angry-eyed glare she was giving me now. Huffing out a breath, trying to pretend I was annoyed rather than worried, I set the paperwork down on the coffee table and stood.
“This is silly.” It was a last-ditch effort, but I had to try. “It hasn’t even been long enough. The tests probably aren’t even accurate.”
“It’s been months since you last went home. Unless you’re shacking up with someone local and not telling me about it—which would be terms for murder by the way—your placenta has had plenty of time to produce hCG which is what these little tests measure.”
“Assuming I have a placenta,” I replied.
She thrust the bag into my hand. “You’re stalling.”
Damn right I was stalling. Peeing on a few sticks seemed all nice and easy until you considered the consequences. “Best out of three, huh? What happens if the results are mixed?” I asked.
“Still stalling.”
I wanted to argue, but she wasn’t wrong, and there was no way she was going to let me get out of this. Even if she did, I’d have to take the tests eventually. Might as well get it over with. I carried the bag into the bathroom, pulled out the three tests, and read the instructions for each. Pee on sticks, wait between three to five minutes, then booyah, I’d find out if I was pregnant. How could something so simple have the potential to complicate the hell out of my life?
“You okay in there?” Monica asked, tapping on the bathroom door.
The woman was relentless. “Almost done. Quit hovering.”
“I’m not hovering, I’m providing emotional support and motivation for you to stop being such a little bitch and pee on the damn sticks.”
Right. Sure. Bossy, pain-in-my-ass support was more like it. I was being kind of a little bitch, though. Stalling wasn’t normally my MO, but I’d sure taken my sweet time with this. It had been nine weeks since Link’s wedding. By now, assuming I was pregnant, the baby would be the size of a cherry, and was now classified as a fetus rather than an embryo. Yeah, I’d done my research. Being in denial didn’t keep me from wanting to know what was happening inside my body.
Monica tapped on the door again. “I don’t hear any peeing going on in there.”
Her ear was probably pressed against the door, the sicko. “You need a new hobby!” I shouted back, sitting on the toilet to do my thing. After submerging each stupid test in my stream, I capped them all and washed my hands, trying not to check the results out of the corner of my eye.
Sometimes having excellent peripheral vision is a double-edged sword.
When I opened the door, Monica almost face-planted at my feet. She did a quick bit of footwork that paid serious tribute to her old cheerleading days and shuffled to the side. “Well?” she asked. “What’s the verdict.”
“Patience. We have to wait three to five minutes, depending on the test. So, let’s check them in five.” I tried to usher her out of the bathroom, but she was having none of it.
“Are lines appearing?” she asked, holding her ground.
Lines, plus signs, there was far more going on with those three little tests than I knew how to process. “We have to wait three to five minutes,” I repeated. I had three to five minutes to get my life together and figure out how I was going to tell Monica. How I was going to admit it to myself.
“Don’t give me that crap. You’re only slightly less impatient than I am. I know you already checked the results.”
It was unfortunate how well she knew me. Unable to keep the truth at bay any longer, I let out a breath, dropping my shoulders in defeat. Finally, I admitted what I’d been trying to deny for two months. “I’m pregnant, Mon.”
“Fuck! For real?” Before I could respond, she marched past me and checked for herself. “Holy shit, girl, all three are positive.”
“I’m aware.”
“Like really positive. It hasn’t even been three minutes yet.”
“Yeah, thanks for the info. You’re super helpful.”
“Didn’t he wrap it up?”
I narrowed my eyes, not wanting to have this conversation. “Yes. I’m not an idiot. There were condoms.” I specifically remembered using a condom in the closet, but when we went back to Eagle’s room…
“Why’s your face doing that?” she asked.
“Doing what?” I gave her my best innocent smile.
“He didn’t use a condom, did he?”
“Yes. Absolutely.” I winced. God, I was awful at lying. I don’t even know why I tried. “At least the first couple of times.”
“The first couple of times? What are you, rabbits? How many times did you go at it?”
“Uh… Four? Maybe five? There was a lot of whiskey involved and the details are a little fuzzy.”
“You told me you weren’t going to drink.”
“And you believed that?” I scoffed.
“No.” She crossed her arms. “Not even for a second. When’s the last time you had your period?”
Now we were getting into dangerous territory. The kind of territory peppered with landmines. One wrong step and Monica would blow. “Uh… You know I’m not always regular.”
“Yes, which is exactly why I told you to go on birth control.”
“It makes me sick. And I don’t like putting foreign crap into my body.”
“Well, now you have a baby growing in your body, and that sounds pretty foreign to me. And don’t think I’m letting you change the subject. How long?”
“I’ve missed the past two.”
She rubbed her temples. “If I hadn’t made your ass go running with me, would you have even told me?”
“Eventually.”
“Like when? When you started showing? When you were giving birth? How can you be so courageous in the field, and such a chicken-shit when it comes to dealing with this?”
I wanted to defend myself, but she was right on the money. I’d been hoping that if I just held off long enough, Aunt Flo would come to visit. But now I knew that wasn’t a possibility. I was pregnant. With Eagle’s baby.
“Are you okay?” Monica asked. “You’re turning kind of green.”
“I think I’m gonna be sick again.”
She made a sweeping gesture at the toilet. I bolted straight for it and emptied my stomach. When I finished, I brushed my teeth and leaned against the open bathroom door.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I figured I could push it off a little longer. Get my shit in order before I broke the news and disappointed everyone.”
“I’m not disappointed,” she replied, frowning. “Irritated that you didn’t come to me the moment you suspected this insanity, but not disappointed. We both know it could just as easily be me taking those tests. My cousin, Channel, got pregnant while on birth control and using a condom. At least that’s what she told everyone. She’s kind of a ho, so I don’t know that I believe her. But back to you. What are you going to do?”
That was the million-dollar question. “I don’t know.” Turning my back on the life-altering pee-sticks, I headed into the living room, where I paced in front of the coffee table, thinking. What was I going to do? There were options like abortion and adoption, but I couldn’t in good conscience take advantage of them. That’s not how I rolled. I’d always felt like fate or God or some other higher power had a hand in the way shit went down, and that nothing happened without reason. Life had dealt me this card for a reason, and I wasn’t about to fold or exchange it. I’d play the hand until I ran out of chips.
Besides, I’d suspected it for so long I’d had time to bond with the life growing in my womb. I’d never thought about having a kid, but over the past month, while I was too freaked out to take a test and find out for sure, I’d grown accustomed to the idea. Hell, I’d even downloaded pregnancy books onto my Kindle. I almost felt relieved to find out I was pregnant, because if not, I’d been bonding with myself all this time, and that was like one step beyond cat-lady crazy.
I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I settled my hand protectively over my abdomen and voiced the one thing I was sure of. “I’m not getting rid of it.”
Monica nodded, her expression unsurprised.
My commission paperwork was still on my coffee table. I glanced down at it, and Monica followed my gaze.
“You’re halfway to retirement,” she reminded me. I’d served for ten years. Sometimes it felt like weeks. Some days it felt like centuries. “There’s a lot of support available for pregnant women nowadays. We’ll look it all up. Research. Figure out which programs you need to take advantage of. And you know I’ll help you any way I can. I mean, Auntie Monica is clearly going to have to spoil the shit out of this kid.”
Monica would be great. My team might be a little judgmental at first, but they’d get over it. There was a lot of support and several programs I could take advantage of. I picked up the commission paperwork and glanced over it, my stomach twisting in knots. I’d wanted to be a pilot for as long as I could remember, and I’d worked my ass off to get this job. Ten years was a long time.
Ten more seemed like forever.
“My mom left when I was five,” I said.
Monica watched me, her expression concerned and interested. She knew I’d grown up without my mom, but I’d never shared the details. Nobody needed to hear my sob story, and it wasn’t like I’d had a bad childhood or anything. But now, I needed her support and understanding, so I had to tell her.
“My uncle was in the Army and his unit got hit. They never found his body, and my dad thinks he was taken prisoner. It really messed with Dad’s head. He felt guilty and he used to have these nightmares…” I shook my head, not wanting to get into all that. “He had issues when he got out of the service. Mom couldn’t hang, so she left. I remember being confused about it. Dad told me that neither Uncle Wade nor Mom was ever coming home again, but they weren’t together. Link and I were kind of a handful when we were kids, so we thought we did something to drive them off. A part of me always believed they’d come back if I was good enough or if I accomplished enough. Like if I made them proud, they couldn’t possibly stay away.”
Tears stung the back of my eyes. I hadn’t cried about my mom or uncle in as long as I could remember, but pregnancy hormones were a bitch. Blinking rapidly, I kept my attention on the commission paperwork and tried not to see Monica’s softened expression in my peripheral.
“Oh honey—”
“Stop.” I cut her off. “You know I don’t want that pity bullshit. I only told you what happened because I need you to understand why I can’t stay.” Looking up from the paperwork, I finally met her gaze. “I thought I was going to die in that last op, Mon. I legitimately believed it was over. We were overrun, and if that helo hadn’t arrived when it did…” I looked away and took a moment to compose myself. “I won’t do that to a kid. I won’t put her or him through what I went through when my mom walked out. I’m playing the hand that life dealt me, but I’m changing the rules.”
I shredded the commission paperwork.
Monica stared as it fluttered to the coffee table. When the last piece landed, she cocked her head to the side and smirked up at me. “Dramatic much?”
Feeling strangely light despite the very heavy complication developing in my womb, I laughed. “Pregnancy hormones.”
“Why do I get the feeling you’re gonna be using that excuse on the regular?”
“I’m puking every morning and all my joints hurt. Soon, I need to tell my dad and brother that I got knocked up. Not to mention the baby’s dad. Then, I’ll spend the next several months getting so fat I can’t even tie my own shoes while spending a small fortune on diapers and a crib and a car seat and shit. Then, of course, there’s labor and all the fun that comes with it. Excusing my crazy because of pregnancy hormones is the one perk I get. Let me have it.”
She laughed, shaking her head. “Granted. You know, you could ask for a different job. With your qualifications and knowledge, they’ll do what they can to get you to stay on.”
I’d been thinking about what I would do since I missed my first period. Growing up at the fire station was unusual, but I’d always been surrounded by people who loved and took care of me. Here on base, the community was different. Not as tight. Revolving. Changing based on deployment schedules and leave. If I stayed, my friends would help when they could, but I’d essentially be raising this child on my own. If I went home, I’d have help all the time.
And, I’d be around family.
Longing sliced through me at the thought. Over the past couple of months, I’d been feeling pangs of homesickness. Not so much for the place, but for the people. My brother had fallen in love and gotten married, and I felt like I’d missed out on their entire blossoming relationship. Last time I’d talked to him, Link said they were trying to get pregnant, and I wanted to be there for the birth of my niece or nephew. And what about when my own kid was born? I’d want Dad and Link there for that, too.
Dad and Margo had been pretty vocal about wanting grandkids. How many times had they asked me when I planned to settle down and get married? They’d want to be actively involved with my child: family dinners, school functions, sporting events, they’d want it all.
Hell, I wanted it all.
I suddenly missed my family so bad it hurt.
Even more painful was the pull I felt toward Eagle. The way he’d held me after I told him about the ambush, the fear in his eyes when he reminded me that I’d almost lost my life. I hadn’t been prepared to deal with the emotion—the connection—I’d felt then, but I was now. And part of me was worried that he was right. That I needed to get out before it was too late. Before the next time I couldn’t get my helo airborne.
“I’ve been gone a long time,” I replied. “I’m ready to go home,”
She stared at me, no doubt reading my expression. “I see that. My God, girl, how are you gonna tell Jake and Link about the baby?”
Sure, I was worried about how my dad and brother would react, but they weren’t my main concern. “The bigger question is how am I going to tell Houston?”
“Houston?” she asked.
“Eagle,” I amended.
“His name is Houston?” She snorted. “Priceless. I know exactly how you’re gonna tell him. You’re gonna get your ass on a plane, and the minute you see him, I want you to be like… Houston, we have a fucking problem.”
Of course, she had to go there. I tried to keep a straight face, but her hopeful expression was too comical. The whole situation was suddenly ridiculous. Unable to keep myself in check any longer, I doubled over, holding my stomach as I laughed.
“I’m serious! You can’t buy a better opportunity than this. You’re a badass Air Force pilot, Nae. If you’re getting out of the service and doing the whole mom thing, you damn well better go out like an astronaut. Every pilot’s dream, right? Damn, girl. I can’t believe you got knocked up by a Houston. Where do I find me one of those?”
She was killing me. “Stop,” I begged, still laughing.
“Oh, hell no. You’re never gonna live this down. Now, come on. We’re ordering pizza for lunch because we have all kinds of shit to do. You make the call to the base and your landlord, and I’ll try to find you a flight and start getting you packed.”
Her take-charge-and-get-shit-done attitude subdued my laughter as reality hit me. I was leaving the Air Force. I was finally going home… pregnant.
“Thanks, Monie Love,” I said. “Don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I got you, boo,” she said, looking up from her cell phone long enough to flash me a reassuring smile. “We’re gonna get you through this.”
Taking a deep breath, I picked up my phone and called the base.