CHAPTER EIGHT
Emerson
THE PAST SEVEN MONTHS HAVE been out of this world mind-blowingly awesome; they have been filled with high highs and some low lows. It’s amazing how one minute while standing on top of Machu Picchu, I’m smiling and shouting out into the canyon. And the next, I’m sitting on the ground with tears cascading down my cheeks.
So many times, I grabbed my new phone to text or call Bella, but I knew that if I heard her voice I’d crumble and head straight back home. Even though I wanted to hear her voice, I wasn’t ready for that just yet. Occasionally, I sent her an e-mail to let her know I was still alive and okay, but that’s as far as contact with her went. Sheridan kept e-mailing me too, but I ignored her contact. I figured that between her and the board, the James Corporation was in good hands and I had nothing to worry about.
On this trip, I have done most of the things that Brian and I had always dreamed of doing together, with a few spur-of-the-moment additional side trips, as well. A highlight was white water rafting in the Swiss Alps, which was so magical; paddling down the stream with water that was beyond freezing but very refreshing at the same time.
By taking this leap, I have gained my life back. I can feel the old Emerson surfacing again. With each stop the crack in my heart is glued back together, but it will never be the same again. Even though things on the outside are vastly different, my hair is no longer shoulder-length, it’s long and wavy, and the vibrancy of the red is coming back. My once pasty white skin is now tanned a lovely golden color; thanks to the Mediterranean cruise and the Greek island hop, and my legs are toned and defined due to the hiking and adventures that I have embarked upon. Now, when I look in the mirror I glimpse parts of the old me. My eyes still don’t sparkle brightly like they once did, but they do have life behind them again, and I think, it’s due to this trip.
Hopefully, with time, they will sparkle and shine once again.
The Emerson James of the past is gone, because on that fateful day I didn’t just lose everyone, I lost myself too. Slowly but surely, Emerson 2.0 is slowly emerging. Some days I feel like the old me, but then something will happen and—bam—an avalanche of grief hits and I’m sucked back into the grief vortex. This trip has been really therapeutic for me, but at the same time absolutely gut-wrenching. I should be doing these things with Brian, not by myself. Sometimes I think that embarking on this journey is my way of letting Brian continue to live, while at the same time healing me from the inside out.
Finally, I am on my way to becoming happy and content, but most of all, I proved to myself I can do things on my own. I’m no longer ‘Poor Emerson, she lost everyone,’ I’m now ‘Emerson James, world traveller who takes risks.’
The biggest risk I took was in September when I booked a spur-of-the-moment trip to Munich, Germany, to see Brian’s favorite band: The Script. It was an amazing concert, and when I realized that the Oktoberfest was also on, I decided to extend my trip so I could attend. Who knew the Oktoberfest was on in September? I thought it was in October. Brian and I had always wanted to go, but life always seemed to get in the way. Not this time though. It was as if Brian and fate intervened and that I was meant to be here.
* * *
It’s day two of the Oktoberfest, and I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, tying the laces on my Chucks, when a wave of sadness hits. I pause mid tie and slip onto the floor. The tears break free and I begin to sob uncontrollably. In this very moment, I miss Brian with all my heart; he should be here with me. These bouts of sadness always seem to hit when I’m doing something random: brushing my teeth, drinking coffee, making a bed, you name it and I can cry over it, but I’m dealing with the loss much better these days. These moments are becoming less and less frequent, and when they do slam into me, they are becoming less painful.
After the tears have stopped, I stand up and wipe away the remaining wetness on my cheeks before bending down to finish tying my laces. Walking over to the bathroom, I splash water on my face and freshen up. After hanging up the hand towel, I stare at my reflection for a few moments. For the first time in a long time, I recognize the girl staring back at me. I’m me again, well almost, and that makes me smile. Slowly, but surely, I am healing. Taking a deep breath, I give myself another pep talk. “It’s Oktoberfest, Brian would want you to have fun. Now, pull up your lederhosen and go get your beer on.”
Grabbing my room key, my aviators, and my bag, I head to the fairground for another beer-filled adventure at the Oktoberfest. Ten hours later, I’m all beer and pretzeled out. It’s closing time and I may be a little tipsy, and by a little, I mean a lot. My new friends Kenzie and Jordan are escorting me back to my hotel, which so happens to be where they are also staying. They are from Australia and are traveling Europe with their children. Jordan is some Aussie craft beer bigwig and they come to the fest every few years. It was actually here at the fest that he decided to open his brewery. They are both pretty awesome and I’m glad I bumped into Kenzie in the restroom. Funny story, Kenzie found me in the corner crying, I became overwhelmed when someone asked me if I wanted a pretzel, a damn pretzel. She wrapped me in a hug and took me under her wing. She’s pretty awesome and I’m glad to have met her…she actually reminds me of Bella.
The next morning, I wake and wait for the hangover from hell to hit, but surprisingly I feel pretty good. Apart from a queasy tummy, I’m okay; I love German beer. Since I feel pretty good, I decide to sightsee today. I’m walking through the foyer when I bump into Kenzie, Jordan, and their two little girls. “Morning, guys.”
“Wow, you’re up. I thought you’d sleep the day away,” Kenzie says, as she hugs me lightly.
“I know, right? I thought for sure I’d be dying a slow and painful death today.”
“German beer is awesome,” Jordan says. “They don’t use any preservatives—hence—no hangover.”
“Well, I think I’m now a German beer convert,” I say with a big smile.
“If you think this is great, you should come down under and try mine. I like to think I give the Germans a run for their money, but I’m man enough to admit that they are goodly beer makers.”
Scrunching my eyebrows, I look at him inquisitively. “Umm, you do know that goodly doesn’t mean good, right? It means of large size.”
Both Kenzie and Jordan laugh. “We know,” they say in unison.
“My dear wife here has a language all of her own, and after hanging around her for over ten years now, I’ve caught her ‘Kenzie-isms.’” He stares at Kenzie as he says this, his eyes full of love for his wife, and a pang of sadness hits because Brian used to look at me like that. Discreetly, I wipe my eye, but the eagle-eyed Kenzie notices.
“You okay, Emerson?”
“I’m fine. I’ve haven’t seen a couple so in love like you guys are in a while, and it makes me miss my fiancé. The look Jordan just gave you reminded me of how Brian used to look at me.”
“Jordan is the yin to my yang. Our path here wasn’t easy, but he’s now stuck with me forever.” She winks and blows him a kiss before adding, “You never mentioned how you lost, Brian, I think you said his name was?”
I wasn’t expecting the question and the wind is knocked out of me. Pursing my lips, I take a deep breath. “He and everyone I held dear to me were shot by a man in Central Park, in November last year.” A lone tear falls down my cheek. “Brian died saving me.”
“Oh my God! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Kenzie says, as she envelops me up in a hug, again reminding me of Bella.
Wrapping my arms around her, I hug her back. There’s something about this hug that makes me realize I will be okay. “It’s okay. I’m getting better at telling people. At least now I don’t crumble into a million pieces. To be honest, it’s nice that you aren’t treating me like a piece of glass. Everyone back home was tiptoeing around me. Treating me like a delicate flower. I wasn’t delicate before it happened. I was strong. Confident. Yeah, sure, I crumbled and was lost, but who wouldn’t be after losing everyone they love? I just want to be treated like the me from before. Do you know what I mean?” Looking up, I see understanding written all over Kenzie’s face as she nods her head in agreement.
“I know exactly what you mean, Emerson. Before I had the girls…” She looks around to make sure they aren’t looking at her, she whispers, “I was kidnapped and attacked.” Reaching out, she squeezes Jordan’s hand. “People treated me the same way and I hated it. I too pushed everyone away. Well, almost everyone.” She nods toward Jordan. “I made a vow to never make anyone feel like that. We are survivors. We are strong. Sure, we may have been knocked down, but people are much stronger than they know. Sometimes it takes a fucked-up situation to make you tougher.”
“Bad word, Mummy,” one of the little girls says in the cutest little Aussie accented voice I have ever heard.
Kenzie crouches down. “I’m sorry, baby girl. I did say a bad word. I’ll pop a coin in the jar when we get back from the zoo. Okay?” The little girl nods her head and looks up at me with a super big smile on her face.
“Hello there. What’s your name?” I say as I crouch down to her height.
“I’m Indie.”
Her sister pushes her to the side. “I’m Rory.”
“Nice to meet you both. I love your dresses.”
“Thank you,” they say in unison, each doing a little spin.
“Well, I better let you all get to the zoo. That sounds like a fun day. I hope you get to see monkeys, monkeys are my favorite zoo animal.”
“I like lephants,” Indie, I think, says.
“I like ranga-roo’s,” Rory, I think, says.
I’d be no good with twins, I can’t tell these two lil’ munchkins apart, I think to myself as the girls start making animal noises. “Well, sounds like you will have an awesome day. Have fun, guys,” I say and stand back up and glance toward Kenzie again. “Enjoy your day at the zoo. I was going to sightsee, but now I’m thinking a lazy day by the pool is in order.”
“Enjoy your day, Emerson,” Jordan says. “Let’s go, munchkins.” He takes each of their hands and heads toward the exit as the girls squeal with excitement. Kenzie hangs back. “Are you sure you’re okay? I didn’t mean to upset you when I asked.”
Shaking my head, I reply, “No, I’m okay, really. For the first time when telling someone what happened, it didn’t shred me to pieces. As you said, I’m stronger than I think. I know it will get easier with time and today proved that.” The girls laughing grabs my attention and I find myself smiling. “You better go before they start getting antsy.”
Kenzie envelopes me in another one of her hugs and whispers, “You will survive this, Emerson. Don’t let the man get you down.” She kisses me on the cheek and then skips over to her kids and Jordan. I stand there and watch them head outside and into the waiting cab to take them to the zoo.
Kenzie’s words play over in my head and I know she it right. “I will survive,” I mumble to myself, as I turn around and head back to my room to get changed for a day chilling by the pool…but no beer or pretzels today. As the lift takes me up to my floor, I realize that even though I’m alone, I will be fine. After all, as Dave would say, ‘You are Emerson James.’