TEN

 

 

He had to go pick his daughter up?

The words echoed through his head, and Ken could hardly believe what he’d heard. Of course, Justin was probably just making an excuse, because Ken, better than anyone else, knew just how overbearing his mother could be. Justin could be forgiven for saying pretty much anything to get out of it.

So was that what was going on? Ken’s mind reeled, trying to find a way to encompass this. It seemed strange to him that Justin would pick that if it wasn’t true, and he’d never actually known the guy to be a liar.

Thinking about it took up most of his mental attention, and that was a blessing in disguise because his mother was in fine form. As the wedding got closer, she got more and more snippy and anxious. Luna was going to be her first child who was getting married, and he supposed that made sense, but she seemed to be taking it a bit far.

Luna, actually, seemed to be taking the whole thing much more calmly than their mother was. She was there at dinner, too, with her soon to be husband, and there was an edge to her voice and a sort of tension in her shoulders, but mostly only when their mother was chattering on about this or that minute detail.

All in all, Ken didn’t pay a lot of attention. Should he ask Justin if it was true, the whole kid thing? Was it really any of his business? Sure, they’d made out once, but that hardly constituted a lasting commitment. He wasn’t Justin’s boyfriend.

But could he be? Would Justin even be interested in that? Ken shook his head as he thought about it. There was no way for him even to know, he didn’t have enough information, but it didn’t seem as impossible as he would have thought.

Just when he was getting up to go, Luna grabbed him by the wrist and tugged him to a corner of the restaurant that was relatively quiet. She was a small, slender woman, with vivid dark eyes and long black hair, so she had to stand on her tiptoes to whisper directly into his ear.

“Are you going to be bringing someone to my wedding or not, Ken?”

It was a reasonable question. He’d gotten his invitation months ago, after all. Two faces flashed through his mind. Aaron, remote and beautiful, or Justin who was, well, also remote and beautiful. It seemed that Ken had a type.

Oddly, it was Justin who tended to stick in his mind, and he had to make an effort even to call Aaron’s face to mind. For the first time, he found himself wondering not about what Aaron would say if he invited him, but if Justin would be willing to go.

Justin had implied that he was an idiot, flitting around from crush to crush, getting his heart broken and then learning nothing. Was Justin right? Was Ken just moving on from Aaron to the next guy?

Only the difference was, Aaron had never turned him down. Ken hadn’t even been brave enough to go for it. No, it really did feel like something different was happening here, and that was almost more terrifying.

“I don’t know,” Ken admitted, which earned him an annoyed look from his sister.

“Kinda leaving it until the last minute, aren’t we?” She commented, punching his shoulder lightly and not without affection. “Look, just try to let me know by the weekend, okay?”

Ken nodded and did his best to make his escape, especially when he saw his mother rising to her feet and coming toward them, her face set in lines of pure, horrifying determination. But it was too late, and he and Luna shot each other looks that screamed of panic, but they were caught, and they both knew it. The most they could do was graciously accept that.

“Ken, sweetheart,” she said, and Luna shot him an infuriatingly smug smirk as she slipped away, obviously glad not to be the focus of their mother’s somewhat terrifying attention. “Do you have a nice girl picked out for your sister’s wedding?”

“… Mom,” Ken tried, though he knew that it was pointless. It didn’t seem to matter how many times he attempted to make it clear to her that he was completely, totally, and utterly gay, she was in willful denial about the whole thing. “I don’t want to go with a girl.”

“I met this lovely couple staying at our hotel,” she continued blithely on like he hadn’t spoken at all, just as he had known that she would. “They have a daughter just a few years younger than you. I’m sure I could put in a good word …”

“Not gonna happen,” Ken told her, bluntly honest because there was absolutely no point in beating around the bush when it came to her. Not that it was particularly his style to start with, but with her, there was no point in even trying.

“Ken, darling.” She had her hands clenched tightly together and was looking at him, her eyes imploring him not to do this. “I won’t hear another word. You’re going with Eliza, and that’s just how it is.”

Ken forced himself not to scream at the tops of his lungs, though it was a near thing. His own hands were clenched into fists with the pressure of keeping his temper under control, and if he didn’t get out of there soon, he was going to yell and make a big scene.

“I’m not going with Eliza,” Ken informed her, though he, of course, really wouldn’t know Eliza from a hole in the ground. Not that it mattered. There were two people that he was considering asking to come with him, and he had to pick one of them. Eliza, whoever she was, just didn’t figure into the equation at all.

Besides, while it might be easier to give his mom what she wanted, while he could almost feel the weight of her conviction beating down on him, trying to make him yield to her will, he knew that if he did, it would all be over. Any chance of her ever accepting his sexuality would be right out the window.

She opened her mouth, her eyes glinting with discontent, and Ken shook his head and turned away. It wasn’t easy for him to do, not to his mother, but really, what other choice did he have? She wouldn’t let up, he knew her well enough to know that.

“I’ll see you later, Mom,” he told her, his best oblivious look pasted firmly on his face. That look, perfected over the course of years, was the reason that he had gotten out of many, many fights with his stubborn mother.

He hated to do it, but damn it, he had come out to her years ago. It wasn’t his fault that he had to keep doing it over and over again, because no matter how hard he tried, she refused to accept it.

So there it was. He could bring no one, and she would frown, but probably leave him alone. Or he could make a big gesture, bring Aaron or Justin, and send a serious message.

If only he knew whether either Aaron or Justin would even be willing to go with him. He hadn’t been brave enough to ask, not in either case.

 

* * *

 

Later, Ken stood back, and for once, he just watched at rehearsal instead of actively participating. He had a lot on his mind, a lot to think about, with the wedding and Justin and Aaron and it was all very confusing.

So where did all of that leave him, his fear, his nerves? Alone, certainly, though did he have to be? The problem was, he didn't know which way to jump. Trying to get with Aaron could be a hell of a bad idea, could lead to his heart, bruised as it already was, to get completely broken.

Was Justin any better? Justin, who was really too old for him, and who had already told him that he thought Ken was being an idiot? Sure, Justin seemed okay with making out with him, but Ken shouldn't fool himself that it meant anything at all.

His thoughts swirled around madly in his head, caught helplessly in some whirlwind, a tornado that existed only in his head. He stared at Lance and Jamie, a gentle wash of jealousy going through him as he saw how sweet they were together.

For the first time, though, he had to admit that Lance had never been his. Lance was the best friend that a guy could ask for, but that was all that he could ever be. Everything else was just fantasy on Ken’s part, and fantasy couldn’t last forever.

He had started the process of letting go back when he'd realized that Lance was falling in love with Jamie. That process ended now, and when Lance, seemingly feeling the weight of Ken's gaze on him, glanced up, Ken gave him a little smile and a wave. Things had been weird between them, and it had been entirely Ken's fault. 

He could move on now. The thought was a bittersweet one, but mostly, it was a relief. He had known how hopeless it was for a while, and letting go just felt like a necessary step.

Lance waved back, an enquiring look on his face, but for the first time Ken actually thought that they would be okay. Like maybe they could go back to being the sort of friends they had been before Lance had fallen for Jamie.

Ken's gaze wandered on to where Aaron danced, all alone. The man was always alone—it seemed—unless he had to be with someone else. Once, Ken had thought that he should be the one to help Aaron with that, but did Aaron even want help?

There was something about Aaron that was almost sad. Something in his eyes, maybe, which had always made Ken think that Aaron would have a lot to offer someone who was patient enough to get past his prickly exterior. 

He still felt that, but was he the one to try? Patience had never been a virtue of his.

Fear ran through his veins suddenly, like his blood had been replaced with nearly frozen water. In some ways, Aaron had been his last hope, and ...

... And nothing. Ken pushed away from the wall where he had been doing his uncharacteristic people watching and walked, eyes fixed determinedly on Aaron. He was standing on the brink of something, and at that moment, he made a conscious effort to turn away from it. To choose the safe path, though it was funny to think of going after Aaron as the safest thing to do.

It was familiar, anyway. So Ken went to him, giving him a friendly smile. This was hardly the first time that he had tried this, so the look of wariness that Aaron shot his way was not new, either. 

"Hey," Ken greeted the other man, then gestured at him. "You working on something new?"

Aaron shrugged, looking at Ken with those strange eyes of his. Ken had never seen anyone else with eyes that exact color. No doubt, Aaron was as beautiful as ever.

So why wasn't he making Ken's hear race now? Where was the excitement? He had to reach for it and found it much less strong than he would have thought. 

"Sort of. What do you want?"

It wasn’t that Aaron sounded exactly unfriendly. He just sounded brisk, to the point, like he assumed that if Ken was approaching him, it must be for a reason. Which made sense, Ken supposed. It wasn’t like they were on the sort of casual terms that would make it normal for Ken to approach him just to hang out.

“I had something I wanted to ask you,” Ken looked at Aaron, trying to read his impassive face. Trying to get even a hint of how this would be received. Try as he might, though, Aaron was a complete unknown to him.

How could he know this little about someone that he’d known for years now?

“If it’s about Lester, I’ve been thinking the same thing,” Aaron’s voice was quiet, now, pitched so that only Ken could hear it. The words were some of the last ones that Ken would have expected, though, and it took him a second to even catch up.

“Lester?” Ken echoed, staring stupidly at the other man. Aaron nodded shortly, then turned and started to stretch, long, slender body arching into some highly interesting shapes.

It should have meant more to Ken, but then again, he was probably just distracted by the seeming non sequitur that Aaron had tossed his way. After all, Aaron was just as gorgeous as ever, so why else would Ken find himself barely even able to acknowledge that beauty?

“Yeah. I think it’s a little weird, the whole us being out of money thing,” Aaron informed him, his face down at the level of his own ankle. The man was bendy as hell, it seemed. “Our concerts are all sold out, and everything I hear about our sales is good, too. So how are we losing money? The band is bigger than ever.”

Ken had finally caught up, as Aaron gave him what was probably the longest speech that he’d ever directed at Ken. He frowned, leaning against the wall, watching as Aaron’s body contorted itself. He moved with so much grace, but even in that grace he was intense. How did the guy even live like that? How did he not burn himself out on it?

“Yeah,” Ken admitted slowly. “I thought it was weird, too. He says that it’s because Justin …”

Aaron straightened up again, and there was a brief flash of annoyance on his face as he shook his head and interrupted Ken.

“Justin? Really? Lester is going to claim that the songwriter who helped to make us big is the reason we’re losing money?” Aaron frowned and arched up onto his tiptoes, stretching his arms way above his head. “I don’t believe it. Something else is going on.”

Ken sighed and rubbed his face. Mostly through sheer, stubborn denial, he’d refused to think much about the whole issue. With his sister’s wedding and all of these confusing feelings for Justin, he’d had more than enough to think about.

“Judging from the look on your face”—Aaron surprised Ken quite a bit by continuing—“that’s not what you wanted to talk to me about it. What is it?”

Well, this was his chance. Aaron was here, and he seemed at least willing to talk, which was a far cry from how he usually was. But as Ken raised his eyes, looking into Aaron’s, he found that the words which he had thought to so casually toss out simply died before they even made it to his tongue.

Do you want to come to my sister’s wedding with me?

Why couldn’t he say those words? Why did they linger in his throat, before dying away completely? Ken had been waiting, biding his time, for a chance just like this one, and now it was here, and he couldn’t make himself take it.

“Oh, it’s nothing. I just wanted to see what you were up to,” Ken gave Aaron a friendly smile, and judging from the look on Aaron’s face, he wasn’t necessarily convinced, but he at least nodded and let Ken turn away and leave.

Which he did, and as he walked, he knew that he should be kicking himself for losing this chance. Who knew when he’d get another one? And yet, lingering in his mind’s eye, he saw another face, a set of stormy gray eyes that could send shivers through him.

Justin. He hadn’t asked because of Justin, and it was then that he realized just how thoroughly he had given up on Aaron. It was Justin, the thought of the other man, that had him smiling even as he went.

He had to help his brothers get settled in his place, but after that, he was going to call Justin. Maybe it was time to get some answers on that front, to find out if someone as smart, as talented, and as utterly gorgeous as Justin could ever want anything to do with Ken.