---

The piles of dirt are getting larger. The metal shovels pierce into the frozen soil. The sound cuts through my bones, one and then another and another.

It’s been constant as I stand here, helpless. I’ve never been colder, the wind and bitter snow berating my body, but I still don’t move.

I can’t take my eyes off of the two graves.

The shovels spill the dirt, mounting the piles as my eyes drift to the tombstones.

The first my father, a man who died before his time. A death of tragedy.

And then to my wife’s. My love’s. Gone before her time. No one believes me. He put her there. James killed her.

My eyes pop open wide when I hear Kat whisper, “It’s all your fault.”

---

I wake up breathless, my heart pounding and I swear I can feel Kat’s hot breath on my neck even though I’m alone. My eyes dart around the room as I slowly pick my body up into a sitting position on the bed.

Just a terror. The same as last night.

I’m quick to grab the video monitor for the security system off the nightstand and flick the side button on to bring it to life. I had it installed after the break-in.

It’s only when I see Kat in our bed that my heart starts to calm and my heated skin seems to succumb to the chill of reality.

She’s okay.

I close my eyes and when I open them, it’s to a shot of her rolling over in bed. To my side. My fingers brush the glass where she is. I’ll be there soon. I’ll be with her and it’ll all be over. I won’t let her down.

---

“There’s a lot of shit you aren’t going to like,” Mason says the second I close the door to his car. He’s parked outside of the park and I focus on the people walking by. Moving through their day and carrying on with their lives, while mine’s slowly deteriorating into nothing.

I needed this meetup though. I needed to get the fuck out of this rut and talk to someone. Even if it is about this shit.

“Let’s start with the easiest,” I respond.

“You have a tail. Hired by Lapour,” he says and his sentences are short. I nod my head. I figured as much. I’ve been scoping James out and James is scoping me out in return. Go figure.

“The cops are coming around your place more often too and they’ve been poking around your family home, looking through the garbage. A few tags on the station’s search engine too.”

“They’re not going to give up?” I ask with exasperation. This has gone on for too long.

“They just need one thing to pin it on you,” Mason says.

“And James has the evidence they’d need to do it.” The photos come to mind and my anxiety makes my heart squeeze. I’m waking up to heart palpitations and I’m constantly exhausted but not able to sleep. My leg rocks anxiously from side to side as Mason speaks.

“We can wipe them from his computer, but the hard copies will have to wait till tomorrow. My associate will wipe the place clean, but then he’ll know.”

“’Bout fucking time.”

“It takes time to get a batch of drugs that matches,” Mason says defensively. He doesn’t get it. It’s not his life that’s in ruins.

“It would have been easier if we’d found it on him,” I tell him.

“Yeah, it would have,” he agrees and then it’s quiet.

“I feel like I’m failing. All this money paying other people to do shit and we’re coming up empty.”

“You’re doing everything you can.”

I can’t stand the quiet anymore. “I want this over with,” I tell him. A couple days turned into a week. And now the days bleed into one another.

“I’m walking around this city,” I tell him, “stalking a man who should be dead. I want to do something!” It’s killing me to wait, driving me fucking crazy. I can practically feel my sanity slipping away.

“You have to be careful when you kill someone,” he says as if I’m being impatient. “If you’re reckless, you get caught.”

“Besides, I don’t have anything on James. Not a shred of evidence that shows he purchased the strychnine.”

“We need evidence and to set him up if there isn’t any. Or we can just kill him and end it all.” The thought has been pestering the back of my skull. Picking away. I just want to kill the fucker and be done with this.

“You kill him before it’s ready and the cops will be looking for his murderer. Is that what you want?”

I know he’s right, and I can’t answer. I say the only thing that matters, “I need my wife back.”

“That’s the other thing,” he answers while looking out of his window.

“What thing?” I ask staring at him, willing him to look at me. “About my wife?” Adrenaline shoots through me.

“She’s seeing someone,” he says.

“You’re wrong.”

“She went out yesterday and we were keeping an eye out. My guys saw some things.”

My fists clench at my side as I shake my head. I can already see him. That fucker. Jacob whatever the fuck his last name is. My breathing comes in ragged pants as he says, “Jacob Scott is his name. A potential client of hers.”

“Not my wife.” I bite it out, although I already know it’s true. “She’s not going to move on so fast.”

The worst part is that I don’t even blame her. I’m dying inside. Every night I’m thinking about how my father should still be here and my wife should be in bed with me. Instead I’m alone, clutching a fucking t-shirt Pops always wore. He gave it to me when he gained a little weight and it didn’t fit him anymore. It’s just a shirt from a shop he used to work at. It’s not even around anymore.

I didn’t give a shit about it back then, but all I can see when I hold it now is him. It’s funny how the little things that don’t matter are the most sentimental when you lose the ones you love.

That’s my life. Hiding away and mourning my father alone. Hating myself and not being able to fix it all. I can’t fix a damn thing.

“I told you she wasn’t doing good,” Mason says like I should have known better.

My eyes gloss over and I yell at him, “I can’t do both at the same time, lead her on that we’re broken up but also be there for her.” I start pounding my hand against the window like a madman, holding on to the anger and prolonging every other emotion I can until I’m forced to deal with it at night when sleep refuses to comfort me. I know I have to look like I’m fucking unhinged, but I am. So I guess it’s fitting. “I can’t protect her and have her. There’s no way for me to do it!”

“Well if you’re not there for her, someone else will be.”

My heart’s in my throat, that’s the only explanation for what I feel. It’s not in my chest where it’s supposed to be. Only pain is there.

“I want to kill him. That Jacob fuck.”

“Now I know that one isn’t serious.”

“He put his hands on my wife!” I practically spit in his face, but Mason doesn’t react.

“She’s the one who called him,” he says and it guts me.

“What would you do?” I ask him out of desperation as I imagine her calling him. Alone and desperate for someone.

Mason answers with a shrug, “Kill the asshole.”

“You’re a real wiseass, you know that?” I tell him.

“It could be worse,” he says.

“How’s that?”

“She cried for a while when she got back from dinner with Jules.”

I wait for him to continue, not understanding. “Why was she crying?”

“After seeing the guy, she just cried all night. She’s not moving on. She’s not okay, Evan.”

“What am I supposed to do? She’s everything to me. And all I can see, all I dream about at night is her dying because of me.“ Mason doesn’t answer me.

No one has an answer for me. “If I lose her, I have nothing. There’s no reason to live if I don’t have her.”

“You could always go with the locking her in a room option. She likes her office, right?” Mason jokes and I don’t know whether to thank him for lightening the mood or punch his fucking face in.

“Do you think James would go after her if I took her back?” I ask him. “Tell me honestly.”

“If someone wanted to hurt you, the first thing they’d do is go after her,” Mason says exactly what I feel and I rest my head against the window. It feels like I’m dying inside. There’s only so much pain a person can handle.

“He still might, but the chance of that seems low. Right now James is only interested in three people: you, Samantha and a man named Andrew Jones. Obviously a cover.”

Before I can ask, Mason adds, “We’re paying him a visit soon. Just trying to track down his location.”

I nod my head, but all I can think about is that prick with his hands on my wife.

“What if we paid Jacob a visit?”

“You really think that’s the way to go? Like Kat won’t find out?” he asks me and I grind my teeth.

---

“What if she goes home? What if you go home? Just be quiet about it. Rent a hotel room and make sure you’re seen there for your tail. But go to her at night and make sure she keeps quiet.”

“My wife can’t keep a secret for shit.”

“She’s talking about going back home anyway. You’re going to need to be there.”

“You think she’d be cool with me just slipping in at night? Maybe if I told her what’s going on. But in and out, just coming and going as I please? She’d kill me.”

“Don’t tell her shit. Are you fucking crazy?” he asks me.

“Lie to her?” I ask him. Kat’s always been able to see right through me.

“I’m not saying lie to her. I’m just saying this is how it has to be. And right now she needs comfort.”

“James thinks you’re with Samantha, so be seen with her, then head over to your place.”

“You want my wife to hate me?” I ask him.

“It’s the only real option you have right now,” he says and looks me in the eyes to add, “She’ll never know.”