Anna

“Can I ask you a question?” Adam asked.

I shoved my plate across the breakfast bar, entirely too full from the delicious food Adam had bought at a local restaurant and brought up to my hotel room. We’d had heaping mashed potatoes flooded in gravy with filet mignon rubbed in a raspberry sauce. It was the first time I’d been delivered filet in a box, yet it had been one of the most delicious pieces of meat I’d ever eaten. And in Kentucky we know how to make steak.

“Um. Sure.” He had been asking me questions all week, but I was pretty sure he left out some major details whenever he shared bits and pieces of his past.

This was our fourth night of hiding in my hotel room acting like a couple. The evenings were glorious—we’d talk, drink, eat, and tangle our bodies beneath the sheets . . . But he’d only stay a few hours before disappearing into the night. I didn’t ask where he was going or where he’d been. I wasn’t sure if it was my place to push. All I knew was that the limited amount of time we spent together was pure bliss.

He shifted on his barstool, facing me. His hand slipped up over mine, which was resting on the counter. “Are you happy?”

His question had me blinking. “You mean with you?”

He shook his head no. “In general.” A puff of air escaped his lips, and I noticed a strain in the muscles beneath the fabric of his gray, V-neck sweater as he lifted himself tall.

Was I happy? I wasn’t sure if anyone had ever really asked me that. Or if anyone other than my family or best friends back home cared. I looked up at the ceiling as I thought. When people ask questions like that, it’s because they’re having doubts about their own lives, I thought. So I deflected. “Are you happy?”

“When I’m with you I am. But I’ve made mistakes in my life, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to be someone different. Someone I’m not.”

My eyes flashed to his, searching for the meaning of his words. “And what’s wrong with the ‘someone’ you are?”

He swallowed and dragged his palms down his face, releasing a soft hiss. “I’m not who you think I am, Anna.” He rose to his feet, shoving his hands in the pockets of his black slacks.

Was he about to tell me the truth? I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear it. I didn’t know if I could handle it if the version of Adam I’d created in my mind shattered.

No, I wasn’t ready to know. I needed more time before he delivered the blow. I might not be able to withstand what he would say.

I scrambled to think about ways to stall him.

My ex, Jax, came to mind. He’d texted me again the other day. That reminded me—I needed to get in touch with my mother. I had to figure out how he’d gotten my number.

“My past is an ugly truth. I’m not as innocent as you paint me out to be.” I was standing in front of him now, and my arms wrapped around my chest as I realized I was about to tell someone about Jax for the first time in my life. A man I’d known for three weeks, no less.

His eyes narrowed at me, and a sudden flash of nervousness swept across the features of his face. Maybe he didn’t want to hear the truth, either. Maybe he didn’t want to lose the image of me he’d been holding up so high.

My stomach quaked, and I went over to the couch and sat down, waiting for Adam to either approach or sit next to me. I rubbed my hands on my jeaned thighs as I thought about the right words. Maybe there were no ‘right’ words.

So I started the only way I knew how—from the beginning.

“After high school, I worked on my parents’ horse farm. I didn’t think I’d ever go to college because of the costs, so for two years I stayed home.”

He moved in front of me, his hands still in his pockets, his face an unreadable mask.

“Eventually, I decided that as much as I love horses, the farm would never be enough for me. I admire my mother, but I wanted more—to travel, mostly.” To follow my dreams. “So I went to a community college outside of town and earned my associate’s degree. Then I was accepted into a four-year school so I could complete my bachelor’s.” I waved my hand in the air, nervous energy spilling inside of me. “The neighboring horse farm—my parent’s best friends—well, their son, Jax, had been asking me out since I was fifteen. I’d always insisted we stay friends. He was a couple years older than me, so it never felt right.” I sucked in a breath and released it. “When I went away to college, though, everything was so different. Life was fast-paced, there. Intense. Everyone was sleeping around and partying . . . and there I was—a twenty-two-year-old virgin in total shock.”

His hands slipped free of his pockets, and he roped a hand around the back of his neck as he studied me.

“I went on a few dates in college, but the guys always put pressure on me really early on. Maybe they saw me as a challenge?” I shrugged.

His chest inflated.

I held my hand out in front of me. “It’s not what you might be thinking. I wasn’t—you know . . .”

But his stance didn’t change. His face was still hard, and his eyes were growing darker.

“My best friend, Layla, spilled the beans to Jax about the guys at school. At the start of my senior year, Jax came and visited me. I was actually relieved at the idea of dating him. We’d known each other all our lives and we’d been friends. But a few months into our relationship I realized he was different as a boyfriend.”

I tried to swallow the lump of unease in my throat. “Jax became possessive. He was extremely jealous . . . and even more so once we had sex.” My cheeks heated at the word.

“Jax would show up during the week to visit me by surprise. I’d need to study, or I’d have plans with my friends, and he’d want me to drop everything for him. He even made me quit my waitressing job.”

He remained silent, his eyes on me, his breath steady and controlled.

“The first time he raised his fist at me was when he thought I’d been flirting with some guy at a party. He didn’t actually hit me, and he’d been drinking, so I brushed it off.”

I looked down and noticed that Adam’s hands were clenched at his sides. “The next time, he slapped me. It wasn’t that hard, but it was shocking. To be hit by someone who claims to love you,” I said with a slight tremble to my voice, “is hard to believe. But when he apologized the next day, I’d almost thought I had dreamt it. How could Jax have hit me? I’d known him all my life.”

I rubbed my hand over my face. Thoughts of the past came to my mind.

Jax’s dark, angry stare. His breath on my face as he would hold a hand high above me.

My shoulders began to shake, and it wasn’t until Adam knelt before me, his hands pulling mine inside his, that I was able to talk again.

“The truth is ugly, Adam, and I’m not so innocent. I let it happen to me.”

“No.” His voice was quick and deep. “Hell no.” He tightened his grip on my hands.

“I never realized he’d had a drinking problem. But the more I think back . . . even when we were teens he’d always have a drink in his hands.” I laughed a little, a nervous, embarrassed laugh. “I thought I could fix him, though. When I confronted him about his drinking one weekend, he denied it. He gave me some story, and I wanted to believe him. But then the next time he got drunk and accused me of being too friendly to a guy at my dorm . . .” I shut my eyes. “After each slap or punch, he’d apologize and beg forgiveness. And sometimes I’d try and leave him, but he’d sucker me back, making me think I wasn’t good enough for anyone else. I needed him, he’d say. But when he hurt me this past June, I promised myself that was it.”

Adam’s hand was on my cheek, while his other hand was still wrapped around one of mine. It was strange how it only took one touch from him to calm me down. “It was right after graduation, and I told him I wanted to find a job outside of Kentucky. He completely lost it. He wrapped his hands around my throat and shoved me to the ground. His hands were so tight around my neck, and I thought that was it—I was going to die. And it would serve me right for staying with him so long.”

“Jesus.” He came up next to me on the couch and pulled me against him in one swift movement, tucking my head to his chest, holding me there in place for a few minutes as I allowed the tears to break free. Tears I had kept hidden from everyone else, but now I was shredding the silence. I’d almost begun to believe I’d imagined it all, that it never happened, but the texts from Jax this week had served as a harsh dose of reality. This time, I hadn’t been prepared for the blow. I’d allowed myself to think I could be safe in Dublin, that I could make my past disappear.

I pulled away and pressed my hands to his chest. His heart hammered beneath my shaky palms. “I’m weak. I’m not this headstrong girl I sometimes pretend to be. It’s a lie.”

He lowered his head, his eyes snapping shut.

“I decided I needed to get away, and going to another state didn’t feel far enough. Jax wouldn’t accept that we were broken up. I freaking ran away to Ireland. Yes, I wanted to follow my dreams, but I really just wanted to escape him.” I cleared my throat as I swiped at the tears on my face. My eyes stung as my mascara got wet. “You should fire me.”

“Anna,” he rasped as his blue eyes flashed open to greet mine, “I’m no saint, but you’re about as good as they come. You were trapped and controlled by that arsehole. And you did what you had to do to get away from him, and I never for one second want you to believe that I’d think any less of you for what you told me.” His voice was deep and yet warm, breaking with emotion. “You are strong.” He touched a hand to my chest, placing it firmly over my heart. “I don’t give a bloody hell about the job. It brought you here to me, and that’s all that matters.”

“But—”

He cocked his head, a smile threatening his lips. “What did I tell you about saying ‘but’?”

I almost laughed. He just made me feel so easy in a way that no one else could. But I remembered he had secrets, too. And even though he knew the truth about me now, I still wasn’t prepared to let go of whatever this forbidden thing was between us.

“So?”

“So . . . now I cancel my plans for tonight, and we sit in front of the TV. Or I make you a bath. What might make you feel better?”

What had his plans been so late at night, anyway? But I didn’t really want to know.

“You make me feel better,” I whispered.

His eyes steadied on mine, a deep emotion brewing beneath the surface. His lips drew into a straight line as the muscles in his neck flexed. I wasn’t sure if it was because of what I had told him, or because of what he was holding back from telling me. Either way, there was a subtle change in him.

“You have no idea what you do to me,” he answered in a husky voice.

* * *

That Friday morning, I stared at Adam’s text again, even as I cursed myself for being distracted while working with Rick on our project. But I couldn’t help it.

I’m cutting out of work early. Go out with your mates tonight. Have fun. You deserve it.

A weird pull of unease slipped inside of me as I thought about the friends Adam was seeing this weekend—friends he didn’t want me around. Was he lying to me? Was it really about those guys who’d scared me to pieces outside of Les’s?

I tucked my phone back into my purse and nudged Rick in the side. “I think you have this job in the bag. You’re lucky they’re selecting people individually and not based on our partnership,” I joked.

Rick looked over at me out of the corner of his eye. “Maybe,” he said with a smile, “because your head has been somewhere else this week.”

Shit, he’d noticed? Or was he kidding?

“What you need is a good craic.” The word craic sounded like ‘crack,’ but it just meant having a bit of fun with the mates. If I hadn’t heard it before today I might have been seriously concerned about Rick.

“Oh yeah?”

Well, I had no plans with Adam.

“The group is going out for a pint tonight,” he lifted his shoulders and squinted one eye, “or maybe two or three, at Hannigan’s Pub. And tomorrow I have secret plans.” He waggled his brows.

“Ohh.” I chuckled. “Count me in, then! I assume the lovely Narisa is joining us?”

“Aye.”

“Maybe the both of you will get the positions. That way Narisa can stay in Ireland.”

Rick shifted back in his seat, and I wanted to kick myself for ruining his mood. Clearly he didn’t need a reminder that the woman he was dating was possibly only here for a few more months.

I had already accepted that I would be going home in December. There was no way I could in good conscience take a position at the company given my relationship with Adam. I toyed with the idea of telling John to count me out, but I also wasn’t ready to leave yet, either.

And where would I go? Back to Kentucky where Jax was waiting?

“I need to make a call.” I’d been putting off this call all week.

“Sure.”

I left the conference room and ducked inside another one around the corner and shut the door. I moved over to the window and peered down below as the branches danced back and forth to the strong winds outside.

“Anna. Finally!” my mom answered after one ring.

“Hi, Mom.”

“I wish you’d called five minutes earlier.”

“Oh yeah? Why?”

“Oh, Jax came over to visit, and we were having coffee. He would have loved to talk to you. He misses you, Anna.”

I wrapped an arm around my stomach as my shoulders shrank. “Why were you having coffee with Jax? We aren’t together anymore, Mom. Can you please put some distance between—”

“Anna! I’ve known Jax since he was born. Don’t be ridiculous.” She was quiet for a moment. “I don’t know why you broke up, but Jax is good stock. He’s a decent man. A good, hardworking man.”

My teeth were clenched tight, my voice cut off. The truth jammed in my throat. I would probably never bring myself to say the words I needed to. How could I tell my mother that Jax, the good ole’ Southern boy she admired, had wrapped his hands around my throat, only stopping before I lost consciousness.

“Is that how he got my new number? You gave it to him?”

“What’s the big deal? Can’t you give Jax a second chance? You’re destined to be together—I just know it.”

My insides churned, and I wondered if I’d be sick.

“This is not like you, Anna. You should come home. You belong here, not in Ireland.”

“How do you know where I belong? Maybe you don’t know who I am,” I snapped, hating the vile sound of my voice. She didn’t deserve it—she didn’t know the truth. Only Jax, and now Adam, knew what had happened. “I have to go.”

“Wait, Anna!”

“What?”

“Java’s not feeling so well.”

It was another blow to the stomach. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know if she’s depressed because you’re gone or sick, but I’m gonna get an appointment with the vet for her soon.”

Was Mom trying to manipulate me to come home, or was it really that serious? I hardly doubted my mother would stoop so low to use Java to get me back. She knew how much my horse meant to me. “Call me as soon as you hear something. You promise?”

“Of course. Hopefully it’s nothing, but I’ll keep you posted.”

“Thanks.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, too, Mom.”

I dropped the phone on the table behind me. The past was all around me, coming at me from every angle, and all I wanted to do was scream.