Kate welcomed the touch of Ben’s lips against hers. She’d been fighting her attraction to him since the wedding and she’d be lying if she said she didn’t want him to kiss her.

Inching towards him, her hands came up and clasped his neck, anchoring him to her. Shifting her bottom along the wooden bench, she sat close to him so he knew that she wanted his kisses and wasn’t going anywhere.

Despite the cold, his mouth was warm and the kiss was tentative, almost as though he was expecting her to pull back. But she didn’t.

He must have removed his gloves as his fingers trailed along the side of her face, making her skin tingle with need and longing. All those years ago, they’d spent hours kissing and touching each other. They’d waited a long time before they’d eventually become lovers.

She titled her head and welcomed him deepening the kiss. His hands cupped her face and for a moment it was just them kissing. The outside sounds of tourists and the city noise faded as the two of them were lost in a world of their own.

She opened her mouth, inviting and welcoming his tongue. The kisses remained romantic and playful. There was no deep longing but rather a remembrance of a time past when all they did was kiss.

Her fingers crept up to his head and she ran them through his short hair.

His lips left hers and he left a trail of soft kisses down her ear and along her jaw line. “Your skin is so soft,” she heard him murmur.

With little effort, he hoisted her onto his lap so that her legs dangled across his and he continued to kiss her. Forgetting they were in a public place and anyone could see them, Kate relished every second of their kisses and how special he made her feel.

He pulled back and looked at her. Her arms came around his neck and he held her tight.

“That was beautiful,” she whispered in his ear. It had been. She’d forgotten how special it could be…just kissing.

She breathed in his scent, lemony and so male. Her body ached for more, wanting to go to her apartment and spend the rest of the night rediscovering each other.

Could she confess that she’d never forgotten about him? Had compared the few lovers she’d had, with him?

Sex was something she just did, a release. She didn’t have time for a lasting relationship. Her work life consumed her. And that was all true. But the reality was, she hadn’t forgotten her first love. And now, in a romantic setting, kissing and holding each other, she realised that she’d held back with her boyfriends, and had never allowed them close.

Of late, she’d focussed on short-term partners which involved quickies with little or no romance.

She’d justified her behaviour by saying that she was busy, but now she knew the truth. She was missing Ben. Was it possible for them to reconnect? Could they find a way to see if they had a future together? Was it too late?

Her heart swelled with unsung emotion. Thanks to Lisa, they’d come back together and had an opportunity to try again, but this time they were adults. It would be different now, it would be better.

Opening her mouth to speak, Ben pressed his finger against her lips.

“Kissing you was beautiful and I’m sorry if I’ve upset you.” His finger brushed along the skin between her eyes. “You’ve got worry lines here. We can’t change the past, but we can change our future.”

Her chest filled with joy knowing he felt the same as her. They could try again. Find love as adults?

“You didn’t upset me,” she started to say.

“I think we should be friends,” he said, with a reassuring tone, before kissing her nose.

In that split second, she actually felt her heart tear into two pieces. A sob strangled her vocal chords and she stared at him, unable to believe that he wanted to be just friends.

With difficulty she nodded, not trusting herself.

With ease, he lifted her from his lap, so she sat next to him on the bench. While tugging his gloves on, he said, “You have a life in this city, the life you’ve always dreamed about. And you were right about me, I couldn’t leave my family to move here.” He looked at her with raw emotion in his blue eyes. “As much as I can’t believe I’m saying this, you were right to have left me. I would’ve held you back and I’m glad you found your place. But this is not where I want to be.”

He stood and helped her to a standing position.

“I thought our kiss meant something to you. It did to me,” she said, her chest sore and aching from the pain of rejection.

“It did, and that’s the problem.” He paused and tucked a tendril of hair behind her ear. “I’m avoiding any future heartache by ending things now. You’ve been honest with me and I’m thankful so I’m being honest back.” He paused. “I don’t want to get involved with you, knowing it’s not what you want,” he added with regret.

“But…”

He raised his hand, his palm facing her. “It’s time to close this between us,” he said with determination, his eyes focussed on her. “You have this incredible career and opportunity to work in the US. I could never live here, plus I have responsibilities waiting for me back home.”

She itched to argue with him, but her gut told her he was right. Apart from the practicalities of visas, he could never live away from his family and the people he cared about. She knew that.

Her lungs deflated in defeat and she knew that even if they could let go of the past, one of them would have to give up their life for the other. And that wouldn’t be a good starting point for their relationship.

“You’re right,” she said in a tight voice. She made a show of fiddling with her hat and gloves before she walked with him back to the others.

Chatter swirled around her, as the relatives spoke together about the sights and beauty of the visit.

Lisa came up to them, a wide smile across her lips. “We’re going to a nearby deli. You joining us?”

Kate sighed. “Sorry, Lisa, I really have to go. I left work early but need to go home and read some papers.”

A look of concern crossed Lisa’s eyes. “Of course, I’m so happy you could join us.”

“I’m very excited about your news,” she said. “You’re simply glowing.”

Lisa placed a protective hand over the tiny swell of her belly. “I’m so lucky, no morning sickness. But then I’m bursting with happiness, having everyone here. I suspect I’ll be quite low next week when everyone returns to Australia.”

“You’ll have Ben here,” Kate said, giving him a playful punch to the arm.

Lisa looped her arm through his. “My brilliant cousin who’s helping me out.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before rifling through her pocket. Handing him a clean tissue she said with a smirk, “You may want to wipe the lipstick off. Pink’s not your colour.”

Ben’s eyes widened, before grabbing the tissue and rubbing his mouth with it.

Kate felt her tummy tumble all the way to the ground with embarrassment.

* * *

After ensuring Kate found a cab to take her home, Ben joined the family but he just couldn’t focus on the conversation around him. He continually asked people to repeat their comment or question and eventually withdrew into his own thoughts.

Toying with his bowl of chicken soup, he relived each moment of their shared kisses. It had been as wonderful and special as he’d hoped it would be.

Kate had kept her hair long, which he loved, despite it being strangled in a high ponytail. She was still beautiful with high cheekbones, soft lips and curves that he itched to touch.

He had ached to go back with her, back to her apartment and back to a time when they’d spent hours kissing and sharing secrets.

But time had changed both of them, and despite him wanting her with a need of hunger and want, he pushed it aside and focused on all the reasons why they couldn’t be together. It was better this way, he reassured himself.

If he opened himself to love again, and Kate wasn’t ready or prepared to make sacrifices for them to be together, then his heart would be decimated yet again.

Besides, she may not feel the way he did. He wasn’t prepared to take a chance. Not again.

“You’re wasting good food,” his aunt admonished him, with the cluck of her tongue and a gentle tap of her spoon against his hand. “Eat your soup.”

He gave her a mock salute and made a show of finishing the tureen of soup.

* * *

The family gatherings continued, and Lisa invited Kate to all of them, but there was always a good reason why she couldn’t attend. They all focussed on her busy work schedule and Ben wondered if she really was that busy or if she was avoiding him. Probably a combination of both.

A few days later when his family had returned to Australia and the craziness of the past two weeks had settled, he and Lisa were sprawled on the couch in her apartment, considering financial options, for the soup kitchen, that relied less on fundraising and more on being self-sufficient.

“We’re leaving in a couple of weeks”

Ben raised his hand, palm facing her. “I know, I know. You have Charlotte and Andrew’s wedding. I’ll be fine,” he reassured her for the hundredth time. “You’re only away for ten days. How much trouble do you think I can get into?” He made a show of looking around the large, high-ceiling Manhattan apartment. “This place is amazing. I’ll be very happy living here while you’ll be away.”

“You’ll be missing the l’chaim”

He waved her concerns away, with a flick of his wrist. “It’s fine, I was at your wedding. I think I can miss the catch up back home.” He paused. “I’ll stay here and work while you enjoy time with your friends, in Melbourne, in summer,” he added with a playful tone.

Lisa ignored him with a sniff before lifting her laptop onto her lap. “We’ve covered Christmas and New Year’s Eve. I’ve got enough staff rostered on and I’ll leave my cell phone behind so you can use it. It’ll be cheaper than you paying international roaming rates. We’ll organise a pre-paid cell phone when I get back.”

He rubbed his hands together. “Can I make heaps of long distance calls and do pranks?”

Her eyes narrowed and she made a show of pretending to be annoyed at him. “No.”

“Are you going to see Kate soon? Or while we’re not here?” She asked innocently, but he knew his cousin. Her questions were never innocent.

“Lisa, you’ve just married the man of your dreams, you’re pregnant and have stars in your eyes. Not everyone gets to have what you have. You, of all people, should know that,” he said. He didn’t need her needling him about Kate. He’d already dealt with his parent’s raised eyebrows and looks of concern.

“I’m sorry, Ben. I found love at Chanukah with Gabe, and when we were at the Empire State building and you two looked so guilty, I had hoped something was going on. Obviously something had been going on, with you wearing her lipstick.”

“Don’t remind me,” he said.

“I had hoped that something special and magical could happen to you. You’re such a nice guy,” she said with the sincerity of someone who always saw the best in everyone around her. No wonder everyone liked her.

“Don’t remind me about how nice I am.” He spat out the word nice. “I’ve decided that nice guys finish last and that women want the bad boys, not someone like me.” He crossed his arms in defiance, hoping to shut her up.

It didn’t work.

She waved her hand in the air to dismiss him. “Don’t be ridiculous. My “bad boy” back at home was banging someone on the side. No thanks. I’ll take a nice guy any day.”

“I’m going to miss you,” he said with sincerity. He loved Lisa like a sister and was dreading when they would be living on opposite sides of the world. “I know I can ring, but it’s not the same as watching a movie with you or playing pool.”

“You’ll just have to come and visit.” She placed a hand on her belly. “You’ll have a good reason to next year.”

He closed his tired eyes and leaned back into the softness of the leather sofa. No longer able to pretend his lack of sleep was from jet-lag, he’d finally admitted to himself that he was missing Kate. And that was the reason he needed to stay away.

What would happen if they got involved again and she dumped him…again? His heart couldn’t take it.

“This so-called magic of Chanukah that appeared for you, is not going to happen for me. Besides, the festival is over. Maybe next year, and in Australia, something magical will happen?” He offered with a grin.

She hurled a cushion at him, missing his head by an inch.

“You were always lousy at cricket,” he tossed at her.

Her eyes narrowed and she placed her laptop on the nearby table. “I’m going to get you,” she said stalking towards him. “I was brilliant at backyard cricket and you know it.”

“You were the weakest link,” he teased, because even though she was the best player, he always enjoyed mocking her.

In a split second, she’d jumped and landed on him. Her weight winded him and for a moment, he was back in Melbourne when they spent time together. After a few whacks to the head with a soft pillow, she pretended to smother him with a throw.

“If you weren’t my wife’s favourite cousin, I’d be throwing you off the balcony,” an American male voice filled the room.

Lisa gave her cousin another slap with a nearby pillow before jumping up to throw her arms around her husband. “You’re home early,” she kissed him on the mouth. Gabe’s hands supported her bottom, her legs scissored around his waist and she clung to him. A few steamy kisses later and Ben expected to see them making love on the carpet.

“Either you two take it to the bedroom, or I’m going out,” he said, his neck warming at the sight of his cousin getting so hot and heavy with her husband in full view of him.

“Sorry, Ben,” Lisa said over her shoulder before returning her attention back to her husband and passionately kissing him.

Gabe carried her to their bedroom and the door slammed shut.

Bugger. He didn’t need to be around all this mush and love. Best to get out. Grabbing a set of keys, his coat, scarf and beanie, he walked out of the luxurious apartment, desperate to get away.

It was cold outside and Ben wandered aimlessly around the streets, not interested in food, shopping or his surroundings. Everyone seemed to have something to do, somewhere to go or someone to meet. He had no one.

The temptation to go and clean dishes at the Helping Hand Café enticed him, and he started to walk in the direction of the soup kitchen. His bad mood was compounded by his loneliness in the city. In Melbourne, he had plenty of friends and family. But here in New York, he only had Lisa and Gabe.

And since they were busy, he would have to kill some time walking around. Normally he’d be amused by the situation but today he wasn’t. His gaze took in the seasonal lights and he admired the holiday decorations that lined the streets. Couples, holding hands, passed him and they seemed to mock him and his aloneness. He wanted to shout out, yes, I’m alone, but that’s not my fault.

He was a nice guy, the one who donated his time to charity, was surrounded by a loving family and helped those in need.

Looking at his watch, he gave the face a snarl. He’d only been gone for twenty minutes and he expected the newlyweds to be busy for some time longer.

The winter cold ate through his clothes and into his soul. He needed company and something to do. An idea came to him. He’d find a pub and hang out with some other guys. Surely there was someplace in this massive city where he could watch sports and have a beer with some men.

He trudged on, desperately hoping to find some refuge.