Chapter Twenty-Nine
Gia
It’s hard to be excited about a new, life-changing opportunity when your heart hurts. It’s been nearly two weeks since Simon and I broke up and my heart hasn’t started to mend. I’m not sure I want it to, though. I kind of feel like this is my karma. I’ve kept one too many secrets and I’ll never truly have a full heart again. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I have been living with a Simon-sized hole in my heart since the day I left him when I was sixteen.
But with adult love comes a different kind of heartache. When you are a kid and in love, the heartbreak is dramatic. You don’t know how you will ever live without the one you lost. But then, before you realize it you’re back to normal, wondering why you were being so melodramatic in the first place.
As an adult, when your heart breaks, you realize that life will go on. You just have to do it with a broken heart. You have to get up and work, be social and eventually move on. It's less dramatic because you most likely already know what heartache feels like. But it isn’t necessarily less traumatic.
But to be clear, knowing all this doesn’t make it any easier, it’s just the knowledge that you will move on, without the one who broke your heart. In my case, I would probably be the heartbreaker. Yes, Simon ended things, but I don’t fault him for that. I’m the one who messed up. I will live with that for the rest of my life. I’m the one who lost the love of her life … twice.
Over the past several days, I’ve put my shields back in place. They aren’t the ironclad walls I used to have, mostly because I have nothing left to hide. Also, because I don’t want to lose another person in my life. I’m not happy with how I’ve hidden from the ones I love most in the past. There are days I struggle with even liking myself. But then I remind myself that we all make mistakes, and we can learn from our mistakes. That’s what I’ve done, but maybe a little too late, though I’m not sure about that yet. The shields that are in place are really there to protect me from myself.
I give myself a couple days to wallow. Then I get up, put my big girl panties on and decide to prepare for the next chapter in my life.
I leave in exactly one week. I’ve put a deposit down on a studio apartment I can barely afford. My parents are going to be driving up next week, the day before I leave to take my car to park at their house, where it will stay until I decide what I want them to do with it. I’m tempted to just sell it, but my mom didn’t want me to decide right away. I don’t think she really wants me to leave, but she hasn’t come out and said it.
I currently find myself just standing in front of my closet wondering what to pack first. I’ve done just about everything else but pack. Packing seems so final. It’s probably why I’ve left it for last.
“Knock, knock,” I hear come from my half-open door. It’s Ruby and she pushes her way through with a bunch of flat, unused boxes.
“Hey,” I offer with a smile. I’ve been trying to do that as much as possible when around the girls. I didn’t want my last weeks with them to be sadder than necessary.
“I’ve brought boxes,” she announces. “I bought a lot because the cute guy at the supply store was just so excited about selling me the right kind of box.”
Morgan walks in, not far behind Ruby. “Good to know that we have enough boxes for at least two more moves after we pack you up, Gia.” She laughs at Ruby.
“Hey, I’m just thinking ahead. You know, being prepared and all that jazz,” she says nonchalantly. I just chuckle and look around my room.
“I really don’t know where to start.”
“Well, you’re going to ship most of your stuff, so maybe you should start with your clothes,” Morgan offers, grabbing a box from the stack on the floor and putting it together.
“Oh, but plan ahead and pull out everything you want to wear over the next week and then a few days after you arrive in LA. Just so you don’t have to go through already-packed boxes and in case your clothes boxes get lost in the mail. That would stink,” Ruby adds.
“You know I can buy clothes in LA, right?” I ask Ruby.
“Yeah, I know, but everything is going to be so new. You won’t have anyone to go shopping with you yet, and it will just be nice to have your old, reliable Chicago clothes.” Ruby sniffs.
“Oh, no. No, you don’t get to be all sad now, Ruby,” I tell her. She’s been very easy-going about this, so I thought I was only going to have to deal with a sad Morgan.
She swipes away a ghost tear. “I’m just worried about your fashion sense. We are shopping buddies. You need me.”
“How about I promise to text or FaceTime with you when I venture out to go shopping? Would that make this a little easier for you?” I offer, knowing it’s not really why she is sad.
“Yes. That would help.”
Morgan bumps Ruby’s shoulder as she passes, placing the assembled box on my bed. “I think Ruby will agree with me when I say that getting to this point, a week out from you leaving, and packing up all your stuff makes it all sink in a little bit.”
“No, I really am worried about her buying the wrong clothes,” Ruby protests.
“I know, sweetie, I know,” Morgan says, patting Ruby’s arm. Before I have a chance to reply, Morgan yanks open the bottom dresser drawer.
“OK, this is all sweats and PJs. Grab what you need for the week and I’ll put everything else in here. Ruby, you hit the closet.”
Nearly two hours later almost everything in my room has been packed up. Morgan is an organizational wizard and has everything labeled with Post-its on the outside for easy removal when ready to ship, and printouts right on top, for when I open the boxes once I’m in LA. We will also be sending these in stages to save on money. It’s already going to cost me an arm and a leg to ship, but I don’t have enough stuff to warrant a U-Haul rental. That plus hotels and gas for a four-day trip would be way over my budget, so I’m flying out there. I’m getting rid of a lot of stuff that I don’t want to drag to LA with me. And I’m going to buy new kitchen stuff since I’m not going to leave Morgan without any.
I’m leaving a lot of things in Chicago and starting fresh in LA, and I really don’t know how I feel about it.
“Well, I think you are pretty much packed up,” Ruby says, surveying the room.
“Will you leave all your M&M’s that you hide around the apartment, though? I’m going to need some comfort food and those will make me feel close to you,” Morgan says, in a sort of “I'm totally joking” way. But I’m thinking maybe she’s serious.
“Haha, yes. I will,” I laugh.
“Soooo,” Ruby draws out. “We wanted to run something by you.”
She slides a sideways glance at Morgan. Oh great, now I’m curious.
“We want to throw you a going-away party,” she says. She’s looking at me, trying to figure out what I’m going to say. Actually, both of them look like they are expecting me to say no.
“Uh, sure,” I say, kind of confused. Their hopeful expressions turn to excited ones.
“Oh, good, because we already have it planned. We just needed the final guest list from you.” Ruby claps her hands together.
“What do you mean my final guest list? It isn’t a wedding,” I ask skeptically.
“We kind of already invited everyone we knew but don’t want to miss anyone,” Morgan unapologetically tells me.
“So, when you say you’ve already planned it, you’re not just meaning, in your heads? Like, it’s a done deal?”
They both nod their heads enthusiastically.
“What would have happened if I had said no?” I ask.
“Meh, we would have pouted for a second and then just made it a surprise going-away party,” Ruby replies.
I just laugh. I love these two so much.
Then Ruby pulls out her phone and asks me to start listing off people that I want to be there. Minutes later I’m struggling to think of anyone else to add to the list when I notice Morgan biting her lip and looking all fidgety.
I point at her, cocking my eyebrow. “You. You're being all, twitchy. Spit it out.”
“Well, I kinda, maybe, sorta invited Simon.” This time she does sound apologetic.
I try to fight the cringe, but I know they see it.
Grumbling under her breath Ruby glares at Morgan. “Mo, why would you do that? I thought we decided against putting everyone in an awkward situation.”
“I know, I know. But it was awkward for me and it just slipped out,” Mo whispers back.
I close my eyes trying to center myself. They continue their whispered argument.
“If it was awkward for you, how do you think everyone else felt?” she asks.
“I know, I know,” Morgan repeats.
Ruby starts to speak again but I stop her. “You guys, I can hear you.”
“Right, sorry.” Morgan looks sheepish.
“So, what did he say?” Ruby asks.
She bites her lip again and I know she doesn't want to answer. But it’s too late, I have to know.
I let out a heavy sigh. “Just tell me.”
“He said that it would be best for everyone if he didn’t attend. But that he appreciated the invite.” Morgan sounds so sad as she shares his response, but I’m not surprised. I feel some hot tears prickle at the back of my eyes but tame them down with quick blinks.
“It’s fine.” I try to sound like it doesn’t bother me. But damn it, Morgan still looks guilty. “What else are you not telling me?”
“I kind of told him to not be a jerk and make sure he tells you goodbye,” she says with more authority in her voice.
I groan, “Mo … why would you say that? For starters, I’m the jerk for not telling him about the job. Also, he doesn’t owe me anything.”
“But he said that he didn’t want to be a jerk, that he was just really mad and hurt. I told him that we were all seeing you off at the airport and he said that he’d try to be there,” she says with hope-filled eyes.
“What does he mean by try to be there? I mean, if Dex, Link, and Bernie are going with us … He’s pretty much on the same schedule as them. I don’t get it.”
I mean, Ruby has a fair point, but I know deep down it depends on if he wants to see me one last time or not. I think it might break my heart a bit more if he doesn’t show, but why would he? I did it to him, it's my penance. I clear my throat to break up their argument.
“It’s fine. Really. Honestly, it’s best he isn’t there.” Ruby nods her head in agreement but Morgan looks at me skeptically.
“Really, Mo. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my last night with my friends if he were there.” I try to convince her … and myself.
“OK, if you say so.” Her hands, palms out, wave back and forth in surrender.
I pull myself up and off my bed and start to busy myself with shifting boxes around. I see Ruby glance to Morgan out of the corner of my eyes but just ignore it. If they want to say more, they will, but I’m not going to continue dwelling on anything Simon related. At least, not out loud, I’m not.