Chapter Twelve
Mairead pulled her fur blanket tighter around her shoulders and adjusted her position on the sloped granite outcropping. The morning air was warmer than what it had been the past couple of days, but the clouds overhead and the even darker ones on the horizon hinted that by mid to late afternoon, the icy rain would once again be upon them.
The gooey sounds of footsteps on the soggy ground made her head snap around to see who was coming. A second later Hamish came into view.
Mairead waited until he saw her sitting there. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
Hamish studied Mairead for a moment. She was cold and had probably been sitting there for a while in an effort to catch him. He glanced at the river bank behind her and said, “I’m dirty and I want to bathe. We can talk when I get back to Foinaven.”
Mairead shook her head. “We need to talk now. Here. Where no one can hear or interrupt us.”
Hamish smiled, but there was no humor in it. “Then you will be speaking to my naked backside.”
Hamish sauntered over to a rock closer to the water and dropped a bag. He then unbuckled his belt, freeing it and his tartan. He laid them both on the small rock and then, without another word, he headed straight into the water, keeping his leine and raw leather shoes on. He strode quickly in without pausing, as if he were strolling into a pond heated by the summer sun. She knew he had to be freezing. “Is this bravado I’m witnessing or do you actually enjoy icy water?”
Hamish did not answer. He was waist deep and dropped himself down into the cold depths until his head was submerged. He hated the cold and wading slowly in only prolonged the agony of washing in a river this time of year. The only reason he even bathed was because he hated the feel of grime on skin and mud between his toes. How Craig McTiernay had loved to tease him about it, but Hamish had not cared. Especially since he knew they enjoyed being clean almost as much as he did.
Under the water, he brusquely rubbed his scalp and then stood up. Quickly he removed his dirty leine, wrung out as much of the grime as he could, and tossed the shirt onto the shore. When he did so, he caught her staring at him. “Like what you see?”
Mairead did not turn away. If Hamish thought he would intimidate her into shielding her eyes, he was highly mistaken. They had shared a very intimate moment and if that did not make her unfit for marriage, then seeing Hamish unclothed would not either. “I do,” she finally answered, catching the shift in his jaw.
She had been staring at him not to prove a point, but mostly because she had wanted to see the rippled muscles she had only felt and envisioned in her mind. She was not disappointed.
The strength in Hamish’s upper arms and broad chest had been clearly noticeable under his leine, but this was the first she had seen of his stomach. It rippled as he moved, firing her blood and making her heart pound. There was not an ounce of fat on him anywhere.
Free of clothes and mud, Hamish sauntered back to shore. Mairead was still looking at him, but he noticed that her eyes were locked to his. She was cheeky, but only to a point. It was another aspect to her character that he liked. Marriage to her would never be dull and he was starting to find himself looking forward to it.
Mairead kept her focus on his face even as he leaned down and pulled out a clean leine from his bag. As he tugged it on, she decided to delay their conversation no longer. “I wanted to tell you some things that I should’ve said, meant to say, the other night. I came to your room to tell you them, but we got interrupted. So I’m here now because when you leave I don’t want to regret never having told you. I don’t want you to put me in that same category with all the other women you’ve ever cared for.”
Hamish grabbed his plaid off the rock. “Since meeting you, I’ve not been able to put you in any category of any woman I have ever known. I doubt that will ever change.”
Mairead could not help but smile. God, how she loved him. And though nothing would ever come of it, he deserved to know. “I love you, Hamish. I think I have for a while. Spending time with you has changed me and only for the better. I want to thank you for that.”
Hamish paused his efforts to pleat his tartan with frozen fingers and looked at her. She was earnest. She had not said it to gain a response from him in return, to secure information or even protect her from a scary future. She simply loved him. Him. Hamish MacBrieve. The man whom all women liked, but none wanted for their own. Mairead MacMhathain loved him. And the idea terrified him to his core for never had he felt more vulnerable.
Getting control over the onslaught of emotions, Hamish finished belting his plaid.
Hamish’s green eyes had held hers for a long time. It was as if he was searching her soul, seeking the truth. Only when he had looked away was she able to continue. “I am not telling you to tie you to me or create any guilt. I know that you soon will leave Foinaven, but I never wanted you to think that I was like the other women you have known. You need to believe that there is love out there for you. I fell in love with the real you and if I did, so can someone else.”
Hamish heard the trip in her voice at the end. Mairead did not like the idea of his being with another woman and he liked the idea far less. He knew there was no one out there for him. He had searched for too long to think that there was. Mairead was a miracle. She really was his aingeal. “From what you are saying, Selah has not told you of my decision.”
Mairead looked at the clasped hands in her lap and with a sneer said, “Oh, I heard. My sister was extremely eager to tell me about it last night. She was also quite upset when I made it clear that it did not matter what you had decided for I also had a choice in the matter. And I’ve made it.” She looked up and, catching his eye once more, said, “I will not marry a man in order to save myself from Ulrick. I doubt I will have a need, but just in case, I now have other ways to convince him to look elsewhere for a wife.” She patted her outer thigh where he knew the sgian dubh was hidden.
Hamish narrowed his gaze. “I’ll admit that you picked up the basics of using a knife quickly, but Ulrick is a seasoned warrior. That”—he gestured to her thigh—“is no protection. You have only one choice, Mairead. We will handfast tomorrow.”
Mairead stood up and squared her shoulders. “I will not. Marrying you is no doubt the best option I have to protect myself against Ulrick, but—and I hope you can understand this—I want more than just protection when I promise myself to someone. I don’t want to be locked to a man who married me out of pity or was forced into it by my family. Neither do I want to be with a man whose honor compelled him into agreement. Any one of these reasons would make me say no, and your rationale for marrying me involves all four. I am not someone you want as a wife and you made that very clear the other night.”
Alarm shot through Hamish. Mairead just admitted to loving him but was at the same time refusing to marry him. And he was the reason why. Hamish was not sure how to handle the situation, but he knew one thing. That he might have wanted to marry Mairead before, but now that he knew she loved him, there was nothing anyone—including Mairead and her stubborn pride—could do to stop it. “Then what do you plan to do?”
Mairead shrugged and gave a shake to her head. “I honestly do not know. I’ll probably look to find someone Ulrick would not want to tangle with. Maybe I’ll marry a Mackay. It would be better than . . .” She stopped speaking just in time.
“Than what, Mairead?” Hamish asked. His entire body racked with tension.
Than to tie myself to a man who did not love me, but Mairead could not say the words. Hearing Hamish admit out loud that what he felt for her was less than her own declared love would shatter the few pieces of her heart she had left.
Hamish’s eyes never left her and she knew he was waiting on an answer. “Than marry you and make us both miserable.”
Anguish ripped through him. He felt more pain than he had ever known in his life. He could feel it gnawing at his vitals, eating him alive. Losing Selah, finding out about Wyenda’s betrayal, being constantly overshadowed by McTiernays—they were nothing compared to the pain her words inflicted. “Then you leave me no choice. I’m leaving,” he bit out. “The whole reason Robert even brought me here was for us to meet and marry.”
“What! You can’t leave!”
Hamish’s jaw clenched. “Aye, I can. My reason for being here no longer exists.”
“But . . . but . . . but Foinaven, Robert, the clan, they need you!”
Hamish shook his head. “They need me no more than you do.”
“You’re wrong.”
Hamish walked over and grabbed her hand. “You are coming with me.”
Mairead stumbled after him. “But . . . but it is going to rain!” she yelped.
“Then you will get wet,” he snapped, and led her to where he had left his horse.
Without warning, he put his hands around her waist and plopped her down in front of his saddle. He then freed the reins and threw his leg over the horse and pulled himself up. Wrapping an arm around her middle, he pulled her back against him and he yanked his mount to head just where he had come from.
They were riding fast, but it was evident that Hamish knew the way by heart. Soon they were in the woods and she was ducking to avoid branches and limbs as they made their way to the valley. After almost an hour of riding in silence, they arrived at its edge.
Hamish gestured to the scene below. “Do not worry about your home, my brother, or even various clans that live under his protection. I have prepared so that they will be fine.”
Mairead slipped off the horse, her mouth gaping at the sight before her. She had not known what to expect. She had thought Hamish might be working some of the village boys that he had ridiculed in the great hall, and they were there—along with five to six dozen other men. Many she recognized. Like Amon, they had either left the guard or had been forced out by Ulrick. But she had not seen them since and had assumed they had left the area completely. But they were there. Training in preparation to face Ulrick when he returned.
* * *
Mairead stood there for some time, just watching everything. As soon as they arrived, Hamish left her without a word where she was and rode down to meet with some of the men.
He carried himself with a commanding air of self-confidence and all the men, even those older and highly skilled, listened as he spoke to them. Their faces radiated awe and respect. It was now clear what Hamish had been doing in the mornings. He had been out finding people of like minds, who were still willing to fight for Foinaven, for the safety of this community . . . but not for Robert. They were there because of Hamish. And when he left, she suspected so would they.
How she wished she could simply agree to Hamish’s marriage request. But she could not muster the will to change her mind. She loved him, even more so now after seeing all that he had been doing for her, his brother and her sister. But she would not tie him to her this way. She always wanted what her sister had with Robert—a deep, forever-binding type of love. And from the few conversations they had, Mairead knew that Hamish longed for the same, otherwise he would have wed some nice, willing girl long ago. He wanted to be loved. Well, so did she.
“So he finally told you his secret, did he?”
Mairead jumped and spun around. Two women were walking up to her.
“We saw you standing here when we brought food out to the men. We thought we would bring you some as well and join you for a bit,” Lynnea said with a smile.
Mairead returned it, glad to see Amon’s wife. She had not seen her since Amon and Ulrick had their row and split company. Her farm was fairly self-sufficient and had no need to exchange goods and food on market day. Mairead suddenly realized she had missed the older woman’s company.
Jeán pulled her into a quick embrace and then pointed to the group of men below as echoes of metal clashing reached them. “I know you had to suspect something like this.”
“I really didn’t,” Mairead denied. “I thought for a while that Hamish might be training some of the village boys, but never this,” she said, waving her hand out to the sight in front of them.
“Then why don’t you seem happy?” Jeán asked. “I would have thought seeing a small army would give you the peace of mind you have been seeking.”
Mairead sighed. “You are right. It should.”
“Ahhhh,” Lynnea said, and then mouthed to Jeán, You were right. “You love Hamish.”
“I do, very much.”
Jeán winked at her. “I told you the kiss would work. Hamish told Amon this morning that you two are to wed. Or handfast until a priest can be coerced into coming this far north.”
Mairead grimaced. “Just because Hamish is willing to marry me, does not mean he wants to. Look out there, Jeán. That is what Hamish wants. He wants to protect me and Robert has convinced him that the only way he can do that is by marrying me. Hamish doesn’t want me. He certainly doesn’t love me and without him returning my feelings, I cannot agree to marry him.” Using her chin, Mairead gestured to where Hamish, Amon, Davros, and two other men were talking animatedly. “I have a feeling that he is telling them that he is leaving.”
Lynnea started chuckling and Jeán joined her. “I doubt it.”
“When I refused to marry him, Hamish said that there was no longer any reason to stay. That his army would handle Ulrick and his men when they return.”
Both women started laughing in earnest now.
Mairead gave them both her harshest glare, which again caused their laughter to increase. That they thought so little of what she was saying bothered Mairead. She had thought to have their support, not their derision.
Jeán wiped the tears from her eyes. “I’m sorry, Mairead, but the idea that Hamish doesn’t love you, is well . . . laughable.”
Lynnea nodded. “The man is completely besotted. It makes Amon’s stomach turn.”
Mairead’s brow furrowed deeply. “Hamish said he loved me?”
Lynnea made a dismissive gesture. “Of course not. He’s a man. He has no idea when he is in love.”
Mairead wanted to believe what they were saying, but she knew that they were wrong. Hamish was not the type of man who denied being in love. He was just the opposite. “Hamish cares for me. He’s told me so, but that is all. And I don’t even think he feels that for me right now.”
Jeán pointed out to the field. “I might not know Hamish well, but I do know when a man is in love.”
Lynnea nodded her head. “From what I can tell, Hamish is much like my Amon and I too doubted his feelings for a long time.”
Mairead looked at the kind face of the older woman, unable to hide her disbelief. “Anyone can see how much Amon loves you.”
“Aye, now,” Lynnea agreed. “But not at first. He was a soldier and my father was pushing him to a life of farming that he did not want. He thought that I wanted the same thing as my father and actually left. Thank goodness my mother was still alive. She urged me to go after Amon and tell him my feelings. That Amon was not the type to pour out his feelings without some assurance that they were returned. He had risked exposing his heart by coming to the farm and that it was my turn to be vulnerable. I think the same is going on with you and Hamish. I doubt he has even admitted to himself how much he loves you, but trust me, love is the only thing that could have made him willing to want you for his wife.”
Mairead shook her head, this time more vigorously. She had not wanted to reveal Ulrick’s involvement to anyone, but it seemed several people already knew and she wanted Jeán, as well as Lynnea, to understand what was happening. “Hamish agreed to marry in order to protect me. Ulrick has been threatening me for months and he warned me that I would become his when he returned. Hamish doesn’t love me and he doesn’t want me for his wife. He just believes there is no other choice.”
Jeán rolled her eyes and pulled her own blanket tighter around her. “Do you really believe Hamish incapable of finding another way to free you from Ulrick’s threats? I imagine there are a hundred ways Hamish could ensure the man never bothered you again, and yet he chose marriage.”
Lynnea nodded her head. “What Hamish offered was not just protection, Mairead, but permanent commitment, which is so much more. You would be the mother of his children. You would help him create his legacy. Such things are important and I cannot believe Hamish would just give them to you out of a warped sense of honor and to give you some sort of security.”
“He loves you,” Jeán reiterated. “Don’t wait for an idyllic setting or for perfect words to be said at the ideal time. Take hold of what you know is true. The rest will come and Hamish will tell you what he feels. Not as soon as you may want it or even when you want it, but the words will come.”
Mairead’s eyes grew large and she bit her bottom lip. “But . . .” she groaned, and closed her eyes. “How? I’ve hurt him. And you should have seen his face. I did not want to be like the other women who had hurt him, but I am. He thinks I am just like them.”
Jeán tilted her head and winced. “If you did hurt him, remember you have something those other women did not have.” Mairead looked at her friend pleadingly for some kind of hope and direction. “You actually do love him and Hamish needs that love more than he probably realizes. And despite what you said to him or vice versa, I cannot see that man letting you go if he knows you don’t want him to.”
Mairead looked back down at Hamish. He clasped hands with one of the men he was talking with and began to head her way. Amon and Davros followed. Mairead watched as the three men approached. The stern expression Hamish wore completely hid the fact that he had the most beautiful dimples. She wanted to see him smile at her and make him laugh in return. This man was everything she ever wanted, and if Jeán and Lynnea were right, he loved her. He loved her so much that he was willing to promise himself to her for life, despite all she was connected to—Selah, a lairdship that should have been his, a home of his own. He wanted to have a life together. A family. How she wanted to raise a bunch of little Hamishes. Was she really going to give that up because of the circumstances behind his proposal?
The answer was no.
* * *
The six of them spoke for a second and then headed to Amon’s, who lived the closest to the valley and all the activity. Lynnea and Jeán prepared the midday meal while Mairead kept the children occupied.
“I cannot believe the improvement you have made with the unskilled lads I sent you earlier this week,” Hamish said.
“They are good boys.” Amon knew exactly to whom Hamish was referring. “They actually knew how to handle a sword. One though was a natural archer and Davros is working with him. But they will need far more than a few weeks to be ready for battle.”
“Hopefully, it won’t come to that.”
“But if it does, it is hard to know how they will react. More than half of the men out there have never seen battle. What we need is experienced men. The others will look to them for confidence and direction and mimic their actions.”
Davros nodded. “The mercenaries Ulrick is gathering are going to be hard men and very comfortable in battle. But their loyalty is not to any man, but to power and coin,” he said, and then noticed that Jeán was coming with food.
All three men moved their arms out of the way for the plates being served at the table. Mairead went to go get mugs and the pitcher of mead while Lynnea offered food to the children and told them to eat near the hearth so that the adults could talk.
Davros bit off a chunk of meat. “Excellent. Thank you for this,” he said to Lynnea in particular. “It is much appreciated.” Then to Hamish, he said, “If you need experienced men, I know a couple of brothers who live an hour’s ride farther east who might be able to bring another dozen men. They were never part of the Foinaven’s ranks and refused to serve under Ulrick when he approached them.”
“Are you talking of the Kyldoane brothers?” Mairead asked.
Amon nodded. “I rode out there a couple days ago. They listened, but promised nothing. I think it will take you, Hamish, meeting with them directly for there to be any possibility of them joining us. But they would give us the numbers we need.”
Hamish grimaced and glanced at Mairead. There was only three to four more hours of daylight left and a possible chance of rain.
Mairead knew he was factoring her into his decision. “We should go.”
Hamish shook his head. “We won’t go. I will. You will stay here where it is warm and dry.”
Mairead shook her head. “I not only know the Kyldoanes, but I also know where they live. They are proud people, the men especially. But I have met with their wives and when they first came to the area I made sure they had food and shelter until they were able to get settled and live on their own. The men don’t know you, but their wives know me. They will at least make them listen to what you have to say.”
Hamish ran his tongue along the outside of his teeth. Mairead knew he was contemplating what she said, but he was still not convinced. “If Davros and Amon say you need to meet with them, then we should go. If we leave now, we could make it there and back before the sun goes down, but even if we have to travel the last part in the dark, I know the terrain, Hamish. And I trust you to keep us both safe.”
Hearing that last comment, Hamish studied her for several seconds. Then he inhaled and released it with a single nod. “We need to leave immediately then. And you”—he pointed at Mairead—“need your own horse.”
Amon elbowed her and said, “I have just the one you can borrow.”
Less than twenty minutes later, Hamish and Mairead were on their way.
* * *
The last of the sunlight disappeared only a half hour ago, but visibility was the equivalent to the dead of a moonless night. The expected rain had come and with more force than normal. The wind was steadily picking up and the initial drizzle had gone from annoying to a flood. Mairead was soaked and cold, but yet she felt oddly triumphant. The afternoon had been very successful.
When they arrived, the Kyldoane brothers had not been eager to listen, believing they had heard everything already from Amon. But Mairead’s presence had been as important as she predicted for it kept the first brother they encountered from ordering Hamish to turn around and leave. And that was all that Hamish needed. He only spoke a few words, but they drove right to the honor of a man and forced him to continue to listen. Mairead had felt herself similarly pulled in, wanting to hear more.
Soon the man had sent for his elder brother, who called to their cousins and some others they thought might be interested. One by one, they listened to the benefits of ridding the northern territory of Ulrick and his kind as well as the benefits and the quality of life that a peaceful Foinaven could bring to them and their families. It had taken longer than Hamish had planned to convince them to join Amon’s training, but in the end they all agreed to participate at least until Candlemas.
Deep down, however, Mairead knew that much—if not all—of the reason they agreed was because Hamish, not Robert, would be leading them. The moment Hamish left, she knew this collaboration would end. It would be up to Robert as the leader to keep them together, to rally them as Hamish had done, and encourage their loyalty and support, but she doubted it would happen. Robert just did not inspire men like these soldiers.
Mairead pushed back such thoughts and focused on the present. She had enjoyed talking with their wives and visiting with their children. Before they departed, the women made sure they left with some dried meat and drink for their journey back.
She and Hamish had made good progress at first. The path was familiar so they had thought to still make it back to Foinaven despite the darkness. But when the weather hit, it forced them to start looking for alternatives.
“I remember an empty cottage being near here,” Hamish shouted over the pelting of the rain.
Mairead did not even try to respond, but she knew the one Hamish was talking about. It was not a cottage, but more of a one-room hovel traveling merchants used when in the area. However, it was shelter and more than likely had dry firewood in it from its periodic use. Mairead pointed a finger in the direction she thought it was. Hamish nodded and twenty minutes later he was helping her off the horse and inside.
The inside was pitch-black, but Hamish somehow managed to find the fireplace, kindling, and wood and then got a fire started with some flint. Now able to see, he glanced over his shoulder and took in the place. It was just a single room, but it was larger than he had thought it to be when he had passed by it a few times riding in the area. In the corner was a stack of dry wood he was relieved to see. The one window had shutters that were closed and the roof seemed to be withstanding the storm, which alleviated his second concern. Next to the hearth was a square small table that Mairead had already used to place the bundle of food she had surprisingly been able to protect using her body and furs. Beside the table was a narrow bench, which looked to be the place’s only sitting area. And across from the fire was a bed. It was of a good size for a cottage this small, but it was still meant to only sleep one. It had been stripped bare, which was to be expected, but then his eye saw that whoever had used it last had just shoved the blankets off the end.
Seeing Mairead’s failing attempts to hide how cold she was, Hamish grimaced. “You’re shivering so much your teeth will fall out if you don’t get warm soon.” He threw two more large logs on the fire. “Come closer and take off your clothes.”
Mairead advanced a step, seeking the heat, but shook her head about the clothes.
Hamish frowned. “You’ve made your feelings about me and our future clear, but you need to get warm. If you don’t undress yourself, then I will do it for you.”
Mairead could see he was serious, plus she was freezing, so she slipped off her sodden shoes and then struggled with the ties of her gown. Her fingers were too numb to get a firm grip and Hamish came over to help her. Quickly he yanked on the ties, loosening the bliaut. He then went and grabbed one of the blankets off the floor and handed it to her. “I’m going to check on the horses and get the rest of our things. Take that off,” he said pointing at her wet gown, “and get dry.”
Mairead nodded and the moment he stepped outside she quickly pulled the bliaut off her shoulders and then laid it over the makeshift chair. She considered taking off her undergarment as well but decided the chemise was thin, would dry quickly, and she needed its pathetic protection. She then wrapped herself in the dusty MacBrieve plaid and sat in front of the fire. A moment later, Hamish reentered and she could see his face relax a little seeing that she had done as instructed. “Your turn,” she said, and quirked an eyebrow to let him know that she was serious.
“I’m fine.”
Hamish turned to open the door and Mairead realized he was planning to sleep outside. “Are you crazy? You will freeze if you go out there!”
As if to emphasize her point, a sudden burst of wind shook the cabin. Hamish looked back at her, his dark green eyes unfathomable. “The weather is far from agreeable, but I’ve slept in worse.” He had, but it was not often. Part of the structure was a stable. It had a roof, walls, and enough room he could create a small fire to keep from freezing. It would not be warm or comfortable, but it would provide a measure of protection from the wind and rain, and he could not trust himself to stay inside.
Mairead stood up and the blanket she was holding shifted. Hamish could see the chemise slide off her creamy shoulders as she reached out. “Please stay, Hamish. Do not go back out.”
“If I do that, I cannot promise to stay away from you.”
“I’m not asking for promises.”
“No, you are asking me to walk away. And I won’t be able to do that if I stay with you tonight.”