“Good morning.” Brian’s eyes seem an even brighter shade of green in the morning light as he grins at me, but it could just be my imagination because of the darkness behind my own. “You’re wearing entirely too many clothes.”
He leans over to give me a kiss, but I pretend not to notice. I turn away, twisting my back to stretch. I’m met with pain—and not just the kind of pain you get when you’ve overworked your body. My stomach burns with guilt, and it shows on my face as I wince.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“Sore,” I grumble as I glance at the clock on his nightstand. It’s a little after ten and time doesn’t matter. I need to tell him what I did with his brother before the guilt swallows me whole.
“From last night?”
I don’t answer. I close my eyes as if I’m still sleepy—which I am, but it’s not like I’m going back to sleep now.
He chuckles. “I didn’t even give you my best stuff.”
“You gave me good stuff. Rougher than usual.”
“Well, I missed you. Had to make up for lost time. You slept late.”
Because my sleep was interrupted in the middle of the night by your brother.
Guilt scorches me everywhere, prickling my skin and infecting my blood.
“What time did you get back?” I murmur, schooling my voice to sound sleepy.
I have no idea what time Mark came and went from this bed. All I know is he was here, and I can’t help the shudder of fear that blazes through me. Do the sheets smell like peppermint and sandalwood?
I need to tell him. We can’t have secrets between us.
I’m just not sure how to form the words. I slept with your brother.
Twice.
He deserves the truth, but I can’t stop thinking about the things he said about his brother.
We’ve always had this extremely competitive relationship.
He has this way of wanting what’s mine, and he always gets what he wants.
“A little after six.”
“Did you fix the problem?”
He sighs, and a dark shadow of anger flashes over his face briefly before he answers. “I bandaged it. I’ll probably have to fly to Germany to fix it.”
I ignore the confusion in my heart at his words. Part of me needs him here, needs him in my arms, needs confirmation that he’s the man I want to be with. The other part of me—the part I immediately push away with a big dose of remorse—is glad he’ll be out of the country for a few days.
“I don’t want to go,” he says, picking up my hand in his. “I’ll miss you too much.” A pause. “You should come with me!” The idea clearly just hit him as his voice raises with excitement.
My eyes pop open. He’s inviting me to go to another country with him.
There’s no justification for what I did last night. And yet...
And yet.
Is it possible to be in love with two people? The love I have for Brian is pure, sweet, solid. He certainly comes with his flaws, but he’s a good man who treats me well.
A man who certainly deserves better than me—deserves better than what I’ve done.
I open my mouth to admit the truth, but other words tumble out. “Oh, I couldn’t do that.” I don’t know why I can’t say it, why I can’t be honest, why my mouth won’t form the words it needs to say, but in that moment, I make a vow. I’ll do whatever it takes to make it up to him.
“Why not? It’s not like you have to go to work.”
“True,” I say. I scramble for any excuse. “But I do need to start planning for the upcoming school year. And I don’t even know if my passport is valid.”
“We’ll get a rush on a renewal.”
“I think even a rush still takes a couple weeks.”
“I might be gone a couple weeks. You could meet me there. Reese, I don’t want to go without you.”
“Let’s talk about it when you know for sure you have to go.”
He nods, satisfied for now with that answer.
I should go to Germany. It would be for the best. The temptation wouldn’t be right under my nose, and I’d be free to grow closer to Brian—my boyfriend.
I think about Mark’s words the morning he first admitted his feelings for me. It doesn’t matter that I was Mark’s first. I’m with Brian now, and in the unavoidable light of morning, I believe what Brian has told me. Mark only wants me because of the competition between brothers, not because there’s something between us. I must’ve imagined the connection, the closeness, the depth. The emotions both pure and vast.
“When did you get dressed?” Brian asks as I flip the covers off to get out of bed.
“Just after you left,” I lie. “It was cold without you.”
He starts toward me, but I don’t want to kiss him before I’ve had a chance to brush my teeth—to get rid of the taste of Mark’s peppermint mouth on mine. I allow Brian to pull me into a hug, praying he doesn’t smell sandalwood on my skin.
“What’s wrong?” he asks when I stiffen.
“Sorry. I have to pee.”
He chuckles and lets go, holding his arm out toward the bathroom. “Be my guest.”
I grab my purse and head to the bathroom. I spend extra time freshening up, trying to scrub the guilt away with a whore’s bath. It’s the first time I’ve given myself a whore’s bath where I actually sort of feel like a whore. What I did last night…it was wrong.
I hold my head in my hands for a split second, wondering where the responsible, wholesome girl I used to be disappeared to. The answer hits me like a brick: the very second Mark Ashton took me to bed, everything changed.
When I emerge from the bathroom, Brian’s not in his bedroom anymore. The door is open, and I hear voices coming from the kitchen. I walk that way, and I find Brian talking to Mark like everything’s normal. They both sit at Mark’s table, curls of steam rising from the coffee mugs in front of them. Mark faces my direction, and Brian faces the window.
Mark’s eyes land on me, and I feel their searing burn even from this distance. My heart twists and desire warms my belly.
Then Brian turns around and I shift my gaze to him. My heart twists for him, too.
“Hey, sweetheart,” Brian says softly, and then he stands and strides toward me. I want to die on the spot. My boyfriend is about to kiss me in front of the man I secretly had sex with last night.
I tear my eyes from Mark and force them over to Brian. He pulls me into him, and I can’t help my glance over his shoulder at Mark. His eyes burn into mine for the briefest second, and then he averts his gaze from me and focuses on the view out the window.
Before his eyes move to the window, though, I spot it. The pain, the ache. The hurt and heartache. The fact that Brian gets to pull me into his arms in the middle of his kitchen.
I keep trying to fool myself into believing it’s not real, but I saw it there. If it’s not real, if this is just some competition between brothers like Brian claims, then Mark is one hell of an actor.
Brian presses his lips to mine, and he tries to open my mouth with his tongue, but I stiffen and pull away—not because it’s Mark sitting there, per se, but because I’d feel a little awkward sticking my tongue in my boyfriend’s mouth in front of anyone.
He gives me a wounded glance, and I just nod pointedly toward Mark. Brian rolls his eyes.
“I should get going,” I say to Brian. “Let me know about Germany.”
Mark glances over at his brother, carefully avoiding my eyes. “Germany?”
“The deal I was working on in Houston fell apart,” Brian says. “I might need to fly out to Germany to get it back on track.”
“When?” Mark asks.
Brian shrugs. “Depends. They’re still in Houston for a few more days. Probably next week.”
“And you’re going with?” Mark asks, allowing his eyes to flick to me.
“I might,” I say softly, my eyes on his.
Brian turns back to me, ignoring his brother’s interrogation that's not his business. I force my gaze from Mark’s.
Brian presses a kiss to my cheek. “Let’s get your passport in order and once I have confirmation I need to go, we’ll figure it out.”
I nod and walk over to the door. “I’ll see you later,” I say to the room in general. I don’t even know who I’m talking to at this point. I’m not even totally sure who I want that last phrase aimed at; I just know I need to get out of there and away from them both so I can sort through my feelings.
Brian’s right behind me and follows me out into the hall. “You okay?” he asks as I wait for the elevator.
“Fine,” I lie. “Just tired.”
He comes in for a hug, and I wrap my arms around him, totally conflicted about everything—my feelings, which man I love, whether I love either…whether I love both.
The elevator comes, and I give Brian a small kiss. I have to. That’s what a girlfriend does when she’s leaving her boyfriend.
* * *
Life hands us so many choices.
Some choices are automatic and require no forethought: swerving to miss hitting the car in front of you, taking off your bra as soon as you get home from work, finishing the bowl of ice cream, calories be damned. Even though they’re easy, a conscious effort to decide between two things still exists.
Other choices are more challenging and need a little consideration: the white shirt or the black, chicken or fish, which restaurant to go to for dinner with your best friend who is as indecisive as you. Even though those decisions are a little more difficult, one choice always sticks out as the right one.
But some choices are so difficult that no amount of musing, rumination, gut instinct, or meditation can help puzzle out the right answer. For me, that sort of choice centers on two people who just happen to be brothers.
Brian or Mark?
The question echoes constantly in the recesses of my mind, over and over, a hall of mirrors. No matter where I turn, it’s the wrong answer. I’m hurting one brother if I do right by the other. No matter where I turn, it’s the right answer. I’m hurting one brother if I do right by myself.
Someone’s going to get left behind. Someone’s going to lose. Someone’s going to end up with a broken heart.
I’m just terrified that the someone is going to be me.
I’m sitting on the couch in the family room staring blankly at a television that isn’t even turned on. I’m completely lost in thought when Jill walks through the door. I feel an immediate sense of relief. My best friend is here. Finally we can talk about the events of the last twenty-four hours…events I’m still not sure I believe happened.
I immediately start crying when she walks into the room. I’m an emotional disaster.
“Reese, what’s wrong?”
I shake my head and gasp for air between tears.
“Is it Brian?”
I shrug.
“Mark?”
I nod.
“What happened?”
I pull in a shaky breath and let the words tumble out of me. “He snuck into Brian’s room last night and we had sex.”
She starts pacing in front of me. “Oh my God. Where was Brian?”
“Some emergency at the office.”
She gasps.
“I—” I start to tell her that I slept with both of them last night, but I stop myself.
“What?” she asks.
I look down at the floor. “Brian and I were...”
“You were what?” she prompts.
“We were, um, together before Mark and I were.”
“You were with both of them last night?”
I nod, my cheeks burning with shame as I admit my darkest secret to my best friend.
“Are you going to tell him?”
“How can I?” I shake my head. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Who do you want to be with?”
I’m not sure the answer that comes to my mind and the answer that tumbles out of my mouth match. “Brian.”
“Are you sure?”
I lift a shoulder. “I want a normal relationship with a normal guy. Mark doesn’t want me for any other reason than because I’m with his brother.”
“You’ve convinced yourself of that, but from everything you’ve told me, I’m not sure I buy it.”
“So we’ve got a passionate, fiery thing between us. It’ll fizzle in time.”
“Will it? Or could it be the base for a connection like you’ve never felt? The start of the most meaningful relationship of your life? Whatever you decide, take it from someone who was on the receiving end of that sort of blindside. Choose quickly. Be honest. Don't string them along.”
I let her words mingle around my head. She’s right.
I just have to figure out which one it will be.