Chapter Nineteen
The next morning Grace woke late. It took her a minute to realize that she was in Oscar’s bed—but he wasn’t. She sighed. She could get used to this if she allowed herself. But there was no point even thinking about whether she could allow herself to. She probably would find a way—if Oscar wanted her to, but he didn’t. She remembered the smirk on his face last night at dinner when she’d asked if he thought of her as a friend. His reply had been, Maybe. Maybe was a long way from yes, as far as she was concerned. She rolled onto her side. She should get up, but his bed was so comfortable, she didn’t want to. She sighed again. Maybe it was just because she was so tired that she felt so emotional. She didn’t normally let her feelings get the better of her—she couldn’t afford to—but right now she was sad. She was feeling sorry for herself. She wished he’d come back to bed and hold her, make love to her, and tell her everything was going to be okay, that he did see her as a friend and that maybe someday he could see her as something more than that.
She sat up. Unfortunately, she lived in the real world. There were no fairy tale endings for girls like her, and she was okay with that. She wouldn’t want to be a needy, dependent little girl anyway. She was strong and she was tough and she could make it on her own. She always had. She bit the inside of her lip at the tired little voice in her head that said she always had because she’d always had to, and it would be nice to have someone to lean on, to share life with. Maybe it would, and maybe somewhere down the line, she’d meet someone who would fit that description. Oscar wasn’t someone to lean on or share with. Oscar was a guy who had fun and moved on. She needed to get real and get back to enjoying what was on offer before he did move on.
The door opened, and he peeked around it.
“You’re awake.”
She smiled. “I am. Sorry, I slept in, I must have needed it.”
“Don’t be sorry. I’m glad you could. Are you ready to get up yet, or do you want to rest some more?”
That familiar warm feeling washed over her. Even though she knew there was no future in it, it still felt so good that he cared about her. She held her arms out to him. Why not? She knew she wasn’t the softest woman on earth, but only because she’d grown so used to keeping her walls up and keeping people out.
He came to her with a smile and closed his arms around her. She rested her head against his chest; she couldn’t help it. That connection they shared felt so strong. She couldn’t deny that she felt like she belonged right here in his arms. Tears pricked her eyes. He might not feel the same way, but then he didn’t need to. He was giving her more than she’d ever known just by being here. It didn’t need to be his burden. She could live this little fantasy by herself.
He stroked her hair away from her face, just like he’d done that first morning they’d met. The electricity still zapped through, but it wasn’t just a physical desire. It zapped straight to her heart, too, and in that moment, she understood that her heart would break the day he said goodbye.
“Are you okay, Gracie?”
The tears began to flow. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d cried. Crying didn’t help anything, but that knowledge couldn’t stop her now. It came out in big gasping sobs.
He hugged her closer to his chest and kissed the top of her head. He didn’t ask questions, and he didn’t get up and walk away, he just held her and let her get it all out.
When it finally subsided, she looked up at him. She felt like she must have totally blown it, no guy wanted a sobbing woman in his bed. She knew that wasn’t the case though. She could feel how much he cared. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled, then sniffed and started to swipe at her face.
He caught her chin between his finger and thumb and made her look up into his eyes.
“Please tell me.”
She wanted to ask, tell him what? But she knew, and she didn’t want to push him away. Instead, she shrugged sadly. “I guess I’m over tired.”
He nodded and waited. They both knew that was the beginning of an explanation, not the end.
“Okay. I’m going to tell you, even though it’ll probably mean goodbye.”
His look of concern turned into something else. If she had to find a word for it, she’d say he looked scared, but that couldn’t be right. “Go ahead,” was all he said.
“Let me start by saying none of this is your fault. It’s all on me.”
His long, strong fingers tightened around hers. “What is?”
She blew out a big sigh and tried to compose herself. He was a good guy; she owed him honesty and she had to get on with it. “I care about you too much.”
His eyebrows came down. Shit. He wasn’t going to like this, but she’d started now.
“I’m sure you’ve been put in this position dozens of times, but it’s not somewhere I’ve ever been before. I know I don’t mean much to you. You made it clear last night when you said you don’t even see us as friends. But I care about you. You make me feel things I haven’t felt before. I keep wishing that this, what we have, what we’re doing, could last.” He started to speak, but she put a finger to his lips. “Don’t. Please. You don’t need to say anything. I know this isn’t your fault, you’ve been nothing but honest with me. I couldn’t help it though. For the first time in my life, you’ve made me feel that I belong somewhere.” She stopped and gave him a sad smile. “You make me feel like I belong with you, but I know I don’t.”
“Grace, I …”
She shook her head and wriggled out of his arms. “There’s nothing left to say. I’m going to go take a shower and let you make of that what you will. While I’m in there, you can decide what you want to do with what I’ve told you.”
She couldn’t figure out the look on his face, but she went into the bathroom and closed the door. She’d done it. She’d been honest with him. She didn’t expect anything from him in return. She hoped he wouldn’t be so freaked out that he’d show her the door, but he might be. She could deal with that. She knew him well enough to know that it wouldn’t affect his involvement in the center. He was doing that for himself, not for her.
~ ~ ~
Oscar sat and stared at the bathroom door in amazement. Had he just imagined that? He shook his head as if to clear it. Had she really just told him that she felt like she belonged with him. Had Grace—tough Grace, Grace the hard-ass, just sat and sobbed in his arms? He nodded. She really had. Damn!
He sucked in a deep breath and slowly blew it out. And what was he going to do with that? His first instinct was to follow her into the bathroom, join her in the shower and show her just how much he loved her. He instinctively ran his thumb over his lips as he smiled. No. There’d be plenty of occasions he could make love to her. What he needed to do first was show her that he loved her with words and gestures. He got to his feet. He was going to make her breakfast, and while they ate, he was going to tell her that he’d fallen in love with her. He got to his feet. Damn. It was hard to believe this was happening. Only last night he’d thought he’d have a long road ahead. He’d planned to earn her trust and hopefully someday her love. Now it sounded like she’d already given him both. He made his way back to the kitchen with a big grin on his face. Now he really had something to throw himself into.
After half an hour, he went back to see if she was nearly ready. She wasn’t in the bedroom or the dressing room, so he knocked on the bathroom door. Nothing. He frowned. “Are you in there, Grace?” It didn’t sound like it. He opened the door and pushed it open. She wasn’t.
He ran a hand through his hair and stared around in confusion. Where the hell was she? He returned to the kitchen, checked in the den, then went outside onto the terrace. There was no sign of her. He went back to the bedroom and then he saw it—a note lying on his pillow.
Sorry. I shouldn’t have embarrassed us both like that. I won’t make this awkward—for either of us. Have a great weekend. I’ll see you at the center on Monday. We can pretend this never happened—please?
G x
Oscar read the note through twice. He didn’t get it. How had she embarrassed anyone? Where had she gone? How had she sneaked out—and why?
He carried the note to the front door and stared up the driveway. He couldn’t see her, but then he didn’t expect to. He went back inside and then stopped dead in the hallway when realization dawned. He’d been so happy to hear how she felt about him. He was looking forward to them being together now they both knew how they felt. But he’d overlooked one kind of major detail. He hadn’t had the chance to tell her how he felt. What a total dumbass! She had no clue how he felt. He’d tried to protest when she’d talked about him not even seeing her as a friend. He didn’t just see her as a friend—he wanted her to be so much more than that. But she didn’t know that. He’d stayed quiet at her insistence and let her say her piece, but she’d gone before he’d had the chance to do the same. Damn.
He grabbed the keys for the Range Rover from the hook. He had to find her. She couldn’t have gone far. He knew there were no bus stops around here.
~ ~ ~
Grace got out of the cab in front of the center. That had been a dumb thing to do. Cab fares weren’t cheap, and she was only just scraping by. She hadn’t discussed with Oscar what her new job at the center might pay. It was funny; she didn’t even question that he might not give her the job anymore. It may have been dumb to tell him how she felt, but she didn’t regret it. It was only fair. She knew she’d been moody and weird around him a few times—all because she wanted more from him. Telling him had been the right thing to do. He had a right to know. Running out of there hadn’t been one of the wisest things she’d ever done, but she’d had to.
She’d thought about it as she stood in the shower letting the hot water run down over her. She’d done what she needed to, but she hadn’t considered how awkward that might be for him. He was only looking to get laid. He’d admitted that was a goal he set every day. She didn’t want to make his life difficult, so she’d left. He shouldn’t have to face her and feel embarrassed. He could go about his business, go to his club tonight if he wanted to—and get laid. She shuddered. The thought of him with another woman. No. She couldn’t let her mind go there.
She let herself in through the front door of the center and smiled as she looked around. It was busy, as it always was on a Saturday. Little kids were running around. The oldies were holding court in the cafeteria. A bunch of vets were watching TV. She spotted TJ amongst them and turned away—only to see Terry sitting there.
“What are you doing here, Gracie?”
“Same as I always do. What are you doing here?”
He chuckled. “Okay, now I know something’s up. Why so defensive?”
“I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. Where’s Oscar?”
“Why would I know?”
He shook his head and scowled. “Why do you run away from anything good in your life?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t.”
“I think you do.”
Grace shook her head. “I really don’t. I haven’t had many good things in my life, Terry. The few I’ve had have either been taken away from me, or I’m still clinging on tight.” She relaxed a little as she realized the truth of that. “I have this place and you and Spider and Louise. I’m hanging on to all of you.”
“And what about Oscar?”
“He’s not in my life.”
“Only because you ran out on him.”
Her heart started to pound. “And what do you know about it?”
“He just called, wanting to know if you were here. I told him, no, but he asked me to let him know if you show up.”
“Well, I’m asking you not to.”
“Sorry, Gracie. I gave him my word.”
“Okay, bye then.”
She turned around. She didn’t need Oscar chasing her down here. There was no need for it. She’d see him on Monday. Hopefully, then, it would be a little less embarrassing for both of them.
“Why don’t you want to hear what he has to say?”
“Because, Terry, I made a fool of myself.”
“I don’t think so. I think you should wait till he gets here, listen to him.”
“There’s no point. He doesn’t want me, and I like him too much.”
“He does want you, you stubborn girl. Why won’t you see that? I can see it; hell, everyone can see it. Everyone except you. Any other girl would be thrilled that a guy like him had fallen in love with her. You? You’re too busy fighting for survival to even notice.”
“What do you mean? You of all people know what it’s like to have to fight to survive. I thought you’d understand.” Grace was angry. She’d never have expected Terry to turn on her. She’d raised her voice and people were looking at them. She stalked to the back door and let herself out. Terry followed and waited until she’d taken up her perch on the wall before he spoke again.
“I’m sorry, Gracie. I don’t want to upset you, but you need to hear it. You’re so used to believing that you have to fight for everything that you haven’t noticed that something amazing has landed in your lap.”
Grace scowled at him. “I have realized. We’re saving this place. That’s amazing. And okay, I’ll admit it. Oscar and me seeing each other—that’s been amazing. I have noticed it, and I am grateful for this good thing that’s happened to me. I’ve tried to make the most of it, but I want more, and I know that’s stupid, okay?
Terry shook his head. “I’ll tell you what’s stupid, shall I?”
Grace nodded sullenly. She knew he was going to.
“You’ve gotten so used to surviving that you can’t see beyond it. I’m not criticizing you. I’m trying to help. I see you doing the same thing I did.”
“What do you mean.”
“Remember that first morning we met, and you gave me your coffee?”
Grace nodded.
“It threw me. I’d spent the night sleeping in here because it was too cold outside. I’d survived. That’s all I was trying to do. Then you gave me coffee, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t need coffee, I didn’t even want coffee. Coffee was more than I thought I deserved at that point.” Terry stopped and stared off into space. “What I’m trying to say, Gracie, is that life has given us a lot of lemons—you and me—and we’ve gotten pretty good at making lemonade.”
She gave him a grudging smile. She could agree with that.
“But that’s not all there is. I learned it when you encouraged me to keep coming back here. Yeah. I could make it through the night without freezing to death, and I could scavenge enough to eat, but there’s so much more to life. There’s friendship and community—and there’s love like I’ve found here.” He smiled. “You’re in the same trap I was.”
“It’s not a trap though. I’m proud of myself. I’m proud of what I’m doing for this place, what I’ve achieved so far.”
Terry shook his head. “You should be proud of yourself. Like I said, you’ve gotten pretty good at making lemonade, but that doesn’t mean your story should end with lemonade. This Oscar—he’s crazy about you. We all see it; we all know it, but you think he’s so far out of your league you’re not even open to the idea. Gracie, right now, life is offering you champagne and strawberries, and you’re turning them down because you only know how to make lemonade.”
Grace’s eyes filled with tears and a big lump formed in her throat. She slid down from the wall and crouched beside Terry’s wheelchair. “I love you, Terry.”
“Love you, too, Gracie,” he croaked.