CHAPTER FOUR
Emerson
I’M LYING IN MY HOSPITAL bed, in complete and utter shock, my hand resting on my stomach, gently rubbing in circles. I’ve just returned from surgery after having my D&C. I’m still amazed that I was pregnant. I’m even more shocked that I didn’t know. Now, not only have I lost everyone, but also I’ve lost the last piece of Brian that I didn’t even know I had. My thoughts are interrupted when my best friend, Bella, comes barreling into my room.
As soon as my eyes land on her, the waterworks begin, and I let out all the grief that I have been holding in. The sound that comes from my throat is gut wrenching. “Oh, Ems,” Bella says as she wraps me in her arms, my body shaking uncontrollably as I let everything out. Bella keeps hold of me and begins to rub my back in circles whispering, “Shhhhh,” over and over, but I can’t stop. The floodgates have opened and a tsunami of tears is flowing.
Lifting my head, I sombrely whisper, “They’re all gone, Bels.” SNIFF “I’m all alone.” SNIFF “Mom, Dad, and Dave.” SNIFF “Jim and Sue.” SNIFF “Bbbbbrian and Peanut.” SNIFF “My baby.” At the thought of the child that Brian and I had conceived, the child that I had just lost, I completely break down. Pushing Bella away from me, I scream and thrash my arms into the bed. “No, no, no!” I bellow. I continue to scream and shout, getting louder and louder as grief and sadness engulfs me. A nurse runs into my room and tries to get me to calm down, but I’m lost in my mind. The events from today whirring around and around on repeat. I keep seeing everyone, happy one minute, gone the next. I’m stuck in this vortex of despair. Vaguely, I can hear her and Bella’s voices, but nothing is registering.
I feel a prick in my arm and I’m pushed back onto the bed. Everything around me becomes fuzzy and begins to dull.
My body becomes heavy.
I start to relax as the universe around me fades away.
Then there is nothing but blackness.
* * *
Opening my eyes, I see that the sky outside is beginning to lighten as the sun peeks its head over the horizon. My body is stiff and sore. I carefully sit up and extend my arms over my head, stretching out all my muscles from head to toe. A gratified moan slips from my lips as I lie back down. Looking toward the window, I notice there’s a blonde ball of fluff curled in the chair next to my bed. I smile when I realize that Bels is still here.
Rolling onto my side, I stare over at her sleeping. That can’t be comfortable, I think to myself when I hear her sleepy voice. “Are you watching me sleep? ‘Cause if you are that’s really, really creepy.” She opens her eyes and sadly smiles at me. “How you doing, sweetie?”
“Better now, I think.” Shaking my head, a hiss escapes. “Actually, I have no flippin’ idea how I feel right now.” Pausing, I swallow before adding, “Bels, I…I’m sorry about earlier, I–”
“Don’t you dare apologize for that, Emerson Grace. Don’t you dare apologize at all.” She sits up, her eyes boring into me.
“Oh, both names. You mean business,” I say with a hint of sarcasm.
“Hardy har har. But seriously, you can break down like that anytime you need. Ems, you have just suffered a horrible, horrible loss. I can’t even imagine what you are going through right now. But know this, I will be here with you every step of the way. You hear me?”
Nodding my head, I hold back the tears that are threatening to fall. “Yep, okay. Thanks, Bels.” Before we can talk anymore, the nurse walks in and asks her to leave. “I’ll get us coffee and be right back.”
Reaching out, I squeeze her hand. “Thanks, Bels.”
Once the door has closed, the nurse asks me how I’m feeling, what my pain levels are, and then she explains what will happen now that I’ve had the procedure. I’m listening to her talk, but nothing that she is saying is registering. I really wish Bella was still here. Thankfully, there is a knock on the door, but when it opens I see two detectives standing there. I wish for the conversation with the nurse to continue, I’m not ready to talk to them. I’m not ready to face the truth of what happened yesterday.
Before they even say anything, Bella comes back into the room. She goes into attorney mode. “I’m Ms. James’s legal counsel, Bella Jamison.”
The officers look shocked at Bella’s outburst. I’ve never seen her in ‘attorney mode’ before, so this is quite shocking. She is normally so quiet and timid, but here, she’s a total ballbuster.
“Ms. Jamison, Ms. James, I’m Detective Johnson and this is my partner, Detective Ramirez. We won’t take up much of your time, but if you are up to it, Ms. James, we’d like to get a statement from you.”
“Umm, I, ah, don’t really remember much. We were walking and then there was gunfire.” Pausing, I swallow deeply, “Th…then Brian threw himself at me and knocked me to the ground. He saved me.” The room goes quiet. Wiping away the tears, I then ask, “Apart from my family, was anyone else hurt?”
“The gunman’s wife was also a casualty,” Detective Ramirez says.
“And the gunman?” I hesitantly ask. Panic begins to fester, at the thought of him still being out there.
“He is also deceased, ma’am. He turned the gun on himself.”
Tears begin to fall once again, I’m relieved that he is also dead, but that won’t bring those that I love back. “So…he can’t hurt me?” I stammer through my tears.
“No, ma’am, he cannot hurt you. What you have told us matches witness statements from the park. Thank you for your time, and we are sorry for your losses.”
Losses, plural, I think to myself. I realized that everyone is staring at me so I clear my throat. “Thanks, detectives,” I say, wiping away my tears.
They both exit the room and Bella climbs onto the bed with me and wraps me in her arms. We stay like this until my tummy rumbles loudly for what feels like ten minutes, we both giggle at the interruption. “Luckily, when I got coffee I also grabbed two, decadent-looking, triple chocolate muffins.” My stomach rumbles again. “Looks like I chose well.”
Bella gets up and hands me a coffee and a muffin before sitting back in her chair. We eat our muffins and drink our coffees in silence. Once I’m finished, I look to Bella and ask, “Can you ask when I get to go home? I don’t want to be here.”
“Sure thing. Be right back.”
She leaves the room and I carefully get out of bed and shuffle into the adjoining bathroom. After finishing, I wash my hands and look in the mirror. Staring at my reflection, I don’t recognize the girl standing before me. Yesterday morning, I was a happy twenty-eight-year-old, with two loving parents, an annoying brother, engaged to a wonderful man whom I was going to grow old with, and we were planning the wedding of our dreams. Now, I’m an orphan. My mom, my dad, my annoying brother, and the man of my dreams, along with our baby we didn’t know about, are all dead.
I’m all alone.
The grief slams into me like a freight train. Slapping my palm against the mirror in anguish, I let out a strangled cry. My grief pours out of me as I continue to slap the mirror. Repeating over and over, “No. No. No.” The tears endlessly stream down my face. I heave, the air in the bathroom is thick, hot, and unfamiliar. I can’t breathe. I can’t stand. I can’t move. Brian would know how to comfort me, I think to myself, and at the thought of him I lean against the mirror and let the sorrow overtake me.
Bella opens the bathroom door and my head snaps up to her. She reaches for me, but I flinch and pull back. I just want to be alone. “No, don’t touch me!” I bark. “Just leave me alone. Please, just go.” I turn my back on her, and lift my left hand to cover my mouth as I continue to cry. I hear Bella shuffling around behind me. Spinning around to face her, I yell, “Go! Get out. Just leave me be!” We stand there, staring at one another, both of us crying. I’m the first to break and I whisper, “Please, Bella, I just need to be alone.”
“Okay, I’ll go, Ems, BUT I will be back in the morning to take you home. They want to keep you in for another night. Sleep tight and I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She doesn’t wait for my reply. She turns her back on me and walks out, leaving me alone in the bathroom. I stare at the door as it closes. Shaking my head, I let out a frustrated sigh. I just sent the one person who has been here for me away, leaving me alone with my thoughts and memories. The silence becomes deafening.
I thought I wanted to be alone, but as it turns out, I don’t…but the one person I want here, will never be here again.