Chapter Seventeen
February – New York
“Well, I guess this means I owe you a hundred bucks.”
Ben gave his old friend, and former roommate – Levi Morrison– a quizzical look. “For what?”
Levi grinned. “How quickly he forgets. Don’t you remember our bet that you wouldn’t last a year at your new job? That you’d feel the walls closing in on you, and wouldn’t be able to give up the lure of traveling. And yet, here you are, more than a year later, and you’ve stuck with it. So, do you want cash or a check?”
Ben chuckled and shook his head. “Forget it. Just pick up the tab and we’ll call it even. Especially since I almost didn’t make it to my one year anniversary. There were more times than I can remember when I came real close to throwing in the towel.”
Levi sipped his coffee. “So what stopped you?”
“Pride and stubbornness, mostly,” admitted Ben. “As you know, I went years without staying in one place for very long, never putting down roots. I wanted to prove to myself that I could make a commitment and stick to it.” He paused before adding, “To the job as well as to Elle.”
“It’s that serious between the two of you?” asked Levi in surprise. “I mean, are you going to ask her to marry you or something?”
“No.” Ben shook his head firmly. “That’s not in the cards, not for a long time, if ever. But I do feel like I owe her something, especially after all the help she’s given me. And she’s – well, a little fragile at times.”
“Yeah?” Levi arched a brow as he dug into his omelet. “The couple of times I’ve met her she seemed pretty together. I mean, she’s quiet, sort of reserved, but also very in control.”
“Most of the time that’s true,” agreed Ben. “But at other times it doesn’t take much to set her off. She’s got these insecurities – I blame her overbearing parents for most of that – and she can also get real jealous. Not that I’ve ever given her cause to be.”
“Ouch.” Levi winced. “I don’t envy you either of those problems, man. I had a girlfriend just after college with those sort of issues. Cute girl, lots of fun, dynamite in the sack. Turns out she was this nutjob stalker, already had three different restraining orders from previous boyfriends. Fortunately I was already planning to leave town, so when she started going apeshit, I blocked her from my phone and email and got the hell out of Dodge.”
“Elle’s not like that,” reassured Ben. “She’s just – well, she just gets a little emotional every so often. And I can’t help feeling responsible for her, you know?”
“You sure you haven’t given her cause to be jealous?” drawled Levi, as he slathered an English muffin half with grape jelly. “I mean, the whole time I knew you in New Mexico you didn’t even look at a chick, much less bang one – at least not that I know about. And you’re about as far from being an asshole as anyone I’ve ever met, so I can’t imagine that you’d - ”
“I’ve never cheated on Elle,” Ben stated firmly. “I may not be in love with her, but I wouldn’t do something like that to any woman. Not like our old friend Joey.”
Levi shuddered at the mention of their former roommate. “God, he was such a slut, wasn’t he? A different chick every week, usually juggling two or three at a time. I still have no idea how he kept them from finding out about each other. Nah, you’re nothing like old Joey the Gigolo, buddy. I mean, look at how long you were hung up on California Girl. Took you years to get over her.”
‘But have I really done that?’ Ben asked himself as he dug into his huevos rancheros. ‘I mean, I’m living with Elle, trying to work on my relationship with her, but deep down I’m still hung up on Lauren. And thanks to my stupidity, the possibility of ever being with her again is truly dead and buried.’
A dozen times or more now he had deeply regretted his response to her poignantly asked question that day in his office – when she had looked at him with a myriad of emotions playing over her expressive face and asked if he would end things with Elle should she accept his explanation. Her question had shocked him, caught him off guard, and he’d responded almost without thinking, certainly without thinking it through. And it had been at that moment when he had lost her – again.
Lauren had begun to withdraw more and more as the weeks passed, rarely speaking to him directly, and never about anything personal. When he had asked her a direct question, her reply had always been short and to the point, almost as if she was trying to use the bare minimum of words.
The rest of the crew had noticed her decidedly chilly attitude, and both Karl and George had asked him what was going on, admitting they weren’t brave enough to ask Lauren directly. But Ben had put them off, insisting that Lauren was still pissed about not being able to go to Brazil, and joking that no one held a grudge quite like she did.
George had accepted his explanation easily – as he so often did – but Karl had given him an odd look, and Ben knew he still had his doubts. Karl was, after all, closer to Lauren than anyone else in the office, but Ben doubted that she had ever confided anything to the writer about their past relationship.
Yes, he still regretted his hastily made decision back in September, and the fact that he’d destroyed not just any second chance he might have had at one day having Lauren again, but he had also done irreparable damage to their already tenuous working relationship. It had created a very uncomfortable atmosphere in the office over the past few months.
And yet, what could he have done or said differently? As Levi had just said, Ben had always prided himself on not being an asshole with the relatively few women who had been in his life. He had always been honest and upfront with them, except on two occasions – both of which were related to each other. He had admittedly wronged Lauren by leaving her without a word five and a half years ago, even though it had been the right thing to do under the circumstances. And he had yet to admit to Elle that he and Lauren had once been involved, still too worried that her raging jealousy – especially where Lauren was concerned – and emotional fragility would send her spiraling out of control.
He knew without having asked that there had been some sort of confrontation between the two women at the magazine’s holiday party. When Lauren had offered to go searching for the absent Elle, she’d been happy and smiling, her green eyes still glowing with pleasure after the dance they had shared. But when she had stormed back to the table a few minutes later, those same eyes had been spitting fire, her cheeks flushed with angry color, and Carlo had been left scrambling to dash after her as she made her way out of the banquet room.
Elle had returned to the table a few minutes after that, looking composed and serene, but it had also been obvious to Ben that she was struggling to hold it together. Half a dozen times he had started to ask her what was wrong, or if she and Lauren had argued, but each time had thought better of the idea. He had figured that if either woman had something to say to him that they would do so without his prompting.
But neither of them had ever broached the subject. Elle had acted as though nothing was wrong, and he had no desire to fan the flames of her jealousy by voluntarily mentioning Lauren. And as for Lauren – well, whatever had transpired between her and Elle it had been bad enough for her to treat him even more coldly, and speak to him as infrequently as possible.
No, in hindsight, he couldn’t have handled that conversation last September any differently. Not unless he’d wanted to become an asshole like old Joey, who’d used and discarded women like a pack of disposable razors. And as much as he still loved Lauren, he couldn’t in all good conscience have impulsively decided to drop Elle on the spot. He owed her both respect and decency, especially given how much she had done for him both personally and professionally.
But what he could have done – should have done – was to couch his reply to Lauren differently. Told her right off the bat that he still cared about her, but that he also cared about Elle and wanted to let her down gently, gradually, to bring their relationship to a close with dignity.
Instead, he’d said the first thing that had come to mind, had been honest because, no, he really couldn’t have ended things with Elle just like that. And, of course, Lauren – being the impulsive, over reactive wild child that she was – hadn’t been able to hide the hurt she’d felt at his refusal, and had dashed out of his office before giving him a chance to clarify his words.
And now the grudge she held against him felt more like a vendetta, and he was walking a very fine line in her presence these days, all too aware of the hostility and resentment she felt towards him. Between Lauren’s temper and Elle’s high strung fragility, he often felt trapped between a rock and a hard place.
Ben focused his attention on the plate in front of him, even though he wasn’t all that hungry. Levi had called him out of the blue a few days ago, announcing that he was going to be in New York for a conference, and they had arranged to meet for breakfast here at Norma’s in the Le Parker Meridian Hotel. Levi was one of the very few people that Ben actually thought of as a friend, and had kept in regular contact with him after leaving New Mexico. Levi still worked for Outdoor Magazine as a features writer, and had been the first person to befriend Ben when he’d starting working there. He had even found Ben a place to live, telling him about the empty room in the house he shared with two other guys. Levi was a fun-loving daredevil who was always up for a wild adventure – small wonder considering his specialty was writing articles about extreme sports. He’d talked Ben into some admittedly crazy things – rock climbing on fixed ropes, rappelling down steep canyons, hang gliding, wilderness camping. There was no challenge or adventure that Levi wouldn’t try at least once, and in that regard he’d made Ben think of Lauren and her own brand of fearlessness.
“So, have you ever heard anything about California Girl?”
Ben’s head snapped up at Levi’s casually posed question. “What?”
Levi stabbed a forkful of his omelet. “You heard me. That chick you were so hung up on back in New Mexico – the one you’d get tears in your eyes over when you were staring at the stars every night. Did you ever think about looking her up again?”
Ben glared at his friend and former co-worker. “I did not get tears in my eyes, you ass.”
“Oh, I beg to differ, my friend,” declared Levi. “But, hey, whatever you say, man. Do you ever think about her, though, ever get tempted to go back to Cali and look her up?”
“I think about her all the time,” admitted Ben. “And I don’t have to go all the way to California to see her because she’s here in New York on a regular basis.”
Levi gaped at him in astonishment. “You’ve seen her? California Girl? So why the hell are you still with Elle? My God, man, you were crazy about that girl. And I don’t care what you say, Ben – you did cry over her at least a few times.”
“Maybe I did.” Ben shrugged. “And the reason I’m not with her right now is because she’s seriously pissed off at me. And she is not a woman who believes in forgiving and forgetting.”
“So you’ve at least seen her? Talked to her?”
One side of Ben’s mouth quirked up in a wry smile. “Frequently. As it turns out, she’d been working at National Geographic Travel for four years when I came on board. She’s, uh, one of my crew members now.”
Levi shook his mop of unruly dark brown curls in disbelief. “WTF, man? So, this has been going on for – what – a little over a year now, and you never thought to tell me?”
Ben paused as the waitress refilled their coffee cups. “It’s not exactly the sort of thing you can just mention in an occasional email or text, Levi. You and I haven’t exactly kept in close contact since I took this new job. My fault, I admit it. Hell, most days I barely have time to come up for air.”
Levi made a sound of disgust. “You need to give up this job, Ben. You’re no more suited to sitting behind a desk and managing a bunch of people than I am. You belong out in the trenches like you used to be, living the stories instead of editing them.” He waved a hand to indicate Ben’s open-necked white shirt and gray wool trousers. “And this isn’t like you either, man. You look like a Banana Republic ad.”
Levi himself was wearing his typical garb of baggy cargo pants, thermal T-shirt, and Converse high-tops. He was tanned from a recent assignment in South Africa, and his mop of curls was as unmanageable as ever.
Ben smiled. “California Girl didn’t approve of my new wardrobe, either. Or the new job. But my contract with the magazine is for two years, and I’m committed to staying at least that long. After that – who knows.”
“After that, man, you need to trade in a bunch of things. Your job, for one. The wardrobe for another. And, well, maybe your woman for a third.”
Ben’s smile faded abruptly. “The first two, maybe. I know for sure I don’t want to keep doing this job forever. As for the third – well, that part isn’t so easy. I’m not going to be a cold-hearted SOB and quote unquote “trade” my girlfriend in for a different model. Besides, there’s only one other woman in the world I’d ever want, and right now she sort of hates my guts so it’s a moot point.”
The two friends finished up their meal since Levi needed to be at his conference in less than an hour. Levi paid the bill as promised, but as Ben stood up to leave with him, his phone buzzed with an incoming call. Levi gave him a farewell fist bump and dashed off as Ben fielded the call from a crew member currently on assignment in Thailand.
He finished up the call quickly, and had just shrugged into his navy wool overcoat when he glanced up and spied a nearby table of women – one of whom was his aforementioned California Girl.
Lauren wasn’t due back in the office until Monday, but she had evidently arrived in New York a few days ahead of schedule. She was warmly dressed for the winter weather he knew she despised – skinny black jeans, a hip-length burgundy sweater with a cashmere scarf draped artfully around her neck, and high heeled black ankle boots. Her hair was drawn back into its customary ponytail, and as usual she wore neither makeup nor jewelry.
Unlike the woman who sat next to her – the one Ben assumed was the twin sister, given her startling resemblance to Lauren. Except that Julia was dressed to kill in a figure hugging dress of fine cream wool that emphasized the same lush curves her sister had been blessed with. Julia’s tawny curls were long and flowed loosely over her back and shoulders, while her beautiful face was perfectly made up.
Ben quickly took in the four other women at the table – a tall, dark haired, and rather morose woman who appeared to be the same age as the twins; an older, well groomed woman with short, frosted blonde hair; and two slightly younger women, perhaps in their late forties or early fifties, who also bore a startling resemblance to each other. And just like Lauren and Julia, the two older women’s styles of dress were quite different. One wore her shoulder-length hair – that was a slightly darker shade than Lauren’s – loose, and was wearing a teal blue silk tunic over fitted black trousers; the other’s hair was blonder and cut into a stylish bob, and her tailored dark blue shirtdress looked both professional and pricey.
Julia glanced up at that particular moment and caught his gaze, and the look on her face was one of both interest and bewilderment. Her mouth began to turn upwards at the corners, at least until Lauren said something to call her attention away.
In the very next moment, Lauren was looking directly at him, and he could swear he felt shards of ice emanating from the ferocious scowl she directed his way. He flinched involuntarily, but nonetheless began to walk over to the table, ignoring the murderous glare she gave him.
Ben was uncomfortably aware that five sets of female eyes were glancing curiously between him and Lauren. She had a death grip on her coffee cup, and he only hoped she didn’t give in to any impulse to fling the whole thing in his face. And even though common sense was prompting him to walk away, a more impulsive side of him that rarely surfaced couldn’t resist antagonizing her just a bit.
“Lauren,” he drawled in a very deliberate tone. “This is something of a surprise. We weren’t expecting you here until Monday.”
Lauren tried unsuccessfully to mask the dark look on her face as she gave a careless shrug. “Free country last time I checked. I didn’t realize I needed to check in with you whenever I come to New York. And I’m obviously not here a few days early because of work.”
Ben almost shivered at the iciness of her words, and a rather uncomfortable silence fell over the table as the two of them continued to face off as though they were adversaries instead of former lovers.
It was the woman in the teal silk tunic who broke the ice as she smiled warmly at Ben, extending her slim hand to him. “I’m Lauren’s mother, Natalie Benoit. I take it you and Lauren work together at the magazine?”
Ben gave what he hoped was a dazzling smile to Lauren’s mother and shook her hand. “A pleasure, Ms. Benoit. I confess to knowing very little about art, but I’m a great admirer of the few pieces of yours I’ve been fortunate enough to view. And since Lauren seems reluctant to introduce us, I’ll do the honors. I’m Ben Rafferty, Lauren’s – er, boss.” He had quite intentionally not mentioned that the one time he had seen her artwork had been at her very own home in Big Sur.
Natalie’s soft blue-gray eyes widened slightly at this announcement, leaving Ben to wonder how often Lauren had grumbled about him to her family, but she merely replied diplomatically, “A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Rafferty. Though I’m sure you’ve realized by now that no one really dares to boss Lauren around.”
Ben chuckled, as did every other woman at the table – save Lauren, of course. The sulky look on her face turned downright murderous when he replied in an amused voice, “Oh, trust me. I realized that from the very first time I met her.”
A fleeting memory of that initial meeting flickered through his mind now – that of Lauren standing there defiantly, her wet hair tumbling carelessly about her shoulders, her breasts proudly displayed in that barely there bikini top, her slim, tanned legs and small, dainty feet bare. She’d been the very image of the California Girl that Levi had dubbed her, though privately Ben had always thought of her more as his dream girl.
The woman Ben had pegged as Lauren’s sister was now extending her hand to him. “Since Lauren is once again exhibiting atrocious manners,” she said drolly, “I’ll do the honors. I’m Julia, her twin sister.”
As they shook hands, Julia introduced the three other woman at the table – the tall, raven haired woman with the haunted eyes was their friend Angela Del Carlo; the woman in the sophisticated dark blue dress turned out to be Madelyn Benoit, Natalie’s own twin, and the girls’ beloved aunt; and the older woman with the twinkling eyes and welcoming smile was Alexis Atwood, Julia’s future mother-in-law.
Ben’s gaze dropped to Julia’s left hand at this news, noticing the large, square-cut diamond on the third finger, and wondered when she had gotten engaged.
“So when is the big day?” he inquired politely.
“June twenty-eighth, God willing,” Julia told him. “We just got engaged on New Year’s Eve, so we’re trying to throw everything together in only six months. The girls’ getaway this weekend is so we can pick out the dresses. Except that Lauren has presented me with her list of demands, and made things very difficult.”
Ben smirked, easily able to imagine what Lauren’s “list of demands” looked like. The only time he’d ever seen her wearing an actual dress had been at the holiday party, and the memory of how she’d looked in that sensual black dress was also burned into his brain, likely for all time.
“That’s hardly a surprise,” he replied. “What shocks me more is the thought of Lauren actually wearing a dress. Now that I’d pay good money to see.”
Julia gave him a conspiratorial little wink, her mouth quirking up into a smile. It was obvious that she was far more good natured than her crabby, temperamental twin. “Give me your email address and I’ll make sure to send you a photo or two.”
Ben laughed when Lauren shot her sister an evil look.
“You wouldn’t dare, Jules,” she hissed. “And I’m not sure why you’re so shocked,” she told Ben irritably. “I’ve been known to wear a dress or a skirt on occasion.”
Not wanting to recall yet again about how sensational she had looked in that dramatic black lace gown, Ben tactfully steered the subject in a slightly different direction by asking Julia, “The wedding’s in Carmel, I assume?”
“Pebble Beach, actually. But most of our coastal communities all tend to share borders and flow from one to another,” admitted Julia.
Natalie regarded Ben curiously at his mention of Carmel, and he hoped he hadn’t given anything away. “Have you ever visited the area, Mr. Rafferty?”
Ben smiled at Lauren’s mother, who gave the impression of being a kind, soft-spoken woman – very unlike her volatile daughter. “It’s Ben, Ms. Benoit. And, yes – I was fortunate enough to spend some time in the area a number of years ago. You’re very lucky to live in what I personally consider the most beautiful region in the entire world. The time I spent there was easily the most memorable of my life.”
He gave Lauren a very pointed glance as he said this, but she stubbornly refused to look his way, and mumbled something under her breath. He couldn’t understand a word, but just guessed it was not complimentary towards him in the least.
There was another awkward pause until he addressed the table as a whole. “Well, I’ll let you ladies get back to your meal. It was a pleasure to meet all of you. Lauren – bright and early Monday morning, hmm?”
Lauren gave a flippant shrug. “Maybe not so early. Or bright. I’ve got a hot date Sunday night.”
Ben felt himself tense up in mingled annoyance and jealousy, wondering if she’d made up the “hot date” on the spur of the moment just to piss him off, and fervently hoped that was the case. “I see,” he replied tightly. “Well, then, I suppose we’ll just see you whenever you decide to honor us with your presence. And tell your date to watch out for those sharp elbows of yours, unless he wants a broken nose like the last one.”
With that parting shot, he gave her a little salute and walked towards the exit, trying to control his mirth until he was safely outside. Considering the way Lauren had been giving him the death stare just now, he didn’t even want to imagine her reaction if she heard him laughing at her.
Meeting the rest of her family, and the woman he now recalled was her best friend, had been completely unexpected. He’d been pleasantly surprised to realize that her mother and sister both seemed like gracious, warm-hearted women, and he marveled that two sisters who looked so much alike could be worlds apart in personality. Ben guessed that the amicable Julia took after their sweet, gentle mother, while Lauren was much more like their plain-speaking, rather fearsome father.
But he knew Lauren had other facets to her personality, too, ones that she regretfully didn’t share with him these days. He’d seen first hand how friendly and solicitous she had been to all of her neighbors and friends in Big Sur; how silly and affectionate she’d acted towards her parents’ dogs; and, most of all, how passionate and caring she had been with him. She’d fussed over him, gone out of her way to make him feel at home in the cabin, and had been a generous, unselfish lover.
As he caught a cab back to the office, Ben was filled with regret once again, wondering what it would have been like to be a part of Lauren’s loving, close-knit family. He could scarcely remember now what it had been like to live with both of his parents at the same time, their divorce having happened when he was just a boy. After that, they had both paid far more attention to their new spouses and Ben’s half-siblings than to Ben himself, and he’d had to learn quickly how to look out for himself.
And while Elle certainly cared for him and even fussed from time to time, her parents still continued to treat him with a distant politeness. Ben couldn’t recall even one time when Sunita had smiled at him the way Natalie Benoit just had, with genuine warmth and kindness. And he knew that the Kimbroughs would never consider him good enough for their only child, no matter how well he dressed or how hard he worked to polish up his manners.
But the opportunity to become a part of the McKinnons’ happy, welcoming family was now so far out of his reach that he felt like a fool for even wishing it could be. He’d made a choice back in Big Sur, one he had honestly believed was the right one for Lauren. But it had turned out to be the absolute wrong one for himself.