Lynn

The shelter I work at is a tiny operation, but with massive amounts of barn space that is largely unusable, because there's been no money to keep up with repairs. It's a ranch up in the hills and could once house up to two-hundred head of cattle and other livestock. But these days all that space houses five abandoned dogs, four cats, one donkey and a goat named Milly.

The ranch belongs to Bethany - a middle-aged widow. I work there with her, her daughter Tammy, and Raul the handy man. Most of the small amount of funds we get from the state go for the upkeep and pay, and we augment that by renting out the space to other ranchers and farmers in the area when they need it. They count on us to house their livestock when the fires roll through and they have to evacuate. They pay well, but even with that income I barely get enough to cover lunch and gas, and on some months I don't even take that.

I should get another, paying job, but Mom keeps telling me not to worry about the money. She runs a successful home-based business making custom, hand-drawn greeting cards, calendars and such, and keeps telling me she makes more money than she can spend alone whenever I bring it up. She was always telling me that before too, while we still lived in Illinois and was seriously against me taking that job at the diner to pay my own way with the pageants. She doesn't begrudge me the money she spends on me, I know that she’s happy I found work that fulfills me. But I also know she used to dream about traveling the world and the money doesn't stretch that far, while she has me to take care of. I wish I could go with her, but that would involve too much peopling, and I'm no good at that.

I told her she should go on her own or with some of her friends, but she just purses her lips and shakes her head when I suggest it. Bethany, Tammy and Raul live at the ranch full-time. I could move here too, if Mom went on a trip, and I've mentioned that to her, but the answer was just more silence. She doesn't even say no. Just doesn't do it. Because she's too worried I'd fall apart, if she wasn't near to hold me up and take care of me. I don't think that would happen, but her constant worrying still makes me think it might. It's something else I try not to think about.

But this morning's dream and the memories it dredged up, stirred these other things too, and they're taking a long time to settle back down into the depths of my sub-consciousness.

I'm having trouble concentrating on the road as I drive, since all these things are buzzing inside my brain, but I've ridden up here so many times, I know every bump in the road by heart.

As I near the ranch, another thing starts buzzing in my head. Bethany is very close to pulling the plug and selling it all.

No more! I tell myself, and just concentrate on those two words for the rest of the ride. And it works. By the time I reach the ranch, my head is as clear as the world at dawn.

"They're saying this fire's gonna be huge," Tammy says just as I join them in the kitchen, which also serves as our main office and the place where we have our morning meetings to discuss all that needs to be done that day.

"I know," I say as I deposit the holder with four coffees and the box of donuts I got for us on my way here. "It was all over the radio this morning. But you know how they always hype it up."

Just like pretty much everything else on this ranch, the kitchen is in desperate need of repair. The appliances are all from the 1970s, if that new, and even the huge, hardwood table, which Bethany says has been in the family for a hundred years at least, is showing signs of old age. But as long as the animals are safe and fed we're all happy. Tammy is a vet, Bethany has worked on the ranch all her life, and Raul is a very conscientious and hard working man, despite his badly damaged knee. He's also the only man that doesn't make me feel too uncomfortable to be around, although I avoid being alone with him. He reminds me of my uncle, and I think that helps.

They each take a coffee and a donut, and I take my latte and sit on one of the rickety chairs that groans and creaks under my weight. One of these mornings, it'll send me crashing to the floor, but for today it's still holding.

Tammy nods solemnly. "Yes, I know a lot of what they’re saying on the news is just doom-calling hype, but it's working. We've already gotten requests to take the animals from the Millers, Hartmans, Blacksmiths and Venturas."

She just recited the names of the five biggest ranch owners in the area, each with fifty head of cattle easily.

"What about the McDonnells?" I ask. They're new in town, hailing from Australia, and they've opened a horse riding school near here just six months ago. They have twenty horses and a couple of goats.

Tammy shakes her head. "I called them last night, but they said they'll be fine. I got the feeling the owner thought I was just fishing to get paid. She spoke to me like I was some insurance saleswoman trying to scam her."

"Good thing she said no," Bethany says, rather crossly. She's not much of a morning person, but today it sounds like her annoyance is over more than just that.

"We have neither the space nor manpower to take even the ones that already signed up in," she elaborates after Tammy gives her a sharp look. "If we didn't need the money desperately, I'd turn half of them away."

Tammy's eyes soften as she looks at her mother. "I know, Ma. But who else is gonna do this if we don’t? I never want to see another animal die in flames for as long as I live."

When Tammy was a teenager, a fire swept over this ranch. The house and buildings nearest to it survived, but the stables were mostly destroyed. With the animals in them. They never recovered from that blow, neither financially, nor psychologically. Her father took his own life a couple of years later and Bethany and Tammy have been trying to make it work on their own ever since.

"The condo people called again," Bethany says. "They still want to buy this land, and they're offering a lot."

Drops of water hitting the metal basin from the leaky faucet behind me suddenly start to sound louder than drums warning of some imminent disaster. I've successfully ignored thinking about this in the car earlier, but now my heart is racing so hard that my vision is turning black at the edges. Where will I go, if Bethany sells this place? What will I do?

The fact that I know perfectly well—and understand perfectly too— that she can't afford to keep this place afloat, and that she's getting old and might want to retire, isn't preventing my panic attack. But I do know all those things, and I won't stand in her way. Nor will I say anything right now, because then they'll know something's wrong with me. They don't know about my past, I never tell anyone about that. But they do suspect that something bad happened to me before I came here, because I'm no good at hiding it completely.

Tammy is telling her mother something, but I don't hear the words. She keeps glancing at me like she wants me to back her up, and I can see both of them are getting agitated. But my hearing isn't back yet, and my heart is still racing, although not as violently as before.

"We can discuss this after the fire has come and gone," Raul says in his steady, booming voice, which has the power to cut even through the black fog in my brain.

It has a similar effect on Tammy and Bethany. They both nod and take a sip of their coffees at the same time, blushing the exact same shade of soft pink as they do.

"Raul's right, we'll discuss it after the fire," Tammy says. "But for now, I've managed to secure us a couple of volunteers, and they won't cost us a thing. A friend of mine from university, Josh, if you remember him, Ma, just started teaching at the San Fernando community college and he's more than happy to bring his class and maybe even some of the faculty up here to help us prepare everything for the animals, and to take care of them once they're here. None of it will cost a thing," Tammy explains and smiles at her mother. "Well, I did say you were an excellent cook, Ma and would feed them your signature chili and corn bread."

Bethany smiles at her too. They always smooth every argument over quickly and hold no grudges.

"So we're all set," Tammy concludes and smiles at me too.

I try to smile back, but I'm not sure I succeeded, because my heart is beating too fast in an entirely different kind of panic right now. I don't people well, and I don't deal with the presence of men well at all. Yet I've dealt with this fear before, and with this nausea it always brings that's washing over me right now, dealt with it over and over again.

We've had volunteers here in the past and I was just fine then. Well, I was distant and quiet and came off as a weird woman each of those times, but I was fine. I'm even fine with all the ranch hands and cowboys that come up here when they bring the livestock to be housed. They're always the same guys, and I think Raul's spoken to each of them and told them to leave me alone, although I'm not positive about that.

So why won't my heart stop racing and why is my mind threatening me with reruns of the most terrifying two weeks of my life again.

"I'll go walk the dogs," I say and get up.

They all look at me sharply, probably because of my toneless voice. But I'll be fine once I get to work. Taking care of animals always calms me. Sometimes it's the only thing that can. I don’t know what will happen to me if I can’t work at this ranch anymore.

* * *

Scar

I made the decision to find Lynn and tell her about Lizard and his MC being gone, but I've been dragging my feet on actually doing it for the last couple of days. Now Ice is itching to leave and getting impatient that I haven't made up my mind yet.

But the thing is, I haven't made up my mind. I'm the kind of guy who needs a reason for everything I do, and I don't know if my reason for this is any good. Lynn could've forgotten all about that, and I'd just be dragging it back up for her if I visit.

I also think I was a little in love with her back then. Hard to be sure, I've never been in love before.

When my brother told me about where and why she was taken, I nearly lost it, and being a little in love with her was the reason. I should've dealt with him long before he got the chance to boast about how sweet she was to fuck. But I didn't, and Lynn paid the price. When he called to tell me about her, I could've tracked him down and killed him, but I decided to help her instead. By the time that was done he was long gone again.

"Careful, Scar!" Cross's daughter Lily screeches at me. "You're trampling my garden."

I stop and look down, but there's nothing but dark brown soil beneath my feet, so I have no idea what she's yelling about.

"Just back up the way you came," she instructs. "Step in the footsteps you already made."

She knows how to give an order, just like her old man, I'll give her that. I don't even consider doing anything other than what she wants.

"I didn't see no flowers," I tell her once I join her on the gravel path I veered off of when I stepped into her flowers.

I've just been walking around the garden in front of Sanctuary for hours. It calms me, usually, but not today. I have to make this decision.

"I only just planted them a couple of days ago, they haven't had time to germinate yet," she says, peering at the patch I trampled over, her face so close to the ground that her long, jet-black hair is trailing along it.

She straightens up and stares me down with the exact same black gaze I'm used to seeing from Cross. "You should be more careful where you're stepping. Now the flowers might never come out."

"Sorry," I mutter, since I have nothing else to tell her.

She shrugs and joins me on the path. "It's too late for sorry now. What's done is done."

She’s the reason the MC’s no longer in the killing for hire business, because Cross wants her to grow up in a less dangerous environment. But I’m pretty sure she can handle any environment, because Lily is one tough kid. She's also the most down-to-earth child I've ever met. Not that I've met many children, and the ones I had mostly just cried at the sight of my face. Even back when it happened. I was younger than Lily is now. Twelve years old. A fucking lifetime ago.

Lily barely flinched when Cross introduced me to her, and since she was all attitude at the time, all she said was, "Good, at least I'll remember his name since it's all over his face."

In the beginning, two years ago, when her mother dropped her off with Cross to take care of from now on, she didn't want to stay here, and Cross wasn't too thrilled at the idea either. Now she's part of the family, and me and her get along surprisingly well. She keeps coming to me for advice for some reason.

"Sorry, I yelled at you," she says. "I'm just nervous, because I have a brother on the way, my uncle is leaving, and now I heard you might be leaving too. But it's mostly because of my brother. What if he doesn't like me?"

She starts walking down the path, deeper into the garden and I fall in step with her. I could tell her all about what it's like when brothers hate each other. Me and mine hated each other all our lives. Or more precisely, my older brother hated me all his life, and I hated him for most of mine. But even with my limited knowledge about children, I know that's not a story Lily should hear.

"I'm sure he'll love you," I tell her instead.

She gives me a sidelong glance and rolls her eyes for good measure. "You can't possibly know that."

She's right. I can't know that for a fact. But her father's been keeping the peace in this MC very well for the past eight years, since he took over, and I'm sure he'll keep the peace between his children too.

"Why wouldn't he?" I say instead. "You're a great little girl and you only yelled at me a little for trampling your garden. If you show the same restraint with him, you two should get along just fine."

I laugh at my own funny wisdom, but she's not amused, doesn't even crack a smile although the look in her eyes isn't quite as black and pointy as she's trying to make it.

"So, when are you leaving?" she asks. "Ice says tomorrow at the latest."

"I might not be going with him," I say and shrug.

"Why?" Lily asks, probably picking up on the undertone in my voice, which sounds bitter even to my own ears, and I'm the one saying it. "Because I said what I said? I just have a problem with people leaving, but I'm handling it. You should go if you want to."

"It's because I don't know if I should," I tell her because nothing else better to say is springing to mind.

She doesn't say anything to that. How could she? She's a child and can't handle abstract questions yet. And the thing is, I can't handle them either. Yet this one just keeps floating around in my head.

To me, it makes perfect sense to tell Lynn she's been avenged. But it also makes perfect sense to leave the past where it is. Done with and forgotten. My inability to decide whether to find her or not, could also be because I don't want to find out she never recovered, and that I never really saved her. I've never seen a person as out of their mind, as she was that night. Not before or since. She couldn’t even speak. I didn't do a lot of good things in my life, but I saved her, and I don't want to find out I didn't. Abstract shit. I'm no good at figuring out that kinda thing.

"Well, you thought it was a good idea when you told Ice you were going with him. Maybe you should just go with that," Lily says and she sounds like she's really trying to give me good advice, but isn't sure she's doing it right. She is.

I'll find out where Lynn is and then I'll still have time to decide whether I should visit her or not. Although I'd prefer to just stop thinking about it and either do it or not.

"That's some good advice, Lily," I tell her. "I should come to you with my questions more often."

"Are you making fun of me?" she asks, her eyes pointy and flashing again.

I shake my head and tussle her hair. "Not even a little."

It's time to find Hawk and get things moving. Enough thinking. I was never good at that sorta thing.