Chapter Thirty-One
Darla
Seeing my little girl being whisked away to surgery is more than I can handle. Her voice echoes in my mind, screaming, “Don’t leave me, Mommy. Don’t leave me.” I feel as though I’m living a nightmare in which my feet won’t move and everything is just out of my grasp. And as soon as I think I reach what I want, it’s suddenly out of my grasp again. I have never felt so helpless in all my life. The control freak in me can’t control this. Not one single thing is within my control right now.
I stand in the empty emergency room bay, all alone with my thoughts. The family-only section of the emergency room is lonely, and I don’t know where Tommy and Shelby went. I have no one. The sterile room filled with medical equipment is quiet, but I’m screaming on the inside. My mind is like a pinball machine again. I cannot land on one emotion long enough to do anything about it.
A cleaning lady slips into the deathly quiet bay. “Ma’am?”
Her voice makes me jump.
“I need to disinfect the room. Can I help you out of your gown?”
“Uh, yeah. Thanks.”
She gingerly helps me out of the gear and places everything in the hazardous waste container. “Dr. Michaels knows what he’s doing. He’ll take good care of her.”
I nod.
She pats my arm. “Let’s get you to the waiting room where the rest of your family is.”
She leads me out into the hallway where Theo is curled up against the wall. I slide down next to him and lean my head against his shoulder. He doesn’t reach out for me. We cry together in silence. His breaths are labored, and a moan escapes his lips. I have broken him. In the span of one hour, he has found out he has a daughter and that she might die. He will never be able to forgive me, not that I’m worthy of forgiveness.
“It’s my fault,” I whisper. “Everything is my fault.”
“It’s not—”
“Excuse me, Dr. Edwards?”
We gaze up to see a nurse standing over us.
Theo clears his throat. “Yes?”
“I’m Sharon, one of the ER nurses. Dr. Michaels told me you have the same blood type as Stella.”
He nods. “Stella.” He says her name as if he’s trying it on for size.
“I know you’re a diabetic, but he would really like you to donate blood for her. We need the least amount of reasons for her body to reject treatment. With you having the same blood type and being her father—”
“You can have every ounce of my blood.”
Sharon motions with her head. “Come with me. We’ll have to monitor you closely afterwards.”
“I don’t care.” He rises to his feet and holds out his hand to help me up. “I’ll meet you in the waiting room as soon as I can.”
I throw my arms around his neck. “Thank you.”
His arms hang by his side.
I step back and watch him leave with the nurse. He glances back at me once more before they round the corner.
I stumble around until I find Tommy, Shelby, and Diane sitting in the corner of the busy emergency waiting room. All three jump up when they see me enter.
Shelby wraps her arm around my shoulder. “Let’s go.”
Together, we make our way to the surgical waiting room for the longest night of my life.
I sit curled up in a chair, wrapped in Isaac’s arms. He made it to the hospital almost before Shelby could get off the phone with him. Even though he’s not the person I wish was holding me, Isaac cares for me and for Stella in a way that I need right now.
Theo has been gone for two hours. Tommy sits with his elbows resting on his thighs, head in his hands. Shelby sits between him and me, a comforting hand on each of our backs. Diane leans up against the wall, her breath hitching.
My eyes follow a little girl bouncing down the hallway. She holds her daddy’s hand and clutches a smiley face balloon in her tiny fist. I may never get the chance to give my baby another balloon. I still have the deflated one from the day she was born. It was a pink teddy bear. I kept each balloon she got for every birthday. They range from unicorns to teddy bears to super heroes. They’re among the mementos I have stashed away in Stella’s boo-hoo box. Every time I rummage through it, I boo-hoo. If I had it with me today, I would ruin every item in the box with my tsunami of tears. Stella has made my life worth living, and if I could trade places with her, I would do it in a heartbeat, without even flinching. She does not deserve to be so sick, so close to death.
“She’s going to be fine,” Isaac says, his breath catching in his throat. “She has to be fine.”
He holds me tighter. I feel his tears land on my forehead. As much as I’m hurting, it also hurts to see him so distraught. He’s always the happy one, no matter what. Not today.
He has gone beyond the call of duty when it comes to Stella. He sat through Princesses on Ice. He has watched every animated movie we own with her a thousand times, although truth be told, I think he enjoyed them as much as she did, if not more. He searched high and low for the perfect puppy for her. I’ll never forget the expression on her face when he brought that little ball of fur into the house. Stella and Yeti were fast friends. She was so happy, which made Isaac happy.
If something made her happy, Isaac was all over it, even if it meant letting her plaster makeup all over his face. I can still see her applying one color of eye shadow after another to his eyes along with eyeliner that looked as though it were applied using a fat kindergarten-style crayon. She used her artistic skills on me next. We looked like two hookers when she got finished with us. Stella was so proud.
I fish out my phone and fumble through the photos I have stored until I find one from that day. I show it to Isaac. He giggles, and tears flow down his cheeks. He giggles more and holds me tighter.
“God, what I wouldn’t give to have her do that again,” he says.
I wipe my face on my sleeve. “All that was missing was some six-inch pumps, and you’d have been ready for a nice stroll down Second Avenue.”
“Not funny,” he says, but he can’t fight the grin on his face anymore.
I wipe his tears. Without him, I would be so lost right now, especially since I scanned past the selfies Theo and I took on our birthday excursions. Isaac leans over and sees them before I can shove my phone deep into my pocket.
Diane paces the floor, chatting up a storm on her phone. Everyone in the busy room has to listen to her conversation with her husband. She fidgets with her wedding ring, and her hand works its way to her necklace. I grab her arm and force her into the chair next to me. She throws her phone in her purse and wraps her arms around me.
She squeezes me around the waist. “It’s going to be fine.”
“She’s all I have.” I choke on my words, and my breath hitches.
“You have us too, right, Isaac?” Diane asks.
“Yes, you do,” he says. “And we’ll get through this together.”
They envelop me in a burrito-style hug. I soak Diane’s blouse with tears. There’s no way I could do this without them. Shelby enters with a cardboard drink holder and four steaming-hot coffees. She shoos Isaac over so she can sit by me and show some love. Diane and Isaac grab coffee cups. Shelby holds one out to me, but I wave her off.
Jennifer, a man I assume is her husband, and a college-aged girl rush into the waiting room. I can only assume she’s the baby sister I haven’t met yet. Reverend and Mrs. Edwards follow right behind them. They huddle together, and The Reverend leads them in a prayer—a prayer for my little girl, a prayer for Theo, a prayer that probably does not include me. Not that it should. After they finish praying, they continue to stick close to one another. The youngest girl sits in Mrs. Edwards’s lap as though she’s five years old instead of college-aged. She wraps her arms around her mother’s neck. Theo’s mother kisses her baby girl on the cheek.
Jennifer’s husband hugs her. He runs a hand up and down her back. It’s such a sweet, simple gesture, but I would give anything to have someone comfort me like that right now. They share a hushed conversation. Jennifer buries her head in his chest. He strokes her hair as he continues to whisper to her. I gaze over at this classic Americana painting of the Edwards family and wish I had this loving family to cling to. I guess I never will.
I’m such a coward. I cannot even go talk to them. They appear as devastated as I feel. Their child and grandchild are hurting. It’s a double whammy. Add them to the list of people that will never forgive me.
Jennifer catches my eye from across the room. She pats her husband on the shoulder before she strolls up to me. “Can we talk?”
I know I deserve a serious tongue-lashing, but I don’t think I have the strength to defend myself right now. She does deserve to hear my side of the story, so I follow her out of the waiting room, and we head down the hallway.
“I know I owe you an explanation. I didn’t know you were his sister. All this happened so suddenly. I didn’t know what to do.”
She grabs me in a hug, and I hug her back, so thankful that she has crossed the Edwards-Battle barrier. I know I am not worthy of her compassion, but I need it so badly right now. I know it’s Stella who’s in danger, but she’s my life. When she hurts, I hurt.
“I don’t care, okay? None of that matters. Hey, don’t blame me that I’m good at putting two and two together.”
I laugh and cry at the same time. “I was so scared you’d tell him before I—”
“Not my place. There, there. None of this is your fault.”
“Yes, it is. I let her go against my better judgment. I knew I should have kept her with me.” My words come out all choppy between my short breaths. “As long as she’s with me, she’s fine.”
I’ve always kept Stella close. Ever since I came to the conclusion that I was going to raise her on my own, I’ve had to be two parents. I had to be the good cop and the bad cop, and the only way I knew how to do that was to keep as close an eye on her as humanly possible at all times. The first day of kindergarten was agonizing. Giving up control to let her do a simple rite of passage like starting school was hard enough. I’m still shocked I let her go across the country with Diane. That didn’t end well.
“It was a freak accident,” Jennifer says. “It could have happened anywhere. And it doesn’t matter now. Trust the doctors. Trust God.”
“I’m trying,” I say through another round of tears.
She hugs me again like a sister would. “Where’s that crazy brother of mine?”
“He went to donate blood, but it’s been a while. I hope he’s okay.”
She takes a step backward. “He shouldn’t be giving blood.” She frowns. “But I guess I would too if it were my child.”
“When the dust settles, if the dust settles, he’s going to hate me.”
She wipes another tear from my cheek. “One day at a time, Darla. Let’s get through tonight.”
Theo enters the room, as pale as a ghost, holding a bottle of orange juice.
Jennifer grabs him in a hug. “How much did they take?”
“Only a pint. I tried to get them to take more, but they wouldn’t.”
She slides his hair off his forehead. “Did they check your sugar?”
He rolls his eyes. “Yes, Mother. That’s what took so long. It tanked, and my heart rate was off the charts. The bloodletting along with the stress is making it hard to regulate.”
In my tunnel vision over Stella, I forgot about Theo’s health.
“But I’m okay now.” He looks at me for the first time. “Any news?”
I shake my head. “Nothing yet. Thank you, Theo.”
He takes another gulp of his orange juice. “Dad and Tommy have B positive blood too. If the doctors need more, I’m sure they will be willing to help out.”
I lean in to hug him, but he backs up and puts his hands out defensively. He juts his chin up and stiffens his spine. “I can’t do this right now. I don’t want to talk to you.”
I guess I should have expected this reaction, but it still stings. Even though I didn’t plan for the truth to come out like this, I guess I naively assumed it might bring us together.
“Theo,” Jennifer says.
He stares at her. “You knew. You knew, and you didn’t tell me.” He sneers at me. Through his clenched jaw, he says, “I only want to be in the same room with you when we’re discussing Stella’s care plan. You got it?”
I bite my lip to keep it from quivering. “Got it.”
He storms away toward the waiting room. Jennifer puts her arm around him, but he snatches it away. I give them a head start back into the waiting room before I slip back into my seat next to Isaac.
“Focus on Stella,” Isaac says. “Focus.”
Theo finds a place to sit next to his mother. His little sister moves from their mother’s lap. She sits next to him and holds his hand. His mother wraps her arms around him, and he crumbles in to her. From across the room, I see his entire body tremble from exhaustion, from stress, from such deep sorrow. His little sister rests her head on his shoulder and strokes his hand.
“Focus,” I reply to Isaac.