Chapter 24

PRESENT DAY

 

Now you hate me.

That’s okay—I hated me. I was horrible to Noah. I know it. I knew it then and I know it now. It was one of the darkest periods of his life, and I made him feel awful about himself. I was selfish. 

After that, every time something bad happened to me, I was glad for it. I welcomed it. It felt like penance for what I did to Noah. I couldn’t draw anymore. Every time I picked up a pencil, I felt a dark, horrible feeling in my stomach. I gave up art and started a career in social work, hoping to make up to the world the awful thing I had done.

Then a year later, my mother lost her final battle with breast cancer. She fought valiantly but lost Round Four. My mother, the person I loved more than anyone else in the world, was dead. Finally, it felt like I had paid my dues to the universe.

Not long after that, I met Theo. I started drawing again. I let myself move on.

After Dogcat finally ends, Gwen and my father say they’re going out to dinner. Someplace nice. Lily crinkles up her nose. “I wanna go to McDonald’s!” she cries.

“We went to the farm just yesterday,” I remind her.

“Not the farm.” Lily shakes her head at me like she can’t believe I’d think something so dumb. “The food place. I want a Happy Meal.”

“Lily,” I say patiently, “we can go to McDonald’s back in Queens. We’re going out to a nice restaurant tonight. So you can show off your pretty new dress.”

“McDonald’s!” Lily insists, tears welling up in her eyes. “Happy Meal!”

I look at my father and Gwen. They both shrug.

“Is there a McDonald’s in this town?” I ask Noah.

“Are you kidding me?” He rolls his eyes. “Yes. There is. And it’s got a play area or something like that.”

“Play area!” Lily squeals, despite the fact that she’s dressed more appropriately for a ballroom.

McDonald’s used to be one of my favorite places to eat, but I may have outgrown it recently. Don’t get me wrong—the food tastes really good. But an hour later, I feel it sitting in my stomach like a big ball of lead. Especially those crispy, delicious French fries.

Unfortunately, going to McDonald’s and not ordering French fries is an exercise in futility. I settle on a small fries and pair it with an Artisan Chicken Sandwich, which at least is grilled chicken rather than fried. We go to the back of the restaurant, where there’s an outdoor play area, and Lily takes exactly one bite of her chicken nugget before running off to play.

Noah sits next to me at a table, eyeing my food appraisingly. “An Artisan chicken sandwich, huh?”

“What’s so wrong with that?” I say.

He shrugs and grins. “I don’t know. What makes it ‘Artisan,’ exactly?”

I look down at my sandwich. Even though it’s supposedly grilled chicken, it still looks incredibly greasy. “Because it’s, you know, prepared in a healthier, better way.”

Noah whips out his phone and fiddles with it. “So the definition of ‘Artisan’ for a food is ‘made in a traditional or non-mechanized way using high-quality ingredients.’ So how exactly does that describe a mass-produced sandwich that comes from McDonald’s?”

I shake my head. “Aren’t you hungry? Can’t you order some food that I can make fun of?”

“I had a bunch of popcorn,” he says. “Anyway, I’m going out later to eat.”

I raise my eyebrows at him. “Oh? Like, going into town again?”

He hesitates. “I’ve got a date.”

Noah has a date? For some reason, that information hits me like a punch in the stomach.

“Is it with that waitress?” I ask.

He smiles crookedly. “No, somebody else.”

Sheesh, he’s got a busy social life. I shouldn’t be surprised though. Everywhere we go, women are hitting on him. Unlike me. I haven’t been out on a date in about a year.

“So…” I take a sip of my Diet Coke. “Is it a first date?”

Noah looks like he’s contemplating telling me that it’s none of my damn business, but instead he says, “Second date.”

So it’s a new relationship. It’s a pre-relationship. Second date… I wonder if she knows his secret.

“She knows,” Noah says before I can dare ask.

“Huh?” I say innocently.

He rolls his eyes. “You were wondering if she knows I’m a double amputee. The answer is that she does. I don’t let it get to a second date without telling them—there’s no point.”

I stick a French fry in my mouth. These things are so bad for me, but damn, are they good. “And she’s okay with it?”

“We’re going out on a second date, aren’t we?” He snatches one of the fries off my plate and pops it in his mouth. “She’s a nurse, so… you know.”

“How did you meet her?” I don’t know why I’m asking him so many questions, especially when I don’t really want to know the answers. I don’t want to know about Noah’s love life.

“At the supermarket,” he says. “We were waiting in a long line and we just got to talking.”

Yes, I’m sure she thought to herself, Wow, that guy ahead of me in line is hot. Let me try to talk to him. And imagine her delight when she discovered he’s a doctor too.

“Well, you sure have a busy social life,” I comment.

He flips his palm back and forth. “So-so.” He takes another fry from my tray. “After we broke up, it took me a really long time to get up the nerve to ask a woman out again. I figured any girl would be disgusted when she found out.”

I lower my eyes. “I… I’m sorry.”

He shrugs. “Believe me, I hated you at the time. But I got over it, especially when I found out it wasn’t true. Okay, some of them run for the hills like you did. But some are fine with it. Varying degrees of fine.”

I look across the table at Noah, wishing I was that nurse out on a second date with him. That I had a fresh start so I could tell him how I find him incredibly sexy without him laughing in my face.

Noah isn’t looking at me though. He’s watching Lily, who is climbing some sort of play structure that hovers over a sea of multicolored balls. “So you went and married a musician, huh?”

I quickly avert my gaze from him, in case he notices I’m staring. “Yeah. But that’s long over. Obviously.”

“I knew you always liked that type.” He smiles crookedly. “Was he in a punk rock band or something?”

“He’s actually a really talented guitar player and singer.” I don’t know why I feel a need to defend Theo. Especially after how awful he was to me.

“I’ll bet.” Noah takes another fry. “Did you actually think he was going to be a rock star?”

“No,” I admit. “Not really.”

“Did he think so?”

“He still thinks so.”

“Oh, that type,” Noah laughs. “If you didn’t think he was all that, how come you married the guy?”

I wave my hand at Lily. “You’re looking at the reason.”

He looks genuinely surprised. “You got knocked up? You’re kidding. You were always so anal about birth control. You had an alarm on your phone to remember to take your pill.”

I glare at him. “Condoms break sometimes. What do you want?”

“You were using a condom?” He raises an eyebrow. “How long were you with the guy when it happened?”

“A year,” I mumble.

“And you were still using condoms at that point?”

I sigh. “Look, he’s was in a band. You know how it is.”

Noah shakes his head. “I don’t, actually. I never cheated on you once the whole time we were together. I’ve never cheated on anyone before.”

“I made a bad decision.” I look at Lily writhing around in the ball pit. “At least one good thing came of it.”

Noah reaches out and takes another of my fries. I swat at his hand. “Would you quit stealing my fries?” I scold him. “I only got a small.”

“Yeah, but I’m hungry,” he complains.

“I thought you were full on popcorn.”

“Guess not.” He grins. “Maybe I’ll go get my own fries.”

“Don’t you want to be hungry for your date?”

He winks at me. “I don’t think she’s all that concerned with what I eat.”

He gets up and goes back into the McDonald’s to get more food. I wish he weren’t going on that date. But even if he didn’t, it wouldn’t change the situation between the two of us. It’s just as well.