When I pulled up to Paxton’s house I couldn’t help but smile. It looked like a place she would fall in love with. Paxton had always talked about owning one of the older homes in the center of town. I’d bet anything she bought it and remodeled it, bringing it back to life from an old dull farmhouse.
Turning off the truck, I ran my hand through my hair and took in a deep breath. I’d waited ten years to have this conversation, and I couldn’t get my damn hands to stop shaking.
As I stepped onto the porch, I took a quick peek around. I chuckled when I saw the two black rocking chairs. All the times we had sat on my parents’ porch and talked about our future…I couldn’t look at a black rocking chair without thinking of Paxton.
My arms felt like lead as I stared at her door. I finally pressed the doorbell. Less than ten seconds later, the door opened.
The air from my lungs was gone in an instant. The most beautiful woman in the world stood in front of me. Paxton was wearing a light blue dress that hung from her body in all the right ways. My eyes lingered on her bare feet before I dragged them back up and smiled when I saw the braid coming around the side of her head.
“Hey,” I said barely above a whisper.
I couldn’t read her eyes, but it was like she could read mine. She didn’t say a word as she turned and walked into the house. Lifting my eyebrows, I followed her in and shut the door.
“Want a drink?” she called out as she made her way to the large open kitchen. I scanned the living room as I made my way through it.
“No thanks.”
She laughed. “Well, I’m having another.”
We stopped at a large island, and Paxton poured rum into a glass followed by Diet Coke. When she downed it, my mouth nearly dropped to the floor. “You okay?” I asked.
Her eyes snapped on mine, and she slowly shook her head. “No, Steed. I’m far from okay. I haven’t been okay since you walked away from me the night of graduation.”
I swallowed hard. “I was confused, Paxton. You were telling me you hated me. You told me to leave.”
“I did hate you, and I did want you to leave.”
A tear made its way down her cheek. “Some nights when I’m alone in bed, I hate you all over again.”
“Pumpkin, I’m so sorry.”
She laughed. “So sorry for what? That you left me to deal with the loss of our child? That you didn’t care enough to come back? Or maybe that you ended up knocking up another woman, but decided she was worth sticking around for?”
Anger raced through me. “You told me it was my fault, Paxton! That you never wanted to see me again. What in the hell was I supposed to do?”
She slammed her glass on the granite counter. “Stay! You were supposed to stay goddamn it! Not leave me!”
I shook my head. “You told me to leave.”
Her lips pressed together. “I didn’t want you to leave, Steed. I was hurting and scared, and I’d just had to deal with taking myself to the hospital where I lost our baby. I had no one to talk to.”
A loud sob slipped from between her lips, and it hit me right in the gut.
She dropped her head and started crying. I moved around the island, but she held up her hand to stop me. Taking a few steps away, she looked up and I nearly fell to the ground.
Her face was soaked in tears.
“I lost her. T-then I-I lost you.”
“Paxton,” I whispered.
“Then I lost me, Steed. A part of me never came back until you walked into my classroom that night. That small…small…” She attempted to keep her sobs at bay but struggled speaking. “Th-that small part of m-me that died when you left. It came back to life and I think…that made me…hate you all over again.”
This was the reason I never came back. I was a fucking coward.
Paxton looked me in the eyes and asked, “Why didn’t you come back?”
I didn’t even bothering trying to keep my tears back. The only woman I ever loved was hurting and it was my fault. Again.
“Because of this. Seeing how much I keep hurting you. It kills…” I had to clear my throat to keep speaking. “It kills me knowing what I did to you and our child. When I left, I was…consumed with researching miscarriages. When you said I caused it to happen, I…knew it was the truth.”
Paxton stood there staring at me. Her arms wrapped around her body.
“I started drinking to try and drown out your cries.” My jaw ached from trying so hard to keep my emotions in check. “It never worked. They only got louder. Your voice repeated in my head that you hated me, and I knew if I came back, this would happen and you’d hate me all over again. I was a coward and I couldn’t handle seeing you…seeing you…”
My head dropped and I had to take in a few deep breaths.
“I almost quit school,” she said.
Jerking my head up, I asked, “What?”
Paxton leaned against the counter as she wiped her cheeks. Streaks of black smeared her beautiful face.
“When you never came back that summer, I knew you never were coming back. It hurt so much without you there. Everywhere I turned there was a memory of you. Of us. My life was nothing but heartache. I was in the middle of a storm, and I had no idea how to run from it. So I pretended everything was okay. I did what my parents expected me to do, and I went to A and M. But all I felt was pain. When I met Corina I put on a good front for the first couple of months until I saw an Oregon football game and your name was announced. You were the star player from Texas who walked on and made it at Oregon State. I found myself outside in the rain just standing there. The storm cloud had followed me, and I knew I would never be able to stop hurting. I stopped going to class. I partied, drank, and more than once I almost did something I knew I would regret the rest of my life.”
My breath stalled in my chest.
She smiled. “But they weren’t you, Steed. So I always walked away before anything happened. But the hurt kept growing, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Corina made me tell her everything. She’s the only person I’ve ever told about the baby and what happened. Well, besides the counselor I started going to. I finally learned...”
Covering her mouth, she closed her eyes. I walked up and put my hands on her arms. Paxton dropped her hands. “I learned to grieve the loss of the baby and the only man I’ve ever loved.”
I closed my eyes and struggled to take in air. My lungs burned as each breath moved in and out painfully.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.” Opening my eyes, I gazed into hers. The sadness told me Paxton was not done grieving. “Paxton, if I could go back.” I dragged in a shaky breath. “If I could change how stupid and selfish and…I don’t even know the words I’m looking for to describe what an asshole I was. But if I could go back to that day you told me you were pregnant, I would have never walked away. I fucked up twice, and there isn’t anything I can do to take it back.”
She wiped her tears away. “I know that.”
Lifting my hand, I pushed a piece of loose hair behind her ear. “Paxton, I never stopped loving you.”
Her chin trembled. “Why…why did you move on then?”
I shook my head. “I never moved on.”
With a frown, she glared. “I’m sorry, what? Steed, you got married! You had a baby! You moved on.”
“No. This is what I wanted to talk about. The other night at Cord’s place you didn’t let me explain. Mom used to keep me up to date with what was going on with you. She’d ask your mom how you were. It killed her that you stopped coming around.”
Paxton sniffled. “It killed me too.”
I placed my hand on the side of her face, and I thought for sure she would move away, but she didn’t.
“One day she told me you were dating Joe Miller. I didn’t even know the fucker went to A and M. His mom told my mom she thought y’all were going to be getting engaged and that a wedding would follow soon after.”
Paxton’s eyes widened in shock. “What?”
Dropping my hand, I took a few steps back and leaned on the other counter across from Paxton. “I went fucking insane with the thought of you marrying him. Hell, you simply dating him drove me crazy. All the guilt and anger I had tried to bury came rushing back. The thought that I walked away from the love of my life left me sick to my stomach. I told my mother I didn’t want to hear anything else about you. I forbid her to talk about you and if she brought you up, I’d threaten to hang up.”
Confusion laced her face.
“I met Kim at a party a few weeks after my mother told me you were getting engaged. She was supposed to make me forget, as fucked up as that sounds. I never felt a connection with her, but she was the total opposite of you. We dated for a bit, and I realized I needed to be honest with her. The night I was planning to break up with her was the same night her parents died. She was a mess for weeks. Her best friend talked me into asking her to marry me because she was afraid she would kill herself if she didn’t have anything to look forward to. I felt so guilty and if only I had known at the time all that guilt was for what happened with you and had nothing to do with Kim…”
I paused and took in another long deep breath. “At the same time, I was still angry about Joe and the idea of you dating him. I thought you had moved on, Paxton.”
Her brows pinched together.
My heart was pounding so fucking hard in my chest as I tried to get everything out as fast as I could. I’d waited so long to tell Paxton everything. Now that I was standing in front of her, I was more scared than ever that she’d hate me even more.
Taking in a deep breath, I continued. “So I asked Kim and we got married. It didn’t take me long to realize what a huge fucking mistake it was. I told Kim I wanted a divorce. Then I called Mom, told her I was coming back to Texas as soon as I graduated and get divorced. I was going to try and work things out with you.”
“What?” Paxton covered her stomach and her mouth like she was about to get sick.
“Pax? Are you okay?”
She shook her head. “No. I need to sit down.”