TWELVE

 

It was time to prove a point. Before Brad let himself fall any more for Aaron than he already had, he had to make one more effort to scare him off. After all, what did Aaron really know about him? Brad couldn’t help but think that if Aaron really knew him, he wouldn’t be nearly as interested in being around him.

Which meant opening himself up more, and taking a risk, but the truth was that Brad was starting to think that Aaron was worth that risk. Sure, it probably wouldn’t pan out, and Brad wasn’t under any illusions about that, but if it did, he was getting the feeling that that might just be the best thing to ever happen to him in his life.

So he sat outside of Aaron’s apartment building, just staring at the front door. This was a secret vice, a hobby that he indulged by himself usually, and he was opening himself up to some pretty serious scorn and ridicule for it.

Not something that he was used to doing, not by a long shot, and he tried to breathe around the clawing, clenching ache in the very pit of his stomach, one which made him feel a little bit like he might throw up. Had he really closed himself off this much, that something as simple as a date could make him so freaked out?

That was ridiculous, wasn’t it? It was just a date, nothing to be scared about. He was too logical to get this worried, and he, through sheer force of that logic, forced himself out of the car and into the worn down apartment building.

It had definitely seen better days. Was Aaron that poorly off financially? Lester’s actions had hit them hard, but still, this seemed excessive. The carpets were worn almost down to the wooden floors beneath, the walls had probably once been white, or maybe a light beige, but were now a dull, flat, gray with the accumulation of years and years of grime. Brad saw more than one broken lightbulb, and the elevator had a sign on it proclaiming that it was out of order which was so old that the paper was yellowed and creased.

Finally, he stood outside of Aaron’s door, and he raised his hand before he could let himself think about it more, or, more accurately, feel about it. Thinking was safe, he could do that, but feeling? That was a whole other story.

And then Aaron opened the door, just as beautiful as he always was, that brilliant red hair hanging into his face, a small smile of greeting on his lips that Brad knew very well the restrained young man didn’t give to most people.

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going yet?” Aaron demanded, instead of saying hello. Brad couldn’t help the chuckle which rose up in him, born as much of nerves as it was of genuine amusement.

“No. It’s a surprise,” Brad told him and then wished that he hadn’t. He was building the whole thing up more than he really should be, and Aaron was going to end up more disappointed than ever once he found out.

Unfortunately, though, Aaron just accepted that. If he had pressed more, then Brad probably would have cracked and just told him. Instead, he put his arm lightly around the younger man, hand resting on the small of his back, pulling him close for a moment as he tugged him out his front door.

Of course, as soon as he was out, Brad had to drop his arm. This relationship, if that’s what it was, was supposed to be secret, and he couldn’t afford to have it be otherwise. Besides, Aaron probably didn’t want to be associated with someone like Brad. It was really better for both of them.

What would it be like, he wondered, to be bold enough, open enough, just to take Aaron’s hand? But that wasn’t at all his style, and he softly sighed as he walked back the way he’d come.

There was no idle chatter. Most people dealt with Brad’s quietness by trying to fill up the silence, but one of the best things about Aaron was how he didn’t do that. He was just as content to be quiet, to let the conversation mean something, as Brad was.

The trip over didn’t take long. There weren’t a lot of drive-in movie theaters around anymore, but there were still a few, and as they drove, Brad let his hand find Aaron’s, to squeeze it gently. Aaron returned the pressure, which was remarkable enough, but then he actually slipped his fingers through Brad’s in an intimate handclasp.

Even like this, they seemed to fit together, Aaron’s fingers interlaced through Brad’s in a way that was completely natural. It seemed like most things about them were like that, and Brad had to wonder if Aaron felt it, too, if he knew how utterly disarming it was.

“A movie?” Aaron’s voice was so hard to read sometimes, and Brad glanced briefly over to him as he paid for their tickets and drove on in to park. There weren’t many people here, so they pretty much had their pick of spots. “What are we seeing?”

Not only was that voice almost impossible for Brad to decipher, but when he looked over at the younger man, he saw that his face was blank in the darkness, too. He seemed genuinely curious, but other than that, Brad couldn’t tell anything.

“There’s a Marilyn Monroe double feature tonight,” he admitted, forcing himself to look directly into Aaron’s eyes, bracing himself for the scorn that he was positive was about to be leveled his way. “Usually they just do big budget movies here, but I wanted something classic.”

Brad waited, almost not breathing, but Aaron shot him a rare, real smile, then nodded and reached for the handle of the door.

“I’ll get some popcorn,” he said, and then he was gone, and Brad was left with feelings that were somehow even more confusing than they had been before. He had been so ready to be mocked, so ready to bring a disgusted, uninterested Aaron home, and instead, he got casual, easy acceptance.

It was damn well near intoxicating, and Brad smiled a bit as he climbed out of the car, too, perching on the hood, settling down to wait for Aaron to come back and for the movies to start.

 

* * *

 

It wasn’t hard to think that he was back in the fifties again. Not that he had been alive in the fifties, but he had some ideas, mostly from the old movies that he loved so much, what it had been like back then. It was really sort of magical, the first experience that he had ever had with dating where it felt like he had always somehow instinctively expected that it should feel.

The lot wasn’t busy, and the people there weren’t paying any attention to them at all, so Brad could drape his arm around Aaron’s shoulders and hug him close. Aaron even rested his bright head against Brad’s chest, making him feel powerful, vital, deeply protective, and something very close to devotion.

When the movies were both over, Brad looked down at the man in his arms, and he kissed him. Right there on the hood of the car, he just lowered his head, and it was the most natural thing in the world for their lips to meet.

“You weren’t right,” Aaron murmured, when the kiss, complicated and deep and about far more than just sex, ended.

“I wasn’t?” Brad echoed, feeling a little bit stupid, because he had no idea what Aaron was talking about.

“No.” Aaron reached up, his fingers tracing over the shapes of Brad’s face, rasping slightly over the slight bit of stubble on his jaw. “You said you would be boring to date. I beg to differ.”

And the thing was, Aaron didn’t say stuff without meaning it. When he spoke, Brad had learned that he could count on the words that he said being true. Aaron had actually had a good time on this cheesy date, and it was then, maybe, that Brad started to admit to himself that he was losing his heart.

“Come back to my place.”

Aaron just nodded, and they got back in the car. A few more layers of the fortress that Brad had built, tall and strong, were stripped away from around his heart, and it seemed to him that it just might be the same for Aaron.

This time, they weren’t silent as they drove. This time, they chattered about the movies that they had watched together, and the conversation flowed so easily that Brad could barely believe it.

Something was happening, and it was something that was unthinkable or had been, to Brad just a few weeks ago. He wanted this man, and for more than just to warm his bed, too. Aaron was getting in, more and more all of the time.

Brad had had enough warning that he should have been able to stop it if he tried. So why wasn’t he trying? Why was he letting it happen, with all that was at risk?

For the first time, he tried out a new thought, just in the very secret, most private areas of not only his mind but also his soul, his heart. What if he had locked himself away for too long? What if, after all of these years, he allowed himself to think that someone might actually want him?

The thought was terrifying, but when he looked over at Aaron, he was very sure of himself suddenly. Very sure that this was going to happen, and that, more than that, he wanted it to.

Why not just go along for the ride, for once? He and Aaron held hands once more as they drove back to Brad’s house, and once more, their hands fit together like it made sense. Like all of this made sense, even though it didn’t.