Never Kiss a Highlander by Michele Sinclair (11)

Chapter Eleven

Mairead threw her covers aside and stepped onto the cold floor. She ran over and grabbed a piece of firewood and tossed it into the hearth. After several seconds, the dying fire caught the new fuel source and a minute later, the heavy log was ablaze. She then went and grabbed a blanket, threw it around her shoulders, and moved to stand in front of the fire to warm her fingers. The moment Robert was well again and Selah no longer needed her chair in his room, she would ensure it returned to her chambers. She understood Selah’s need, but she really missed her chair.

This was the second night in a row that she had not been able to sleep. Hamish plagued her thoughts. She had not seen him since he had left her room. He had eaten with his men, leaving her to dine with little Rab, Robert, and Selah. Mairead was glad to see that her brother-in-law was finally on the mend, but she had been a poor conversationalist. Robert had remarked about it and Mairead feared Selah might seek her out, looking for an explanation. But what could she say? I fell in love with a man who doesn’t love me. But that was not true. Hamish did love her.

Mairead hated it when she answered her own questions. It was like she had a surly, wizened aunt who lived in her head, possessing no tact, few supportive words, and little kindness. Besides, her inner voice was wrong. She had given Hamish a reason. She had given him her heart and he had dismissed it.

I did so.

I haven’t? Mairead thought back.

Mairead ground her teeth together and tried to recall her words. She knew she had not on the way back from Davros’s, but two nights ago, she had to have said something. She definitely had thought the words, but Hamish had rendered her unable to speak. Was it possible she had never told Hamish that she loved him?

Telling Hamish might not be either, though. More than once he had alluded that he did not even believe himself capable of the emotion. What if she bared her soul only for him to reject her again?

Mairead began to pace. She had been hurt and shocked by his declaration. And he had told her what she felt. Hamish had assumed Foinaven and her sister were paramount in her life, but he had never asked.

That I wanted him, of course.

Mairead sank onto the bed as she realized her hated inner voice was correct. “But I did,” she muttered in denial. “I had to of . . . I asked him not to leave and . . .” She sucked in a deep breath. “Oh my God.”

She had not been asking him to stay with her at Foinaven. She was asking for him to stay with her. Not to leave her behind.

Mairead scrambled back out of bed and raced over to yank on her bliaut. She quickly laced up the sides and then took a brush to her hair. Grabbing a strip of leather, she hastily tied her hair back in a loose ponytail and then slipped on her shoes. Snatching the blanket off the bed, she wrapped it around her and exited her room.

A minute later, she was at Hamish’s door. She knocked and there was no answer. She peeked out into the courtyard. She had heard a couple of scurrying feet in the direction of the kitchens, but it would not be long before the courtyard would be bustling with activity despite the fact that the sun would not rise for several more hours.

Mairead knocked again and when there was no answer she knew there would not be one. He had already left for the valley. Mairead bit her bottom lip and debated going back to her room. She pushed on the door and when it opened, she decided to stay. He had successfully avoided her for two days and she was not going to let it happen for a third.

She grabbed a torch, went into the room, and looked for a candle. She found a stack of them on the table and a partial one in a holder. Lighting the candle, she returned the torch, stepped back into the chambers, then closed the door and looked for a place to sit.

There was no chair, but there was a bed. She sat down and huddled in her blanket, wishing she could light a fire. But doing so would not only block Hamish’s ability to return, but it would let him know that she was there waiting for him. It was not a stretch to guess he would slip back out and take extra means to avoid her.

That nonsense was over. They started a conversation two days ago and despite what Hamish thought, they had to finish it.

* * *

Hamish snuck back into his chambers. It was pitch-black for he had neglected to light a candle before he left. To do so was pointless for it was almost always completely melted by the time he returned. Using only his sense of touch, he found the outside edge of the mantel and leaned his sword and targe against the wall. Taking a step forward, he reached out for the table, found it, grabbed a candle, and went out to light it from one of the tower torches, taking care to evade being seen by those working around the castle. He stepped back inside, put the candle on the mantel, and began to undress.

It was as if the weather sensed his mood and matched it. Yesterday, the temperature had dropped several degrees—so much so that if the dark clouds dropped their contents, it would come down as slushy ice. Not snow, not rain, just some miserable state in between.

Hamish unhooked his belt and tossed it on the table. As usual, he had become dirty and had stopped to quickly bathe in the river before returning. It was bad enough he had to wash outside in icy water, but now, because he had trained Mairead at the very spot he bathed, the area was filled with memories of her. And his irritation had only been made worse when he realized that he had forgotten to grab a clean leine and plaid when he left that morning. He had had no choice and had been forced to put back on his filthy clothes. He was desperate to change into clean ones. He just wished he could change out his heart as easily.

It had been nearly two days since he enacted his self-imposed withdrawal from Mairead’s presence. And he had missed her more than he had thought possible to miss anyone—let alone a woman. He missed her laugh, her sarcastic looks and statements, and much more. He missed her ability to see at the heart of him. To just know what was bothering him and either argue with him about it, or concede that he was right. Simply put, he enjoyed being around her. She had been able to make him happier, more at ease and strangely more confident.

But that was then.

Now, she was like a curse. He had not seen Mairead even once, and yet he had been able to think of nothing else. It was to the point he had almost considered staying, telling himself it was the only way he could ensure Mairead would be safe from Ulrick. But it was not the truth. When he left, Hamish would have instilled so much fear in the man that he would never go near Foinaven or Mairead again. Ulrick might have designs on Mairead, but the man valued his life above all.

Hamish dropped his kilt onto the floor and was about to remove his leine when he heard a moan from behind him. He spun around and was rendered speechless. Mairead was asleep in his bed. She was dressed, so he doubted she came to seduce him, but she was nonetheless a feast to his eyes.

Mairead shifted, moving the cover and exposing how her gown had traveled up past her calf. His mind envisioned that lovely leg draped over his body in the most gratifying way. Her head would rest atop his shoulder, allowing her tawny mane to fan out around them. After drowning in her eyes of infinite tenderness, he would open his mouth and envelop hers, brushing his tongue ever so gently across her savory lips. She would moan and he would roll her over to her back so he could have access to her breasts, the soft skin of her stomach, and lower. He would touch and kiss and savor until both of them were writhing with uncontrollable need before burying himself in her sweet warmth.

Hamish curled his hands into tight fists and began to search for his clean leine and kilt. Sophie had a habit of putting them in a different spot every day. He finally found them lying over a storage barrel in the corner and was about to get them when Mairead began to thrash around.

Afraid that she was feverish from her wound, he went and sat on the edge of the bed, cursing at his shortsightedness. He should have at least given her the herbs to make a new poultice. He touched her forehead and exhaled feeling the cool skin. She was just having a nightmare, but from the looks of it, it was a bad one. “Mairead, wake up,” he said gently.

She began to pull at the covers, struggling with them as if she thought they were hands holding her down. “No! I won’t let you!” she mumbled, then did so again, much louder.

Hamish grabbed her shoulders and Mairead began to kick violently and shouted, “Never!”

Disturbed by her growing disquiet, Hamish gave her a slight shake and more forcefully said, “Mairead, wake up.”

Without warning, she shot straight up, opened her eyes, and screamed out his name. Not in fear, but just the opposite. She was crying out for him to help her. Rattled, Hamish began to rock her in his arms. “Wake up, m’aingeal. I’m here. I’m right here.”

Mairead clung to him. She was shaking, but it had nothing to do with the chill in the room. “You cannot leave me,” she pleaded with him, over and over again. “I need you. I won’t let you leave me. Please, please. I won’t let you go.”

Hamish was unsure if Mairead was still asleep or was awake. He tried to pull her out of his arms to look at her eyes, but she only tightened her grip. “Mairead?” She snuggled her head into his chest and finally started to calm. He stroked her hair. “Aingeal, you had a nightmare.”

Mairead was still in a fog. Her cheek was against something warm. She knew it was Hamish and instinctively turned her head to kiss his check in the opening of his leine. “I did?” she murmured, still half asleep.

Hamish gritted his teeth. He needed to put her away from him. And he would. In another minute. “You did,” he finally managed to get out. “It seemed to be a bad one.”

Mairead kissed him again. Her lips were velvet torture. “Mmmm . . . I get them all the time.”

Hamish stroked her hair, concerned. What he just witnessed was not just a simple nightmare but something far more severe. “Do you remember what it was about?”

Mairead shook her head. “Last thing I remember is coming down to your room and . . .”

Hamish knew the moment she was fully awake. Her whole body tensed and she slowly pulled back to look at him. Her eyes were wide with alarm. “I . . . I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I just wanted to see you. To talk to you. To tell you that—”

“Mairead, you have to leave,” he said, not letting her finish. “If someone finds you here . . .”

“Someone already did,” came the curt reply from a voice that typically was soft and sweet.

Hamish swiveled around and his gaze clashed with Selah’s. Anger shot through him as he realized what she was thinking. He rose to his feet and glanced back at Mairead, who did not look at all shocked to see her sister. Only mad. Had this been staged with Selah interrupting them prematurely? Had Mairead intended to be in a truly compromised position before her sister barged in on them?

“Did you plan this?” he accused Mairead. He was so angry, the vein stood out on the side of his neck.

Mairead’s eyes left her sister and landed on Hamish. “What?!”

“You intentionally snuck into my room,” he sneered. “Then ‘happened’ to fall asleep. Then, just as I was about to leave, you conveniently have a nightmare to draw me to your side.”

Mairead’s jaw tightened. “You think I planned all that. To what end?”

Hamish’s scowl became colder when she did not deny the accusation. “I will not be forced into anything, Mairead. Not into staying and definitely not into marriage.”

His tone had never sounded more hostile and cold. It fed Mairead’s own anger. She pointed to his clean leine and plaid on the empty storage barrel. “Then leave.”

Hamish gave her one last pointed look before snatching his clothes. He stomped toward the door and, feeling the weight of Selah’s icy stare, stopped and turned around to issue her a glacial glare of his own. “You and my brother may rot in hell before I am forced into marrying your sister for something that did not and will not ever happen.”

* * *

Selah stared at the empty doorway for several long seconds before swinging her gaze back to her sister. She was totally unfazed by what Hamish had just said and clasped her hands in front of her. “Everyone heard you scream,” she said, to explain her unexpected appearance.

Mairead got to her feet. The explanation made sense but did nothing to calm her ire. “Aye, but did you have to come in here?”

“Aye, I did.”

“Could you not have just knocked?”

Selah shook her head. “More than one person heard it and recognized that it came from Hamish’s chambers. Or would you rather have had the blacksmith running in here seeing what I witnessed?”

Mairead shook her head, collapsed back down on the bed, and then dropped it in her hands. Tears began to fall. “I’ve ruined my last chance.”

Selah went and sat down beside Mairead. She smoothed out the covers and helped pull the blanket back around her shoulders. “You love him.”

Mairead nodded, no longer wanting to deny it. She had just wished she had been able to tell Hamish. “Very much. But it no longer matters. He wants nothing to do with me now.”

Selah smoothed back a lock of Mairead’s hair. “Lucky for you, he has to.”

Mairead scoffed. “You think because you caught Hamish comforting me that he is going to be compelled to marry me?”

Selah tilted her head. “He does not have much of a choice, Mairead. Too many people heard you scream and know you are in here. But when he just marched out of these chambers half dressed, carrying his clothes, he had to know what would happen.”

Mairead wanted to disagree. Hamish had been too angry to think about the consequences of his dress. But it did not matter if he had or not. Mairead was not about to marry anyone who felt coerced into doing so. “Hamish thinks I tried to manipulate him, Selah. That I am dishonest and like the woman he almost married last year.”

Selah put a comforting arm around Mairead’s shoulders. “He doesn’t really. He just lost control of the situation for a moment and reacted poorly. When he calms, he’ll realize the truth. Deep down, Hamish knows that you would never try to threaten or deceive him.”

Mairead swallowed. She could not admit to her sister that she was capable of all that. She had proved it over and over. No, she would never do something like this, but Hamish had been hurt and betrayed by women so much in his past that he most likely would never believe the truth.

Selah patted her hand. “I will talk to Robert and let him know what happened. He will speak to Hamish about wedding plans and whether or not we should wait for the priest.”

Mairead stood up and stared down at her sister. “You and Robert really don’t understand Hamish at all. The man lives by a code of honor, which you and your husband should know better than anyone after what Hamish gave up for the both of you.”

Selah squared her jaw and crossed her arms. “It really doesn’t matter whether I understand him or not, Hamish is honor bound to marry you. Your reputation is at stake. He would not dare refuse.”

Mairead threw her hands up in the air. “Oh, he most certainly would dare! And even if Hamish did capitulate to your demands to restore my reputation, I would not let him.”

True anger flashed out of Selah’s hazel eyes as she rose to her feet. “Aye, you would. I am your older sister by several years and the last of your family. You will marry Hamish and you will do it soon.”

“I will not.”

Selah held Mairead’s glaze. “You created these circumstances. You entered an unmarried man’s bedchambers and, based on the state of your appearance, you fell asleep. Hamish did not do this to you, you did it to him and you will take responsibility. He should have left the moment he saw you and because he did not, he too will pay the price. You are just fortunate that you both are in love. But let me make this clear, it would not matter if you weren’t.”

Mairead knew her sister was right on all accounts, except two. Hamish was never going to marry her and under these circumstances, she would never agree to marry him. “To agree would only sentence me and Hamish to a lifetime of misery. His anger of being forced into something he did not want would only grow and it would kill anything there was between us. So no, I will not marry Hamish. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. And nothing you say can change my mind.”

Selah watched with an open mouth as Mairead marched by her and out the door.

This had not gone quite like she had hoped. Catching the two of them in a compromising circumstance was supposed to ensure their union. Not ensure that it never occurred.

She prayed Robert would know how to fix this mess, because when Ulrick finally arrived, it was critical that Mairead be by Hamish’s side. If she wasn’t, then all their futures would be in jeopardy.

* * *

“I will not, Robert.”

Hamish sat across from Robert in his dayroom and lifted his leg to rest his right ankle on his left knee. He was glad his brother was doing better, but his outer calm was not indicative of what he felt.

His anger had been enormous when he had left his bedchambers hours ago. The idea that Mairead had tried to manipulate him into staying with her by forcing him to marry her had filled him with a fury unlike he had ever known. He had not thought her capable of such deceit. And deep down, he still did not believe it.

Mairead just did not operate in such a manner. She openly admitted her machinations when she had them and was never ashamed of them. Selah had probably heard Mairead’s scream, which brought her to investigate, and then used the situation to force a union upon not just him, but Mairead. Robert and Selah knew he would never wrench her from Foinaven and they were doing what he had accused Mairead of: forcing him to marry in order to keep him at Foinaven.

It was never going to happen, especially as Mairead was not compromised, and Robert and Selah knew it.

“You must marry Mairead and you know it,” Robert countered.

“I must do nothing of the sort,” Hamish scoffed, unaffected by the genuine urgency behind his brother’s statement. “Nothing happened between us. Mairead can arrange to marry any other man she pleases because it won’t be me.”

Robert shifted in his chair to a more comfortable position. He was feeling better, but his energy had yet to return. Still, he was glad not to be having this conversation from his sickbed. “Is that what you think? That Mairead arranged for Selah to interrupt you? I can assure you that she did not.”

“Selah interrupted nothing.” Hamish scowled at his younger brother, but his voice kept that same icy, calm tone. “Furthermore, I no longer believe that Mairead staged what happened, but nonetheless you three are trying to use something that did not happen to your advantage.”

“The three of us are using?” Robert scoffed. “You could be no more wrong. Mairead is also refusing to marry. Just before you arrived, Selah was in here telling me that her sister will never marry a man being coerced into it.”

Hamish sat with pursed lips at the surprising information. He had mixed feelings about hearing Mairead’s resistance though it did reaffirm his gut instincts. But it did not matter because the reason he refused to marry Mairead had nothing to do with coercion. It had to do with his not being enough. He was not enough to leave everyone and everything she loved.

“Selah is convinced you two are in love. I suspect she is right if Mairead is running to you for comfort in your chambers and you are giving it to her.”

Hamish rolled his eyes and dropped his foot to the floor. He leaned forward on his elbows. “Mairead runs to me for many things—answers, details of my plans, training—comfort is not one of them. And of all the things that would not bring her solace in the long run, marriage would rank high among them.”

Robert started to speak, but a hacking cough overcame him and it took a second for him to catch his breath. The entire time, Hamish’s expression had remained unchanged. “You don’t realize what is at stake.”

“I’m speaking fairly simply, Robert. I will not marry Mairead and I will not be forced to remain here. Can you look me in the eye and swear that you hold no desire, that you have no expectations, plans, or otherwise that I would stay?”

Robert’s brow furrowed. “I think you are afraid,” he said calmly, refusing to answer Hamish’s question. “Maybe it’s love that has you so scared that you cannot allow yourself to grab hold of a chance at happiness.”

“I’m afraid?” Hamish barked. His temper flared back to life and something dark came over him. “Don’t you dare accuse me of being afraid when it is you who walks the path of fear every day, Robert. I’m not the one who is afraid of people resisting being in one clan, afraid of confrontation, afraid to lead. You won’t even sleep in the solar, Robert! It is your right! It is a symbol of who you are to these people. Without it, they have no loyalty to you or this clan. People look to strength to guide them. Someone they can believe in. They don’t need someone to manage the clan, they need a laird. Maybe you need to ask yourself just what has you so afraid.”

Robert’s green eyes bore into Hamish’s. He was a hard man to anger, but inside he was seething.

Hamish knew his brother was mad, but he did not care. Robert brought him in his room to talk about Mairead and Hamish still had more to say. “As far as what I feel for Mairead, you might want to remember that I was once in love with your wife. And there is no denying all these years later that we would have been miserable together. I will not condemn Mairead to the wretched fate Selah escaped. I am giving her the same chance to find someone who can make her happy.”

Robert rose to his feet and shoved his anger to the side. He was not nearly as wide as Hamish, but he had the same height and wanted to look him in the eye. “Here’s the harsh truth, Hamish. You left, Father died, and I was the one who kept this clan together. I helped it to grow by giving the people what they wanted. I was here when they needed me. And I am still here. I was not and am not running away, afraid.”

Hamish glowered and Robert suspected he was in danger of being punched. But he did not back down. “And aye, I am pushing you to marry Mairead, but not because I want to use it as a noose to keep you here. I am doing it for the same reason you are refusing. I am trying to save her, you ainmhide. Mairead needs your protection, not your sense of honor. Why do you think I created the situation that compelled Ulrick to leave with every good soldier we have? To get you here. For you to see for yourself that Mairead was in trouble and take her away. Because God knows, she is as stubborn as you and would refuse any other way.”

Hamish stood completely still for at least a moment, digesting what Robert just said. He believed his brother . . . and yet he did not. “You expect me to believe you arranged everything so that I would come back, get ensnared in a situation, and be forced into agreeing to marry? If you did, you far outshine the McTiernays when it comes to strategy.”

“Of course not. I wanted you to come and do what you originally agreed and send Ulrick away. But like Mairead, I had thought you would be bringing men and that perhaps one of them might have appreciated her enough to want to stay. But I also knew that even if neither happened, it would not take you long to realize that Mairead was scared and needed to be taken from Foinaven. You both falling in love was not planned, but it was welcomed. And given the way you both feel, you must be the one to marry her.”

Hamish’s jaw twitched. “No, what I need are answers. Mairead doesn’t need me to marry her. She needs me to know the name of the man she is so afraid of.”

Robert sighed and sank back down into his chair. “Can you not guess?”

“I asked her if it was Ulrick and she denied him ever harming her.”

Robert shook his head. “Ulrick’s ultimate desire is not Foinaven or this clan. It’s Mairead.” Hamish stared at his brother unblinking. But he could feel his heart begin to beat harder and faster. “Ulrick has wanted her since he first saw her and her rebuffs only stoked his obsession. Mairead doesn’t know I am aware of this, but he threatened her at Epiphany. They are to marry when he returns and if she refuses, then he will find an unpleasant way to make her change her mind. Those were his words.”

“Mo chreach-sa a thàinig.” Everything now made sense. “Mairead had wanted to know if I was going to kill him,” Hamish muttered.

“Now do you understand why you must marry her? It is the only way she will know—that Selah and I will know—that she is safe as long as Ulrick is alive.”

Hamish looked his brother in the eye. “If Ulrick touches her, I will take his life and I will do it slowly.”

Robert gulped. He did not think that was necessary. Ulrick just needed to accept that Mairead would never be his. “But what if he agrees to leave Foinaven? We need to talk with him. Explain to him the situation. For to kill without provocation . . . that’s murder. Once he is gone we can figure something out long-term to protect Mairead.” Hamish’s right eyelid flickered. “What are you going to do?”

Hamish scowled. “I don’t know,” he said simply, and then left.