Chapter Thirty-Three
Ryan was already in the car when the phone rang. He set it on speaker and answered without seeing who it was.
It could only be one of two people. Eddie, telling him he’d listened to Bedroom Songs and thought it was crap, thought it was crap that could be salvaged, or thought it wouldn’t actually suck once they got in a recording studio and cleaned it up, added backup and vocals, and made it sound, well, not like something he’d recorded in his bedroom with just him and his guitar.
Or it was Claire…telling him she’d heard his new CD and thought it was crap.
Or, maybe, just maybe, it was Claire telling him she’d heard his new CD and that she loved it. That she loved him, too.
Obviously, he was hoping for one of those outcomes more than all the others.
But no matter how much he wanted it, he couldn’t let himself hope too hard when he said hello.
“Ryan?”
Not Eddie. Not a man. Please, oh please be—
“Claire?”
Her voice sounded bruised, sore. Ah, shit. He’d made her cry. He felt awful.
“Claire, I know I fucked up. I know I lost you. But you need to know that I—”
“I got the CD,” she interrupted. “I listened to it twice. Maya did, too. And Dino. I’ve been instructed to tell you that Dino likes his song.”
Ryan let himself laugh. “Tell Dino I’m glad to hear it.”
But his fingers were gripping the steering wheel. Was this it? Were they really going to talk about stuffed toys? Was this how she was going to let him down—by making him laugh and then telling him that it was too little, too late?
“Dino’s not the only one who liked it.”
There was a pause, and Ryan felt his whole chest tighten. Everything felt constricted, like there wasn’t enough space for his heart.
“It’s for you, Claire,” he said softly. “The music, the lyrics, the fact that I can sing at all. That I have anything to say. It’s always been you in my heart. Even when you’re not with me—even if you don’t want to be with me ever again—it’ll still be you in my heart.”
“I do want to be with you. I’ve always wanted to be with you. I just felt like I couldn’t—like it was only going to lead to disaster.”
The knowledge of how much he’d hurt her filled him all over again. “I’m sorry that I didn’t take better care of Maya,” he said. “And I’m sorry that I gave you any reason to feel like letting me into your life would ruin it.”
He heard her sigh. “I was hard on you.”
“I deserved it.”
“No,” she said adamantly. “You didn’t. Or not as much as I dished out. I was looking for any sign that this wasn’t going to work—”
“And I gave it to you. I know. But all I can say is that it really was an accident.”
“I’m trying to see that. To let you be human without every misstep being a giant red flag.”
Ryan exhaled in relief. “I need that from you. Because I can promise you, Claire, I’m going to make mistakes. But I can also promise that I’ll always try to do what’s right, and to take care of you and Maya. I want to be someone you can count on.”
“I want that, too. And I want to know that if something does happen, or if I get upset, that you’re not going to walk away from me. Even if it’s hard.”
“I won’t.”
“Are you sure? Because I’m a package deal with Maya, and while you saw how great she is, it’s not easy. I’m not easy. Nobody is. I don’t want to push you away. I don’t want to go looking for excuses for why we won’t work. I think there are some things in my life I can let go of. I don’t need to be in control all the time, or the only one who has a say. But I’m not a rock star, Ryan. I’m at home, raising a daughter. I need some degree of stability for my life to work.”
He thought about what Claire was telling him. He’d seen it firsthand, but it had still taken time for it to really sink in. They weren’t kids anymore. They couldn’t just pack up and move across the country. They couldn’t say screw it to their families and responsibilities and start over just because they felt like it. He, in particular, couldn’t come and go at all hours, leaving for months at a time to go on tour whenever he pleased.
Not if he wanted what Claire was offering.
He thought about all the changes it would bring. But when he pictured the future, he knew what he saw. And he was determined to have it.
“You’re the one I need,” he said. “And you’re the one I need to be there for. We’ve been through a lot, Claire, but you and I aren’t done. We’re just getting started.”
There was a pause, and he was afraid she was going to say no, she was done with him, they were never going to work.
But instead her voice caught, and the words he longed for came tumbling out. “Why aren’t you here with me?”
“Now?”
“Yes, now. Why are you so far away? Why aren’t we together already?”
“I’m in the car,” he said.
“So when are you coming? Please. I know you just got back there, I know there are still things we need to work out. But I have to see you, whenever you can.”
“No, I mean I’m in the car, and I just crossed out of Illinois into Wisconsin a few hours ago. I had some things I had to take care of, and that’s why it took me a little while to leave after I put the CD in the mail. But I got out of my lease, sold my bed, packed up my amp and a few other things, and I’m headed your way.”
He glanced behind him, at the pile of bags and boxes in the backseat. Everything he needed. Nothing that he didn’t. It wasn’t like they didn’t have clothes and books and instruments in Washington. And Washington had Claire and Maya, which was all that really mattered to him.
So maybe it wasn’t true that he couldn’t start over. But after this move, he knew he was done being unsettled. He knew he was staying in one place for good.
“What are you talking about?” Claire said.
“I don’t have to live in Gold Mountain. I can stay in Seattle. I can find somewhere nearby. Even if you don’t want to be with me, I want to live close enough that I can see my daughter. I know I fucked up, Claire. Big time. But I also know I need to try harder. I need to show you that I mean this and that I’m worth having in your life. I’m not going to do that from Chicago.”
He heard her sharp intake of breath. “You’re serious?” she finally said.
“Seriously about to be in the middle of nowhere, South Dakota, before I know it.”
“You’re driving out here?”
“With everything I own.”
“To be with me?”
“To be as close to you as you’ll let me.”
He heard Maya in the background and could picture her tugging on Claire’s sleeve.
“Do you have to go?” he asked.
“It’s past Maya’s bedtime.”
“Go read her a story. We’ll have plenty of time to figure things out when I get there. It’ll be in the middle of the night tomorrow, so I’ll find a hotel and I can see you in the morning. Or whenever—I know you’re busy. But I’ll be there.”
“No way,” Claire said. “Just come straight here. As soon as you arrive, come over.”
“Don’t be crazy, I’ll see you in the morning.”
“I can be as crazy as I want to be,” she said with a laugh. “And I’m not waiting a second longer to see you than I have to.”
He hit the accelerator, letting loose over the open highway.
“I’m coming to you,” he said. “As soon as I can.”
“Drive safely.”
“That’s one thing you can count on. I’m not doing anything reckless—not when I need you.”
“Good,” she said. “Because I’m yours.”
He heard her words the whole rest of the drive. I’m yours. The woman he loved was finally his, and he was never letting her go.
…
It was three in the morning when he arrived. She’d left the porch light on and the door unlocked, and he tiptoed in, sliding off his shoes by the door. But Claire, asleep on the couch, stirred as he walked in. She rose sleepily and went to him.
He wrapped his arms around her and felt her warmth, her softness, the way they fit together just right. The long drive, the agony of waiting, all the uncertainty of these last few weeks vanished with her touch.
“You’re home,” she murmured sleepily, pulling him closer.
“I’m home,” he repeated.
“Don’t leave me.”
He kissed her lips, her jaw, that sensitive place on the side of her neck. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Promise?” she asked.
He brushed her hair back and pulled her tighter. “I love you, Claire. More than I know what to do with. More than I deserve.”
He was going to take care of that love, to feed it and tend to it and watch it grow. He was never, ever going to be so stupid as to throw something so good away.
“I love you, too,” she said, the words like music in his ear. “And I need you. Here, with me. Always.”
“Always,” he repeated. “I’m yours.”
She slid her hand down to take his and turned, getting ready to lead him upstairs. But she stopped so suddenly he almost bumped into her. There, in the darkness, standing at the foot of the stairs, was Maya in her pj’s, clutching her dinosaur.
“I heard a noise,” she said.
Claire squeezed his hand. He squeezed back. He wasn’t sure what to say. But he knew whatever the explanation was, it was up to Claire to give it. It didn’t make him less of a parent to admit that she’d been doing this a lot longer than he had. She had every right to decide how to handle bringing him into Maya’s life as more than just a friend.
But Claire didn’t say anything more than, “Look who’s here,” as she stepped aside so Maya could get a good look at who was standing behind her.
Maya’s eyes widened, and she gasped.
“Daddy?” she cried. A second later, she was running toward him. He knelt, and she flung herself into his arms.
He hugged his daughter, his whole heart flooding with a happiness he’d never known existed. He looked up at Claire, her eyes confirming what he already knew. She had told Maya everything.
Even though it was hard, and scary, and meant anything could happen. She’d done it because she loved him. Because she believed him. Because she wanted him there.
Then Maya pulled away. “Are you going back to Chicago?” she asked with a frown. “I don’t want Mom to be sad anymore.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” he said. “I’m staying right here with you and Mom. If you want me to,” he added, because Maya should have a say, too.
She nodded so hard he was afraid she was going to strain her neck or something. “Are you going to read me a story?” she asked.
“It’s the middle of the night, bug,” Claire said. “It’s time for everyone to go to sleep.”
But Maya slid her hand into Ryan’s and reached for Claire, too. “You have to tuck me and Dino in again,” she said. “Please?”
He was glad when Claire said yes. If someone promised he’d have all the money and accolades in the world as long as he left Gold Mountain that night, he wouldn’t have done it. The only thing he wanted in the entire fucking world was to crawl into bed and read a story to his daughter.
“Just one, though,” Claire said. “We’ll see lots more of Daddy tomorrow.”
There was no sweeter sound than that word. Daddy. He swept Maya into his arms and carried her upstairs with Claire close behind. Tomorrow…he thought, loving that word, too. And every day after that.
As the three of them curled up in Maya’s narrow bed to read her a story, he knew he would never stop fighting to be worthy of this second chance, the greatest gift he’d ever been given. A chance to love and be loved so hard in return.
“She’s fast asleep,” Claire whispered when they weren’t even halfway through the picture book. Ryan looked down. Maya’s head was resting on his chest, and she was completely conked out.
“Poor thing,” he said. “She’s exhausted.”
“You made her day,” she said with a quiet laugh. “Her year. Her life.”
Ryan brushed Maya’s hair off her forehead as she slept. “I promise you, I’ll take good care of her. And you.”
Claire reached for his hand, and the three of them lay there pressed tightly together
“We’ll take good care of each other,” Claire said.
And he believed it, all the way down in his bones. This whole time, he and Claire had never stopped belonging to each other. He’d never been certain about much in his life, but he was sure they never would.