CHAPTER 31
Gunnar’s gloved hand landed heavily on Axe’s shoulder. “Why don’t you take a break, man? You’ve been at this for hours.”
“So has everyone else,” he growled, shaking off Gunn’s hand and looking around the rubble pile. The days had flowed together as volunteers moved from one site to another, slowly but surely cleaning up the debris left by the tornado.
“Everyone else isn’t trying to work themselves to the bone to forget a woman.”
“Yeah? Who says I’m trying to forget?”
If only it were that easy. It was this limbo that sucked. Over two weeks of stilted conversations that more often than not, ended in an argument. Haley refused to budge about moving here, and he didn’t see a future for himself off the ranch.
Gunnar’s voice grew impatient. “If you’re not trying to forget, what the hell are you trying to do? Make everyone around you as miserable as you are?”
“I’m not doing that.”
Lie.
Of course he was. He’d been grumpy with everyone. Including Gunnar. Most of all, himself. Was he really going to let Haley raise their child by herself? The thought of that set his blood boiling. He wanted to be there for all the milestones. Strike that. He wanted her here. The acrid taste of bitterness burned at the back of his throat, and he swung around to stare hard at his brother. “She’s having a baby. Did you know that?”
Gunnar’s eyes grew wide. Then a grin burst across his face. “I’ll be damned.” He clapped Axel on the shoulder. “That’s great news.”
“Is it?”
Gunnar looked confused. “It’s not?” Then he narrowed his eyes. “Don’t be a douchebag. You’re gonna do right by her, right?”
“Of course I am. If she’ll let me.”
“I don’t follow. Why wouldn’t she? It’s pretty obvious she adores you.”
“Yeah? Then why the fuck did she leave?”
Gunnar crossed his arms. “’Cause she has, I don’t know… a job?”
Resentment surged through him. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”
“Don’t be an ass then. Do you love her?”
“What do you think?”
“Then what the hell are you doing here?”
He hated it when Gunnar turned quietly reasonable. Gunnar was supposed to use these tactics on Pops, not him. “I won’t let her support me.”
“Who says she’d be supporting you?”
“What am I supposed to do in Norman? Ranch remotely?”
Gunnar stared hard at him, a curious light growing in his eyes. “Why not?”
“Ranch remotely.” Axel didn’t bother to keep the sarcasm from his voice. “Right. ’Cause Pops’ll be all over that shit.”
“Why not open a branch of Hansen Stables down there? Team up with Hope? She works everywhere, right? You’ve been more interested in what she’s been doing, lately. Why not train with her? Or do any of the other things you’ve always talked about doing but never had the balls to fight dad on.”
That burned. “Now wait a fat second. What in the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Just that.” Gunnar raised an eyebrow, drilling him with a hard stare. “Maybe you should stop selling yourself and the family short by not implementing your ideas.”
“Hold on, this family means everything to me.”
Amusement flicked across Gunnar’s face. “Don’t get your boxers in a bunch. No one said you don’t love this family. But that doesn’t mean bending over backward to do everything Dad says.”
“I don’t–”
Gunnar held up a hand. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what Dottie said at Warren’s service, and I think she only got it part right.”
“I don’t follow.”
“Family. Yes our family’s here, and yes, Prairie’s our family, and we should stick around because of that. But that’s not the only way to be family. Look at us.”
Axel narrowed his gaze at his brother. “You goin’ all Warren on me?”
Gunnar flashed him a crooked smile and lifted a shoulder. “Think about it. Pops still helps out Aunt Peg, and she’s lived off ranch since forever. Pops didn’t disown Hope for refusing to attend K-State, or for getting kicked out of veterinary school. And Cody’s been off riding bulls – the same bulls that Aunt Peg blames for killing Uncle Monty. He’s been gone how long – four, five years? And Pops still sends him care packages.”
Axel remembered Aunt Peg was fit to be tied when his cousin Cody left to join the Pro Bull Riding circuit. She’d cried for days. But Gunnar was right, no one had bailed out on Cody. Everyone in town followed his career.
Gunnar bent to pick up a rock, studied it, then aimed for a nearby tree, hitting it square in the trunk. “And family doesn’t mean keepin’ your mouth shut when you should be speaking up. Even if it’s painful. Hell, the only reason we’ve updated as much as we have is because I’ve been sitting in the hot seat with Pops.”
“That’s not–”
Gunnar shook his head. “You’ve had some great ideas, Axe. And I’ve gone to Pops with some of them. But you need to stand up for yourself where he’s concerned. It’s time for you to take a turn in the hot seat. I need a break.”
Axel gaped at his brother, stunned. “What do you mean you’ve been sitting in the hot seat?” How many times had he gotten into it with Pops? Stomped out of the barn licking his wounds because Eddie refused to listen to reason? Axel dragged a hand across his jaw, trying to make sense of what Gunn was saying. Could it be they had entirely different views of what had been going on over the years?
“All those times dad stews in the barn? It’s because I’ve chewed him out over breakfast.” Gunnar answered wryly. “He’s threatened to disown me at least half a dozen times.”
“Well, shit.” Now who was the ass? “Why didn’t you say anything?”
Gunnar shrugged. “Because Pops is full of shit on half the things, and scared shitless on the other.” He cocked his head. “I can’t believe you haven’t figured that out.”
Neither could he.
He’d been so wrapped up in his own insecurity, he’d never bothered to look outside himself until very recently. “I thought he was disappointed in me. Disappointed that I wasn’t more like you.”
Gunnar shook his head. “If he was, it was only because you didn’t push back hard enough. Gotta fight for what you want most, man. If you don’t want it bad enough, you won’t fight for it. And why should he invest in something you don’t have the fight for?”
Fuck.
He’d been looking at this all wrong. His whole adult life. He’d spent his time trying to make people happy instead of fighting for what he knew was right for the business. Or for what would make him happy.
Gunnar narrowed his eyes. “So what’s it gonna be little brother? What’s worth fighting for?”
Haley’s face shimmered in front of him as his resolve grew with each breath. Come hell or high water, he was going to fight for the life he wanted with Haley, the life he should have fought for all those years ago, but didn’t know how. Even if it didn’t make sense to anyone but him, but them. That was all that mattered. Them.
“Dad’s probably stewing in the barn right now,” said Gunnar with a trace of laughter. “It’s possible I told him his training methods were outdated and we needed to hire Hope as a consultant.”
Axel flashed his brother a grin, and pulled him into a hug. “Thanks, man. I think I’ll take that break you suggested.”
For the first time since the he’d discovered Haley was pregnant, hope surged through Axel. He hurried through volunteer checkout and hopped in the old ’52 GMC that he’d been using since the storm. An idea formed in his mind as he sped home, for once, not worrying about whether Travis would pull him over for speeding.
Axel paused at the barn door, a tendril of uncertainty threading through him. He shook it off, determined to keep his cool and fight for his future. He stepped into the dimmer space and paused for a second, letting his eyes adjust. “Pops? You in here?”
Sure enough, Eddie stepped out of a stall and motioned him forward. The men spoke at the same time.
“There’s something you need to know.”
“I gotta talk to you.”
An awkward silence settled between them.
“You go first, Pops.” Eddie wasn’t a storyteller. If he had something to say, Axel would listen. Really listen.
Eddie cleared his throat and grimaced, reaching a hand to rest on a post. “I’m the last one left, and that don’t sit so well with me. And it’s not easy to tell you, because I’ve made a lotta mistakes.”
“Pops?”
Eddie raised his eyes.
“How ’bout a beer?” Axel didn’t know why that had just popped into his head, but it seemed like the right thing. He’d never seen his dad looking so out of sorts.
Eddie looked relieved, and nodded, gesturing to the door. They trudged silently up the hill, past the arena where the laughter of children bounced out the door. There was something so hopeful about their laughter. It satisfied Axel to no end to know they were providing a safe place to families during the recovery. And Eddie had made it personally clear to every family staying in the arena that they were welcome to stay for as long as they needed.
When they arrived at the back porch, Axel gestured for his dad to sit, and stepped into the kitchen to grab two beers. He smiled to himself. Pops didn’t go for microbrews the way he and Gunn did, but it wouldn’t hurt him to drink a decent beer this once. He popped the tops and stepped back out, handing one to Eddie.
Eddie took a pull, then grimaced. “What the hell is this? You know I don’t like fancy beer.”
“Look at the label, Pops.”
Eddie glanced down. “Ad Astra. So?”
Axel took a seat next to him. “Ad astra per aspera. To the stars through adversity. State Motto. Seems fitting, don’tcha think?”
“Sure. Still don’t have to like it though.”
“Fair enough.”
They sat in silence, sipping slowly. Then Eddie sighed deeply and hunched forward on his elbows. “A parent’s worst fear is that they can’t protect their kids. But it’s also a brother’s. I couldn’t protect either of my brothers. And I’ll carry that guilt to my grave.”
The question burned on Axel’s tongue. “How did Monty die?”
Eddie glanced over, eyes raw with hurt and guilt. “I’ve been afraid to answer that question for years.”
“Warren said he got on the wrong side of a bull.”
Eddie winced and chuckled dryly. “That’s a kind way to put it. But it’s a lot more complicated than that.” Eddie took a sip of the beer and turned the bottle, studying the label closely. “Monty was trying to prove to us that raising rodeo bulls was safe. I didn’t believe it. We exchanged words, and all three of us – me, Monty, and Warren – ended up in the pasture with one of the bulls. Warren dropped off the fence and tried to ride him. Now the bull took exception to that, and tossed him easy. But we didn’t vacate the pasture.”
Eddie’s face closed off, his eyes far away in the memory. “The bull charged Warren, and Warren slipped trying to get out of the way. So, Monty… he put himself between Warren and the bull, and shouted to me to distract the bull. And I-I tried. But I was too far away. The bull got Monty.”
Axel’s grip tightened on the bottle, the scene vivid in front of him. What if that had been Gunnar? How would that tear him up? “So he died saving Uncle Warren?”
Eddie nodded once. “He died in my arms. There was no way to get him help fast enough.” His shoulders sagged. “I should have kicked you out of the nest years ago. You’ve always been chompin’ at the bit, but…” he opened his hand. “I was scared. And selfish. I know I wasn’t as welcoming to Haley as I could have been.” He shook his head. “Should have been.” Eddie turned, scrutinizing him. “I regret that and I’m sorry. There’s no excuse for my behavior. I thought if you could find a nice girl and marry her, and settle down here, like me and Martha, that you’d have a nice life. Stay safe. And I’d see my grandchildren play in the tree swing the way you and Gunn and Hope did.”
Axel stared at his dad, a whirlwind of emotions swirling through him. Where to even begin? On the one hand, he wanted to punch something. Rail against the years of lost time. At the same time, Axel could now see clearly what he needed to do with his life. Another silver lining from the disaster? Maybe the wind had blown away more than just structures.
Axel reached over, laying his arm across Eddie’s shoulders. “You can still have that, Pops. I did meet a nice girl, and I do want to marry her. And I promise, we’ll give you grandchildren. Sooner than you think. And we’ll visit as much as we can, but we can’t live here.”
Eddie puffed out his cheeks, blowing out a heavy sigh. “I know. I saw the way you two looked at each other. Like nothing else in the world mattered.”
Axel’s heart swelled, pressing uncomfortably on his chest. “Norman’s only three hours, Pops.”
“I know. And you were right, you know. During the storm. People before the business. Always. I lost sight of that.” Eddie turned, pride in his eyes. “I’m proud of you, son. More than you know.”
The words flowed over Axel like a soothing balm. How many years had he longed to hear his father speak them? It didn’t matter now. His dad was proud of him. Supported him. Understood him.
He swallowed, momentarily at a loss for words. Then he tilted his beer at Eddie. “We make quite a pair, don’t we?”
Eddie laughed, and leaned in for a hug. “I love you, son.”
“So I have this idea…”
Eddie groaned.