Patrick

“Pat, want to come to the pub?” Sean asked as he installed himself in my office, looking comfortable as he always did.

“Can’t you see I’m busy?” I asked.

“Come out and celebrate,” Sean said.

I dropped the pen I’d been holding, looked up at him, and glared. “What am I gonna celebrate?” I asked.

“What’s not to celebrate? But if you need something specific, celebrate the fact that Declan didn’t kick your ass,” Sean said.

I laughed despite myself. “He didn’t have a chance,” I said.

Sean shook his head. “He would have demolished you.”

I smiled but without humor. It had been absent since the moment she’d left. “Whatever, Sean, I’m busy,” I said.

Sean didn’t take the hint. “You’re just going to let that pass you by?” he asked.

“Let what pass me by?” I responded, though I knew full well what he was talking about.

“Don’t try that shit with me, Patrick. You know exactly what I’m talking about,” he said.

I looked up at him again, gave him a long-suffering glare.

“No, Sean, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said.

He shook his head. “Fine, you stubborn dick. You should be happy. Your lady is okay. You figured out who was trying to get rid of you and got rid of them first. Did all that while managing to keep that promise. Sounds like a reason for celebration. Or at least a reason not to be here…doing whatever the fuck you’re doing,” he said.

“She’s not my lady,” I said.

“Ahh,” Sean replied, looking as though he’d stumbled onto some great truth. “So we get to the heart of the matter. Are you having second thoughts about sending that lovely creature on her way?”

I glared at him harder. “Sean, Declan might have given me a run for my money, but I will kick the shit out of you,” I said.

Though I glared at him, he simply smiled. “Beat your baby brother? Not even a renegade like you would do such a thing so yeah, I’m good.”

“Sean…”

He snorted. “I know you’re stubborn, but so am I. I’m not going anywhere until we talk about this, so you might as well just spill it. I’ve got a couple of lovely young ladies waiting for me at the pub, and I’d hate to delay my arrival more than necessary.”

“How generous of you to take time out of your busy social calendar to check on your dear brother,” I said.

“Anything for you, Pat. So if you’re sad, why not go get her?”

“Just go get her? It’s that simple to you?” I asked.

He nodded. “It’s that simple. And it beats the alternative,” he said.

“The alternative being?”

“The alternative being always wondering what if, wondering how life would’ve been different, how you might’ve had a chance to be happy if only you had taken it,” he said.

The shifts were subtle, but I saw them, the flash of pain that crossed Sean’s face and was then gone, one of those rare reminders that Sean wasn’t completely okay. I didn’t bother to ask him about it, knew that he would brush it off, lie, and say that everything was fine. He asked us not to talk about it, and I would respect his wishes even though he seemed to have no qualms about not respecting mine.

“It really isn’t that simple,” I said.

Sean looked at me like I was insane. “She’s tough, and she clearly sees something in you. So what’s the problem?” he asked.

“The problem is she hates me and people like me,” I said.

“I know she doesn’t hate you. Saw that with my own eyes. So what is this about people like you?” he asked.

“She’s got an issue with people who have a more fluid interpretation of what’s legal,” I said.

“So she hates criminals?” he said with a smile.

I nodded, and Sean tilted his head. “Are you sure about that? She keeps it buttoned up, but she doesn’t strike me as the type who minds a walk on the wild side,” he said.

“You spent that much time looking at Nya?” I asked.

Sean lifted his hands. “For informational purposes only,” he said. “Don’t worry.”

“I’m not,” I replied with a quick smile.

We went quiet for a moment as I tossed my conundrum over in my head. A few minutes later, I continued. “Her father, who seems like a decent enough guy, spent a lot of her childhood in and out of jail. She never quite got over that.”

“Unfortunate, but I don’t know what that has to do with you. After all that happened, have you asked her how she feels now?” Sean said.

I shook my head quickly.

Sean looked at me with disgust. “Instead of moping, maybe you should do that. Things change and I saw the way you looked at each other. I’d hate for you to miss out.”

“I thought I was supposed to give you advice, not the other way around.”

“Consider it an exchange for the others. Now, if you don’t mind,” he said, standing.

“Enjoy your date, Sean.”

“Dates,” he said with a bright smile, and with that, he left me.

I dropped my pen again, stood and began pacing the office, Sean’s words playing in my mind along with memories of Nya.

That night she had left, I had wanted nothing more than for her to stay. But I knew that wasn’t possible, had known that even if I’d had a chance, all the things that happened had made it impossible. Nya had her feelings, and I knew that she hated my life, could never grow to get used to it. And after all that had happened, there was no way that could change.

I told myself that countless times, used that justification to stay away from her, something that was almost impossible.

But what if that wasn’t true? What if we had a chance?

I was headed toward the front door in the next breath. I didn’t know the answer to the question, but Sean had been right.

I refused to live the rest of my life wondering what if.