My eyes pop open at the familiar creak from the stairs. My heart races faster and faster as I lie as still as I can. My body’s hot and the covers are making me even hotter, but I don’t move. I try not to even breathe as I wait for another sound. But nothing comes.

It’s just my nerves. Maybe a nightmare.

Slowly, my breath comes back, but I’m still too scared to move nonetheless. I blink away the sleep and tilt my head just enough to look at the clock on my nightstand. 04:14 AM stares back at me in bright red digital numbers.

The sounds of the city streets filter in and my heartbeat fades. It was nothing, I whisper and reach for my glass of water, downing it and then wishing there was more.

Get up.

I will my body to move. I wince and crack my back, letting my bare feet hit the cold hardwood floor. I don’t like sleeping alone and I don’t like how Evan’s side of the bed doesn’t have that faint smell of his anymore. I can feel the solemn expression on my face as I glance at where he used to sleep, but I keep going.

The floor protests as I walk, and I let the feeling that someone was in here leave me. I need a security system … or a dog. A big dog.

The corners of my lips tip up into a smile as I walk down the stairs.

Pushing back the hair from my face, I walk to the kitchen and turn on the light. It’s so early, but I’m hungry. To sleep, or not to sleep becomes the question.

It only takes a glass of water, two Twinkies and a couple handfuls of grapes before I don’t feel so hungry anymore and sleep is calling me upstairs again.

Passing through the dining room, I check over my shoulder, just to make sure there’s no one here. That eerie feeling is still clinging to me.

I think I’ll name the dog Brutus. My lips purse as I wonder how dogs do with infants … I make a mental note to look that up first thing tomorrow.

I think I’m starting to really feel pregnant. It’s beyond being exhausted. It’s something else.

I almost head back upstairs, but my eyes catch sight of the flowers on the table.

The flowers Jacob sent me when Henry died are already wilted. Bright yellow sunflowers. They’re large and the stems are thick. But they’ll eventually die and by the looks of them, it’ll be soon. That’s what flowers do. They die.

Next to the vase is my laptop and I absently pull it toward the edge of the table and take a seat. My body aches, my hips especially, and sitting up feels better than lying down. I might as well get a little work in before I try to sleep again.

A yawn leaves me as the dim light of the computer brightens.

Studying the flowers again, I think about how fucked up it is that I turned down a man who could have been perfect for me. My fingertips brush along the petals. I’ll never know, but I don’t want to lean on a man or anyone else.

It’s time I took control of my life.

My to-do list is already set. First step: I need a new place. Somewhere near the Manhattan Bridge, I think. I click my laptop on and check my messages and emails, simply out of habit. But I’m so tired. A few of the candidates I picked to interview to be my personal assistant emailed me back. There are two of them I really like. I might actually hire both of them. Maybe that’s really step one. And then finding the perfect place will be step two. A smile plays across my lips and I nod to myself in agreement of my early morning can’t sleep, aha moment.

It feels good that I’ve got a plan to focus on. I rest my hand on my belly. And I’ll have it all fixed and ready before this one gets here. He or she will never know this place or all the hell that went on here.

My eyes drift across the room and the night that started it all plays out in front of my eyes. I look at the head chair and envision myself sitting there like a ghost, drinking wine and wanting to deny it and at the same time hating Evan because I knew he was lying.

A dreadful breath leaves me and a sadness weighs down on my chest, but there’s conviction there too.

A new place, a new way of life. My fingers drift to my belly button and then lower. A new life entirely.

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Diary Entry 6

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Hey Mom, can I take back what I said?

I don’t think alone is the right word. Alone hurts my heart a lot. It hurts more than I want to admit. Mom, it feels like the worst thing in the world.

I think that’s why I clung to Jake. I just didn’t want to be alone.

But more than that, I want to be loved by someone who can love me the way I need.

I think maybe he could love me. It’s just not the right kind of love.

How did you know Dad loved you the way you needed? I just laughed a little writing this. I’m sure he made it obvious. He didn’t hurt you like Evan does to me.

I hope it doesn’t make you mad. I don’t think he means it. I just think he doesn’t know any better.

But I want more, Mom. I really want someone to love me.

I want them to love me like Evan used to love me.

I don’t know if it’s possible. I don’t know if maybe something’s wrong with me.

No, scratch that, there’s definitely something wrong with me.

I’m going to find someone.

Maybe not now, I don’t know when. And I’m not going to use them or compare them to Evan. It’ll take time, but I think eventually I’ll be able to do this.

You know sometimes I hate myself? Maybe that’s why no one can love me right. I can’t even love myself right.

But this baby makes me feel loved. This baby will love me, won’t he?

I promise I’ll give him every bit of love I have. I hope it’s enough.