I was going to be sick. Steed was going to come home? He was coming back for me?
Sinking into the chair, I reached for the bottle of rum and went to take a drink when Steed took it. “Let me get you water instead, pumpkin.”
Pumpkin. Each time he called me the pet name my lower stomach pulled with want.
Steed opened the refrigerator and looked around for the waters. He handed me one, and I quickly took a drink. “Keep going,” I managed to say.
When his hand pushed through that dark brown hair, I had to hold back a moan.
“Um, well, I told Kim I wanted a divorce. She had told me she was on birth control, but even after we got married I kept using condoms.”
The idea of Steed sleeping with another woman nearly killed me. I knew he had of course, but hearing him say it hurt more than I ever dreamed.
“Was she…was she not?”
“I don’t know. I’m pretty sure she stopped taking them before we got married. From what I could piece together from her crazy ass friends, Kim saw an article in Texas Monthly that had my parents listed as one of the wealthiest families in Texas. She started talking about us moving to Texas. I knew that was never going to happen. It was then I realized I was lying to myself. I was in love with you still and I needed to get out of the marriage.”
I swallowed even though my throat felt like it was coated in cotton. “But she was pregnant?”
Steed’s eyes fell. “Yes. When she told me I felt sick. The only thing I could think was how it was supposed to be you.”
He slowly lifted his eyes to meet mine. “You were the woman I dreamed of marrying and having kids with. Even after I left Texas. Kim was nothing but a mistake.”
Pressing my lips together, I tried not to start crying again.
“Then the guilt hit. Hard. As much as I wanted to tell her it didn’t matter, I was too afraid to make the same mistake. I’d already told her about you. That I could never love her because I’d given my heart to another woman. She insisted the baby would change things. I knew it wouldn’t. I was too afraid to upset her though…if she lost the baby it would be my fault. Again.”
A tear slipped down his cheek and my heart ached at the sight. “Steed, it wasn’t your fault. Our child wasn’t meant to be.”
His head dropped and I sat there stunned as I watched his shoulders rock while he cried. “Every damn day I wake up and I think about it, Paxton. There’s not…there’s not a single day where I don’t think about it. I need you to know that.”
I couldn’t move. I was frozen in place as I watched Steed grieve for our child. Covering my mouth, I cried along with him.
“There was no fucking way I was doing it again. I couldn’t live with myself.”
My heart ached.
He wiped his tears and looked back at me. “So I stayed. And she had the baby and then I felt the guilt all over again because I fell madly in love with this…b-beautiful child. But she wasn’t…she wasn’t your child. I didn’t know how to deal with that. I had planned on telling Kim I wanted a divorce after she had the baby, but I wasn’t sure how the custody would work. When I did finally tell her, she threatened to take Chloe from me and said I’d never be able to find them.”
Steed took a few minutes to get his emotions in check as I sat there, silently crying, as I tried to let everything soak in.
“Kim never loved Chloe. The moment she was born, she pretty much had nothing to do with her. I learned pretty quick she was only after money. I tried like hell to get Chloe away. I begged Kim for a divorce. Each time I would bring it up she would make the threats about taking the baby, and say I’d never see them again. If I left the house without Chloe I would wonder if my daughter would be there when I got home.”
I shook my head as I tried to keep the bile down. How could a mother be so cruel? “Poor Chloe.”
“For years I tried to figure out how in the fuck to get away. One day Dad came up with the whole idea of cutting me out of his will. It took a while to do it. I didn’t want Kim knowing I was on to her. Dad made a fuss about me not coming back to Texas to help him full time with the ranch, we pretended to fight about it and he had fake documents sent to the house. I knew if Kim saw legal documents from Texas delivered to the house she would open them. Dad had it arranged to have them sent while I was at a meeting at the office. The next day she walked into my office at home with a lawyer, took out the legal documents and signed her parental rights away. Her exact words were, “I wasted seven years of my life on you. No more.”
I gasped.
“She didn’t even say goodbye to Chloe. She just left.”
Steed’s hands ran down his face while he let out a gruff laugh. “It’s so fucking confusing. I wish like hell I never walked away from you, but then I wouldn’t have Chloe.” Closing his eyes, he sucked in a breath as he attempted to hold his emotions in.
He failed.
When he looked at me, his eyes spilled over with tears. “I have Chloe, but I don’t have you. I have this amazing little girl who I love, but I don’t have the dream we both wanted. And the fucking vicious cycle of guilt keeps spinning around, and now here I am, and all I want to do is hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you, Paxton. I’ve never stopped loving you. But I destroyed our dream and I don’t blame you if you hated me for that.”
My entire body started to shake. Everything spun. I slowly stood and walked over to him. I couldn’t help but notice how Steed held his breath as I stopped in front of him.
I wanted more than anything for him to take me in his arms and hold me. Tell me everything was okay because he was back.
But he didn’t. He didn’t move as his gaze locked on mine.
I took in a shaky breath, barely getting the words out. “I did date Joe for a while, but we were far from being engaged.”
Knowing what I was about to say was going to cause Steed further hurt, I should have stopped. But I didn’t, because everything needed to be out in the open for both of us to move on. I just wasn’t sure if we would be moving on together…or apart.
“I never even slept with him.”
There was no doubt I could see the sick feeling move across Steed’s face. “W-what?”
“We dated off and on, it was never anything serious. I have no idea why his mother would say that to Melanie. I never even visited his parents while we dated.”
It was in that moment that everything came full circle. Every stupid thing we said to each other in anger. Every mistake we each made. Every single regret, out in the open.
Steed covered his face with his hands and cried out as he slid down to the floor. He repeated the same three words while his body shook violently. “I’m so sorry.”
My heart dropped to my stomach as I fell to the floor next to him. I’d never seen Steed cry like this. He pulled me into his arms and buried his face into me, his body shaking as he let all his emotions out.
“Paxton, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. Oh God. I’m so sorry.”
Closing my eyes, I held onto Steed as he wrapped me tighter in his embrace.
I had been wrong all those years. The storm cloud hadn’t only been over me. It had been over Steed as well.
Steed and I had been sitting on my kitchen floor for the last thirty minutes, neither of us saying a word. I cried until I no longer had tears left, and I was pretty sure the same was true for him.
Leaning against the cabinets, I turned to look at him. His head was resting against the cabinet as he stared straight ahead. My chest tightened at the sight of this man sitting next to me. I still loved him.
Probably more after what happened here than ever, but I was still hurting and I had no idea when I would be able to open my heart again.
Steed finally spoke. “There was this quote I read one time that always stuck with me.”
“What was it?” I asked.
“Fear is temporary, regret is forever.”
He turned and caught my gaze. “I’m never going to let fear lead me down the road to regret ever again, Paxton.”
His eyes dropped to my mouth where I instinctively licked my lips. “I love you, Pax. I’ve never stopped loving you and I’ll love you until the day I take my last breath.”
Dragging in a shaky breath, I whispered, “Steed, I—”
He held up his hand. “Wait. Let me finish, please.” Reaching for my hands, he guided me up along with him. Standing face to face, he searched my face with such an intense look it caused me to shudder.
“I don’t know where life is going to lead us, but I know I won’t stop fighting for us, Paxton. If it takes me the rest of my life, I’ll earn your forgiveness and love back.”
My heart had never beat so fast or so hard in my entire life. I’d been fighting the urge to kiss him since he first walked into my classroom. I was tired of fighting.
One kiss.
That’s all I wanted. All I needed.
Who am I kidding? I needed this man.
Taking a step closer, I captured his beautiful blue eyes with mine. “You never lost my love, Steed.”
His hands reached up and cupped my face.
Just one kiss.
Slowly moving closer, his eyes drifted to my mouth once more. I silently begged him to kiss me as he grew closer and closer. When his lips finally brushed against mine, I let out a soft moan.
It was a slow and tender kiss and my body came to life. Reaching up on my toes, I deepened the kiss a little more. Steed groaned into my mouth before pulling back just enough to break the kiss. He rested his forehead on mine and sighed.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
Closing my eyes, I replied, “Don’t say that. Not when I know we both wanted it.”
The doorbell rang, and we both jumped. I felt lightheaded and needed to grab onto the kitchen island to steady myself.
Steed’s eyes looked hungry with desire, but his expression was sad.
When the person rang the bell again, then knocked, I cleared my throat. “I better get that.”
He simply nodded while his fingers pushed through his hair. Shit, he is so damn hot when he does that.
Focusing on trying to get my breathing under control, I opened the door without looking to see who it was. My eyes widened in shock.
“Joe?”
A wide grin moved across his face as he purred, “Hey beautiful. Miss me?”