I have to tell Evan about Jake, but he doesn’t want to talk to me.

He’s ignoring me. Intentionally hurting me.

Yet, there’s still a sense of obligation. As if I owe it to him to let him know that I’m moving on now. Like I’ve finally got a grip on my self-respect, but I need him to know it. I roll my eyes at the thought and heave out an aggravated sigh.

I don’t care if it’s weak or pathetic. He was everything to me.

I nearly trip as I realize what I thought. Was.

Is it really over? I struggle to breathe in the cold air as I think maybe a small part of me wants to move on. No, that’s not it. It’s simply accepting that it’s time to move on.

Say something, I’m giving up on you … song lyrics play through my head as my throat dries and I force myself to keep walking up the sidewalk to 82 Brookside. Evan’s family home.

The soft lyrics of the sad song are what keep me from knocking on his door at first. I try to compose myself because if Evan doesn’t open this door, or worse, he does but doesn’t hear me out? Then I have no hope left.

I know deep down in my gut, this is my last and final effort.

Say something, I’m giving up on you … and then the soundtrack stops, a feminine voice cutting through. The voice of a woman I know.

Samantha.

I hear her laugh and then a muted voice. His voice. She’s in there with him.

I thought my heart was already broken. Apparently it was only torn, because at this moment, there’s no denying my heart’s been ripped ruthlessly in half.

I’m numb as I stand in the harsh cold, trying to listen to the faint sounds as I lean my body toward the window to my right. I can barely see her and I can’t see him at all.

There’s no way I can make out what they’re saying, but I watch her put on her coat.

It’s funny how anger can so easily replace sadness. Almost like rock-paper-scissors. Anger beats sadness, sadness beats … I don’t know what and in this moment, I don’t give a fuck.

My heartbeat picks up; my breathing gets shallow as I watch that bitch standing in Evan’s parents’ home.

What a fucking fool I was.

Of course this is why he left me. My breathing falters as I take a few steps back from the door, shoving my hair out of my face and trying to collect myself.

I hug myself as I walk aimlessly down the street. My shoes crunch the thin layer of fallen snow beneath my feet as I get farther and farther away. I let my mind whirl and my emotions stir into a concoction of self-doubt and recklessness.

“He thought I would wait for him while he had one last fling?” I whisper beneath my breath but then shake my head. “Maybe he’s trying to pick which one of us he wants … ”

Like a madwoman I talk to myself, ignoring the honking horns and cars speeding down the street next to me. I let out a sarcastic laugh and think, his choice is made.

He already left me and I already told him it was over.

How fucking dumb can I really be?

My hands fumble inside of my jacket as I round the street corner. I bite down on the cloth of my glove and pull it off so I can unlock my phone.

Evan’s cheating on me. I text Jules first. I’ve talked to her more than anyone else since she’s welcomed me into her house.

No, he can’t be! She’s quick to text back and I find myself standing still in the middle of the busy sidewalk, texting her back. Everyone walks around me, ignoring me and my mental breakdown.

I’m pregnant with his child and he’s cheating on me.

Why would you think that? she texts back as I type my response.

I just saw her.

Saw who? she asks.

Samantha

And they were kissing??? That bastard!!

I bite the inside of my cheek and hate that I can’t say yes they were kissing. Samantha’s the fucking enemy and she’s inside his house. Isn’t that enough?

I didn’t see them kiss. She’s in his house though.

What were they doing? she asks me and I find my anger turning on her.

I don’t know!

What were you doing, spying??

OMG Jules! YES of course I was! I stand there numb, reading the text messages and feeling like I truly am crazy.

What did he say? she asks me.

About them? I didn’t go in, I text her. I stand there for a moment with no response back. The wind seems to pick up and my ears burn from the cold. Or maybe from people talking about me.

I’m going to get proof. I text Jules back and spin around on my heels, shoving the phone into my coat pocket and ignoring the dings of her return messages.

I’ll confront that bastard and make him pay for the hell he’s put me through. All the while I work myself up. Each step back to his house is taken with strong and stronger resolution.

But his car’s not there and just like my gut told me the second I saw the spot empty in front of his house, the door is locked.

“Motherfucker,” I scream out as I bang my fists against the door. The chill in the air makes each impact hurt more and more.

I start to text him even though my hands are aching and freezing cold. One line saying, I know. And then I back out. Fuck that, it’s too mysterious. I text him a paragraph about what I saw, but I delete that too, knowing he’ll just deny it.

I stand there outside of his parents’ house. Outside of the house that I fell in love with him in. And I slip my phone in my pocket.

I’m not going to text him, or confront him. Nothing. I’ll figure out the truth and make sure I have evidence, but I’m giving Evan exactly what he gave me … nothing.

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Diary Entry 4

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Mom,

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I’m worried about the things that I think sometimes.

I’m worried about how angry I get. Did you get like that ever?

I don’t know if you would have. I feel like I did it to myself by marrying Evan.

I’m filled with anger more than anything. I don’t want to be like this, but it’s what he’s done to me. Maybe that’s an excuse … that’s probably what you’d tell me, isn’t it?

I’ve never been this angry and I’m afraid of what I’m going to do.

I’m trying so hard to be strong, but what is strength when you have no control?

I need to take it back. Whether Evan likes it or not.