“This is inexcusable. You can’t just quit. Try harder.”

Maddie popped her head in the doorway, rolling her eyes. “Gage, she’s two fucking years old,” she chastised me.

I clapped my hands over my niece’s ears. “Madeline! She can hear you!”

“She can hear you too. We all can, and you sound ridiculous trying to motivate a toddler.”

“Ignore Auntie Maddie, Lily. She’s just jealous that she doesn’t have a magic toilet.”

My girlfriend smirked. “Yes, Lily-bean. He saves all his best technology for you now.”

That wasn’t entirely true. I’d developed a particularly interesting app that turned Madeline’s smartphone into a kind of pocket rocket, and I didn’t hear her complaining about that. Moaning, yes—but in a good way.

Lily looked up at me with questioning brown eyes, and I dropped my hands from the silky hair around her ears.

“What’s going on?” My sister joined Madeline in the doorway to the bathroom, her face flashing into a smile at the sight of her daughter on the floor.

“He’s Gaging her.”

What? I was a verb now?

“Brian, give it a rest. She’ll go when she’s ready. Right, baby?”

Lily beamed up at her mother, then proudly peed on the floor where I was kneeling. I wanted to bang my head against the tile, but was afraid of getting urine in my hair.

I’d spent three months creating this program that played peppy music and personal messages when the potty receptacle thing got wet, and the only thing I had to show for it were tears of frustration.

It was tempting to sob into the damn thing just so I could hear “Great job!”

“Great job!” Bobbie said indulgently to the trickle monster beside me. Lily clapped her hands and giggled, then sat on my thigh. Ew.

“What the hell do you mean? She just peed on the floor!”

“No, she peed on you. That’s awesome.” She high-fived Madeline.

Maddie nodded in agreement. The two were thick as thieves, which was appropriate since Madeline had stolen my heart nearly three years ago. I gave them a withering look, but they just laughed harder.

“Savages,” I muttered.

“Here, I’ll clean her up.” Bobbie came in and I patted Lily on the head awkwardly before leaving the bathroom with a big wet mark on my pants.

Maddie burst out in giggles again. “You should see the look on your face.”

“Marry me.”

“I can’t, you have pee on you.”

It was an ongoing joke—I asked her to marry me, and she came up with a ridiculous excuse. She still teased me about my stuffiness, even though I was a little more understanding now of the difference between excuses and reasons.

It had started about a year before, when I was tired of pinning her down only to the mattress. Or the floor. Or the kitchen counter. Or my desk. I wanted to pin her down permanently, legally.

But the joke was becoming less funny and more awkward. Her rejection was coming slower these days, which meant she was either getting ready to say yes, or getting ready to move out. I was praying it was the former rather than the latter.

Persuading her to move in with me had been easy. All I had to do was give her a book of paint chips. Getting her to marry me was like… eating spaghetti with a whisk while blindfolded.

One of these days I wouldn’t accept her lame excuse for refusing my proposal. I leaned in to kiss her, the slight tension in her shoulders easing under my hands.

“I need fresh pants,” I announced.

To her credit, she didn’t make a dirty joke. “Ask Aaron.”

My best friend slash brother-in-law was out back tending the grill with the single-minded determination of, well, me. When I found him, he was trying searing the steak with his eyes.

“A watched steak never grills, man.”

“Meat on fire, bro—that’s all you need. I was just brainstorming a new slogan.”

“Such as?” I handed him one of the two bottles of beer I’d grabbed from the fridge on my way out, taking a drink from the other.

“Come try our poles?”

I spit out my beer. “What?”

“You know, ski poles, hiking poles.”

“That’s terrible. Jesus, what happened to you?”

Aaron lifted the steak to look at the underside. “Have you heard of Mommy brain? I think I have Daddy brain.”

I snorted. “You’ve lost your mind.”

“Yeah, true dat.” His grin stretched into a blinding smile when Bobbie came out the back door with Lily in her arms.

It hadn’t always been peaceful for them. Bobbie went back to work at the lodge at four months pregnant, when the ski season really got underway. The manager promised she’d be working strictly indoors, low-key guest services stuff. Aaron drove up on the weekends to be with her, but after two months I took him to a bar on a Tuesday night and got him wasted.

It was Maddie’s idea but I wasn’t blind. I could see that he was totally exhausted, physically and mentally. He was driving four hours to the mountains on Friday nights, then four hours back on Sundays after dinner.

The boss in me was pissed off that he wasn’t committing to his work for Apptitude, but the friend in me knew that something had to give—and it was probably going to be me.

“She says sh’okay, but I think she’s scared,” Aaron slurred. “Shit man, I’m scared. I don’t know nothing ‘bout babies.”

When we were younger I’d envied Aaron his only child status. Now I saw the downside. He didn’t even have any cousins. By the end of the night, I was trying to lug his sauced, six foot five, linebacker ass out to a cab, and formulating a plan to help them out.

In the end I let him stay a week at the lodge, virtually commuting from there, as long as he could be in the city the next week. So he rotated and lived out of a suitcase. But it was good for him, good for Bobbie, and not totally disastrous for the company—thanks to Madeline, who took over a lot of Aaron’s work at the office.

They made it through the winter like deliriously happy but busy squirrels, while Maddie and I did our best to hibernate, until Bobbie’s water broke a month early. Thankfully the village down the mountain from the lodge had more amenities than just a wood-burning pizza place—it also had a decent hospital. Or so I heard.

Lily Charlotte was small but scrappy, and Maddie told me that she was a beautiful mix of both her parents, with strong fingers and the vocal range to match after she visited one weekend.

She and my mother car-pooled once or twice to go see them, which freaked me out. I was sure they talked about me the entire way, but I didn’t have the guts to ask what was said.

But in an immature fit of passive-aggressive avoidance, I didn’t go see Bobbie and Aaron or the baby for two months. My mother left messages for me every day. My girlfriend didn’t go down on me for six weeks and four days.

It was a fucking nightmare.

But it was my nightmare, and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It did when Aaron announced he wasn’t coming back.

“What do you mean, you’re not coming back? It’s a fancy hotel, it’s not fucking Mordor!”

I made a mental note at the time—develop an app that allows you to feel some kind of satisfaction in angrily hanging up on somebody with your smartphone. Jabbing a red dot to end the call just didn’t have the same effect.

He was serious, however, and later on that evening it was Madeline who had to pour me out of the bar.

Apparently my flighty sister had knocked the manager’s socks of that winter, essentially working herself into an assistant GM position—after a few months off of maternity leave, that was. Wanting to keep Bobbie, the GM had offered Aaron a job heading up the resort’s marketing and promotions. And they gave them a little chalet-type townhouse on the property, in a cluster where other year-round staff member were also housed.

It was a hard offer for them to turn down. Bobbie was finally happy in a job and doing well, and even with the pay cut Aaron was excited about being with her and living “on the land.” I reminded him they weren’t pioneers. For god’s sake, the lodge’s restaurant had a foie gras appetizer.

Madeline finally dragged me out there to see the baby when the kid was about three months old. I was less than impressed at having to leave the office for the whole weekend, and more than a little reluctant to even get out of the car.

But while six weeks and four days without a blowjob hurt, I wasn’t about to call her bluff on her threat to cut me off entirely. So I grumbled and shuffled behind her to their door, like a recalcitrant thirteen year-old visiting their grandparents.

Bobbie looked tired but strangely content, and Aaron was like a caffeine-powered zombie. Their little chalet reeked of baby shit, despite all the open windows, and some weird plastic smell that Madeline told me came from the diapers. It made sense, since a baby store apparently threw up in there. Cases of diapers were stacked up like towers, and I was frankly surprised that the baby wasn’t crated up like the Ark of the Covenant.

I crossed my arms over my chest and watched the three of them act like idiots for this little creature that looked like Baby Luma from Super Mario.

“Lily, this is your Uncle Brain. He might use you to take over the world. Again.”

My nose scrunched up. “Really, Pinky?”

“Absolutely.”

“I think you lost some brain cells with the placenta.”

Yes, I knew what a placenta was, thanks to Madeline, who had delighted in grossing me out by feeding me information through my sister’s whole pregnancy. She had considered it some kind of immersion therapy, I think.

Now, out on the back deck with the valley peeking through the tall pine trees, I had to admit that the immersion therapy had worked. Well, I was here anyhow. And I was damp.

“Can I borrow some shorts or something? Your progeny used me as toilet paper.”

Aaron glanced down at the big wet spot on my khakis and gave me a shit-eating grin. I gave him the finger.

“Way ahead of you,” Maddie called as she stepped outside with a pair of what looked like black athletic shorts in her hand. “Bobbie let me go through your drawers.”

Now it was Aaron’s turn to choke on his beer. I took the shorts, grateful to see they had a drawstring at the waist.

I dropped a kiss on her lips. “Marry me.”

“I can’t, I wanna have a steak first.” Madeline stuck her talented tongue out at me before scooping Lily out of Bobbie’s arms.

Foiled again.

“Uh oh, Lily-bean! You’re getting so big; I don’t know if I can hang on. I might drop you!”

Lily squealed at the prospect of her favorite game. My girlfriend held her in her arms, swaying gently and cooing before suddenly dropping into a deep squat. It was like the toddler version of the Drop of Doom.

Bobbie smiled at them while Aaron tried to use X-ray vision on the steaks again. I took the opportunity to go inside and change. I was in my boxer briefs in my sister’s bedroom when Maddie waltzed in and dropped Lily on the bed like a pile of giggling laundry.

I couldn’t fight my own indulgent smile when Maddie flopped on the bed beside Lily and leaned over to let our niece grab her auburn hair. It was a little harder now that she’d cut it to shoulder length, but I loved that it was still enough to pull her head back with when I was driving into her from behind.

Madeline tilted her head up to me then shielded Lily’s eyes, her own wide with alarm. “Gage! Seriously?”

I looked down at the tent in my briefs and shrugged. “I can’t control it.” It was a naturally occurring phenomenon when I was around her. Like the tides.

“You’re kidding, right? Mister No Excuses? You control everything.”

Lily tittered and covered her own eyes, thinking Maddie was playing hide and seek. Oh, to be two years old again and have no object permanence.

The smile on my gorgeous girlfriend’s face was faintly stained with sadness as she cuddled her.

She still didn’t know what to make of her biological mother’s decision to abandon her, and she’d stopped looking for her. Out of sight, out of mind. Her adopted mother was relieved and frankly, so was I. And thankfully therapy was covered by company’s health insurance.

“I can’t control you,” I pointed out, pulling up the borrowed shorts. At least my t-shirt was free of bodily fluids.

“You’re not kidding,” she mumbled. There was an odd tone in her voice that made me look at her more closely. It wasn’t exactly a hardship.

I never got tired of looking at Madeline, even when she had clothes on—such as the simple and easily removable peasant skirt and tank top that she was currently wearing. She was beautiful and sassy and never failed to tell me when I was being an arrogant asshole. She was also smart and funny and, well, up for anything.

A long time ago she’d told me that I made her feel safe, and the pride and pleasure that elicited in me was greater than the day our stock went public.

Her gaze was focused on Lily, who had fallen asleep on the bed. It must have been nap time, or close to it. Or maybe we’d just worn her out with all the acrobatics and potty training.

Goddamn, I wished that kid would get on board with my magic potty program! She was making me look bad.

The bed bounced a little as I knelt on it and leaned over Lily’s little body to capture Madeline’s lips in a kiss.

“What was that for?”

“I just love you.”

“Weirdo.” But she kissed me back, with tongue. God, I loved her.

With the collar of my t-shirt clutched in her fist, she led me around the bed. She sat up straight as I stood beside her, her head conveniently close to my crotch.

“Hmmm, these don’t stay up very well on you, do they?” she said, plucking at mesh fabric.

“Well, I have to tight—”

My words and thoughts rocked to a halt when she tugged gently on the waistband and the shorts dropped to my ankles.

“Ooops.” She smirked up at me. Her hand cupped my semi, making me groan. Oh Jesus, I loved the way she touched me.

I checked on Lily, who had her thumb in her mouth and was probably dreaming about puppies or graham crackers, or whatever two year olds dreamt about.

My hands cradled Maddie’s face. “Baby, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but this is not the best time for a blowjob.” I really hated saying it. I felt a genuine crushing feeling in my chest with the words.

The laugh burst out of her chest so hard that she snorted. She slapped her hand over her mouth, probably partly in embarrassment and partly to avoid waking up Lily. But in that quiet room, with smells from the grill coming in through the window and my niece snoring on the bed, I felt absolute peace.

I looked her in the eye, done with her excuses. “Marry me.”

“I can’t, I’m preg—”

I held up my hand to interrupt her, rolling my eyes. “No, this time I won’t accept it. I’ve had enough. ‘I can’t, I have to wash my hair.’ ‘I can’t, I need to finish this book.’ ‘I can’t, you smell like pee.’ That’s it. I’m done with the excuses.”

Her eyes widened.

“Come on, Madeline.” My hands were propped on my hips and the pitch of my voice rose as I mocked her. “‘I can’t, I’m preg—wait, what did you say?”

“I’m pregnant.”

She was smiling, but also gnawing on her lip nervously. I felt like there was a balloon in my chest, slowly filling up and ready to burst. Part of me wanted to puke, and the other part of me wanted to drag her back to our room at the main lodge and fuck her senseless.

We were completely still, encased in carbonite. Her blink was the only movement in the room; Lily’s snuffles the only sound. My mouth opened but no sound came out.

“Gage, say something. Please.” She rose on her knees, her hands wrapped around my forearms. “I know it wasn’t planned and I’m not quite sure what happened. Maybe that time you suspended me upside down—”

“With a baby?”

“No, with a very small racehorse. That’s why I have to pee like one.”

“Excuse me?”

She put her arms around my waist, her voice low. “Poor Gage.”

My brain was scrambled. Baby. Racehorse. Lily. Diapers. When my brain came back to me—albeit in bits and pieces—I noticed the fear shadowing her eyes. What, did she think I would abandon her? That I’d be angry?

“I’m sorry,” I said. Madeline—the queen of effective communication—took it the wrong way, her eyes filling with tears.

“No no no! I’m happy, sort of.”

She tilted her head back then her breath hitched as I lifted her off the bed to stand her up.

“Sort of?” A sniff escaped her.

“Well, it’s kind of a shock. Give me some time to process it.”

Her gaze fell to my chest. “Yeah, right. Okay.” Her voice sounded as tight and dark as the charcoal briquettes turning to ash outside.

I was fucking this up, royally. I looked over at Lily. She wasn’t so bad. A mini-Madeline…? Hmmm.

I wrapped myself around Madeline like bubble wrap, until you couldn’t fit a coherent thought between us, much less a piece of paper. Squeezed.

“Mmph.”

The balloon in my chest popped, my heartbeat floating up to the sky.

“You’re going to marry me.” I couldn’t wait, and I didn’t care how bossy I sounded.

“Because of the itty bitty racehorse?” she asked quietly.

I tilted her chin up to look her in the eyes. “Because I love you so fucking much that my heart aches with it right now. And we need a doll to put in our dollhouse. And I need to perfect that damn potty.”

“Are those excuses?” Her eyes narrowed, but the corner of her mouth perked up.

“Madeline, I don’t need an excuse to marry you. You are the reason. And a damn good one at that.”