My mouth dropped open, and I had to fight to hold back the moan slipping from my lips. My panties instantly dampened.
Steed shrugged. “You told me to be honest, Pax. I’m being honest.”
I had to shake my head to get rid of the mental image of Steed making love to me. No. The image was of Steed fucking me. Hard and fast. I would be kidding myself if I said I didn’t want that more than ever. But could I open my heart up to him again? Not until it was healed, and I needed to do one more thing for that to happen.
Swallowing hard, I ran my tongue along my lips. Steed’s eyes turned dark with desire.
“I… I… Um, I need a moment I think.”
He stepped closer, and the air crackled between us. Gently lifting his hand, he placed it on the side of my face. “I’m sorry, pumpkin. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
I shook my head then placed my hand over his. With a soft smile, I pulled my lip between my teeth. Steed’s eyes dropped and focused on my mouth. The need to have him kiss me was overwhelming. My stomach twisted and turned, my clit ached with want, and my heart was pounding.
Closing my eyes, I knew what I had to do. My gaze lifted up to meet his. “I need to show you something.”
He nodded and dropped his hand.
Walking to the dresser, I opened the top drawer and searched for the velvet pouch. I picked it up and held it to my chest. Closing my eyes, I shut the drawer and held it out to Steed.
My heart was beating so loudly in my chest I was sure he could hear it. He glanced at the bag and smiled. “Is that the same bag I gave you the promise ring in?”
Tears pricked my eyes as the memory of Steed giving me the promise ring on my eighteenth birthday. He’d taken me to our favorite spot on the ranch where we had sat and watched countless sunsets. We’d talked about our dreams and our future. He had promised me no one would ever love me like he did. He had promised to love me forever.
“Y-yes.”
The smile on his face faded. I could hardly breathe. He stared at the bag. “I promised to love you forever that night.”
A tear slipped down my cheek.
When his eyes lifted and caught mine, he let out a pained sigh. His thumbs came up and wiped my tears away. “I’ve never stopped loving you, Paxton. I know that’s hard to believe, but I never once stopped loving you.”
A part of me knew it was true. He called his daughter the same pet name he called me. He sang her our song. I could see it in his eyes, the way he was looking at me this very moment.
My chin trembled as I dropped my gaze to the velvet bag. The ache I always felt when I looked at this bag hit me like a brick wall, but something about having Steed here made it hurt a little less.
“I…I need to show you this.” Lifting my head, our eyes locked. “I’ve tried moving on. I mean, I have moved on, but a part of me remains held back. Still lost in that storm.”
My words fell out between sobs. “I hated you for leaving me alone. I hated you for leaving me. You were my entire life, Steed, the reason I breathed, and you left me.”
His eyes filled with tears as he waited for me to keep talking.
Swallowing hard, I opened the bag. It still held a beautiful card and the velvet blue ring box, but now there were two other items.
I pulled out the box and card. Steed never took his eyes off of them as I set them on the end table next to my bed. Facing him, I dragged in a shaky breath. His eyes searched mine, desperate to figure out what I was going to take out.
Reaching in, I took out a piece of paper along with the little plastic bag that held the pregnancy test I took the day I found out I was pregnant.
Steed sucked in a breath and took a step back.
“My therapist kept telling me I needed to find to way to say good-bye. But I couldn’t say good-bye.” Tears streamed down my face.
“I needed you to be here with me. I needed…you…to be h-here.”
Steed’s eyes bounced from mine to what I held in my hand. “Is that…?”
His voice shook and I watched a tear slip from his eye and trail down his face.
Lifting my hand, I handed him the sonogram picture of our child. “When I took the test and found out I was pregnant, I went to the doctor to confirm it.”
Steed’s shaking hand took the picture. “Our baby,” he whispered while running his finger over the picture. My breath caught in my throat, and my heart slammed against my chest. There were countless times I wished I had showed him that picture when I told him that day. Maybe it would have changed things. But it didn’t matter. I needed to let go of the what-ifs.
“Oh God, what did I do?” His eyes snapped to mine. “I’m so sorry.”
I shook my head. “You didn’t do anything. It wasn’t…meant to be.” The words were hard to get out of my mouth, yet at the same time, to hear myself say it was almost healing.
Closing his eyes, Steed broke down. He dropped to the floor. “Our baby. Paxton, our baby.”
My hands came up to my mouth as I tried to keep my own sobs back. Steed was on his knees, leaning over with his head dropped down. Sobs rocking his body.
“Our baby. Paxton, our baby. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there.”
My heart seized. Steed was mourning the loss of our child. My eyes locked on his trembling body. I wasn’t sure how he would react when I showed him the picture. I simply wanted him to see our child. Feel that love like I had so many times. The only way I could move on was if I shared this with him. I never in my life imagined he would fall apart…exactly like I had done so many times. I dropped down in front of him. He lifted his head, and I gasped when I saw all the guilt, pain, and hurt in his eyes.
Shaking my head, I forced myself to speak. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
He pinched his eyes together. “You don’t have anything to say sorry to. I left you. I left you alone, and I’ll never forgive myself. Never.”
We kneeled in front of each other, so vulnerable and open. Bleeding hearts exposed for each of us to see. He saw my pain; I saw his hurt. Guilt engulfed me. Was it selfish of me to show him this? Was it wrong of me to want him to know the child we lost?
“I’m not trying to hurt you. I wanted you to know.”
He cupped my face in his hands. The fire from his touch shot through my veins like a bolt of lightning. Even in our darkest hour, his touch thrilled me.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry you went through it all alone.” He closed his eyes and took in a shaky breath before focusing back on me. “Please…please tell me you forgive me. Paxton, I’d rather die than know you won’t forgive me.”
His pleading words felt like they wrapped around my broken heart, healing the tear that his leaving had left. So many days I spent alone, crying like my entire world had ended because I had lost the baby. But now, staring into the eyes of the only man I’d ever loved, I realized I mourned the loss of Steed more, and I was just as much to blame as he was.
“When you left and didn’t come back—” My voice shook and I needed a moment to steady myself before I continued. “I didn’t see it then, but it was my fault. I pushed you away because I was devastated we lost the baby. But when I realized you weren’t coming back, I died inside knowing I lost you.”
His eyes widened in horror. Realizing that most of my pain was from losing him. “I swear to God I will never leave you again. Please tell me you forgive me and I will make it up to you for the rest of my life.”
A lightness in my chest settled in. Something I hadn’t felt in over ten years was taking root again.
Peace.
I knew I wanted Steed in my life. I also knew we had to take things slowly.
“I forgive you, but I’m scared, Steed. I don’t think I could survive it if you broke my heart again.”
The way his eyes searched mine, I could see his pain, but something else was in there. Something dark that was eating at his soul.
His hands were still holding my face. “I love you, Paxton. Tell me what to do to earn back your love.”
My chest tightened. “Oh, Steed. You never lost my love. Never.”
His expression brightened, and I couldn’t help the small grin that moved across my face. With a slow nod, he leaned in closer. His lips inches from mine. “Then tell me how I win your trust back. I’ll do anything.”
I was aching for him to kiss me. Truth be told, I was aching to feel him inside me. But we needed to go slow. Sure, we could jump into my bed and fuck like rabbits all night, but would that really be the right thing to do? Besides, we had Chloe to think about. I couldn’t just suddenly show up in her world.
My hands came up and grabbed onto his arms. “I know how you could start.”
The hope in his eyes was hard to miss. I knew if I told him to make love to me, he would do it in a heartbeat.
He smiled. The tears had stopped flowing for both of us. My emotions felt like they were all over the place. I was happy, relived, horny, scared. Gah! I was all over the place. But I knew we needed to go slow.
I flashed him a flirty grin. “You could take me out on a date.”
Steed stared at me like I was insane. “A date?”
Nodding, I replied, “Yeah. A date.”
He pinched his brows together, and I almost wanted to laugh.
“Um, pumpkin, I was kind of thinking of something else.”
I lifted my brow. “Such as?”
“Well, not to sound like a total dick, because honestly all of that was emotional as fuck, but when I said I wanted to sink my cock into you, I wasn’t lying.”
Lord. Help. Me.
“Um,” I whispered as I chewed on my lip. “I just… I’m not… What if…”
He pulled me closer. The heat from our bodies made me dizzy. We can’t do this. It would be better to go slow.
I inhaled deeply. His musky scent filled my senses and shot right between my legs. Who was I kidding? I wanted him too. More than anything. The way he was looking at me and the slight alcohol buzz I still had going on was starting to lean me towards his idea.
“Please let me hold you, Pax. I want to feel your body against mine. That’s it, I swear.”
That one sweet gesture was the only thing I needed to push me over the edge. I started to stand, and Steed followed my lead. With shaking hands, I reached for his shirt and slowly pulled it over his head. When I had a hard time getting it off, we both laughed. Steed reached for it and gave it a pull before tossing it to the ground.
My eyes lingered on his perfect body. His broad chest had gotten bigger. The boy I fell in love with was now a man. His six pack abs made my fingers itch to touch them…so I did.
When my fingers moved lazily over his skin, Steed drew in a sharp breath. Chewing on my lip, I couldn’t help smiling knowing that I’d made him shudder like that. Lifting my eyes, I noticed his were shut. As if he was trying to take in this moment and remember it forever. His breathing had sped and a slight moan slipped from his soft plump lips.
When I’d had enough of abs and chest, I moved my hands to his pants. It felt like the first time all over again as I held my breath and unbuckled his belt, then his jeans. I smiled when I noticed he had no underwear. Peeking up, I found him watching me, his eyes full of lust and desire.
“No underwear, huh?” I asked with a giggle. He shook his head and kicked off his boots.
My nerves were starting to build as Steed reached behind my back and unzipped my dress. It fell to the floor into a puddle at my feet. His eyes roamed my body with greed. Licking his lips, a low growl came from the back of his throat.
“Fucking hell,” he said. “You are perfection.”
I stood before him in nothing but pale yellow lace boy shorts and a matching push up bra. I started to question if we should remove all of our clothes. Maybe we were moving too fast. Could we both resist the urge to be together?
Steed must have seen my internal struggle. He cupped my face and gently brushed his lips over mine. I longed for his kiss. More than I ever imagined.
“As much as I want you right now, we can wait, Paxton. We can take things slow.”
My stomach twisted with a flurry of flutters. He had no idea how much it meant for him to say that to me. How much it showed he was putting my feelings above all.
“Will you stay the night with me? Hold me in your arms like you said?”
He smiled, and my knees grew weak. “Yes. Nothing would make me happier than to fall asleep in your arms. But, I want to feel you against me.”
Reaching around, he unclasped my bra. I fought a momentary urge to keep myself covered before I let it fall away. Steed licked his lips, and I felt my already hard nipples grow harder. His hands touched my hips, and I jumped at the spark I felt against my skin. Slowly, he pulled my panties down. A soft groan came from his mouth that instantly had my lower stomach pooling with desire.
He kissed my belly button, and my head dropped back. I could probably come with only his lips touching my body. Not only had I not had sex in forever, I hadn’t had a decent orgasm in months. Years!
Steed moved back up my body, placing soft kisses on my stomach, between my breasts, up my neck and right under my ear. His hand cupped one of my breasts, and I was instantly dizzy with lust.
“So fucking sexy,” he whispered against my ear. “I can’t wait to taste you again, Pax. To feel you come against my mouth. My name moaning off your lips.”
Jesus.
I grabbed onto his arms, needing something to hold me up.
Opening my mouth, I panted a few breaths before finding my voice. “Maybe slow is overrated.”