“Wake up, you lazy sack o’ bones. Time to stop mopin’ around.” The sun streams into my room, obliterating the peaceful darkness that my blackout shades provided.

“Your pity party is over.” Jan’s tone is brisk as she moves around my room, opening all the curtain, picking up the detritus of my week-long sulk. She drops empty beer cans, half full bottles of good cognac, crisps packages and about two dozen Bounty wrappers into a big bin bag that she’s holding.

“Leave me alone.” I groan and pull my sheets over my head. I wince at the scent that assails me. Bathing hasn’t been high on my list of priorities. My sulk has consisted of me laying in bed, drinking, binge watching all seven Harry Potter movies, (Ron is a total dick to Hermione most of the time. I don’t understand what she sees in him), and only getting up when I stumbled to my kitchen to replenish my supplies.

Since Lilly left, I’ve vacillated between anger and anguish every time I’ve let myself think about the last day we spent together.

I threw out an ultimatum I had no business issuing. I asked her to make an impossible choice without giving her a chance to even think about what I was asking for. I didn’t promise to spend the rest of my life trying to make her glad she chose me. I just told her to stop doing something that meant everything to her and when she said no, I’d walked away.

I know I fucked up. In a huge way. And because the entire Hassan family hates me and my devil spawn of a sister, as Addie had called her – according to Jan – I don’t have anyone who’s willing to give me Lilly’s contact information..

Suddenly, bed sheets gone. I jump off the bed, snatch a sweater I’d discarded off the ground and wrap it around my waist.

“What are you doing?” I glare at Jan, my pounding head and lurching stomach threatening to lay me flat.

“Oh, please stop clutching your pearls. I changed your diapers!” She snaps at me impatiently.

“Get in the shower, get dressed, come eat breakfast and then get on with your day. You’ve been in this house for a week. Everyone’s given you time and now it’s enough. You’ve got work piling up, you’ve missed meetings and your parents and Freya are worried sick.”

I scoff at that and trudge toward the bathroom. She’s right. I have to get back to work. It’s not fair for everything to fall apart because I’ve lost the love of my life.

I fucked everything up so badly. As I shower, I go over my mental do list. I wash away the fog of my hangover and try to focus on the work that’s waiting for me. But every six seconds, Lilly’s face comes into my head. Her name leaves me lips every thirty seconds, calling for her and knowing that I lost the right to do that.

When I walk out of my bedroom, Jan is standing in the hallway waiting for me. She looks me over, and nods as she takes in my work boots, jeans and heavy sweater. I’m dressed to make my rounds on the farm and clearly, she approves.

She steps toward me and holds out her hand. In it, there’s a piece of paper. She thrusts it into my hand. “I got this for ya. I had to be dishonest to get it. I don’t like lying, Harry. But you and that sister of yours have made a real mess of things.” She tsks in disgust and my throat tightens at the reminder of what a disaster everything is.

“Now, you’ve got to get yourself together and fix it.” She folds my fingers over and presses the paper deeply into my palm and looks up at me, her eyes wide and full of meaning. “Fix it, Harry. I like that girl. She’s a good egg.” She says, her lips barely moving. I nod and she lets go and without another word walks away. I hear my front door close before I open my hand and unfold that piece of paper.

On it, is a phone number and a name, Lilly.

My to do list is forgotten, I pull my phone out of my pocket and start dialing.

When it starts to ring, my heart starts to clamor in my chest. I can hear it in my ears and when she answers after the second ring, it stops beating all together.

“Hello?” She sounds tired, her voice so hoarse it’s unrecognizable. And I look at the clock. It’s only 10am here, that means it’s maybe five the in morning there.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize the time.” I stammer, stupidly. There’s silence on the other end of the line. I’m about to speak again and then I hear her say, “Hello?” She says again, her voice completely strained and unrecognizable.

“It’s me, Harry.” I say quickly, my hope rising until I hear the distinct sound of silence and look at my phone to see the call has ended.

I call again and after three rings, it goes to voicemail. I hold my breath, thinking that I’m about to hear her voice, but instead it’s one of the standard greetings, with a robotic voice telling me that I’ve reached a voicemail that hasn’t been set up. I hang up and call one more time. This time, it goes straight to voicemail.

“Shit.”

I hang up and send a text.

“Lilly, it’s me. I don’t know if you hung up or we were disconnected. I’m going to go with disconnected just because the eternal optimist in me won’t let me think anything else. I want to talk to you. I’m sorry about everything. I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for you. I’m sorry I gave that ultimatum and I’m sorry that you’re gone. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you. I’m just so fucking sorry. Please call me back, text me back, let me know.”

The three dots inside the gray bubble appear almost immediately and I stare willing a message to pop up. But it doesn’t. And after a few seconds, the three dots disappear. And I sit there for ten minutes before I realize she’s not going to reply.