Chapter 15
The price of freedom
Andrea
Sebastian was gone a few minutes after we had finished lunch. I hadn’t eaten anything else after that.
Eddy and I just sat on the couch, my arms tight around him, under a blanket in front of the fire, while I told him his favourite fairy tale. Peter Pan.
“Why does he get to fly? I want to fly,” he pouted and I bent down to kiss his little head.
“You can fly with your imagination or we can fly on an airplane one day,” I said and felt my stomach clench.
How easy had it become for me to lie to him. I hated myself so much. Talking about the future like that, when I knew nothing about the future, what awaited us.
Eddy kept asking me questions, I tried to do my best to keep the conversation light, but I secretly kept looking at my watch.
Half an hour, Sebastian had been gone for half an hour. My hands shook. I needed to do something, I couldn’t stand still anymore. I was losing my nerve.
“Let me just run to the shed and take some more wood,” I said and kissed his head again.
“Okay, mommy. Can I come too?”
“You stay here, it’s really cold outside. Count to twenty. I’ll be back before that,” I winked and ran outside the back door, all the way to the shed, my legs so fast I was inside the place in seconds.
There were bigger pieces of wood to the right, but I went for the smaller ones. We needed to keep the place warm for just a little longer, Sebastian wanted to move out before it was dark.
I finally felt it. Three years too late but I felt it, the sign.
It was a cold feeling at the back of my neck, it made me turn on my toes instantly and I saw him, staring down at me with a wide smile on his lips.
The smile of Satan.
“Not the man you were expecting?” Alejandro asked, staying exactly where he was, in front of the door, blocking my way out.
I let the pieces of wood go and stood straight, breathing quickly.
“What are you doing here?” I asked him, keeping my face blank, my voice calm.
Inside though I felt like screaming.
“Taking back what’s mine,” he moved forward then and I backed into the wall.
Left nor right, there was no place for me to go. I was cornered.
“Alejandro,” I started to say but he wiggled his finger at me and pressed his index on my lips.
It tasted like cigarette and mud, I tried to shake it off but Alejandro pressed it harder on my mouth and I let out a soft cry.
“Shut up, you fucking whore,” he said through gritted teeth, moving closer. “Last time you were in here, you seemed to be enjoying yourself.”
My whole body began to shake then, as he went for my cheek and squeezed it hard in his hand.
“I saw you. I saw you,” he said, breathing out anger and disgust, the smile nowhere to be seen now. “You let that motherfucker fuck you like the whore you are.”
He saw us, the horror hit me then and panic rose in my blood.
Eddy, did he hear about Eddy too? That was all I could think of. I kept my lips sealed.
“You forgot you were mine, Andrea,” he told me.
“I am not yours,” I said, even though his hand was squeezing my cheeks harder now.
“The hell you are!” Alejandro roared in my face and I closed my eyes for an instant.
My eyes were on him again a moment later, as cold and distant as I could manage.
“I was never yours,” I said to his face and he threw me to the floor.
His hand was down on me, on my face, one time, two times. I didn’t count them. He slapped me hard, harder.
I gasped for air and scrambled to get up, but he took hold of my hair and yanked me out of the shed.
I landed face first on the wet grass.
“Get up!” he shouted and I did, letting him take my arm, tugging me to the back of the shed. “I don’t want Eddy to see me killing you,” he whispered in my ear.
Eddy, my lips trembled.
“Leave him alone,” I pleaded.
“He’s in my car. I am taking him with me,” Alejandro said in my ear again, as I looked up the little gravel pathway and saw a white car with two guards outside and inside the head of my little boy in the back seat.
No, no no!!! I cried, as he dragged me to the back of the shed, my eyes still on the car, on my boy.
He was taking him away from me. Everything I had done for him had been meaningless. It had meant nothing, nothing.
“I should have killed you a long time ago,” Alejandro said pinning me to the wall of the shed.
I kicked at him, tried to get rid of his hold on me, but he was too strong. He kept pushing me against the cold bricks of the shed, my shoulders aching every time I tried to wiggle away.
His face was so close to mine then, I smelled the tobacco on his breath as he spoke to me one more time.
“Where the fuck do you think you are going? Uh?” he slammed me against the wall again and pressed his lips hard on mine.
Disgusting, vicious.
I screamed, as his tongue tried to force its way into mine, but his fist hit me in the stomach, I opened my mouth desperate for air- the blow so hard on me I thought I would never be able to breathe without pain again.
“You are mine Andrea. Mine. And I will do with you whatever I please,” he roared in my face, but this time I kept my eyes open, cold blue shards darting his way.
Hatred filled my lungs, my chest, my mouth as I found the energy to speak up for the last time. Because I knew what was coming, I knew what Alejandro was going to do with me but I wanted him to know something before he killed me.
“You can do with my body whatever you please, but I will never be yours. I am Sebastian’s. He fucked me like you never were able to fuck me all those years,” And I spat in his face then, but Alejandro was quick to grab my neck and squeeze it tight.
I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t swallow or breathe. My eyes became red, watery as I tried to pull his hand off me. Nothing, he held me even tighter.
Was he talking to me? His lips moved but I couldn’t hear a single thing. I had almost lost consciousness, my eyes slowly drifting when I saw him reach for his gun and brought it up to my forehead.
Don’t close your eyes, I willed myself to keep looking at him, keep my cold, distant glare on him.
I wanted to go looking at him, showing I wasn’t afraid. I wanted Alejandro to remember what it had been like to kill me, how I had held my head high until the last minute.
You can’t kill me, I am going to live in your head forever.
A curse, I wanted to be his curse just like he had been mine.
“Drop the fucking gun!” Sebastian rounded the corner, holding a gun to Alejandro’s head and I fell to the ground instantly.
“I said drop the fucking gun,” Sebastian shouted again and I watched Alejandro smile at him, as he let his weapon hit the floor.
“Here he is, the Killer,” Alejandro spat and looked down at me for a moment.
I rolled on the grass, trying to catch my breath, my eyes on Sebastian.
Sebastian, I opened my mouth to speak but the words wouldn’t come out. My throat burned where Alejandro had held me tight for so long.
“Can you get up, Andrea?” Sebastian asked me never looking away from Alejandro, his gun still inches from his head.
I nodded, getting up slowly and walking towards him, still holding onto my throat.
“Go to the car. Run to Eddy,” he said and eyed me quickly.
I didn’t need him to say more. Just hearing my son’s name, gave me the energy to move.
I walked as fast as I could up the pathway to the car, never looking back until I heard a thud.
When I turned I saw them, both of them on the ground, fighting, Sebastian had lost the gun.
“You son of a bitch. You fucking touched her, I am going to fucking kill you,” I heard Sebastian growl, his fist smashing against Alejandro’s jaw.
“Go!” he screamed looking up at me and I turned around again, crying all the way to the car.
My feet never touched the ground, I never turned back, not once but I could hear them panting and struggling, fighting with all they had got.
I kept my eyes on the car, ignoring the two guards lying on the floor covered in blood.
“Mommy!!!” Eddy cried when I opened the passenger door, his small arms around my head immediately.
My mouth opened to say something but I was silenced by a sound, the scariest sound of them all. A bullet exploding out of a gun.
I screamed and turned, hiding Eddy’s face against my neck, shaking as another shot was fired.
Both Alejandro and Sebastian weren’t moving.
Panting, I was panting, the horror of what I was seeing, killing every last bit of hope and strength left in me.
Get up, get up, get up. I prayed, I cried. I begged him to stand up and run to me.
Please, come to me.
My heart almost stopped then, as I watched Sebastian shake off the dirt from his face and head, and walk up the dirt road, gun in hand, blood rolling down his face.
He’s alive, I nearly screamed while he ran towards us.
He held me tight, kissed my head, then Eddy’s, his eyes concerned but I was smiling.
Smiling. He had come for us.
Sebastian
We drove out of that place in Alejandro’s car, until we got to where I had left mine, just off the main road. We switched cars and continued the ride in ours.
I had seen their tracks on the dirt road, on my way back from Naples. Nobody went through those countryside streets. I knew something was off, so I had run to Saint Catherine’s institute, hoping It wasn’t too late.
It wasn’t. Eddy and Andrea were safe, I eyed them from the rear-view mirror and my eyes hurt, seeing Andrea’s cheek swollen, her neck purple.
He had hurt her, that son of a bitch. He had touched her and I hadn’t been there to protect her.
I cursed under my breath and shook my head, but before I could say anything, Andrea’s hand stretched forward in between seats looking for mine and I took it immediately.
“I am sorry,” I said and she squeezed it tight.
“You came. I thought I wasn’t going to see you again,” she whimpered and I bent down a little to kiss her hand.
“I wasn’t fast enough.”
From the mirror, I caught sight of her blonde head shaking.
“You stopped him,” Andrea told me. “Did you….” She started to say but I didn’t let her finish. Kill him, did I kill him? I didn’t want her to say the words in front of Eddy.
“I don’t know,” I hadn’t checked.
I had shot that motherfucker, but I wasn’t sure where.
It didn’t matter, I knew what needed to be done. I had the documents now.
We had no time to figure it out, no time to stop. We cleaned up in the car, changed clothes- I had brought a fresh stack with me- and took off the dirt and blood as much as we could.
We were already in the city, driving towards the pier in Naples.
“Mommy, where are we going now?” Eddy asked, his voice a little shaky.
“We are going to look at boats. Do you want to go on a boat?” I asked him and saw Eddy nod from the back.
“Where are we going?” Andrea asked but I didn’t answer.
I couldn’t. Not yet. I needed to find the right dock first.
When I did, I parked the car and opened their door, inviting them to step out.
A white and blue cruise was already boarding when we got to the line.
“How about this one?” I asked Eddy, pointing at the ship and he started to jump up and down excited.
“Here, take this,” I said and handed Andrea a backpack. “Your identity cards and new names are in here. Your tickets and anything you might need. Money too”
“Why are you telling me this like you are not coming?” Andrea’s eyes went wide, her lips parted to say more but I just bent down to kiss her. Another soft touch of her beautiful mouth, just one more.
In her eyes, I saw an ocean of tears, an ocean of fears.
I pulled her and Eddy in my arms.
“Don’t cry, Sad Eyes,” I whispered in her ear. “It’s going to be okay.”
“But why aren’t you coming?” she looked at me as I looked at Eddy.
My son, my son.
“I need to go back. I need to make sure he won’t come after you, your family,” I whispered the words, so that Eddy wouldn’t hear.
“But,” Andrea said, shaking her head as a tear rolled down her eye.
I caught it and wiped it away immediately. No more tears, she had cried too many already.
“It’s better this way. He’ll chase me. He’ll come after me. Not you,” I ran a hand through her hair and breathed in deep, taking in her beauty once more. One more time.
“We knew there wasn’t going to be a happy ending, we knew that Andrea. You said that, remember?”
She nodded and swallowed down a sob, her hands on me, holding on to us, one last time.
I kissed her, I kissed Eddy, so many times I lost count until I had to let them go, I had to let them walk away from me.
“Don’t come back,” I said to her. “Don’t look for me.”
She nodded. “I love you,” her raspy voice broke in the end. Andrea sobbed against my cheek as she kissed me. Then moved to my mouth.
“I will never forget you,” she mumbled against my lips.
“Cause I’ll be with you, Sad Eyes,” I said to her and then turned to Eddy, hugging him hard forcing my mind to remember every little detail of his face.
Tiny hands, big blue eyes, brown curls. Dark skin, my dark skin.
“Keep your mommy happy. Be a good boy,” I said to him.
“Aren’t you coming on the big boat?” he asked me, thoughtfully.
My eyes traced his face “Not today, Eddy. Not today.”
Once they were safely on the cruise, I drove away and up the high part of the city and stopped for a moment to watch them sail off into the Tyrrhenian sea. They were safe, I had kept my promise.
Whatever my heart was asking, it wasn’t what needed to be done.
I hadn’t lost them, I had set them free. But freedom came with a price, the cost to see them go.
Could I have risked it and made my escape with them? Whatever, I wasn’t going to risk their lives for something I wanted.
There were things I needed to take care of. A war I had yet to win. Or lose. But it needed to be settled. I drove back to Saint Catherina’s Institute in haste. The fight wasn’t over.
“Don’t cry, mommy,” he whispered and nearly cried himself.
“I’m sorry, Eddy,” I smiled, even though my eyes were watery. No more, no more, I ordered myself to stop. For him, for my boy.
“I won’t cry anymore,” I reassured him. He cocked his head at me and breathed out a deep breath, smiling a little.
“Are you sad you said goodbye to Sebastian?” he asked and I couldn’t help but nod.
“He told me to tell you on the boat,” Eddy began to say and bit his little nails, his blue eyes staring at me curious.
“Tell me what on the boat?” my eyes lit up instantly. Sebastian had told him something, but when? What? I felt my stomach flutter.
“He told me when we hugged,” Eddy went on and pointed to one of the wooden benches on the deck. “Mommy, sit.”
I moved, my legs disconnected from my brain. My hands were shaking, I couldn’t seem to stop them. In silence, I stared at my son- on his knees on the wooden bench- as he pulled at the bag Sebastian had given me. I had it around my back and I had completely forgotten all about it.
“In here,” Eddy dug inside the bag and his excitement pulled me out of my haze for a moment.
Papers, documents, six passports, six different fake identities for me and Eddy, money – all the money Sebastian had found for us- and two envelopes. There was a small, white, sealed one with Eddy’s name written in the front. But the other one had my name on it. “What does it say, mommy?” Eddy jumped up and down a little, smiling hopeful now like he had just won a treasure hunt.
“I don’t know,” I shook my head, incredulous.
Whatever it said, it was a message from Sebastian, my Sebastian. I don’t think my fingers have ever moved so fast, not even on the piano. I tore it open and scanned the page quickly.
“I am watching you sleep, you just told me about Eddy. I am watching you both sleep and I can’t believe what I am seeing. You are mine, I am yours. I don’t think you understand the feeling, Andrea, the feeling of belonging to someone, somewhere. I’ve never had a single thing in my life that wasn’t consumed, corrupted and worthless. I am not good with words, I’ve always been very quiet, kept my distance from everyone and anything that could hurt or destroy me. But Andrea you deserve everything, you and Eddy deserve to hear it. I am in love with you, I am in love with you and Eddy. I always knew you were somewhere, waiting, that our paths would cross again.
I knew it was just a matter of time. We will have to part ways again, we need to say goodbye because I know how to save you, how to keep you away from Alejandro. But this means I have to stay, I have to stay back and protect your escape. You and Eddy need to go. Just remember this: I am yours and you are mine. When you feel lost, think about this moment, think of all that I did to keep you safe and look at Eddy. I am there, the only place I want to be. With you. I love you, Sebastian Esposito.” Sebastian Esposito, his real name. I read the letter two times and then folded it in my hands, hanging on to it a moment longer, pushing back the tears.
I am with you, I wanted to tell him. I was there, I had left a part of me there with him, on that shore in Italy. How many times can a heart break? How many pieces had I left with Sebastian?
“What does it say, mommy?” Eddy demanded to know. I smiled at him and kissed his tiny nose.
“Sebatian says he loves us,” I told him and Eddy smiled.
“What about here?” he pointed to the one with his name on it, Eddy’s full name. I had told him that night in the shed.
“Per Edoardo” “For Edoardo”
“This is for you,” I opened it quickly and scanned it first, before reading it out loud to Eddy. “Please give this to Eddy when he is older. So he will know who I was. Please read it to him, this is the story of a little boy who had nothing and lived on the streets of Naples. It’s my story. And it has a happy ending, Sad Eyes. It’s the story of a boy who started off with nothing, but now has everything. You.”