Lily
I didn’t know where to look. My eyes shifted from the wall to the mirror, to the bathtub, and then back to where Harrison perched between my open thighs.
The concentration on his face as he tenderly worked made this all the harder. Gently, he wiped the cotton ball across each freshly scoured line in my skin, wiping delicately at the blood as it bubbled to the surface behind each of his swabs. I knew he wouldn’t understand, no one could. But the way he had handled me had been a surprise. I hadn’t expected empathy, especially not from him, but, yet again another new side to him stunned me.
I hissed when the antiseptic stung the deep gauge in my flesh. Harrison’s eyes darted to my face. He was silent for a long time, just quietly staring at me with a creased brow. He looked like he had the worries of the world on his shoulders and, unconsciously, I reached out and stroked the edge of my thumb over his cheekbone.
The torment in his gaze softened and he exhaled slowly when I brought my thumb to his lips and stroked the soft flesh. “I’m sorry.” I had no idea why I was apologising but, oddly, the thought of disappointing him saddened me.
“All clear, Lily Cooper?” he whispered around my fingers.
The smoothness of his voice made me smile softly. “Aye, aye, Cap’n.”
Shaking himself, he moved back and stood up, dropping the few soiled cotton balls into the bin bag. Perching himself on the edge of the bath next to me, he sighed. “You need help.”
Looking away from him, I shook my head. “I have it under control.”
He didn’t believe me. Hell, I didn’t believe me.
“Lily, there must be at least thirty scars on your inner thighs. I know I don’t understand, no one can, except you. But…” He directed my face back to his with a delicate touch of his fingers under my chin. “I want to understand. I want to help.”
“Why?” I was growing more and more humiliated, his tenderness just making it worse. I wanted him to be angry with me, to shout and scream. Anything would have been better than the total feeling of worthlessness sucking at my soul.
He drew in a long breath and shook his head sadly. “Because I care.”
My eyes widened, and I reared back slightly, stunned by his revelation. “You care? How can you care?”
He huffed, the earlier affection he looked at me with vanishing before my eyes. “Why is no one allowed to care for you, Lily?”
“What?”
“You’re such a damn stubborn woman! You’re so closed off sometimes I feel like I need a crowbar to even talk to you. Stop using your past as an excuse and face it head on!”
Heat flooded my face, but when I tried to turn away again, he shook his head angrily. “Stop hiding from me! Stop hiding from the truth. Most of all, stop hiding from yourself! Accept it!”
My head shook, and I tried to move away, but his firm hold on my arms stopped any chance of escape. Tears swamped my eyes and when the scorch of them burned my already hot cheeks, I hit out at him and punched him in his chest.
“Stop it! Stop doing this!”
“No!” he thundered, making me blink. “You stop! Accept it, Lily. Accept what they did to you and start healing from it!”
Stunned by the knowledge he had, I gasped in horror. Words wouldn’t form, my heart wouldn’t beat, and shame clogged my throat.
“I know what they did to you, Lily. I know they hurt you. Shame and blame aren't even a factor, but I know that’s what you think you should feel. What happened wasn’t your fault, Lily. It wasn’t!”
“It was my fault! IT WAS!”
“Utter – fucking – bullshit!”
“You don’t know!” I sobbed, beating my fists at him with every bit of horror that rushed from me. “I gave myself to them. They didn’t take it. I gave it to them!” The agony of it all took my breath, and I gulped at air when the room spun from under me.
I screamed. He wasn’t Harrison anymore. He was him. He was her. He was every bit of the pain that had broken me. He was every single ounce of shame, and guilt and misery that had consumed me for way too long.
“It’s not your fault,” he whispered as he lifted up my exhausted body and carried me through to the bedroom. “It’s not your fault, Lily Cooper.”
Laying me on the bed, he curled up behind me and wrapped me in his fierce embrace.
I’d never felt as safe as I did right then. The layer of armour that his embrace draped over my soul gave me a sense of utter peace.
It was time. And although my mind confused itself with the fact that I wanted to share my story with Harrison, a man I barely knew, my soul knew it was vital if I was to survive.
“The second day they held me,” I started, holding onto to Harrison’s strong arms as they held me tighter, “they threatened to take my mother too.”
I felt him stiffen. He understood exactly what I was saying.
“I was fourteen, Harrison. At the time, I didn’t figure out that they were just playing me. Fear obscures reality with deception.”
He nodded. “You don’t need to vindicate your actions, Lily. Every single thing you did or didn’t do is justified. Please don’t apologise for anything that happened.”
“I begged them not to hurt her. I pleaded with them until I couldn’t breathe.” Fat tears dropped onto the pillow and I swiped at them, angry at how they stung my cheeks. “They… They said if I fucked them…” I closed my eyes and shivered, each memory haunting me like it was yesterday. “…and made it worth their while, they’d leave her alone.”
“I understand.”
My teeth chattered, and the pit of my stomach vaulted when my mind recalled every minute of the horror that had damaged me.
“I came, Harrison,” I sobbed and pulled his arms around me tighter, needing his protection to shield me from the perversion of my own body. “Who the fuck orgasms when they’re raped?”
“You’d be surprised,” he said softly. Turning me over, so I was facing him, he gently wiped my tears. “The mind is often aroused, that’s primarily the most vital part of making love. But,” he paused, making sure he had all my attention, “the body also relies on stimulation and touch. You think your body betrayed you, but, really, it just did what it was supposed to do, what nature intended to provide from sex. Whether it’s sex that you want or not.”
“But…”
“No buts, Lily. There are no buts. The only but there is is what you tell yourself over and over again. Yet, not one of those is justified.” A deep frown creased his brow when his eyes fell to my mouth. Softly, he stroked his thumb across my lips, dabbing away the wetness from my tears. “You hurt yourself because you think you deserve it. You cut yourself because you think it’s justice for something you consider wrong and depraved.”
His touch lightened, but his face had become so close to mine that I could feel each of his warm breaths grazing my lips.
“Yes.” It was a simple answer, but it was the right one.
The pain reflected at me from his eyes told me that he also had demons that tugged at his conscience, that maybe he was talking to himself as well as me.
“And what about you?” I whispered. I didn’t want to move. I wanted to feel his breath on my skin forever, the rare peace that he breathed into me making my soul curl up in contentment.
“What about me?”
He edged further towards me until his lips were almost touching mine. Each of my breaths came out in needy puffs, raw, undiluted need making every fibre of me pulse with an appetite I didn’t want. Yet, I couldn’t stop it. I’d never wanted someone to kiss me as much as I did right then.
“You hurt from something, Harrison. Your past haunts you as much as mine does me. I can see your pain like it’s my own. What happened to you?”
His frown hardened as his eyes narrowed to slits. I could tell from the sudden change in him that I’d hit a raw spot, a wound that had never healed. But it was the way he quickly shot off the bed and stormed from the room that revealed his mind was as disfigured as my thighs.