CHAPTER 25

Amanda

“Where’s Uncle Bwian?” Lanie asked.

“He went to go for a walk, sweetie. He’ll be back soon,” I said.

“Can we go on a walk?” she asked.

“How about we play some tag?” I asked.

“Walk.”

“We have to stay inside until your uncle gets back, sweetheart.”

“But why, Amana?”

I loved the way she said my name, eliminating the “D” with her little toddler squeak. I thought back to the day she had called me ‘mommy’ and my heart skipped. With each passing minute I spent with this precious child, the deeper in love I fell with her. I wanted to be her mommy, to have her look to me for comfort and love.

Which was another reason why I wanted to help Brian.

I saw firsthand the power of his parenting. I saw how much he loved Lanie, and I saw how much Lanie respected him. She listened to him, even when he was being stern. Brian was a protector by nature, not just by profession. He would be the best person for Lanie to grow up with.

But I was worried about Brian and myself. Every time I was in Brian’s presence, my stomach fluttered with butterflies. My heart would start racing, and my legs would grow weak. Every time he kissed me or held me close to him, I felt like I was at home. In his arms, I felt beautiful and safe. I felt like his equal. He listened to me and genuinely appeared to care about my life. He was genuinely shocked when I told him about the art gallery interview, and he seemed like he wanted me to talk about it with him.

That was new territory for me, and it only strengthened the feelings I knew were growing for him.

Which made things with this marriage situation sticky. Brian and I still had a lot to discuss, and first and foremost, that mean we had to hash out our feelings. Well, at least my feelings. I knew Brian was ready to give me an out after he won custody of Lanie, but there was a part of me that wouldn’t be sad if he didn’t give it to me. He was a good man; strong and dedicated to the people in his life. He was isolated, sure, but hadn’t I been planning on being isolated myself by living in my grandmother’s cabin?

Either way, we needed to talk about things. Now that these feelings were developing on my end, I felt he had a right to know. Especially with some fake marriage looming on the horizon. If he was still interested in it, he wasn’t showing any signs of it. Neither of us had rings, he hadn’t brought up the subject in a few days, and we were a couple of days away from having to do something about this. Was he second-guessing his move? Was this not something he wanted any longer?

The air between us was still tense. I wasn’t sure why or how to fix it, but I knew something was hanging between us that needed to be addressed. If we were going to pull off this marriage thing, then communication was key. Whether we decided to stay married or not, we needed to be open with one another. And part of that meant having a decent conversation with him about what happened in town.

I needed him to know that I didn’t need to be taken care of. I needed him to see me as a strong woman who could fend for herself if I needed to. Sure, it was nice that he wanted to stand up for me and run Daryl out of town, but I wasn’t some damsel in distress. That’s how Daryl had always treated me; like some dumb girl who needed her man to run her life. I wouldn’t allow anyone else to treat me like that again. I was an independent woman with a plan for my life, even if I had zero idea of how I was going to fund that plan.

“Amana, wanna play tea party?” Lanie asked.

“I’d love to,” I said. “Who all’s coming to this one?”

“Princess Teddy, Mr. Frog, and Funny Bear,” she said.

“No Miss Applepit?” I asked.

“No. Miss Applepit is sick.”

“Well, then we should make Miss Applepit something to eat. Some soup, maybe?” I asked.

“Soup for lunch! Then tea party,” she said.

“Sounds like a great idea,” I said, grinning.

I loved Lanie’s imagination. How she could bounce all of these ideas around in her head like it was her job. The way she brought all of her stuffed animals to life was reminiscent of what I did with my paintbrush. These inanimate objects were tools I used to bring light into my life and into the lives of others. Lanie’s joy when it came to her dolls and her stuffed animals reminded me of the joy I had painting in college.

The joy my ex tried to rip from me.

Just as Lanie and I were sitting down for lunch, the door to the cabin flew open. Brian came walking into the house, his coat pulled tight and his nose red from the cold. He stood strong and tall but came in silent and distant. He passed right by the kitchen table and headed for his room, then closed the door behind him.

He didn’t even say “hi” to Lanie.

“Uncle Bwian?” Lanie asked.

I could hear the sadness in her voice as her eyes filled with tears.

“Hey, hey, hey. None of those, okay?” I asked. “How about this? You eat your soup then set up your tea party, and once the party’s set up, both Uncle Brian and I will join you for it.”

“Really?” she asked, sniffling.

“Really.” I kissed Lanie’s forehead, trying to comfort the little girl in her time of need. I wasn’t sure what had plagued Brian on his walk, but this was taking it too far. He couldn’t let whatever was bothering him affect Lanie and ignoring her as he’d walked in was doing just that.

Which meant I had to intervene.

“I’ll be right back,” I said.

“Okay, Amana.”

. I walked down to Brian’s room and knocked but got no response. I knocked again before I crossed my arms over my chest, waiting for Brian to open his bedroom door. But when he didn’t, I slipped in and found him sitting on the edge of his bed.

“You can go home,” he said.

His words stopped me in my tracks.

“What?” I asked.

“You can go home.”

He was gazing down at his hands as he clamped them between his legs.

“I’m not here to talk about that right now. Lanie’s out there crying because you walked right past her. She sees your distress. Talk to me, Brian, because Lanie’s catching on and we told one another we’d keep this from her,” I said.

“There’s nothing to keep. Everything’s fine. I’ll be out there in a second to relieve you.”

“I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me,” I said.

His eyes slowly panned over toward me, and they were filled with something I’d never seen before. His deep blue eyes were a mixture of confused and wary, and where I usually saw confidence, I found questions instead. Unasked questions with answers he would never get unless he sat down with me and talked.

“Brian, Lanie’s eating dinner. Let’s take a second to —”

“Go. Home.”

His voice was low. Commanding. Laced with anger and humming with darkness. I felt a knot form in my throat as tears rose to my eyes, but I blinked them away before he had a chance to see them. I wasn’t going to be weak in front of him, not like I’d been for so many months in front of Daryl. I rolled my shoulders back and nodded my head, choking down all the words I wanted to spew at him.

I guess I had my answer as to how he felt.

“Lanie wants to have a tea party. So suck it up. Get your ass out there, and be a dad since that’s what you’re fighting for.”

I turned on my heels and headed for the kitchen before Brian could form a rebuttal. I heard him step out of his room as I bent down toward Lanie, kissing her on the forehead. I was trying to keep my anger and my hurt at bay so the little girl wouldn’t feel anymore distress in the moment than she already had at Brian’s behavior.

“Tea party time?” Lanie asked.

“Well, Uncle Brian will have one with you. I have someone I have to go see for a little bit. But I promise you, Uncle Brian’s coming to play,” I said.

“You’re not coming?” she asked.

“I promise, the next one we have will be awesome. We’ll dress up, and I’ll do your makeup. We’ll make invitations to send out to all the guests. It’ll be an all-day affair with snacks and tea and dancing and movies. How does that sound?” I asked.

“Pwomise?”

I lifted my gaze to Brian, who stood in the hallway, just outside his bedroom door. My eyes bored into him, silently demanding he take control of the situation and give me some sort to answer. But all he did was stare at me.

“I promise,” I said.

Lanie threw her arms around my neck as tears crested my eyes. I planted one last kiss on her cheek, then quickly grabbed my coat. I slipped outside into the cold before I threw it around my shoulders, then I ran for my cabin. My heart ached. It felt like it had broken into two pieces and was oozing all over the floor. I hoped I hadn’t just lied to that poor little girl. I hoped that Brian would come to his senses and talk to me instead of pushing me away. If in the end, he still decided he didn’t want to be with me, then fine. But I hoped he’d still let me have a relationship with Lanie. I couldn’t bear to lose both of them.

I ran up the splintering porch steps and into my cabin. I shivered from the cold and stopped to light a fire in the ancient fireplace. So far, it seemed to be one of the only things in the damn place that was still in good working order. I made note that I’d have to get some more wood soon. I’d been spending so much time at Brian’s place that I hadn’t had any stacked.

It looked that like was about to change.

I’d lost him.

Brian was gone.

“Amanda?”

I sat heavily on the couch as Sarah’s voice came on the line. I clutched my phone to my ear and desperately wished that she was sitting here with me instead of seven hundred miles away in New York City..

“He’s gone,” I said. “He told me to go home,” I said.

“Wait, what? Slow down Amanda. Take a deep breath and talk to me,” Sarah said.

“He didn’t even tell me to come back soon. He just told me to go,” I said.

“Hey, hey, hey. Calm down. What do you mean? What happened?”

I sniffled as I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to warm my numbing body.

“I fell for him, Sarah. I actually allowed myself to do it.”

“I know you did,” Sarah said. “I know you did.”

“Why couldn’t he talk with me?” I asked. “Why couldn’t he just talk about it?”

“Because men don’t like emotions,” she said. “Because men are dicks.”

“Big dicks,” I said.

“Yep. They’re big dicks with small dicks.”

I laughed despite myself. This was why I had called Sarah. No matter what was going on in my life, she always found a way to make me feel better. I took a deep breath and blew it out.

“Have you told him how you felt?” she asked.

“No. He never even gave me a chance. He was out for a walk to clear his head. When he came back in, he told me to go. I don’t know what the fuck could have happened on that walk, but something did.”

“Maybe he’s just freaking out because of everything going on. He’s got this custody thing on his mind and then his warehouse burns down. Maybe he’s just preoccupied,” Sarah offered, though she didn’t really sound like she believed her own words.

“But he was the one who asked me to get married, not the other way around,” I said. “I don’t know, Sarah. I’m just so confused.”

“I get it,” she commiserated. “I wish I was still there so we could order a pizza and watch a Die Hard marathon like we used to in college when we were feeling down. You know Bruce Willis always makes us feel better.”

I chuckled. “I don’t even have a damn TV in this place,” I complained, looking around at my surroundings.

“Ewww,” Sarah said. “What the fuck have you been doing with yourself?” she asked.

“Spending a lot of time with Brian and Lanie,” I answered.

“Well, now it’s time for you to get your shit together girl. You left Daryl and struck out on your own, to be who you want to be. So be her! Fix that place up if that’s what you want or sell it and move somewhere else. This is your time Amanda; don’t you forget that.”

I knew she was right. This was my time. I had made this move because I had needed a big change in my life. It was time to stop moping and make something happen. Otherwise, everything Daryl had said about me would be right.

I just wish it didn’t hurt so damn much.