Chapter 14

Standing in the commissary—the NAS North Island grocery store—Aria stared at the tuna cans. Being in the store instead of spending time with Dan and Jimmy had seemed like a good idea at first. She wanted the guys to bond, but she missed being with them. There were so many layers to her emotions, she didn’t how to satisfy all of them at the same time.

Picking up a package, she examined it. There were many shapes and sizes. Did Dan like tuna packed in water or oil? Or did he prefer the flat package, with nothing on it?

She sighed. She didn’t know what to buy him, other than the few foods she knew he ordered all the time: turkey, chicken, fish, steak, and vegetables. Personally she hated tuna, but Jimmy adored it. Should she purchase the items she knew her brother and she liked to eat and wait for Dan to speak up? That didn’t seem right, yet she didn’t know where to begin either.

Aria hung her head. She was discouraged and disillusioned and seriously had no idea where to go from here. Looking at her grocery cart, she could see a theme—chocolate, cupcakes, wine, and fruit. That wasn’t even close to a balanced diet. Turning her cart around, she literally ran into Francis Diggins, the XO’s wife and the hostess of the last Team THREE wives party. “Francis, I’m so sorry.”

Broken egg yolks seeped from Francis’s cart and landed on the floor with teeny, tiny splats.

Francis beamed, seeming to find the occurrence amusing rather than alarming. “No harm. Probably better if they land on the floor than I cook them.”

Aria burst into tears. She felt she couldn’t do anything right, and those layers peeled back like an onion in hot water until all she felt was the raw, acrid core.

Francis walked around the cart and hugged her. “Oh, Aria. It’s fine. Really. Come on, I think you need a break. Let’s get out of here for a while.”

Aria allowed herself to be led away, and they walked to the front and stopped at the office. Francis explained to the manager that they would be back and asked if someone could watch their carts—also, there was a huge mess in the tuna aisle. Then the XO’s wife linked her arm with Aria’s and led her through the facility until they reached the food-court area with vending machines and cafeteria-style restaurants. “Are you allergic to anything?”

“No,” sniffed Aria as she dug in purse for a tissue, blew her nose, and then tucked it back inside. She withdrew hand sanitizer and rubbed it on her fingers and palms for good measure. Damn, when would things start getting easier?

“Good, take a seat and I’ll join you in a minute.” Francis placed an order at the smoothie bar and in just a few minutes returned to the table with two giant concoctions. “I love these things…the pineapple fruit smoothie. Probably more calories than anyone should consume in one day, but they taste great.”

“Thank you.” Aria accepted the drink and took a polite sip. The creamy drink soothed her throat and she drew another—longer—sip. “This is good.”

“Isn’t it? The kids enjoy shopping with me because we always stop for one of these and split it.” She smiled. “I guess I’ll have to enjoy this one all by myself.”

“Where are the kids?”

“At Judy’s. The boys are going for some kind of badge and needed to do work with different ages of kids. I offered mine as the guinea pigs, though I’ve had them watch our little ones plenty of times.” Francis drew heavily on her straw and pulled away suddenly. “Oh! Brain-freeze.” She patted Aria’s hand. “What’s happening in your world?”

Aria couldn’t stop herself from blurting everything out. “Besides the fact my uncle died leaving me with my little brother to raise, who is good one minute and obstinate the next, and my husband is here and then gone, and I don’t know who to lean on or how to handle any of this…”

Francis tilted her head to the side. She looked at Aria for a time, then said, “Well, you have us—the rest of the SEAL wives—if you want anyone to help you, accompany you somewhere, or if you just need to let loose. Also, believe it or not, while your circumstances have been tough, a lot of the wives have a tough time adjusting in the beginning of marriage.

“SEALs tend to be attracted to strong, independent, and put-together women who don’t go gently into a relationship where all of a sudden they have to take on someone else’s schedule, existence, and focus with a minimum of hassle. I don’t tell many people this…but I was pregnant when we married, and I was the one that was reluctant to get hitched. Ox had to do some fancy footwork to land me.”

“Weren’t you worried about losing your identity?” Aria looked at the table and shook her head. “I don’t want to lose my goals and dreams. I think that’s what I’m most afraid of…that one day I’ll wake up and everything I wanted for my life will be gone.”

“Then don’t let that happen. Be yourself in everything you do. Don’t hold yourself back.”

“How do I do that?”

“Live.” Francis smiled. “I’m happy. I love Ox with all my heart. He’s constantly telling me he’ll support me in whatever I want to do. Before we married, I was a chocolatier. But it was only one of my wishes. On that list was also being a wife and mother, which in many ways fulfills me in a manner my career could not.” Francis leaned forward. “When I’m ready, I’ll create tasty confections again. But the trick I’ve learned about marriage is…dedicate yourself each day to falling in love with yourself, your husband, and your world.”

“I’m sure some days are easier than others.”

“Very true. Our men have one of the most dangerous jobs on the planet. The reality of our lives is significantly scarier than any of us are willing to face, so we move on with our days, living ordinary existences, waiting for our men to retire—praying and hoping they get there. SEAL Team, the kids, and me—that’s all Ox wants out of life. It’s that basic to him, and I’m going to give him everything I have to make it work, even though some mornings I wake up with a nervous feeling in my stomach so painful I want to cry. So then I’ll cry and move on with a smile. Did Mac talk to you about any of this before you married?”

“Not really. We only dated for a month.” She paused, thinking. “What should I do? I feel like I’ve lost my strength. I don’t recognize the person in the mirror anymore.”

“Ask yourself who you can live with and without? Remember there’s rarely an opportunity to go back, once you close the door. If you aren’t willing to be there day in and day out for Mac and his challenges, tell him. Be honest about it. Face it head-on. Being a military spouse isn’t for everyone. It takes a daily dedication to the person you love and a commitment to stick it out and stay the course,” said Francis. “But it is never easy. Most of us celebrate what we have when it is in our hands and stay the course—hold the rudder—when we’re going it alone.

“Being happy or not being happy—that’s a choice you make on a moment-by-moment basis. Flip a switch, you’re happy. Flip the switch again, you’re sad. Decide what you want, Aria, and go for it, but don’t let your fear of being alone take away love. Remember, we’re all here because we want to be.”

The XO’s wife’s purse vibrated. It was a tiny Rioni purse. Aria couldn’t imagine how she could hold anything in there. It was pretty adorable. Francis took her phone out and answered it. “Okay. Sure. Usual stuff. Yes, I can be home in an hour.” Pocketing the cellular device, she stood. “We need to get moving. Our men are going out for a while and will need provisions. Come on, I’ll help you.” She paused and placed her hand on Aria’s arm. “Whatever you have to say to him, you might want to wait until he returns. Just a small piece of advice. Don’t want him distracted in the middle of an Op.”

“What? Wait, they’re leaving again? They just got back from jump practice or whatever it’s called.” Couldn’t the Navy give her a break?

“Yes. I don’t have any details, but for now I can help you put items together for him. Judy and I have shopped for Mac before. We often do it for a bunch of the men…when they are single.” Francis led the way back to the commissary. Boy, that small woman could move quickly. Aria had to speed up her steps until she was almost running behind Francis.

***

Aria turned the knob. As she suspected, the door was open and Dan had piles laid out all over the couch. She walked inside and closed the door. Watching him, she waited for him to acknowledge her. It didn’t take long before he was standing in front of her and giving her a peck on the forehead. “Hi.”

“Hi, Mac!” she said sarcastically. She grabbed his arm and showed him her phone. “Do you see this? I didn’t hear it ring, because you never called to tell me you were going away. If I hadn’t run into Francis Diggins, I never would have known you were leaving or what to buy you for your trip. How come she knows more about your diet than me?”

“Babe, do we really have to do this now?” Dan walked away from her, entering the bedroom, banging around in there, and returning with a handful of T-shirts.

“Really, you’re walking away…in the middle of an argument.” Aria was furious! She didn’t know where to start. All she wanted was to spew her frustration.

He dropped the T-shirts on a stack and then came back to stand in front of her. “If you want to talk to me while I pack, go for it. But what would really help me is for you to take a seat, let me finish, and then I can give you my full attention.” His eyes held hers, and they were friendly but focused. She didn’t want to screw him up, have him leave without the items he needed. If the shoe were on the other foot, she’d want to be able to get her life together, too.

She’d give him this one. “Fine. Pack. I’ll wait over here.” Sitting down on a chair next to the counter, she placed her purse on the top and tucked her phone inside. Watching him seemed lame, so she went outside to her car and brought in the groceries. She filled the kitchen. Looking into the top of each one, she found the three bags for him and placed them on the couch next to his gear.

When he came out of the bathroom with his travel kit, he smiled at her and then placed the items into his duffel. Placing her hand over her heart, she felt it tightening. Shit, was Francis right? Was she so upset with Dan because she was afraid he was going to get hurt, or worse yet, die? A wave of dizziness slammed through her and she sat down. “Make sure you bring the antibiotics with you…just in case that finger acts up.”

“I already saw the Corpsman—he was at the gun range—and he said it was clean and healing well. He complimented your technique.” Dan moved quickly and she was sure he had done this many times.

“How many missions have you been on?”

He looked up. “A lot.”

“When do you have to go?” She held her breath. Please, please, please let them have time to…to just be together a little longer.

“Can’t say… Soon. It’s easier to pack early and see if there is anything I need. I’m not fond of waiting till the last minute.” He nodded at the now-empty grocery bags. “Thanks for the provisions. It was exactly what I needed.”

“Francis helped me. I’m married to you. How come you didn’t call me?” Aria pursed her lips. “I think that hurt most.”

“We’re not supposed to. My guess is that Ox has a code word he uses with Francis and that’s how they communicate. We could do the same thing…have a set of words that mean other stuff.” Dan picked up his duffel and placed it by the front door. On top he placed another, smaller bag.

“Where are you going?” She crossed her arms over her chest. Her ire was rising again, and she had to keep herself in check so she didn’t tap her foot.

He shook his head. “I can’t tell you.”

How could Dan look so peaceful? He had the countenance of a man about to go take a run or a swim, definitely at ease. Was he crazy? He was going to war! A small part of her kicked up—this is what he did, put his life on the line. What was wrong with her?

She asked her next question quickly. “How long will you be gone?”

“Don’t know.” His short answers were getting on her nerves. She wanted to shout, Give me something, anything, to reassure me you’ll be safe…and come back soon! But she didn’t. She held herself in check.

Gesturing to the items at the door, she said, “Long enough to need a couple changes of clothes and provisions…”

“Yes.” He walked toward her. “I’m ready to talk now.”

She put up her hands. “Well, I’m not ready to talk to you.” She hated that look on his face—the one that said she was being a shrew. She sighed. “Just…give me a few minutes.” Turning her back on him, she walked the long way around the counter and through the kitchen, stepping over the bags of groceries. Heading for the bathroom, she closed the door and turned on the light and fan. Sitting down on the toilet, she put her head in her hands and cried, weeping for her dream of what life together was going to be like and for the fear she couldn’t voice to the man she loved more than her own sanity.

When she came back out, she could hear Dan talking on the phone. His voice was low, a murmur. When he saw her, he waved and she walked outside to the patio to join him.

“Yeah, man, thanks for leapfrogging.” Dan closed his phone and pocketed it.

“Who was that on the phone?” she asked, then kicked herself for asking that question. She’d have to learn to roll with things without the need to take control. “I mean…you don’t have to tell me if you can’t.”

“Declan. He and a few of the guys are going to stop by while I’m gone. In case Wall Boy gets a little jumpy.” Dan pointed behind her.

“Huh? I don’t get it. Who’s Wall Boy?”

“Jimmy. I took him to the climbing gym today and he was remarkable. I’m proud of him. You would have been, too. I’ve arranged a yearlong pass so you or even Declan can take him down there for some exercise. Who knows? You might like it, too.” Dan seemed as if he were hiding behind a facade. Why was he acting that way? What was wrong?

As he took a seat next to her at the table, she asked, “Is there something you want to say to me?”

“Yes,” he said. “But I’d prefer that we went for a walk. I don’t want to talk where Jimmy can hear us. Want to take the walking path around the neighborhood? It’s important, Aria.”

“Sure.” She went inside, grabbed her cell phone out of her purse, and scrawled a note to Jimmy and left it on the table.

They walked outside and she watched Dan lock the door behind them. “You locked the patio door, too, didn’t you?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I think we should do that every night. Okay?”

“Why?”

His hand took her elbow, escorting her farther from the house. “Dan, you’re making me nervous.”

“Sorry, that’s not my intention. We have to talk about your brother.”

She turned back, looking at the house. “Is he okay? Should I go back and talk to him?”

“Not right now. He was exhausted after our day. Last time I checked on him, he was sound asleep. Given everything that’s happened…we should let him sleep.”

She shook out of his grasp. “Talk, McCullum, and quickly.” She kept pace with him, walking farther down the road and heading for the path.

Once they were on it, he began. “If you knew someone was using Jimmy, even if it was someone you trusted, would you believe him if he told you?”

“Yes, of course!” She dragged him to a halt. “What happened?”

Dan opened a gate, and they sat down on some rocks. “Aria, how long had you known Mark when you brought him to Vermont for the first time?”

“It was Christmas of my freshman year. I met him in my prelaw class. He was the teaching assistant, and I was flunking the class until he started working with me.”

The expression on Dan’s face contorted, and then as quickly as it arrived, it disappeared…replaced by a neutral mask.

“Don’t do this. Just talk to me. Straight out.” She bit her bottom lip. Her heart was racing, and she didn’t like this one bit.

“During the first visit to Vermont, Mark convinced Jimmy to spy for him. He’s been stalking you since your freshman year of college.”

“What?” Disbelief was written on her face.

Dan wrapped an arm around her.

Aria was shaking so hard, she could barely stop her teeth from chattering. “No. It can’t… He couldn’t…” Her mind was running through every memory and interaction with her brother, looking for clues. Yes, there were times she would be in Vermont and Jimmy would ask if she’d called Mark or some kind of strange question, but she’d thought he was just being a weirdo kid.

“No,” she said softly. “I don’t believe it.” She looked at him, begging him with her eyes to deny it.

“I wouldn’t walk down this path unless it was true.” Dan held her gaze and the firmness made her quiver inside. “I asked Jimmy…casually…as we progressed through the day about his relationship with Mark, and every answer got more disturbing. I know you don’t want to hear any of this or believe it, but I need you to face the truth so we can prepare.”

She pushed his hands away and stood. “Prepare for what?”

“To keep Mark out of our lives. He is obsessed with you.” Dan stood across from her. The muscle in his jaw was flexing, and she knew that meant he was either frustrated or angry. She’d put her money on anger, but she didn’t really care. Her husband was accusing her best friend of being a stalker. She didn’t believe it, couldn’t. Mark had been too good to her over the years.

Starting back for the house, she felt Dan’s hands catch her and spin her around. “Let me go.”

“No. Tell me what you’re going to do, first.” He held tight to her.

For the first time in her life, she considered kicking a man between the legs. “I’m going to wake Jimmy and ask him to tell me the truth.”

“Which truth? Mark’s or his?” Dan’s comment didn’t make any sense to her.

“I don’t understand.” She knocked his hands away and crossed her arms over her chest.

“Exactly. You’re going to accuse your brother of lying, just because you don’t want to be wrong about the person you chose as a friend.” Dan’s comment hit like a ton of bricks.

“I…I’m not wrong.” The wind was knocked out of her. She went through the gate and started walking back to the house.

She picked up her pace until she was running. Her legs pumped as she ran toward home, frantic, with tears streaking down her face and her legs burning.

No! No! No! Mentally she said the word again and again, unwilling to accept Dan’s logic. But if she really looked at the track record, Mark lied all the time. She’d seen him do it with his clients and everyone around her…though her bullshit meter usually picked up on it.

Shit!

She got to the house and sat down on the front step. She didn’t know how to go in and face Jimmy. It seemed like only a couple of years ago that she’d been changing his diapers. It was hard enough to survive the deaths of her parents and the most recent loss of Uncle David. Now she had to deal with losing a friend, too.

Dan sat down beside her.

She noticed he didn’t try to touch her. He didn’t say one word.

Tears streamed down her face. Looking at her husband, she said, “I could never let anyone hurt Jimmy. I’d kill him first.”

“That’s my Aria.” His words were soft, gentle.

***

The next day was packed with activity. First they woke Jimmy at the crack of dawn and took him into Coronado for breakfast, and then they spent the morning walking around town.

“I’d really like a dog,” said Jimmy with a tremendous amount of animation in his voice. “Can we get one?”

“Well, we do have a fenced-in yard, but I think this is something you might have to earn,” said Dan. Turning to Aria, he asked, “What are your thoughts?”

Catching on, she said, “You’ll have to do your chores every day, no more trouble at school, and keep your grades up for one month, and then we’ll talk.”

“That’s a long time.” Jimmy’s enthusiasm waned.

“You’ll have to keep all of that going, if you want the pup to stay, too.”

“Deal,” said Jimmy, quickly putting out his hand.

Aria shook his hand and so did Dan. She took it as a sign of hope that things were improving…for all them. Spending time with Dan was blissful, and somehow the irritations and problems that had grown so frustrating and disheartening slipped away in his presence. There was a calm pace and a peacefulness to her world when he was beside her.

Dan checked his watch. “Good, we still have time.”

“For what?” Aria was puzzled. What could be better than this?

“To get in some target practice.”

“Cool!” said Jimmy immediately.

A lump formed in her throat. “Yeah,” she said. “Cool.” Inside she was downright icy with anticipation.

***

Bam! Bam! Bam!

“Great job,” said Dan, patting Jimmy on the back and taking the spent sidearm from his hands. “Now for Aria.”

Bam! Bam! Bam!

Her shots were grouped closely together in the center of the target. They were at the shooting range on NAS North Island. According to Dan, there were only a couple of officers practicing with their 9 mm’s. They didn’t stick around…and soon enough they had the place to themselves.

Oddly, Aria could honestly say it was serene here. Above was blue sky and in front of them the ocean slapped on the shore; she felt herself relaxing by degrees. She was surprised at herself. I didn’t think I’d like this…but I do. I have to concentrate in order to hit the target, and it forces my concerns to go away.

Feeling a tap on her shoulder, she put down the gun and removed her earplugs. “Yes?”

“Impressive,” said Dan, holding his own plugs. “What were you thinking?”

“That nobody is allowed to hurt us,” she said candidly. Somehow it felt good to say it out loud, but she still couldn’t believe the news about Mark. Whether it was true or not, she was doubtful she could ever hold a gun on him or anyone else.

“I want you to try the .44 and .45, too. They’re heavy and have a recoil, but I like them better than the .38.” Dan put his earplugs back in.

Jimmy sat down on the bench and watched.

She picked up the .45. An image came into her head of lifting the double-barreled shotgun with her dad. He’d wanted her to shoot game so badly, but the kick from the gun had dumped her on her ass the first time, and the shot had gone wild and high, bringing down a duck instead of a buck. Her response had been to cry, while her father laughed and brought it home for dinner. It had been impossible for her to eat it, mainly because she’d shot it, but her parents had enjoyed it. “Don’t think of the killing, think of the purpose.”

Steadying her hand, she thought, Safety, and pulled the trigger. Again and again, she fired until there was nothing left. Putting it down, she looked at the target. The bullets had gone straight through the outline of the head.

“You’re good at this. I’m proud of you.”

“So are you,” she said.

“I’m trained in handling weapons. You aren’t but you’ve kept an open mind and performed well.” He touched his hand to her hair. “It’s one of many things I admire about you.”

She grinned. “Well, I like the way you communicate with me. Compliments don’t spill from your mouth like trite offerings. Your comments have meaning, depth, and I have to earn them.”

He kissed her lips tenderly.

“Somehow, by doing this…I think I understand you more.”

He pulled back, glancing over at Jimmy, who was playing a game on Aria’s iPhone. “How so?”

“You’re very disciplined and determined. I don’t think I understood what kind of dedication you needed to have to do what you do. Learning about weapons has shown me the type of concentration needed, but also how to compartmentalize things in my brain. It gives me distance and perspective, if I allow it, to see things more clearly. Also, when I allow other stuff to interfere in what I’m doing, I mess up.” She sighed. “I get it now—why the SEAL wives group was explaining how important it is that we handle stuff at home so you don’t have to think about it, can perform your missions, and be safe.”

Tension eased out of Dan’s shoulders in one giant movement. “That’s a mouthful.” He leaned his head against hers. “Yes. Thank you.”

“I’m not saying that I’m going to be good at all of this, but I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all I ask. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Do you want me to go wait in the car?” asked Jimmy.

“No,” said Dan.

Getting in the spirit of things, Aria turned to Dan and asked, “What else do you have?”

“Time to learn about knives.”

***

The rest of the afternoon was spent firing and talking. She learned a lot about weapons in general: safety, loading and unloading, cleaning and storing, stance, and the best way to hold a position. It was an eye-opening experience.

On the way home, they picked up pizza and salads.

Pulling up in front of their house, Aria felt her stomach roll.

“I’m right behind you,” said Dan, bringing up the rear.

“Yeah! Pizza! I’m so hungry I could eat a whole one myself,” said Jimmy, voracious as always. “I’ll get the plates.”

She watched her brother hurry into the kitchen and set the counter with plates, napkins, forks, and knives. A grin was plastered to his face, and he couldn’t hide his elation. The time with Dan had been good for them both.

***

As she cleaned up, she listened to Jimmy’s interaction with Dan. She had never seen her brother so animated. It was as if a giant weight had been lifted off of him.

“Hey, guys, before we have dessert, can we talk?” Aria kept her tone light. “Come sit down at the counter with me.”

She put hot water on for tea and laid out fruit salad and chocolate-chip cookies.

“Are these homemade? I love these, Sis.” Jimmy ate three of them before she could even answer. Dan wasn’t much better; he’d stuffed four of them into his mouth.

“Yes. Slow down, guys. I want to have a meeting of the minds.”

“What does that mean?” asked Jimmy with a full mouth, spitting crumbs in all directions. “Sorry.”

“Use a napkin,” she said, pushing one in his direction. She made three cups of peppermint tea and sat down with them. “Jimmy, it sounds like you had a great time at the gym yesterday.”

“I did. Dan’s amazing! We’re going again, too.” Jimmy blew on his tea. “Can I have sugar?”

Aria nodded. “You know where it is.”

Jimmy got up, walked around the island, and took the sugar out of the cabinet. When he faced her again, she asked, “Can you talk to me, Jimmy, about Mark? I’ve been wanting to find out…about the talks you’ve had with him.”

He put the sugar on the counter and stepped back from it. His whole body stiffened, and he looked down at the floor. “Do I have to?”

“Yes, I need to know what’s been going on, from the very first time he spoke to you.” Purposefully keeping her tone light, she tried to make her comment easygoing. “It’s just you and me and Dan. We’re a family, and we’re here for each other.”

“That’s what he said, except there was no Dan. It was you and Mark and me, and he said the pictures were just to help us get closer. I didn’t think it was bad. I’m so sorry.” Tears welled in his eyes. “I didn’t even want to do it anymore, but Mark got so mad when I told him no. He said you’d be safer if he could keep an eye on you.” He hiccupped. “I just didn’t want you to get hurt…”

Aria was off her stool and around the counter instantly. She wrapped her arms around Jimmy and held him as his thin body shook. She looked over at Dan, and the expression on his face was grim. God love him, he never looked away…just sent his strength to her, and she never wavered as she held tight to Jimmy.