Chapter 26

Talia

I was seeing red. I still clutched my phone in my hand, blinking wildly as tears traced down my cheeks. My throat was constricted, and I struggled to draw breath, feeling only desolation and anger throttling through me. Lily-Rose was perched beneath me, seated on the rug and looking up at me. Her small voice quivered.

“Was that Fox? Is he… is he coming to the lesson?” she asked, almost breaking me in two.

“No, baby. No,” I sighed, leaning down. I ran my fingers through her tangled hair, looking at the freckles that popped up on her nose, just like Billie’s. “I’m sorry, but he can’t do the lessons today. You’ll just have to practice by yourself. Is that—“

But Lily-Rose burst from the rug, stomping toward the piano. Lifting her hand, she smashed it against the keys, making the room shake with reverberation. Her eyes were just as angry as I felt, and her shriek matched the tone of the chord.

“BUT I CAN’T PLAY WITHOUT HIM!” she cried. “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME, TALIA! YOU DON’T!”

“Lily-Rose, please! You have to calm down,” I said, reaching for her. But Lily-Rose jerked away from me, smashing her fists against the keys once more. I was unable to handle her; her anger and adrenalin were making her stronger.

“I don’t want to calm down! I want Fox!” Lily-Rose screamed. “He told me he would help me! He told me—” She began to blubber, now, wilting into herself. She stretched out across the piano bench, pressing her fists into her eyes while tears dripped down on the floor.

Watching her, I knew I couldn’t do anything at all to fix this. And, I realized, with another wave of shame, that the entire town had been correct about Fox all along. I raced toward the door. I snatched open the door, pointing and snapping my finger. “Lily-Rose, get into the car,” I said, my voice forceful. “We’re going to go do something about this. Now.”

Sensing the dominance in my voice, Lily-Rose leapt to her feet, her wailing clipping off. She strutted out the door, off the porch and toward the car. She waited, her hands crossed over her chest. “We’re going to get him back?” she asked me, as I approached. “You promise?”

I felt myself growing more and more manic with each passing moment. Out west, I could feel the addled nature of Fox’s words. It was clear he was falling back into drugs, that he was trying to escape all thoughts of me, of a family, maybe even of innocent Lily-Rose. But all the things he was running from were rooted in me. And I felt tired and strung-out, like I was, and never would be, good enough.

He didn’t even fucking say goodbye, I said to myself, chewing at my tongue as I guided the car, almost blindly, toward the house a mile up the road. It was a house I’d been familiar with when I’d first gained custody of Lily-Rose. A house that had often taken me in for dinners, where I could count on being told that it was all alright; that even without my mother, without Billie, I was alright on my own.

I needed those words so desperately right now.

I pulled the car into the driveway and paused, my chest heaving up and down with deep breaths. In the back, Lily-Rose cried, “Aw, no! I hate Andrew!”

“Lily-Rose, you know Andrew is Fox’s brother, don’t you?” I asked, unable to recognize my own voice. “You know he might be the only one to help us. He’s helped us out before.”

“Fox hates him,” Lily-Rose spewed, although I was pretty certain Fox had never actually articulated those words to her before. Perhaps it was just her ability to read the room. To read people, even if she couldn’t get along with them.

“Come on. I just need to talk to him,” I told Lily-Rose, maintaining a strict voice. “Run around into the back and play on his playset, all right? I’ll come and get you when I’m done.”

Lily-Rose grumbled as she pushed open the back door and rushed through the grass. She disappeared through his wooden fence, her hair flying behind her. I took a final breath before walking toward the front door, feeling like my arms and legs were made of string. The moment I reached the door, Andrew opened it before I could even knock, appearing in the darkness behind the screen. He looked at me with eyes that seemed to be filled with genuine compassion. It was so exactly like the days after Fox had left me the first time—when I’d been weak and tired, sobbing myself to sleep, eighteen years old and just looking for someone to hold me.

“Andrew,” I whispered, my voice rising and falling. “He… he left again. You were right. You… you were right the entire time, and I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you.”

Andrew didn’t allow a smile to form, although I could sense he was a bit high and mighty about the whole thing. He pushed open the screen door, motioning for me to enter. And the moment I did, he wrapped his arms around me, holding my cheek against his shoulder. I collapsed.

“There, there,” he said, his voice low. He drew me toward his couch, where he snapped his television off, leaving us in silence. We collapsed against the cushions. He reached toward a Kleenex box on the cabinet and dabbed at my cheeks. His lips were glistening.

“I just can’t believe he did this again. I was so fucking sure he was ready this time. After all he’d been through back in Los Angeles, I was sure that… that he wanted something real this time. That he wanted to be safe and protected and with… with someone like me,” I said, beginning to cry again.

“He’s a horrible person, Talia. I know it’s hard for you to hear. But that’s frankly just the truth,” Andrew said.

“I know. And I should have listened to you the entire time,” I told him. “After Fox left the first time, I know you were the only one who really cared about me. You did so much for me then, and after Billie died. You’ve always had community at heart, Andrew. And that means the world to me. I know it was rough, growing up with Fox and your dad, the way you did. But somehow you managed to—“

As I spoke, Andrew slipped his hand along my thigh. At first, I thought nothing of it. It was just a warm reminder that someone saw me, was listening to me. But as I continued, his palm slid further and further up my thigh. His fingers twitched against the seam of my jean shorts. I pulled back slightly, my eyes scanning his.

“Shhh,” he murmured. “You can tell me anything you feel about Fox. You know you can. I’m here for you, baby. As you said, I always have been.”

I suddenly felt that the world was spinning too fast, and in the wrong direction. My stomach lurched with fear. But somehow, I couldn’t stand. I couldn’t will it.

“Where… um… where is Jessica?” I asked, my throat constricting. I pictured his pretty, pregnant wife, the way her growing tummy bulged beneath her shirt, often making a tiny bit of skin protrude below. “Is she home? I would love to see her. It’s always nice—“

“She’s not here,” Andrew said, his voice growing louder. “In fact, she won’t be back for several hours.”

With this, his finger twitched beneath the seam of my shorts, growing closer toward my clit. Instead of the normal rush of feeling, of lust, I felt a wave of nausea. If I didn’t get out of there, I was certain I would vomit all over him. And somehow, I sensed that doing that would enrage him. It would show him what a fool he was being. Something behind his eyes flickered, showing a deep, inner rage, which seemed to match Fox’s.

I couldn’t piss him off.

“Maybe could I have a glass of water?” I asked, my voice small.

“Maybe in a bit,” Andrew said, moving his face closer to mine. “Maybe after—”

“After what?” I asked, trying to play dumb.

“Don’t be an idiot, Talia. With Fox gone, you know I want you. You know it’s finally time for you and me to—“

“No,” I whispered, my throat catching.

“Come on. You owe it to me,” Andrew said, sounding raspy. “I’ve been waiting for you, and you finally came to me.”

Andrew lunged forward, bringing his mouth over mine. I felt a scream die inside my lungs. If I stopped the kiss, would he tear his fists into my cheeks? If I stopped the kiss, would he tell everyone I’d made a move on him, and shame me out of the only home I’d ever known? Would he try to have Lily-Rose taken away from me? Thoughts raced through my mind, reminding me I had little control.

Somewhere in the distance, I heard tapping, a light tapping which grew louder. Andrew pushed his lips tighter against mine, his tongue moving forcefully along mine and ripping my mouth apart. The tapping continued, along with a wild screeching sound. It sounded like a wild animal. Suddenly, Andrew jumped up from the couch, coughing. He rushed toward the back door and the source of the noise. I placed my hands over my mouth, unable to breathe. Perhaps it was a raccoon? A dog?

But as Andrew opened the back door, I heard him blare with anger at the source. “Lily-Rose! What the hell?!”

I burst from the couch, tearing toward the backyard. Lily-Rose was perched on the other side of the door, clinging to her wrist and sobbing. When she spotted me, she reached her other hand out, waving. “Aunt Talia! I fell!” she sobbed. “I fell off the swing!”

Unable to look at Andrew, I flew past him and wrapped my arms around her. I felt my arms and legs still shaking. Without turning, I lifted Lily-Rose from the ground and carried her to the car. I snapped her into the backseat and sped down the driveway. Lily-Rose’s cries had diminished some, and she was now whimpering, her hurt wrist between her little thighs.

“Did you get hurt too, Aunt Talia?” she finally asked me, as I snapped my foot against the brake in the emergency room parking lot. “Why can’t you stop crying?”

“Don’t worry about me, baby,” I reassured her. “Let’s just get that wrist looked at. Okay?”

Thankfully, it was a slow day at the emergency room. The only other people in the waiting room were two kids, along with an elderly man and what appeared to be his wife. He was being shuffled into a backroom as I filled out the hospital forms, realizing that my pulse was finally returning to normal. When we approached the front desk again, the nurse asked, “What was it? A car accident?” because I was clearly so shaken.

It was a minor sprain, nothing more. In fact, I felt sure that the doctor would have scolded me for taking her in and wasting their time, if I hadn’t looked so distraught. For good measure, he wrapped tape around Lily-Rose’s fingers and palm and wrist—using dark green, her preference after he’d suggested pink. This seemed to please her, although she was clearly still shaken. We said not a word to one another on the car ride home, not even when we stopped for a pizza. In line, it was understood what we wanted: pepperoni, extra cheese, with black olives on only one half—for me, her weird, lonely aunt.

Back at home, Lily-Rose and I sat on either side of the pizza box, our heads heavy. I’d put on a bit of classical music, which crested through the air around us.

“Fox won’t be very happy about my wrist, huh,” Lily-Rose finally spoke, referencing the only person I had on my mind. “Did… did Andrew know where we could find him?”

I sniffed, placing my half-eaten slice of pizza back on my plate. The cheese was crunchy, brown on top.

“He said he went to Los Angeles,” I said.

All the while, my thoughts raced, reminding me: Andrew had been the only one I could trust, the only one I’d thought was truly on my side. And now? I was no better to him than a piece of ass. I was trash. Fox’s leftovers.

“California?” Lily-Rose asked.

“That’s right.”

“But why?” she asked. Her eyes became teary. Luckily, she kept her voice low, sensing I had nothing left in me. No fight.

“He thinks he can have a life out there that’s better than this one,” I answered. “Maybe he’s right.”

Lily-Rose nibbled the last of her pizza and cradled against me, resting her head on my shoulder. We sat like that for a long time, both of us stirring in our lonely thoughts. I wondered what Billie would have told us, had she been there. “My girls. Broken-hearted over the same stupid man. Don’t both of you know you’re a million times stronger than he is, on your own?”

But still, it felt so sour to be abandoned. And then, when Lily-Rose fell asleep, I felt truly alone, knowing my strength was the only thing that would pull us through.