Chapter Twenty-Four
Asa didn’t have an immediate retort for her. In his mind, he believed he’d order her home and that would be that. He thought after some time apart she’d realize that what he did was for her but apparently the separation hadn’t been long enough.
The thing was, he had no intention of leaving this house without Jamie so he decided the best course of action was to switch tactics. With a heavy sigh, he raked his fingers through his hair, headed to the bed and sat down.
He patted the empty spot next to him.
Jamie shook her head.
Asa gritted his teeth and said, “Please. I promise I won’t touch you…unless you want me to.”
She hesitated and for a moment Asa thought she’d defy him again but to his relief she sat next to him, although she placed herself on the edge of the bed. It didn’t matter because at least this was a sign that she was at least willing to hear him out.
“Jamie…I cannot and will not apologize for what I’ve done, especially for what I did to your father. That bastard deserved to die and if you say he didn’t then you’re a damn liar.”
“Even if he did, what gave you the right? It’s against the law.”
“Legally, I probably am in the wrong but morally, I’m saving lives.”
“How?”
“Let me start out by asking you a question. When you were growing up, did you often wish for someone to rescue you and take you far away?”
Jamie didn’t answer right away but finally she nodded.
“So did I. I had a dream that I was actually adopted and my real parents would come and get me. That was a particular fantasy I had when I was smaller and still believed in fairy tales. I lost count of how many times I was punched in the stomach or slapped in the face when I did something that my father felt was a disgrace to the Stansfield name. My father would only show affection toward me and my mother when we were out in public to maintain his image. One of those times, I actually let my guard down. I played soccer between the ages of nine and twelve because my father said playing a sport would build character. I had to be the star or else I’d catch hell.”
“Well, there was one particular game where we were simply outplayed. I did everything I could to win, knowing that if we didn’t I would be in for it. When we lost, a funny thing happened. He walked over to me, gave me a hug and told me it was all right because I’d played my best. I should have seen the warning signs but I was so relieved that he didn’t go off on me that I relaxed a little. The coach offered to take us out for ice cream. To my shock, my father said I could go along. So I had a great time with my teammates laughing it up and being a kid for that one moment. My dad had tagged along to the ice cream shop, by the way. On the ride home, I felt...happy. I don’t think I knew what that was until right then. All I ever wanted was to please him and make him proud of me. And in my unsuspecting mind, I thought maybe he decided that I didn’t have to be perfect in order for him to love me back.”
“So we got home, and the second I walked through the door, he punched me in the face so hard, he broke my nose for the first time. He told me that I didn’t deserve that ice cream that I was a loser who let my entire team down. It didn’t matter that the other team was just better. That’s when I stopped wishing that someone would rescue me and started to pray that he would die. Jamie, that incident when he and I fought, I honestly didn’t mean to kill him. I just snapped and couldn’t take his tyranny anymore. But as I stood above his body, something was roused inside of me. The beast that had been sleeping, the one he created, was awake. I enjoyed seeing him that way. If I could, I would have killed him over and over again.
“My mother wasn’t a much better parent. She’d often berate me, taking out her frustration on me because he beat her ass regularly, too. With my father gone, there was a power shift in the house. And since my father had left everything in my name, I held her future in the palm of my hands. And even though the beast told me to kill her too because she allowed him to do those things to me, I didn’t. The rational part of my brain said that she was as much a victim as I was. Besides, she was too much of a mess. She drank herself to death within two years. And, I didn’t feel a thing. I think I stopped feeling a very long time ago and I can’t pinpoint when it happened.”
“My father was able to get away with what he did for so long because of the image he projected to the world. Everyone thought he was a wonderful man but he wasn’t. Most kids are scared of the monster under the bed, well my father was that monster and that label stuck in my mind.”
“After his death, I just went through the motions of life and I guess I ended up fulfilling my father’s dreams for me after all because I’d been programmed to be a doctor all my life. It’s was the only thing I knew. Until one night of my internship, I saw a little boy, who’d been abused. The parents gave some excuse that he fell off his bike but his injuries weren’t consistent with what was described. I reported my suspicions but it turned out the father had some powerful connections. To the outside world, they were the all-American family. That’s when I knew someone had to do something about these types of people. I took him out and had no remorse. Though the little boy who had been admitted to the hospital didn’t make it, they had other children. You can’t convince me that I didn’t save them by doing what did. And, I did it again. And again. And I loved it. I fucking relished it. Now you may think that I’m wrong for what I did, but these people lived lives to the outside world that was spotless but, on the inside not so much. Just like I did. And exactly like you did. I save lives by killing monsters.”
Jamie folded her hands in her lap and bent her head. “But…you enjoy it way too much. I think there might be something seriously wrong with you.”
Asa shrugged. “I’ve never disputed that. But let me ask you another question Jamie and I need you to answer honestly. When you were younger, did you wish someone would rescue you?”
“Yes, all the time.”
“And secretly, you wish there had been someone around like me. That city councilman, he had a son who he was using as a punching bag. He was taking him to different hospitals so we wouldn’t catch on. He projected this image that he was some upstanding citizen while his son has suffered extreme injuries. Do you want to know what the boy’s records uncovered?” Asa continued without waiting for Jamie to respond. “There was anal tearing. And when asked what happened. That boy was terrified. So, I took out his monster because no one would have done a goddamn thing. The Sunday school teacher who’d put her cigarettes out on her stepson’s skin. Killing her gave me so much pleasure. Your father—”
“No.” Jamie covered her ears with her palms.
Asa snatched them down. “You’ll listen to this. I caught him and kept him in my shed. I didn’t feed him because I wanted him to feel that same hunger that he’d forced on you. Do you remember that, Jamie? How that felt?”
Jamie started to cry. “I felt hopeless. I prayed that I’d die to end the pain.”
“Look me in the eyes and tell me what I did was wrong. Tell me what you thought about your father, the man who had no remorse whatsoever. He looked at you with such contempt even after all this time, refusing to take responsibility for the cruelties he perpetuated on you.”
“I hated him!” Jamie screamed. “Okay? Are you happy? I hated him. He took away my hope, my belief in myself as a person worthy of being. He destroyed me.”
“Did he deserve to die?” Asa asking softly, seeing that she was starting to break down.
“Yes! He deserved it.”
“I know you feel that way. Because even though part of you was horrified and disgusted in me, you enjoyed it, too. There’s a beast inside of you, too, Jamie. I told you when we met, that we’re kindred spirits. You’re not much different from me. You might not have the heart to carry out the executions, but you loved to watch. That’s what you were really running from, Jamie. The truth is, you were running from yourself.”
She lowered her and sobbed. “I’m a monster, too.”
Asa scooted over until their hips touched. He caught her face in the palm of his hands. “No. You’re not a monster. You’re my savior. I need you. We need each other whether you’re willing to accept that or not. Come home with me, Jamie.”
Jamie sniffed as she looked into his eyes. “I’m scared,” she whispered.
“Of what? Me?” asked softly.
“No, of me. You were right. I guess you do know me better than I think.”
“Does this mean you’ll come home with me?”
Jamie took a deep breath before answering. “Yes.”