Chapter Twelve
Oscar knocked back his bourbon and then returned to pacing the den. He was angry; angry at himself. Listening to what Terry had to say had been the biggest wake-up call of his life. He was so proud of himself—of everything he’d achieved, and yet listening to Terry, he’d felt ashamed of himself. He shook his head. He shouldn’t feel ashamed. He’d done well, and he’d helped people along the way. He did more than most. He stopped in front of the windows and took in the view of the city sprawling out before him. He’d built a great life. It had all come easily to him. Not that he’d been handed anything, but he was a problem solver, an opportunity seeker. He’d done so much that it had all become boring to him. He was opening a second club because he felt as though he’d conquered every challenge, and he couldn’t find a new one that excited him.
Terry had made him see that all the challenges he’d sought and overcome were so small and frivolous. How could he enjoy everything he’d achieved when all those people at the center were struggling just to survive? He turned at the sound of a buzzer announcing a car at the front gate. That’d be TJ. He’d called his brother when he got back here. He needed to talk to him.
Ever since TJ had come home, Oscar had tried to ease his way. He’d known his brother was struggling with some demons, but he hadn’t really considered what they were. All Oscar had wanted was for TJ to find his way again, to find his way back into the world in which they lived. He’d wanted TJ to enjoy partying again, to find a business venture he could enjoy and make a success. He’d believed that success and happiness could be measured in that way. His chat with Terry this afternoon had made him question everything he’d believed.
TJ appeared in the doorway. “What’s up? You sounded weird when you called. I thought you were going to spend the afternoon with Grace.”
Shit! Grace! He’d walked out of there. Walked out on her. He stared at his brother.
“Are you okay?” TJ looked at the bourbon on the bar. “Are you drinking?”
Oscar shook his head. “No. Yes. I just had one. I need to call her.”
TJ looked worried. “Did you have a fight?”
Oscar shook his head as he dug his phone out of his pocket. He dialed her number and waited. It went to voicemail. “Grace. Please call me. I’m sorry. I need to explain.” He hung up and met his brother’s gaze.
“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”
Oscar nodded slowly and poured himself another bourbon. “Yeah.”
“Do me a favor and slow down with that stuff?”
Oscar knocked it back and then nodded. “Okay.” He set the glass down. “What do you think of me?”
TJ frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, do you think I’m an asshole? Am I blind, selfish, stupid?”
“Where’s this coming from? Are you sure you didn’t have a fight with her?”
“No!” Oscar shook his head in frustration. “It’s not about Grace. It’s about who I am. What I’m doing. I went into that center with her today, the big shot, the guy with the money who could swoop in and save the day. I left there feeling stupid. Those people are the ones who really live life. They struggle and they get by and they support each other. I’ve got everything, and I’m feeling good about myself because I can spare a little to help. Grace has nothing, and yet she gives everything.” He wasn’t sure he was making any sense, but he needed TJ to understand. He had a nasty feeling TJ already did. “I guess my point is, I don’t believe in anything. I’ve never looked for anything outside of myself and the success I can create with money. You’re not like that. You believed in something enough to go fight for it. Those people at the center believe in something. They believe in each other, and they believe in helping each other. Grace believes she can change the world or at least the world of the people who need the center.”
He sat down and reached for the bottle again, but TJ got it first and moved it away. “You don’t need that. You can face yourself without it.”
Oscar looked up at him. “You couldn’t.”
TJ sat down beside him. “I wasn’t afraid of facing myself. I used booze, so I didn’t have to face everything that happened, over and over and over again.” He stared out the window a moment and then turned back to Oscar. “Believing in something outside of yourself isn’t necessarily a better way to go, you know. It can literally and figuratively all blow up in your face.”
Oscar nodded, wondering how little he really knew about his brother and everything he’d lived through.
“I don’t think I have any words of wisdom for you. You’re not an asshole. You might have been blind, but there’s no law that says you have to dedicate your life to helping a greater cause. You can be happy just doing you.”
“I was, but I don’t think I can be anymore. I feel like I had one of those road to Damascus moments, and I have to change.”
TJ nodded. “If that’s how you feel, then that’s what you should do. You see what you can do, so do it, but don’t do it to make yourself feel better. Do it because you want to and be honest about that. If you do, you’ll be on the right track. Don’t ever believe that helping other people is somehow better. It’s still selfish. It’s about what you want to do. That’s all.”
Oscar nodded. “I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t mean I think I’m going to be all righteous and good. I mean I’m an idiot for looking for something I can do, and not seeing the obvious. You know the second club was just going to be a stopgap. I was going to throw all of myself into something I don’t even care about. Something I do care about is right under my nose. It’s not about becoming a do-gooder; it’s about finding something I can care about. I’m not saying I want to give a bunch of money and feel better about myself. I’m saying I can share what I’ve learned. Money’s just a tool, a measure of success. If I was a builder, I’d want to help renovate the building, but I’d also want to teach the kids how to use the tools, how to build, share my skills with them in a practical way and pass them on.”
TJ nodded. “So, you’re not saying you want to throw a bunch of money at the center and leave it at that?”
“No. I’m saying I want to throw a bunch of money in and get involved. I want to help, really help. Not just be on the board but teach the kids about money and how to make it.” He shrugged. “Help the vets get back on their feet. See if there’s a way all those single moms can do something. I don’t know, maybe start a daycare or something for working moms.”
TJ smiled. “And the old folk? You’re not going to leave them out?”
“No! There must be something I can share with them, show them a way to take their life back into their own hands and ...” He stopped, finally realizing that TJ was teasing him. “Okay, maybe I’m getting a bit carried away, but you get the idea?”
“I do. I get it, and I like it. When I came in, you asked if I thought you were blind or an asshole. I’ve never thought that. I’ve always respected that you live life the way you see fit, but I will tell you it’s always bothered me that you couldn’t see beyond success. Mostly, I managed to convince myself that I was nuts. I was the one who had to go off and fight because of ideals—and look how that turned out. You always seemed to have it all figured out. You seemed happy. Since I’ve been back, I’ve noticed that you’re not, at least not as happy as I thought. You’ve been looking for something more. Now you’ve found it.”
“What is it that you think I’ve found?”
“Meaning.”
~ ~ ~
Grace perched on the wall outside the back door of the center. She was still reeling. She couldn’t believe Oscar had just walked out like that. She’d gone through everything Terry had said; she’d run it over and over in her mind. She didn’t think he’d said anything terrible—anything that should make Oscar leave. She’d thought it inspiring. She sighed and kicked her feet against the wall. What did she know? She and Oscar were very different people, from very different worlds. Maybe he’d taken Terry’s words as criticism? That he could and should be doing more with his life. She just didn’t know. What she did know was that that he’d left, and their chances of keeping the center going had disappeared with him.
No. She wouldn’t allow that to happen. She’d been determined to keep the place going, even if it didn’t have a permanent home anymore. She’d been scouting locations and seeking support before she even knew about Oscar Davenport. She could get back to it now. She wasn’t going to let him make her give up. She’d been crazy to think that she could get close to a guy like that. The bond—the intimacy she’d thought they shared—was just some sort of illusion.
The door opened, and she tried to smile at Spider as he came out to join her. “I don’t know what to say, Gracie.”
“Me neither. Except that I feel like a fool.”
“Don’t. It doesn’t sit right with me. He doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who’d just up and walk out.”
“He didn’t strike me that way either, but that’s what he did.”
Spider shook his head. “Terry feels like shit. He thinks he chased him off.”
Grace jumped down from the wall. “Where is he?”
“In the back, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. He thought he was helping. He said he liked the guy, so he spoke his mind.”
Grace let herself back inside. Terry might not want to talk to her, but she was going to talk to him. No way would she let him go blaming himself. She found him in the little office in the back. He was staring down at his gnarled hands.
“Terry.”
He shook his head. “Don’t try to talk me up. I blew it for everyone, and I’ll live with that. I don’t want coddling.”
Grace crouched down, so she could look him in the eye. “You know me better than that. I don’t coddle. I’m here to tell you to snap out of it. You’re smarter than this. Don’t let that arrogant prick get to you. The things you said? Any man worth his salt would be thanking you and doing his best to live up to it. If he ran off like that because of what you said, then he’s a spineless, worthless piece of shit, and you did us a favor. We don’t need that kind around here.”
He finally met her gaze and gave her a half smile.
“I’m serious. Now, are you going to sit here feeling sorry for yourself or are you going to make yourself useful? The guy we thought was our best hope of saving this place just walked out on us. We need to get down to work and figure out what Plan B is.”
Terry blew out a big sigh. “How can I be useful, Gracie? I’m used up and wore out. I thought I was being useful when I talked to that Oscar.”
“I thought you were, too. It’s not our fault that he’s not the man we thought he was.”
He gave her a sad smile. “I had high hopes for the two of you.”
“You really are a crazy old coot, then, aren’t you?” She smiled, but Terry didn’t. Those steely blue eyes of his told her he knew the truth. She was more hurt and upset by this whole thing than he was. “C’mon. We’ve both lived through worse disappointments than this. Let’s go get Spider and the others and see what ideas we can come up with. We’re only going to have this place for a couple more weeks. We need to figure out what kind of fund-raising we can do. We’re going to need a big pot to rent space somewhere.”
~ ~ ~
Oscar picked up his phone. He wanted to try Grace again. What must she be thinking? And why hadn’t she called him back?
“Why don’t you go over and see her?”
“You think?”
“Yeah, I think. You need to let her know why you walked out of there like that.”
“Okay. Let’s go.”
“To the center or to her place?”
Oscar shrugged. Would she still be at the center? He closed his eyes briefly. She must be thinking that he’d walked out on her—on the center. How stupid was he? “Let’s go to the center. Whether she’s there or not, I want to talk to Terry. I want to thank him.”
TJ smiled. “Isn’t he awesome? He’s the guy I talked to when I went in there. You know, I was waiting to see what you wanted to do, but now that it looks like you’re all in. I want to tell you my ideas.”
“What ideas?”
“About what I can do over there.”
“I want to hear all about it, but tell me on the way? I need to find her.”
In the car, he tried calling her again, but again it went straight to voicemail. “Grace. I need to talk to you. I’m heading for the center, and if you’re not there, I’m coming to your place. Call me back if you get this.”
TJ looked across at him. “How much of this is for her?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.”
“No. I don’t. Explain.”
“Are you suddenly becoming a different person for her?”
Oscar started to protest but stopped himself. He thought about it. Was he? He didn’t think so. He’d want to help no matter who’d come to him about the center. If anything, this was for Terry. This was for the guy who’d made him wake up to himself. “No. I want to impress her, of course. I want her to admire me, but up until today, I was fine with her just admiring my financial success—especially since it was useful to her.”
TJ nodded. “I think she likes you in spite of your success, not because of it.”
Oscar smiled, seeing the truth in that. “You’re right. Maybe that’s what makes her so special.”
TJ smiled.
“What?”
“I’m glad you can admit that she’s special. She’s different, no two ways about that. She’s good for you.”
“I hope so. I just need to find her. Right now, she must be thinking I’m a total asshole who walked out on her.”
“Yeah.”
When they pulled up outside the center again, Oscar sat and stared for a moment.
“Are you okay? Do you want me to go in with you?”
“You don’t need to do that.”
TJ chuckled. “I’m not offering to hold your hand. I’m hoping it’ll only take you a few minutes to set things straight and then you can get started on how you’re going to help. I’d like to be in on that. I want to be part of it.”
“In that case, let’s go.” It felt good to have his brother by his side as he opened the door. He felt like he was opening a new chapter of his life, and it was right that TJ was there with him.
He looked around but couldn’t see Grace or Spider anywhere. There was a group of older guys sitting watching TV, a couple of kids playing pool, some young women and their toddlers sitting in the dining area, but no one he recognized.
“There he is.”
Oscar followed TJ’s gaze to where Terry sat in his wheelchair. His eyes held a mix of what looked like sadness and anger. Oscar could understand that. He set out toward him.
“What do you want?” He’d spoken so eloquently earlier. Now he growled and had the look of a sullen old man.
Oscar looked him straight in the eye. “I want to apologize. What you said earlier, you taught me the most important lesson I’ve ever learned. And instead of thanking you I turned around and walked out. I want to thank you, and I need you to know that I walked out in disgust—at myself. You told it like it is, and I was pissed that I couldn’t see it until you said it. I’m sorry.”
Those steely blue eyes looked up at him and softened. “You’re sorry?”
Oscar nodded. “I am, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.”
Terry grinned. “I knew you weren’t a worthless piece of shit.”
Oscar’s heart stopped beating. “Is that what Grace said?”
Terry’s grin faded. “Yeah, but she was only trying to make me feel better. I thought I blew it.”
“You didn’t blow it, Terry. I just hope I haven’t. Do you know where she is?”
“Spider took her back to the coffee shop.”
“Thanks.”
“Are you with him?” Terry asked TJ.
“Yeah. He’s my brother.”
“That figures. I guess I’ll be seeing you both soon enough. You’d best get for now, though. Go find Gracie and make it right.”