“Shh, shh,” Lisa whispered low, cooing to the baby. She shifted him to her other arm and bounced him lightly. Across the grave plots, people sent her sympathetic looks. She wished they wouldn’t. It was hard enough to be here, staring down at the caskets containing her one and only sister and said sister’s husband, holding the three months old child they’d left behind, and facing a future of uncertainty as the now sole caretaker of the baby. Yep, it was damn hard enough. She didn’t need people’s pity too.
“It’s gonna be all right, Jason,” she whispered, more to herself than to the infant. “Everything will be all right.” She nuzzled her cheek in his downy blonde hair, trying to blink the tears away. When she lifted her face she felt as if the breath had been knocked out of her. There, standing directly across the still to be filled-in grave, was Alex Dawson.
She knew he would be here. Of course, she did. So why were her knees threatening to buckle?
And why should she be thinking about that, anyway? It was her sister’s funeral – and it was Alex’s brother’s funeral. This wasn’t the time to be going all gaga over a man.
Not that she had ever been gaga over him, exactly. No, she had never allowed herself to completely fall for him. She knew what Alex Dawson was like. He was a hardcore player, according to both his brother and sister-in-law. When they’d first told Lisa, four years ago, to stay away from him, she’d taken their advice for it. She’d messed with playboys before, and she knew how it ended. The girls got their hearts broken, while the men rode away into the sunset, like chauvinistic cowboys. Every. Single. Time.
Thinking of Sara and Daniel, now cold in the ground just a few feet away, put a comparable chill in Lisa’s chest. She felt like she’s just swallowed a whole tray of ice cubes. They were gone. Really gone. Ever since three days ago, when that giant semi plowed into them on the interstate. Lisa closed her eyes and thanked God one more time that Jason had been home with her when the accident had happened. She might not ever know the reason as to why Sara and Daniel had been taken, but at least – either through divine will or coincidence – the baby had been spared. And that was something to be eternally grateful for.
People were talking now; milling about, and someone was starting to fill the grave in. Was the funeral over? Here she’d been, completely lost in her own thoughts, and she’d basically missed her sister’s funeral. Come on, Lisa, she chided herself. Get it together. Hold it together.
The latter was much easier said than done because Alex was suddenly – and quickly – making his way towards her.
Several feet away, he stopped.
“Hi, Lisa.”
His voice was deep and smooth like velvet, just like she remembered it. It had been five months since she’d last seen him – at Christmas at her aunt’s house – and he was having the same effect on her that he’d had then. And the time before that. And the time before that.
“I can’t believe this is happening.”
His voice cracked, breaking over the last word. He wiped a hand over his eyes, and then looked up, staring at the baby in Lisa’s arms. “And now Jason’s an orphan.”
“Just like we were,” Lisa whispered.
Alex faltered. “God, that’s right. Just like you and Sara were. I’m so sorry...”
“It was a long time ago.”
Nineteen years, actually. Lisa had been two and Sara four when their mom had died of cancer, and their dad – unable to cope with his grief – had shot himself in the backyard. Lisa didn’t even remember her parents, and she definitely didn’t like talking about them. The whole growing up an orphan was just another thing for people to feel sorry for her.
Although now, it had happened to Jason. Except he was not going to be an orphan the same way that his mother and aunt had been. He wasn’t going to be shuffled around from foster home to foster home. He was going to be raised in a loving and secure home, and Lisa was going to provide it for him, no matter what.
“Are you really going to raise Jason all by yourself?”
He raised his eyebrows, and Lisa felt a flash of defiance course through her.
“What, you don’t think I’m capable of it?”
“No, it’s not that-”
“Legally, I have a right to. I’m his closest living relative, and I’ve been living with him and his parents before he was even born.”
“I’m as closely related to him as you are.”
Lisa paused, not sure what he was getting at. Jason started crying again, this time turning the volume up a notch.
“He’s getting hungry. I need to get his bottle out of the car.”
“Okay, sorry.”
He turned to go, then stopped, and turned back around.
“You guys should move in with me.”
Lisa blinked, not sure she’d actually heard him right. “Excuse me?”
“You’re still studying for your major; I know that. And that house that you’re staying in, it’s not cheap. Rent in that part of town is crazy. I’ve got a three bedroom apartment that’s just sitting there. You can live with me – at least until you’re done with University. I can help with Jason.”
Lisa slowly shook her head. “I don’t think – ”
“Please.”
He stared at her, the blue of his eyes even more vibrant than the sky behind them. A wave of brown hair fell over his forehead, and she resisted the urge to brush it away.
“I wasn’t in my brother’s life as much as I should have been, and I regret that. It’s too late now, though. The only thing I can do is to try to be the right kind of uncle to my nephew. Please. Let me try.”
Lisa bit her lip. Jason cried again, even louder. It was true – she couldn’t afford to keep living in the house her sister and brother-in-law had been renting. In fact, they’d been kind enough to let her live there while she finished her studies. Now that they were gone, there was no way she was gonna be able to pay the bills on just three waitressing shifts a week. Jason’s parents had left a bit of money, but it wasn’t much. What with rent and daycare, she knew that it was more than likely she was going to have to drop out of school. This was a cold hard fact she’d been trying to ignore for the past few days, but she knew she was going to have to deal with it sooner rather than later.
“Let’s go get his bottle and talk about it,” he offered, gesturing towards the parking lot.
“Okay, fine,” she agreed, sighing. “Let’s talk.”
She knew without a doubt, though, that she was going to have to accept his offer – and whatever might come with it.
“That’s the last one,” Alex groaned, setting the box down in the living room. Lisa gulped and turned away, trying not to think about the way his muscles were straining underneath that tight white t-shirt.
“You’re pretty easy to move,” he commented. “You don’t like having a lot of stuff around, huh?”
She shrugged. “Stuff is stuff. It’s never really been that important to me.”
He nodded. “What is important?”
“Having something to say and saying it. Being with people... people you love.”
Abruptly, all the muscles in his face relaxed and he stared at her like it was the first time he was ever seeing her. Lisa blushed, feeling warmth bloom through her whole body. The conversation had gotten way personal, way fast. She needed to keep a better check on her behavior. Alex was not someone to be attained, and she wasn’t going to let herself forget it.
She cleared her throat, and moved towards the pack and play in the middle of the room. “I just need to give Jason his bath, and then after he’s asleep I’ll start unpacking.”
“I can do it.”
She stopped. “What? Unpack?”
“No. Bathe Jason.”
“Umm... No offense, but really? Have you ever bathed a baby before?”
“Sure.”
“Seriously?”
“Okay, no. But how hard can it be?”
Lisa lifted Jason out of the pack and play and rested his head against her shoulder.
“Most guys are afraid to even hold babies.”
“I’m not most guys.”
Gulp. I know you’re not, Lisa thought.
“You’re tired from moving all my boxes,” she argued.
“And sweaty.”
Just hearing him say the word ‘sweat’ sent Lisa’s legs quaking. If only he could stop being so... so... him.
“Right. So why don’t you go take a shower, and I’ll bathe Jason in the kitchen sink?”
“Okay. Deal. Sooner or later, though, I’m going to have to learn how to do it. You can’t take care of him all by yourself, you know.”
And with that, he was gone, a hundred and eighty pounds or so of sheer perfection walking away down the hall. Lisa sighed. What the hell was she getting herself into?
That night, after Jason was finally asleep, Lisa sat in her new room. Everything about it seemed out of place. She missed her old room. She missed Sara. She missed Daniel. For the hundredth time in the last two weeks, she wiped a tear from her eye. She knew she was doing the right thing by accepting Alex’s offer to move in, but still, it was so much so fast. Everything had changed in the blink of an eye. And, on top of it all, she couldn’t stop having dreams about Alex – the hot, sweaty, groaning kinds of dreams.
She stared into the mirror on the wall. She looked so much like Sara – they’d both had the same blue eyes, fine blonde hair, and splattering of freckles across their noses. Just looking at her own reflection made her miss her sister even more.
“God damn it!” she screamed, picking up a pillow and throwing it at the mirror. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to calm down. There was no sense in losing herself and completely wrecking the room.
A soft knock interrupted her attempt at meditation.
“Lisa?”
Alex. Shit. He must have heard her outburst. Quickly, she wiped her eyes again and straightened the pink nightie she had on. “Yeah?”
The door creaked open. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. Fine.”
“You sure?”
He stepped around the door, inviting himself into the room. Lisa’s breath caught as she saw him shirtless for the very first time. He was perfectly hairless and so supple-looking that it ought to have been a crime.
“Um, sorry. What did you just say?”
“Are you sure you’re fine?”
“Yeah, I just....”
She paused. She wanted to tell him everything – she wanted to pour her feelings out, right there, right in front of him. She wanted to sting – she wanted to bleed like she had never bled before, so that – maybe – she could one day start to heal.
But could she even trust him with her feelings? All she really knew about this guy was that he had left his parents’ house right after school, then went on to a relatively successful career in real estate before buying this apartment. The word – from everyone – was that he went through girlfriends like days of the week. He showed up at family holiday gatherings, but other than that, he tended to be a no-show. Was he really someone to be trusted?
“It’s gonna take some time,” he said, interrupting her thoughts.
“Yeah, exactly.”
He paused, looking like he wanted to say something else, but then just smiled sadly. “Goodnight, Lisa.”
“Goodnight, Alex.”
The door closed, just as softly as it had opened. Lisa threw herself back onto the bed. She had no idea how she was going to get to sleep in this apartment – ever.
“Where are my keys?” Lisa moaned, searching desperately across the couch one last time. Remote controls, burp cloths, and baby clothes waiting to be folded went flying.
“It’s like they just freaking disappeared!” Quickly, she glanced at the clock on the wall. “Shit. I have to leave, like, ten minutes ago.”
“Lisa.”
“Not right now, Alex,” she snapped, grabbing the two couch cushions and tossing them on the floor. No keys. Not even crumbs or dirt. Alex was surprisingly clean for a man.
“Lisa.”
“God! What?”
“You’re holding them.”
“Huh?”
“In your hand.”
Slowly, Lisa looked down. Sure enough, there they were. Wow. Did she feel like an idiot. Suddenly, Lisa wanted to cry. It wasn’t just because of the keys, and it wasn’t because she was late to class. It was everything. She and Jason had been living with Alex for a week now, and things didn’t feel any better than they had the day they’d moved in.
“Let me take Jason to daycare,” Alex said, leaning against the wall, his arms folded. He looked like he belonged on the cover of GQ when he did that, and Lisa wished that he wouldn’t. If only he could just stand there like a normal human being and not have to look so damn sultry all the time. But no. Nothing about Alex was average.
“You’ll be late to work,” she argued.
“And you’re already late to class. Besides, it doesn’t matter if I’m a little late.” He smiled. “I am kind of the boss.”
Lisa sighed. She knew she needed more help. That’s why she and Jason had moved in with Alex in the first place. But still, she was hesitant whenever he offered his help, and she didn’t really know why.
“Stop resisting my help.”
Okay, so the man was definitely not average. Average people do not read minds.
“Okay. Fine... I mean thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me,” he said, his voice getting soft. “You guys are family.”
“Yeah.”
She swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat as she moved towards the front door.
“Thanks though. I’ll see you tonight.”
“See you tonight.”
“He sounds freaking perfect.”
Lisa dropped her tray onto the cafeteria table. “Don’t say that.”
“Why not?” Jane pressed, plopping down in her seat before snatching a hair tie from her purse to pull back her red curls with. “Because you want him, and if you give in to your lusty feelings it’ll be incest?”
“It will not! We’re not blood related!”
Jane threw her head back in laughter. “Okay, one: you just got super defensive, and two: you said ‘will’ which means you’re totally planning on seducing him.”
Lisa frowned, shaking her orange juice and then twisting its’ cap off.
“I’m not planning on seducing him, trust me. He’s totally off limits.”
“Why not? You two already practically have a family together.”
“Just until I graduate.”
“Then what? You think he’s just gonna be fine with being out of Jason’s life? Nu-uh. It’s gonna be shared custody, Lisa. You’re gonna be dropping and picking Jason up at that man’s apartment for years.”
Lisa hadn’t thought of that. And why hadn’t she?
Because it was too much to think about.
“Even if I did, say, want to be with Alex,” she said. “He’s not relationship material. He’s a total player.”
“I know. You told me. But how long have you guys been living there?”
“A few weeks.”
“Have there been any girls around?”
“No. But it’s only been a few weeks.”
“So does he ever go out?”
Did he ever go out? Lisa froze, her fork hovering above her casserole. Come to think of it, every night since she and Jason had moved in, Alex had spent his time at home.
“No. He hasn’t gone out.”
“So maybe he’s changed.”
“Come on, Jane. People don’t just change.”
Jane shrugged. “Not usually. But sometimes they do. All I’m saying is give the guy a chance. His brother just died, after all. There’s no telling what kind of impact that’s had on him.”
Lisa bit her lip, turning her friend’s words over in her mind. Could Jane be right? Might Alex actually be a different man than the one Sara and Daniel had always told her about?
Lisa smiled and lightly poked Jane with her fork. “I should know better than to have conversations like this with a psych major. You can’t stop trying to figure everything out.”
“Hello?” Lisa called softly, shutting the door and dropping her backpack on the floor. The apartment was totally quiet. Please God, let the baby be asleep, she prayed. With three classes and her dinner shift at the restaurant, it had been one long ass day. Through each hectic hour, though, she’d been thinking about what Jane had said at lunch. Could it be true? Might Alex really have changed after the car accident?
The lights were off in the kitchen. Had Alex gone to bed? It wasn’t yet ten o’clock. Still, though, he’d had to pick up Jason from daycare and take care of the baby all evening long all by himself. Lisa knew first-hand just how exhausting that could be.
Moving into the kitchen, she saw a plastic-wrapped plate of food sitting on the Formica island. A strange emotion – something that was a mix of surprise and guilt – hit her as she read the sticky note taped to the plastic.
‘Hope you had a good night - The boys.’
Alex had not only made her dinner, but he had taken the time to write a sweet little note. No matter that it was short and simple. It was the gesture that counted.
Lisa smiled and wiped away a tear, and suddenly – forcefully – tremendously – hoped with every cell in her body that Alex really had changed. All the signs seemed to be saying that he had. And she hadn’t wanted to believe it – she didn’t want to make a mistake and get hurt. She wasn’t that kind of girl – no, she wasn’t a fool.
But the truth was getting harder and harder to deny: Alex was the kind of man lots of girls dreamed of coming home to – and Lisa was actually getting to live the dream.
She unwrapped the plate and set it in the microwave, then tiptoed back into and across the living room. Jason's bedroom was the first one in the hallway. Across from it was the main bathroom, and then down the hall was Lisa's room, and across from it Alex's – which had its own bathroom. The air was just as still and quiet as it had been in the kitchen and living room. Jason's door was open halfway. Lisa went to it and peeked around, careful not to touch the door and make it creak.
There, reclining in the rocking chair, was Alex, with Jason fast asleep on his chest. Alex had his feet up on the footstool and the lavender flannel baby blanket that Lisa had given Sara at her baby shower was draped across the two of them. Jason's little back fell and rose as he breathed deep, his face pressed against Alex's broad chest.
Lisa felt strange standing there watching them sleep – like she was infringing on another adult's privacy. She couldn't tear herself away from the doorway, though. And she knew she wasn't going to be able to tear herself away from this life once her college ended next year. The longer she stayed here, the harder it was going to get. But she had to stay. For Jason. She just had to find some way to live with her feelings for Alex.
“I'm falling in love with you,” she whispered, surprising herself. She slapped a hand over her mouth. Neither the man or the baby moved, though.
Lisa steadied her breathing, closed her eyes, and nodded. Yes. I'm falling in love with you. I'll deal with it, though.
“No work today?” Alex asked, shaking the frying pan and flipping a pancake without even looking.
Lisa shook her head and went back to feeding Jason. The baby was in a particularly good mood today, cooing and smiling more than usual. For the first time, Lisa wondered just how much his parents' deaths had impacted him. She had thought he was too young to even realize the people who used to be around weren't anymore, but maybe she was wrong. Maybe the sudden disappearance of his mom and dad had hurt him deeply. Maybe his sleep with Alex last night had been just what he'd needed. They'd spent the whole night in the rocking chair, even sleeping in later than Jason usually did.
“Awesome. We should do something fun.”
“Umm... fun?”
Lisa didn't even think about 'fun' anymore. She thought about life, which was going to school, going to work, changing diapers, and warming bottles – oh yeah, and getting the chance to study for an hour here and there, if she was lucky.
“Yeah. It's Saturday.”
“What do you usually do on the weekends? I mean, what did you do before we moved in?”
Alex didn't answer. Instead, he slid the pancakes out of the pan and onto a serving plate, then walked over to the table. His arm brushed Lisa's as he set the plate down, and the fresh scent of pine wafted off him. Her chest clenched.
He went to the cabinet, grabbing plates and silverware. “Really,” he finally said. “Not that much.”
“What's 'not that much'? You didn't just sit around staring at the wall all weekend.”
Setting the table, he kept his back turned, and Lisa realized he was trying not to look at her. Was he embarrassed?
He sat down next to her and cleared his throat. “I'd hang out with my friends. Watch sports. Maybe go to bars.”
“Pick up girls?”
Lisa wanted to slap herself. She couldn't believe she'd just asked him that.
Finally, he looked at her, a wide grin on his face. “Why?”
Lisa swallowed. Hard. “Just curious.”
His smile faltered, and he looked sad. “Sometimes... Actually, maybe too much.”
Lisa wondered just how many girls he'd brought back to this apartment. How many of them had he had sex with? And had any of that sex happened in what was now her room? Or on the couch that she sat on every day, doing homework or rocking Jason? Jealousy coursed through her.
“How come you don't have a boyfriend?”
Lisa laughed. “A boyfriend? I don't think I've had time for that since high school.”
She stood up to put Jason in his high chair. “Besides, the only place I can meet people is at school. And the boys my age are just awful.”
Alex laughed. “I can't disagree with that. Although, the men that are older probably aren't much better either.”
Lisa glanced at him. Why had he asked about a boyfriend?
“How old are you anyway?”
“I'm thirty.”
“And do you act like you are twenty-one? That is what you're suggesting, right? That all men are immature?”
Lisa leaned against the table, her hand on her hip. She felt like she had the upper-hand in this conversation, and it felt great.
Alex bit his lip. Slowly, he spoke. “I would like to think... that I'm growing some, finally. Especially after the last month.”
For the first time in the conversation, he looked right into her eyes, and Lisa felt the entire room turn upside down as that one gaze pushed aside all the pretenses of the last few weeks. She felt like he was looking right at her, and seeing nothing but her, and she was looking right at him and seeing nothing but him.
Unable to stand anymore, Lisa fell into her chair, her butt practically splintering the wood. She couldn't take her eyes off the tablecloth. What was she supposed to say after that extreme show of honesty?
Alex cleared his throat. “I hope you like bacon.”
She looked up at him. “I love it.”
“Parking is always crazy here on Saturdays,” Alex said, driving around the lot for the second time in a row. “But trust me, it's very worth it.”
“How do you know about this place anyway?”
“I come here sometimes with my friend Dan and his little girls. They love the paddle boats.”
Alex hanging out at a kiddie park on Saturdays? Now that was a side to the man that Lisa would never have imagined.
“Here we go – found one.”
He smoothly slid the car into the parking spot and was out and unbuckling Jason before Lisa had even found where she'd thrown her purse.
“What if we take a ride on the train first, then hit the petting zoo, and then the water playground? It'll be almost noon by then, so Jason can cool off in the water.”
Lisa threw her hands up, making a show of her total surrender. “You are the expert. I don't think I've ever even been to a place like this.”
He closed the car door and put Jason's little sunhat on the baby's head.
“Your foster parents didn't take you guys to parks?”
Lisa looked away. “The few foster parents we had... Well, they were just doing their best. Let's put it that way.”
Before she even knew he was reaching out, Alex was touching her cheek, his thumb gently stroking down her jaw. The touch was tender, but there was a strong current of sexual desire hidden underneath it. Lisa could feel it, pulsating through his fingers, charging into her skin, and traveling down her entire body.
For the first time, she realized that he might actually want her in the same way that she wanted him.
Unable to stop herself, she turned her cheek into his hand, surrendering to his touch. He cupped her face, and they stood there for one long moment. A shaky breath entered and left her body.
Finally, she stepped back. Each new moment with him felt better than the last, and she had to distance herself before she lost it.
She grabbed her sunglasses from her purse and slipped them on. “Should I grab the stroller?”
“I'll just carry him.”
“Okay. We can take turns.”
“Sounds good,” he smiled, walking off towards the park entrance.
Lisa rubbed her shoulders, trying not to think about all the different things she and Alex could 'take turns' at – things that had absolutely nothing to do with baby carrying.
“Say 'Hi Aunt Lisa'!” Alex said, waving the baby's hand.
Lisa held her phone up, snapping another picture as Jason and Alex spun around on the carousel. The horse they rode on rose up and the baby smiled.
“Your husband and son are so adorable,” a voice to her left said.
Lisa looked and saw a brunette woman dressed all in pink smiling at her.
“Oh,” she stuttered. “....Thank you.”
Husband? Lisa knew she should correct the woman. Then again, why bother?
Jason and Alex spun around again, and Lisa's left thumb rubbed against her ring finger- the place where a wedding ring would rest. What would it be like to wear a ring Alex had given her?
She'd never had such a thought about any man before. The only thing she'd wondered when it came to marriage was whether or not she actually wanted to be in one someday. And the thought had always been an abstract one. She'd never actually been with anyone that she'd considered as long-term material. She'd had two or three boyfriends, but they had all turned out to be incredibly immature. All they'd wanted was sex.
They'd been players. Just like Alex.
Or just like Alex had been.
He's different, Lisa, she told herself. Even more so than he was when you moved in a month ago. Open your eyes.
The carousel slowed down, coming to a stop. Alex climbed down, cradling Jason against his shoulder. As he walked closer to Lisa her heart beat faster and faster. She was spiraling down into a crazy unknown land, and it was too late to turn back. She was in love with him. It was crash and burn or soar and fly. The only thing to do now was to pray that she could hold it in.
Jason slept, cradled in his car seat, completely still and silent.
“We should do this every day,” Lisa said, turning back to face the front seat. “If it makes him take this hardcore of a nap.”
“You mean quit school and work and just go to the park?”
“That's exactly what I mean,” she giggled.
He smiled back at her, the warmth of his grin bridging the foot between them and settling on her. “I like how you think.”
“I like how you think.”
He laughed now, too. “About what?”
She looked down at her hands, folded in her lap. “About what it means to be kind.”
“You showed me how to be kind, Lisa,” he said.
She looked back at him, surprised. “What?”
“You gave yourself completely to Jason. You set the example for me. I'm just trying to be like you.”
Tears pricked at Lisa's eyes, but for the first time in a month, they weren't tears of sadness. They were tears of pure, unbridled gratitude.
“I wish that you and I had hung out some before all this happened,” she said. “I mean, not at Thanksgiving at Aunt Marsha's.”
He laughed, and then grew silent. A few moments passed in quiet.
“You wouldn't have liked me before, Lisa,” he said, his tone grave.
“Why not?” She knew the answer though, she just wanted to hear him say it – not only that, but she wanted to hear him say that he'd changed.
“I meant what I said about you showing me how to be kind. You and Jason have changed me – for the better.”
He took one hand off the wheel and reached it across the console. Warm, strong fingers wrapped around Lisa's hand, and she held them in her lap, savoring the moment – enjoying the moment... and giving thanks for it all.
“Out like a baby,” Lisa winked, walking into the living room, where Alex was sitting reading a book.
“Hmmm. Maybe we should just forget about the rest of our lives and spend every day at the park.”
Lisa laughed, plopping down on the couch right next to him. Her foot brushed against his leg, and she wondered if he was as painfully aware of the light touch as she was.
She sat in silence, not sure what to say. Self-consciously, she picked up the remote control and started surfing through channels. She wasn't really paying attention to the TV though – not with Alex so close. Ever since he'd reached out and held her hand that afternoon every single nerve in her body had been turned on and tuned to one channel: The Alex Network. All Alex, All the Time.
“Want to play a board game?” he asked, breaking the silence.
Lisa looked away from the mindless car commercial that was on the screen.
“A board game? Seriously?”
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“You just don't seem like the kind of guy who has board games lying around his apartment.”
Alex shrugged. “Okay, so they're not just lying around. It's been a while since I've broken them out.”
“What do you have?”
He grinned. “Let's see.”
“Yes! Yes!! Two hundred more dollars for me!” Lisa squealed, doing a happy little dance in her seat.
“Wow. I am so behind you right now it's embarrassing.”
“Are you ashamed to be losing at Monopoly to a girl?”
“Of course not. I'm a feminist. We should have played Go Fish though. I'd have kicked your butt at that.”
“Yeah, yeah. Losers talk; winners walk.”
Playfully, he tossed a couch pillow at her. She caught it and threw it back.
“You know what game I miss playing most from when I was a kid?” he asked.
“What?”
“Capture the Flag.”
“Oooh, yeah.” Lisa leaned forward, taking another sip of her water. “And what about Hide and Seek? Man, I was good at that one.”
Alex grinned. “How good?”
“Sara hardly ever found me when we played. One time, when I was five, I hid at the bottom of a clothing hamper. Covered myself up with dirty socks and everything.”
“Wow. You really are hardcore.”
“Yeah. I know.”
“Let's play it now.”
“Hide and Seek? There aren't really a lot of places to hide in here.”
“What if we turn off the lights?”
Lisa hopped off the couch, knocking the monopoly board off the coffee table. “Yes! Genius.”
Alex switched off the floor lamp, then moved towards the kitchen. “Will you get the hall light?”
“Yeah. Any place off limits?”
“Other than Jason's room? No.”
“Hell hath no fury like a baby wakened.”
Lisa giggled and hit the hall switch. With the curtains drawn and no lights on, it was eerily dark. “Wait. Who's hiding first?” she asked.
“You go. I'll be in the living room counting up to one hundred.”
“Deal.” Quickly, she moved farther down the hall. She knew exactly where she was hiding. Or what room, at least. She'd never even been in Alex's room – she'd only happened to peer in whenever the door was open.
She felt along as she walked, waiting for the break in the wall. Behind her, she heard Alex counting. He was at twenty already.
Stumbling into his room, she took a few steps and bumped into the bed. Damn it. Maybe since she wasn't really familiar with the room it had been a bad choice. Oh well. Too late now.
Putting her hands out in front of her again, she moved around the edge of the bed. Where was the best place to hide in here? Under the bed, maybe? In the closet? She knew that was somewhere on the far wall...
She couldn't hear Alex counting anymore. Quickly, she dropped to her knees and pulled herself under the bed. Not her best hiding spot ever but it’ll have to do. The bed was big though – a queen or king – and maybe she could hide in the very middle to avoid detection. It was definitely dark enough in here that Alex could look right under the bed and not see her.
She made herself as small as possible and focused on breathing shallowly. The apartment was dead quiet. Outside, a car honked. Lisa shivered. Where the hell was Alex? He was being too quiet.
She turned her head, straining to listen. How could such a tall man be so quiet? Should she get out and hide somewhere else? Maybe she had picked an awful spot.
Suddenly, something in the room creaked, and Lisa froze. Was he in here?
No. It must have just been a board creaking. Alex was probably at the other end of the apartment.
“Ow,” she whispered to herself. Her right leg was starting to fall asleep. Gently, she scooted to the side a few inches, shaking her foot gently. She was interrupted by something grabbing her leg.
“Gotcha!” Alex whispered.
Swiftly, Lisa kicked him with her other foot, breaking his hand's hold on her.
“Not yet,” she responded, pulling herself as fast as she could to the other side of the bed. Quick as a flash, she was up and moving to the door. Alex was even quicker though. He grabbed her shoulders, stopping her in her tracks.
“I said 'gotcha'! Game's over.”
“Never,” she snarled, making the response as dramatic as she possibly could. She attempted to run for it, but Alex picked her up from behind, her legs kicking in the air. Stumbling, he fell backward, collapsing onto the bed.
“You are such a cheater,” he mumbled, through laughter. “And your hair is in my mouth.”
“Sorry,” she giggled. “I'm a sore loser.”
Attempting to disentangle herself, she turned over, but somehow ended up still being on top of him. Not only that, but his arms were wrapped around her waist.
Lisa froze, her heart all but stopping. Was this actually happening?
Even as close as she was, she could barely see Alex's face through the dark. All she could make out was the outline of his jaw and cheek. He lay motionless, her hands still on the small of her back.
“This is dangerous,” he whispered.
Lisa took in a sharp breath. Of all the things she had expected him to say, that wasn't one of them.
“Why?” she prompted.
He hesitated, a heavier silence hanging between them. Lisa could feel each of his individual fingers burning her skin through her thin t-shirt. It was agony and ecstasy all at the same time. She wanted – needed – something to happen; for him to make a move, but at the same time she wanted nothing more than to exist in the painfully sweet moment forever.
“We can't play this game.”
“Hide and seek?”
He chuckled. “I think you know what I mean.”
“Yeah,” she responded softly. “I do.”
“We have Jason to raise. And if something were to happen between you and me, and then things were to go wrong...”
She nodded slowly, although she wasn't even sure he could see the movement in the dark room. She hadn't really thought about what he was saying. She'd only worried about the dangers from her end. What he was saying made so much sense though, and – damn – it hurt. The painfully sweet fire that was first coming from his touch was now a burning fire in her chest and throat.
“I want to do right by you,” he whispered.
She swallowed what felt like a ball of flames and forced herself to speak. “What do you mean?”
“What you and Jason need right now is a good home – a strong supportive environment – and I need to provide that for you. I can't screw that up. I can't lead you on. I can't hurt you – ”
“This already hurts,” she interrupted. “It hurt from the first time I saw you and realized I couldn't have you.”
He moved his right hand up, cupping her face. She wanted to collapse, to melt into his arms, but she forced herself to stay rigid, to keep the space between them. Slowly, tentatively, he spoke, as if testing out the validity of the words as he put breath to them.
“I'm not even sure I know how to take care of others. This is all new to me.”
“Alex... I – okay, I have to be honest...” She exhaled heavily, committing herself to the brutal truth of the moment. “You've really surprised me. You've been so helpful with Jason. You've been so helpful to me... I don't think you have to worry about learning how to take care of others. I think you already know how to.”
“Lisa,” he whispered, moving his hand from her cheek to the back of her neck, where all the hairs stood on end. “Thank you.”
With her eyes now adjusted to the darkness, she could see a smile resting on his face. She smiled in return, despite the slow, painful burning she still felt inside.
“What do you want?” he asked.
Before she knew what she was saying, the words were out. “I want you to kiss me.”
The half a second in which Alex took to bridge the gap between them to touch his lips to hers stretched out and took on more meaning than any other half second in Lisa's life. The first half second after which she had learned her sister and brother-in-law were dead; the first half second after she had seen Jason's little face for the first time; the first half second after she had seen Alex at the holiday party over four years ago... All of those were moments she would always remember, standing out permanently in her mind because of the shining brilliance or mind-numbing pain of them.
But this half of a second she knew would always stand out above all the others because of the sheer awe of it. Not only that, but she had a feeling that once his lips touched hers she would probably explode and permanently become a part of the stars, staying up in the sky for the rest of time, readily and willingly shining down on every pair of lovers that were to come after her and Alex. All thoughts were lost as his lips crashed against hers, and she had a momentary sense that she was out of her body – yes, she was up there in the stars flying to heaven. But was this actually going on? She had spent years wanting it and telling herself she could not have it – the last month had been pure torture in some ways. Now that Alex was here, beneath her, kissing her and running his hands through her hair, it just didn't seem real.
She grabbed his t-shirt with both hands, a hunger she had never felt before taking over. His tongue danced with hers, the two of them intertwining in her mouth. He tasted sweet and smooth, but it wasn't enough. She wanted to taste every inch of him. She wanted to take every part of his body in her mouth until there was no part of him left unexplored.
Swiftly, he flipped her over and moved on top. His chest pressed against her, but he held himself back, careful not to lay his full weight down. His tongue ran across her teeth, and a shaky sigh left her body. The pain from before had turned into a new kind of fire – one that had started in her belly and was now spreading rapidly, soaking her limbs in heat. She knew she wasn't going to be satisfied until she had Alex in every way possible that a woman can have a man.
Grabbing his hands, she moved them to her waist. “Touch me,” she whispered. “Anywhere. Everywhere.”
He pulled up, looking down into her eyes. Against the dim light from the street lamp, she could now see the faintest bit of his pupils. “Are you sure?”
She gulped but didn't hesitate. “Yes. I'm so sure. Do anything you want.... As long as you'll let me do anything I want to you.”
He groaned, a low guttural sound, and moved his face to her belly. Gently lifting her shirt, he kissed across her stomach going lower with each touch of his lips. When he got to her jeans, he deftly unbuttoned and pulled them down, yanking them off in a few swift moves.
Lisa was aware of just how wet she was down there – she could feel the warmth soaking through her panties and running down her thighs. Each second that Alex didn't touch her there felt like an hour that she had to wait.
Slowly, achingly, he rubbed his fingers across the top of the thin fabric, barely grazing her clit. The slight touch felt heavenly though, and Lisa moaned softly, pressing her face into her arm.
“If you don't want to do this, you better tell me now,” Alex said, his voice husky. “Because I'm not going to be able to control myself any longer.”
“If you do control yourself, I'll kill you,” Lisa laughed.
“Good to hear,” he chuckled, pushing her underwear to the side.
His face lowered between her legs, and she felt his hot breath against her folds. Sweet, wet licks teased her clit, and she moaned again. Pleasure surged through every inch of her, like nothing she had ever felt – not with any man; not with herself. This was something new entirely. If he continued like this she was certain to explode in a matter of seconds.
“Oh my God,” she sighed. “You're driving me crazy. I can't take it.”
“I'm gonna make you take it,” he teased, before resuming his sucking and licking.
“Seriously, I can't take it,” she moaned. “Come here.”
Sliding out from under him, she rose up to her knees. “Take your pants off.”
“I wasn't done.”
“Take your pants off.”
“That was rude.”
Lisa giggled. “Let's see if you say that in two minutes.”
Standing, Alex undid his belt and let his pants drop to the floor.
“Shirt too. And underwear,” Lisa commanded.
“Well, well. You're suddenly very bossy.”
“I think you like it,” Lisa responded, pulling her own shirt off.
“I love it.”
The rest of Alex's clothes flew to the floor, and he moved towards Lisa again. The gentle touch from earlier now gone, he pushed aside one of her bra cups, exposing her nipple to the air. His mouth puckered around it, hungrily sucking.
Lisa reached behind her, unhooking her bra. As it fell to the bed, Alex reached up and grabbed her other breast, massaging and pulling it. Lisa wanted so badly for him to never stop, but she wanted something else even more, and she was starting to feel like she was going to go crazy if she didn't get it – and get it now.
Her own actions turning rougher, Lisa pushed him down flat. Unquestioningly, he went. His dick was hard and straight, and she could feel it against her leg, a little bit of pre-cum leaking out of it. She grasped it, reveling in the smoothness. It was just as soft as she had expected it to be and just as thick as she had hoped. She slid her hand up and down, imagining the fullness of him inside of her. Just the idea made her quake.
Slowly, she lowered her mouth to him, gently licking and teasing the very tip of his head. He moaned low, and she took his whole member in her mouth, bobbing her head up and down. He was sweet and salty, and with each stroke she made he moaned louder.
“Are you ready for me?” she asked, raising her head and brushing her hair back.
He grabbed her hair, tugging gently. “Yes.”
“Then come.”
Moving back, she rested languidly against the pillows, waiting for Alex to make the next move. Somewhere in the darkness, he reached over and rummaged in a bedside stand. A crinkling and a rip signified a condom being put on, and a moment later he was against Lisa again, kissing her and running his hands against the length of her body.
She slid down further, resting completely under his hips. Their kisses became more intense; feverish. Alex slid his hand between her legs, spreading them wide. He pushed against her warm spot, teasing but not entering. Slowly, he slid the slightest bit in. Lisa moaned, stretching herself wide to welcome him. With another push, he entered deep, groaning as he grabbed her hair and bit her lip.
Lisa shuddered and looped her arms around his back. Alex made another slow motion, gently thrusting in and up. She gasped as he hit the sweetest spot deep within her.
Steadily, he found a rhythm, and Lisa succumbed, letting every muscle relax and her every sense filled up by his presence. His motions became faster, and the heat building in Lisa increased and rose, encompassing her whole being. It swirled around her, lifting her up in a wave of ecstasy.
“Alex,” she whispered into his hair, as the pressure accumulated, and she exploded in sweet release.
Alex moaned in response, thrusting one last time. He stilled against her, pressing their sweaty bodies close. Lisa closed her eyes, spots swimming in the darkness in front of her, and sighed. All was right with the world. All was perfect. And she hoped nothing ever, ever changed.
Bang, bang, came the loud knocking. Lisa dragged an arm across Alex's chest, rubbing her heavy eyes. She couldn't even remember falling asleep. Her last memory was of lying pressed up against Alex, their bodies still naked, kissing slowly. Was it morning already?
No, the room was still shrouded in darkness, and Alex lay next to her, deep asleep.
The banging noise came again, even louder this time.
“Alex,” she whispered, shaking him gently. “I think someone's at the door.”
Alex stirred, rolling on his side. “What?”
“Alex!” came a high-pitched voice – a woman's.
Every muscle in Lisa froze. At first, she had thought it was the police – that maybe there had been another accident. Or maybe it was a neighbor who needed help. But this woman didn't sound desperate. She sounded... giddy.
“Let me in, baby,” she yelled again. Her voice was muffled and far-away, but the tone was clearly distinguishable. Yes, she was giddy.
“Oh, God,” Alex said, rolling out of bed and switching on the bedside lamp.
“Who is that?” Lisa asked, attempting to keep her voice even.
Alex picked his pants off the floor and pulled them on.
“I'll get rid of her,” he responded, quickly walking out of the room.
“You didn't answer,” Lisa whispered, more to herself than to him, since he was already gone.
She didn't really need an answer though, and she didn't want to know the woman's name. All she needed was a good slap in the face because she had been a fool. She'd been a ridiculous fool to even think that Alex might have changed. What was that story about the scorpion and the frog? That's right. The scorpion can't change his nature, no matter what. Just like the playboy.
Lisa pushed herself out of bed, her hands shaking at her sides. She grabbed her shirt and pants and tugged them on. From the front, voices drifted down the hall – one high pitched and whiny, and the other low and steady.
Lisa slid to the end of the hall, not willing to step into the living room. In the front doorway stood a young woman close to Lisa's own age. She was clearly intoxicated, but her state hadn't messed up her smooth brown hair or heavy eye makeup. She was beautiful and well put together, and just looking at her made Lisa rage. Alex had slept with this girl. And who knew how many times? Or what it had meant?
Had they had a relationship? Or had he just used her for sex, just like he had Lisa earlier tonight?
“There's a baby here,” Alex was saying. “You need to keep your voice down.”
The girl's heavily penciled eyebrows shot up. “Seriously? Wow, Alex, I knew we weren't serious, but man...”
“He's my nephew.” Alex folded his arms. “And you need to go, Cara. I'm sorry.”
Cara opened her mouth to speak, and then caught sight of Lisa. Her mouth twisted into a sour pucker. “Okay, I see. You've got yourself a little family now. You don't need me.”
Tears appeared in her eyes, and Lisa felt sorry for her. She wished that the girl had never shown up here, but still, Lisa knew how she felt.
“It's not like that,” Alex said.
Not like that? Lisa's hands balled into fists. Sure, she already knew that it 'wasn't like that', but did he have to tell this girl that as well?
Whimpering permeated the silence, and Alex turned his head, seeing Lisa for the first time. “Lisa,” he started, but by then Jason had burst into full-blown wailing.
Lisa spun on her heels, flying into the baby's room. Shutting the door behind her, she locked it and wiped away her tears.
“Good timing, Jason,” she whispered, bending over the crib to scoop him up. She bounced the baby, resting him against her breast.
“Looks like it really is just you and me, buddy.”
A knock on the door woke her up. Lisa started, rising up from the rocking chair. She had spent the rest of the night sleeping in it next to the crib, and her neck was stiff.
“Lisa,” came Alex's voice through the door. “Please let me in. It wasn't what you think.”
Hah. Right. As if those words weren't completely overused.
Lisa bent over the crib. Jason's mobile toy was still on, and he was awake, staring at the spinning zoo animals overhead and kicking his legs. Memories of the last twelve hours – the beautiful and the ugly – flooded over her and she pressed her palm to her mouth, trying to stop a sob from coming out.
She lifted Jason up and walked over to the door, unlocking and opening it. Alex stood in the door frame, his arm resting against it. He looked as if he hadn't slept at all.
“I'm only coming out because Jason needs to be fed,” she clipped, brushing past him and heading to the kitchen.
“Cara and I haven't seen each other in two months,” he said, following close behind her. “We're over.”
“Yeah, but who else is gonna show up here?” she snapped, spinning around and facing him. “Who are you not over with?”
His lips formed a grim line, and she smirked. She couldn't help it.
“I knew I needed to stay away from you. Everyone told me to. But I just couldn't stop myself. I had to have you.”
“I don't want you to regret it.”
“Yeah well, I do.”
She turned around again, going into the kitchen and placing Jason in his high chair. “We're moving out, by the way.”
“What? You can't do that. How can you even afford to?”
“I’ll figure it out.” She grabbed formula mix from the cabinet, knocking the sugar over in the process and not giving a single care. Good. She was gonna leave it there too.
“You're the one that I want, Lisa. Please. Listen to me.”
He moved closer to her, getting right up against her. His chest touched her shoulder and, for a moment, Lisa faltered. She wanted him so bad. God, she really did. And she knew she probably always would. She had to do what was right though. She wasn't going to be stuck in some situation that worked out for Alex's benefit and never hers – her staying home and taking care of the baby, while he no doubt went back to his old ways. It might be only a matter of time before he started going out again and picking up girls at bars. She leaned against the counter, grabbing the edges for support.
“Please,” she whispered, gritting her teeth. “Give me some space.”
Surprising her, he backed away. “Okay. Can I mix Jason's formula though?”
“I got it. I just...” She sighed. “I need a little space right now.”
“Why don't you let me take care of him for the morning then? Go take a break. Get out of the apartment.”
Lisa huffed, finally looking at him. His eyes were sad, imploring, and she almost gave in and fell into his arms. Almost. Across the kitchen, Jason whined.
“Okay, fine. I'm gonna go out.”
Brushing past him, she moved fast. It was true what she'd said about needing space. She felt like she was going to scream, being trapped in this apartment with Alex like this.
Without even changing, she grabbed her purse from her room and was out the door in a flash. She didn't bother with the elevator, instead taking the stairs, hitting them heavy with each step. She didn't know where she was going, but she had to get there fast. Out in the parking lot, she stood in the bright sun, trying to decide what to do. She didn't feel like driving and she probably shouldn’t in her current state of mind, so she started walking. She took to the sidewalk, heading towards the park she'd sometimes taken Jason to over the last few weeks.
The playground was busy, little kids running around and being pushed by their parents on the swings. Lisa sat on a bench and watched for a few minutes, but the whole scene just made her miss Jason. And Alex.
God, she was gonna miss Alex when she moved. She covered her face with her hands, trying her hardest not to be the crazy lady freaking out at the park. Thirty minutes later, after walking around by the river watching ducks, she had nothing to do but go home – or back to Alex's apartment. She didn't like that she thought of it as home. It couldn't be her home any longer.
She took the elevator this time, her mind reeling all the way up. How was she going to be able to afford her own place? Maybe there was some kind of government subsidized housing they could be approved for. Or maybe she could get a roommate. She bit her lip. Whatever the plan was going to be, she had to figure it out fast. The sooner she got out of Alex's, the better.
The apartment was quiet – no baby or man in sight. Lisa dropped her purse on the floor and collapsed on the couch. She needed a nap so bad. Maybe she would just close her eyes for a few minutes...
When she woke up there was something oddly familiar flashing on the TV screen across the room. She blinked, adjusting her vision, and looked again. On the TV was a picture of Sara and Daniel, standing underneath a garden trellis on their wedding day. It dissolved, and a picture of Sara and Jason, taken in a hospital bed just a few minutes after Jason had been born, appeared. Out of nowhere, tears slid down Lisa's face. Who'd put this slideshow together?
The next picture formed, one that Lisa instantly recognized from the Thanksgiving party four years ago. It was a group photo – Sara, Daniel, Aunt Margaret and some distant relatives whose names Lisa couldn't even remember... They were all there, standing in front of the fireplace, smiling.
And in the far-right corner of the photo was Alex, standing by himself, but with his head turned. He was looking – staring – at someone across the room.
It was her. It was Lisa. And Photo Lisa was totally unaware that Photo Alex was looking at her. She was too busy giving a cheesy smile to the camera.
“What?” Lisa whispered, not even entirely sure what she was looking at.
“I loved you from the moment I met you,” came Alex's voice from across the living room. Lisa turned to see him standing in the hall. “I just didn't realize it till the accident.”
He took a few steps towards her. Lisa opened her mouth, trying to respond, but realized she had no clue what to say.
“This last month has been the best of my life,” he said, getting even closer now. His eyes glistened. “Which is pretty amazing considering the tragedy ... but Lisa,” he paused, coming to a stop. “You and Jason have changed me. You two are my everything. You make me want to be better – to work at it every day. I know what my past is like. But that's all behind me.”
Reaching down, he took her hand, the warmth from his skin reaching straight down to her heart and thawing all the places she hadn't even known were frozen solid.
“You can trust me,” he said.
Tears spilling down her cheeks, Lisa nodded. Deep down, in the depths of her soul, she knew everything he was saying was true. He had changed. She could trust him.
And she would.
She was tired of always throwing everything away in fear that it would hurt her. This time she would have no regrets.
Alex bent, getting down to rest on one knee. Lisa's free hand flew to her mouth. “Are you kidding me?” she asked.
“No,” Alex responded. “I want you to marry me, Lisa. I want to give Jason the life he deserves. I want to give you the life you deserve. And I don't want to spend another moment of my life without you by my side.”
“You really aren't kidding,” she gasped.
Slowly, Alex shook his head.
“Well,” he prompted. “Will you marry me?”
Choking on more tears, Lisa smiled wide. “Under one condition.”
“What's that?”
“You always let me win at Hide and Seek.”
Alex grinned even wider, his smile stretching from ear to ear.
“Deal.”
The End